Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

Are you afraid of your dad, or are you afraid of having an honest conversation with her? Why would she ignore your feelings? Keep it simple. Tell the truth.

I think a Ring Doorbell would be an excellent idea. With the 2 way comms if he does show up you can ask him 'What are you doing at our house?' right when he's on the doorstep!

Have you got a ring doorbell… I’d suggest that might be illuminating

and incontrovertible.

I think you have a great solution (especially with bolting the door that your DD's key can open, and leaving by a different door). I'm a bit older than you 67 and I have three kids, now grown. It does take time for some children (even when they get close to 40!) to understand that parents have rights and can make their own decisions. You're doing the right thing to protect yourselves. This is one of the most important lessons we, as parents, need to help our children learn, even if it is difficult. If you think of it this way, you may be more able to weather her reaction -- especially if DD tries to argue with you that you're imagining things, that you have no right, that you'll heart her bf's feelings. (Good luck, and let us know how it goes)

For eg he indicated rhat his dad would not put up with sometimg and that fists or suchlike would be involved . Indicating that is how real man deals with it to dh ..At rhe time my dh said oh this is how I would deal with it , talking , negotiation and that he had family responsibility to handle it not resort to methods like that.

I think you should move on to some gentle direct piss-taking. For example, next time he comes up with the view that the only response to something should be violence, you could always say something like "I always think it's such a shame when someone can only deal with a disagreement by violence, rather than a bit of quick thinking and sorting it out verbally". If he still claims that Real Men would hit first and think later say "Oh, I think most real men grow out of that by around the age of 8, it's not as if hitting the other person ever really resolves any problems, does it?" Almost certainly the neanderthal BF won't understand it, but your DD will realise that she can hardly join in the conversation and support an argument that violence is always the best way.

Gosh I remember your last post.

I would get a friend or relative to stay- someone you are close to and confide in about the situation.

Then tell dd it's all arranged. "We have staying. She's going through a rough patch. Normally we would say no as we are getting a bit stuck in our ways and don't like people at the house if we're not there but she needs this amd she has offered to look after the dogs as a thank you. "

Change the locks 🥴

They are together. In a serious relationship. She loves him. They may marry.

Unless you are honest with her, this is going to happen again and again.

As parents, we're allowed to dislike things, whether that be people, behaviours, character, having people in our home when we're away.

You're sending mixed messages. How can your DD or her BF or his DP know how you feel and what you think of you don't tell them. He may have told is parents that you have y could stay as long as they wanted as guests and no contribution required yet you continue to assume they're CFs without knowing if that's actually true.

With regards to the BF - you need to decide whether to risk damaging your relationship with your DD forever or accept him as part of the family - because to her, her is exactly that family.

FWIW, if be honest and say that you understand and respect that she loves him, however you're still getting to know him and adjusting to an extra family member and until,yoite comfortable, you don't want him staying at your home unless you are there or, in certain circumstances, your DD is there.

“This is a perfect opportunity to pick up on the 'one of his bases' comment.
It isn't one of his bases. It's your home. He has been there as an invited guest. It is not a holiday home or a hotel for him to come as he pleases and invite other people.
As PP said, if your relationship with your daughter is going to be ruined by her bf not having the run of your home then she has some growing up to do.”

and
“I think you're just going to have to be honest with your DD and say something like 'while we are really grateful for organising the trip for us, we aren't comfortable allowing BF to stay while we aren't there'. If she asks why not, you can just say that you don't want to interfere but there were some red flags raised over Xmas when he stayed. She'll probably ask what they are so you can give her the specific examples about him not doing anything to help her, acting like he is the head of the house etc.”

even if you sort it out for this trip, they will continue to press you to have him stay unless you have a hard conversation with your dd. I’d play up the “one of his bases” comment and his attitude surrounding that. This is YOUR home & his entitled behavior makes you uncomfortable to allow him to stay, especially when you aren’t there. Guests should not expect you to provide all the food & do their laundry.

You've states that he’s opportunistic & then noted that he refers to your dh as his additional father, but also makes disparaging comments about him. I would be wary that he is manipulating you.

FFS even if you're too lazy to read the whole thread, you lot, you might read the OP's updates!

She's sorted it.

I feel that you are going to end up like a MNetter who has a daughter living in Ireland with her husband that drove a wedge between them. He made her choose between her family and her husband and he won. The daughter seems to only keep in touch because of family money. I believe her husband makes her return expensive gifts and asks for the money instead. Tread very carefully OP.

Yes, this all feels very similar to the Lobster Boy

@chopinandchampagne

There's a lot of echoes of that one.

Sorry posted too soon.
Be very careful @Duvetdaysaregood

Poor @chopinandchampagne has been through absolute hell with her son in law and DD1.

This exactly

The book thing-- so seemingly minor yet so very revealing.

I have been married to my DH for almost 40 years, know well and love my MIL and she calls me a daughter. We have even lived in her house for a month when between properties. I would NEVER ever enter her bedroom without her permission, yet this man went into your room and felt no need to hide the fact? He does not respect you or your boundaries. Be very very careful.

If you are arranging a pet sitter to come and stay could you say that it is one of the rules that the pet sitter must have exclusive use of the house (as if there is any problem of damage, injury to a pet etc they have sole responsibility. It would presumably be a requirement anyway as otherwise if anything went wrong pet sitter would blame BF and BF would blame pet sitter!

Oh OP you need to set boundaries immediately.

You and your Dh sound so lovely but this is your home! Just read your other post and I can see why you are so drained with this.

Sounds like Bf's family have a totally different set of values to your family, I am totally on your side here with the generous hosting etc but your home is NOT their home, they are visitors, your Dd is a visitor and she needs to understand this, just as when you visit her you wouldn't dream of dumping your laundry in her kitchen, helping yourself for food, go snooping round in her bedroom...

Whether Dd likes it or not the boundaries of a normal person have been crossed and you really need to make this clear for your own sanity, the more you let them get away with this the more they will push the boundaries further.

Genuinely think you need to be clear that you feel boundaries have been pushed too far, you would love to spend the weekend away with your Dd but will arrange for the dogs to be cared for and your house will be empty whilst you are away.

It sounds as though Bf and his family are pretty assertive, I'm so sorry but it sounds as though they have zero respect for you and Dh and your home. They may actually respect you more if you do assert yourselves on this.

Agree with the extra security on the door and ring doorbell. If Dd doesn't like it then your weekend away might be cancelled but saves you being away worrying about your home so not sure how enjoyable the weekend would be anyway.

Good luck x

Lobster Boy?

Sounds like a great plan OP. x

She has! Read the updates.

Just this.

This.

I do get the impression that your dd has arranged this holiday so that her bf and possibly his parents can use your home while you're away. Personally, I would not feel obliged to take her up on the holiday offer as I hate to feel manipulated and it would not be a holiday for me.

You should be honest with your dd. Hiding your feelings towards her boyfriend just enables her to continue a relationship with a controlling partner.

Keep it calm, give examples of his behaviour and tell her you love her.

If you don't tell her the truth, who will?