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AIBU?

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Original poster

Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

802 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 23/01/2023 09:31

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
alwaysfretting · 24/01/2023 14:54

I'd been thinking how to advise before I saw your latest update. Wondered if u cld say, home insurance needs updating, need to put in burglar alarm to make it cheaper then don't give dd code, in case she gets key cut for bf. Say only want professional pet sitters in future who are insured because of home insurance and because of recent dog attacks in press. This explains change of practice. Insurance company won't want uninsured non family in house when away, want to set burglar alarm and go. Important you keep your relationship with your dd so she can still come to you if your worst fears about bf are realised but say don't want in house unless she is there because of security.

Naddd · 24/01/2023 15:59

Duvetdaysaregood · 24/01/2023 10:50

Thanks all.
We have decided .
To alter holiday . Take dogs with .
If anything else comes up we will say no we are not comfortable with anyone in house non family. If questioned, please do not question our choice.
We are also -
saying that our savings are dwindling . So if they come for a period of time, we need a contribution.
I am also going to keep in touch with her v regularly and start to question the set up in ways that may help her to think if things are not ok .. eg how do tou split your domestics ??
I will keep the bond strong .
Also , i will highlight some behaviours
under the guise of understanding How his different ways present and oh how does that feel ?
we will continue to model our family way . For eg he indicated rhat his dd would not put up with sometimg and that fists or suchlike would be involved . Indicating that is how real man deals with it to dh ..At rhe time my dh said oh this is how I would deal with it , talking , negotiation and that he had family responsibility to handle it not resort to methods like that.
dd has been surrounded by gentle strong men and she knows how they do things .

Thanks all for your input , I had not slept and allowed myself to get into a fearful state when in fact I need to be clear headed , and resolve stay in more balance .

Can i ask will he daughter not just give him the key anyway

Emotionalsupportviper · 24/01/2023 16:06

alwaysfretting · 24/01/2023 14:54

I'd been thinking how to advise before I saw your latest update. Wondered if u cld say, home insurance needs updating, need to put in burglar alarm to make it cheaper then don't give dd code, in case she gets key cut for bf. Say only want professional pet sitters in future who are insured because of home insurance and because of recent dog attacks in press. This explains change of practice. Insurance company won't want uninsured non family in house when away, want to set burglar alarm and go. Important you keep your relationship with your dd so she can still come to you if your worst fears about bf are realised but say don't want in house unless she is there because of security.

Good idea - nice and tactful and doesn't directly criticise the awful boyfriend.

Sometimes a slightly circuitous route is the best one.

MichelleScarn · 24/01/2023 16:07

Naddd · 24/01/2023 15:59

Can i ask will he daughter not just give him the key anyway

Show quote history

Of course she will. Some inexplicable shockaroonie emergency drama will arise and there will be no other option for them but to stay at ops home....

Emotionalsupportviper · 24/01/2023 16:07

Oh e except I wouldn't want him in the house even with the DD, if I wasn't there. She's too much under his influence.

Original poster
Duvetdaysaregood · 24/01/2023 16:55

Oh ! Re lock yes .. we are putting a bolt on the door that dd has a key to .. and going out of the other door( the back) which has only one key .. that will be with us . This means that the key to the main door cant work as it will be bolted from within. And dd does not have a back door key. So , no access.

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 24/01/2023 16:58

Well done!

Wise precaution.

Emotionalsupportviper · 24/01/2023 16:58

Put bolts top and bottom, though.

MichelleScarn · 24/01/2023 16:59

And ensure all windows locked!

SingaporeSlinky · 24/01/2023 17:38

@Duvetdaysaregood when did the book comment come up, was it over Christmas? I’ve been with my DH for 20 years and stayed at his parents house countless times and I have never once stepped foot in their bedroom.
Could you ask your daughter about it next time you’re alone - not in an accusatory way, but say it’s been on your mind, and ask if she can think of any reason why he might have gone into your bedroom?

