Our guests are hinting they wont leave .. continued thread …

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Did anyone read my previous thread were dd bf invited his parents to stay over Christmas and it was awful? Seemed to be dominating our household etc. bit of a user . We got some very good advice.

We have now been thrown a bit of a new situation and would appreciate advice please.

Our dd has kindly booked us a weekend away , her and us . We were over the moon until we heard the words and bf can come and look after the pets . ( we normally take with us , but cannot to this venue ) .

In the previous thread I identified that the bf said to us he considered our home one of his bases.
There is a backstory in the thread but don't know how to link !

We really dont want him to be in our home by himself (and also possibly invite parents again. )
In the face of our daughters genuine kindness we are instead of feeling pleased , stressed.
We don't want to lose her by insulting her bf , but anyone who has read the previous thread will know why this is really not on .

What in earth can we say to our dd?
We also would like advice on what do to in future a
s we feel that anytime we go away our home may be seen as an opportunity to be moved into as he may see it as a chance for a free holiday ( again if you read the backstory , you will know why)

( we cannot really say oh so and so is moving in for a week to deter ? As this gives the idea its fine for people to move into our home. Of course if it was our dd or other family members it would go without question they are welcome to use our home , we would be glad to let them use it .)
Simply do not know how to deal
with this and as said we don't want to lose dd over the fact that we do not want her bf using our house when we are away — she knows we are naturally inclusive people and will sus that this is not how we are and be surprised if we say no . . she will ask why.. especially has done something so kind for us .

I agree. I don't think the daughter is an innocent in this plot. The question is why she is playing along.

Well done OP.

I read your other thread. I can't believe they didn't contribute at all to costs when they stayed. Even if they don't have much money they must have enough to feed themselves back home so could have given you that money.

I think you really have to be honest with your daughter about how her partner makes you feel in your own home.
Be very explicit with her that he is showing disrespect towards your husband, her father and therefore he is not welcome in your home.
He has invaded the privacy of your bedroom, he is a thief and he takes massive advantage of your hospitality.
You don't trust him and your home is NOT one of his "bases".
She is an adult with her own job and home. You cannot allow yourself to be bullied like this and sadly your DD is complicit in this.

Short term

Say no thank you for the offer the pets are taken care of and we don't want people in the house whilst we are away.

Get a ring door bell.

Wait until you are away with DD to have a chat about the Christmas & NY - it is interesting that she is coming alone perhaps she may be about to share some doubts about the BF!

Be aware that there is every chance this CF would still want to stay even if you had hired help or friends staying to pet sit.

And finally if you give in and let the CF stay there's a chance he might still be hanging around when you get back from your holidays and want to extend his stay!

Op I know lots of people are commending you for putting in place some boundaries and saying no. However, you are still not addressing the main issue.

Your unease about DD bf , and his behaviour. I understand in certain situations in life we cannot be so direct, but as a PP has said if you aren’t going to be honest with your daughter who is?

it’s only going to get harder, if you keep avoiding the elephant in the room!

Hiya!
I have actually been "the daughter" in this situation. This was a few years ago, my partner (to this day) also considered my parents' home one of his bases. Before my partner went to their home while they were on holiday I had asked them if he could and at the time I couldn't understand why they would be uncomfortable with the idea, I was a bit immature. They didn't say no luckily for him but they were uncomfortable with it. But today, reading your thread, and I do remember your initial thread, I agree that you need to set the boundaries and say you prefer for her to be there when BF is there. She will probably get upset for it. But for every one of those excuses listed above, I would see right through them. She loves you and will get over it. now the idea of having made my loving parents uncomfortable makes me feel sick. They know my partner a lot more now and get on well. Time and patience works on all of us

I would definitely get a Ring doorbell or similar and possibly even some hidden cameras. Doesn’t sound like you can trust him or his family to respect your boundaries. Is there any way he could have gotten a copy of your back door key?

I too think you need to just state that as it is your home you wouldn't be comfortable with him there without your daughter too.
I think that's an ok thing to say.

I've definitely had conversations with my parents where they've had to do this, I was quite naive and didn't really understand things like this until it was pointed out to me.
I used to be so attached to boyfriends and not want to do stuff without them or I'd think they could come to everything when really, parents just want to see their kid not always with their partner too! My mum would just tell me, in a kind way.

I think nowadays my dad would probably just be more blunt and say no, you are a big girl you can stand on your own two feet. You've got to make your own path in life etc etc.

Op are you going to tell dd that key won’t work? Might be good for her to see the result if she tell partner he can’t go and the his response if he ignores her , drives 5 hours and can’t get in… with his parents… just sayin

Just read the strategy and I think that's good OP! Well done.

Also, if the bf says stupid things about sorting stuff out with fists then you or your husband should retort something about how a stint in prison won't be good for his career or something.