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 24/01/2023 17:50

I think you really need to say something

coming up with excuses or alternatives isn’t going to cut it

be firm but understanding what

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/01/2023 17:53

Sounds like a good plan OP, providing you carry it through; I'm especially impressed with the update about the locks, since it's possible the BF will try to talk your DD round

The bit about him considering it appropriate for fists to be involved is yet another horrible sign, and the overall "pumped up" attitude makes me wonder even more about drugs

Hopefully your DD will come to her senses, or maybe the chouce will be made for her when BF finds not everythoing is going his way - in any case I doubt you'd be sorry to see the back of him

Josell12345 · 24/01/2023 17:58

Id say Id already made arrangements for the pets but thanks for the offer.
If theres no reason for him to stay then he can hardly expect to stay (although some people would). Id play oblivious and make alt arrangements.

Newyearnewmeow · 24/01/2023 18:03

Well done on planning to assert your boundaries OP. Hope your daughter takes it well.

Yespresh · 24/01/2023 18:08

Employ a house sitter to look after the house and pets while you are away. You dont have give dd reasons why you have done this.

Yespresh · 24/01/2023 18:12

Oh and a Ring type doorbell or CCTV. The Swan set from Argos was well reviewed by a friend of ours. Your house, your rules. Lock your bedroom door too.

Waitymatey · 24/01/2023 18:17

Do you genuinely believe your daughter booking the holiday was not a ruse to get you out of the house so boyfriend can use it as a base? Has she ever done this prior to bf?
sorry, the pair are manipulating you and she is emotionally blackmailing you to boot.

Loubeylou · 24/01/2023 18:19

You could arrange for house sitters. They come and stop in your home and look after all of the pets and your home.

Xenia · 24/01/2023 18:21

Well done on this

"Duvetdaysaregood · Today 16:55

Oh ! Re lock yes .. we are putting a bolt on the door that dd has a key to .. and going out of the other door( the back) which has only one key .. that will be with us . This means that the key to the main door cant work as it will be bolted from within. And dd does not have a back door key. So , no access."

It is perfectly reasonable to want control of your own home. If you have a friendly neighbour may be ask them to have a quick look from outside each day whilst you are away to see if everything is okay.

Silvers11 · 24/01/2023 18:23

Well done @Duvetdaysaregood re the lock/bolt. Hope it all goes well for you

Remona · 24/01/2023 18:26

Good update OP and I think the additional lock is an excellent idea. You do that and you’ll soon be finding out if he tries to get in. He would be kicking off if he’s travelled for 5 hours to find a door that won’t open.

All this reminds me of a recent thread where a couple went on holiday and it transpired their neighbour, who had a key, was letting family into the house after after explicitly being told no. It totally spoiled their holiday and stressed them out. This isn’t dissimilar. People are just astonishingly cheeky.

Ladyfrog59 · 24/01/2023 18:27

You need to grow some balls and say no!

AcrossthePond55 · 24/01/2023 18:28

@Duvetdaysaregood

Good resolution and good idea re the locks. I'd tell her about the new 'rule' but I'd probably not tell her about the bolt on the door. Wait and see if he tries to get in the house whilst you're gone after he's been told no one is to be there when you're not.

Because I'll bet he does and I'll bet he'll be hot on the phone to her when he can't get in. So be prepared for a 'discussion' with DD. If not of her own volition, then when he realizes he no longer has 'free entry' to your home.

Patineur · 24/01/2023 18:29

I'd suggest putting up a door camera to see if the BF turns up anyway, with or without his relatives and friends. If he does, you can ask DD what one earth he thought he was doing as you'd made it clear no-one should be coming to the house. Maybe it will be a way of getting the first penny to drop with her.

ComfortablyDazed · 24/01/2023 18:30

I remember your old thread OP, and had full sympathy for you on that one.

I was reading this one feeling more and more frustrated at your passivity - but very glad to read to the end and see the stance you’ve taken.

Well done!

It’s very clear this weekend has been engineered so that he - and almost certainly his family - can get access to your house.