Honestly I read the last thread just a minute ago and I am stressed out for you. The issue is your daughter and you will need to spell it out for her in time, i think.

I guess you will see if it is a set up once you advise about altering the plans and taking the dogs!

Thank him for his offer to look after your pets, but tell him that your home is your private space and that we do not want or need house sitters.

Don't make up an excuse but just tell this guy to accept this and not ask to stay in your home again as it will embarrassing to just say no.

Put pets in cattery/kennels, change the locks. Install cctv. Tell your DD you love her but not her BF. You aren't saying she can't see him just he can't stay at your house. It's your house.

I remember your other thread.

Get a ring doorbell immediately.

Some of the things you have said however sound strange eg....his parents have financial chaos and he must appreciate your being home owners? If this is the same thread he earns 40 grand a year?
He felt relaxed and walked into your bedroom? He saw a book and tried to make conversation with you?

He doesn't know how to relate to you both and Seems to be trying to impress you both with being top dog?

What his parents donor don't do is nothing to do with him.
Being homeowners doesn't make you superior to them.... please remember that. As far as I remember your dd lives with him and somehow her in law's also got invited for Xmas and over Syed?

So glad to see your update. No need to fall out, just say, I’m sorry we don’t want anyone staying while we’re away, I know we have in the past when away but we’ve grown out if it. And just rinse and repeat, no need to go into explaining. Great to hear to have that lock!

For the people talking money I had a similar situation where I earned far less and was due to no fault of my own in a far less stable situation than DH sisters partner. My in law's had no issues with their daughter partner just me and it seemed to be totally background and money oriented.

I've never forgotten how they treated me and of course daughter partner is long gone but DH and I are together nearly 20 year's.

My side were totally trusting and welcoming of dh though? We in the end just didn't want to spend much time with people who didn't trust us or put their house above relationships.....i'e the trust.
. before people jump down my throat..I know the bf sounds questionable but we only have ops pov and surely her DD is of sound mind and good character?

I don't know what I would do if my dd ended up with a man like this but aside from speaking in a strange way and stopping over some boundaries I'm not sure what his real crime's are.

Just be upfront and tell her what u really think of her bf abs his family way they used ur home.
Tell her no way he's staying there alone. Very fresh to call it his base when it's no such thing and tell her it most certainly isn't hiS base. I read the whole thread lady time and I think ur very worried u will lose her. Why? Just because ur calling her bf's bad behaviour out. My goodness. My mum always told me what she thought🤣 I respected her for it. Can u imagine what a Pratt of a husband he will make.

Can someone update me on the thief aspect please

Has he suggested to dd to offer you a break away as a ploy to use ur home. Doubt you would gain anything from her trip , it’s crap behaviour from all the others. Your home not hers . Suggest you are bringing all the book club for a sleepover. First week at hers , second at bf parents. We had relatives suggest they were camping in our garden. I just said no way . Relatives then told everyone we didn’t get on . All family had run ins so knew them. It’s easier to speak out , they are banking on u backing down. Fight fire with fire. Or just laugh n say absolutely NO.

This. Have a rest. And never have his parents back to stay after what happened.

So … the plan is to acknowledge that he has probably been ill socialised .

The arrogance I will try to address. Will keep close eye on dd , reinforce her values and upbringing.
When he says things that do not feel ok .. will challenge .
It seems clear to me that he has been raised by a misogynist father , one who he hero worships .
for that , i have sympathy .
I so hope that he can shed it .
i will fight it in our home and I fear it , it is so hard work , but instead of submitting to fear of it , need to be on it .

Not knowing how old he is its hard to say but many young people steal from a shop, perhaps once or twice. Its somehow a young thing, one off, I don't think that's the end of the world personally. If they've been financially hard up it might have come from that. Its obviously not a nice thing to do to the shop but I don't think its morally a sign he is all bad. The other stuff re using your home and going into your bedroom another matter, but again depends on age. Sounds very inappropriate that the parents think they can come and use your house without speaking directly to you. Rude. If its likely to be a long term relationship I think you gently have to explain your concerns to daughter.

@mustgetoffmn love your username.

I think if he stole in the presence of his live-in girlfriend’s parents that puts him in a different category.

Cuckoo is exactly the word I was thinking of!

This is the man who earns 40 grand? .
A cock lodger?

People are nosey in houses I've had guests this weekends and I saw one through a crack in my bedroom door trying to see into my bedroom!!

Going through drawers etc weird but seeing a book on a bedside shelf not.

I think there were some fears that the boyfriend was down this ultra macho karate route?

That side o would treat lightly.... Jokey....oh darling you are with a man so opposite to dad ....to the BF we value other things like .....

If he's rude ro DH again..oh careful we know you think you have movea bf ( do chopping karate motion) but we could out dance you....)

Mention of House say you feel funny after COVID...lots of cameras in the house.. for the pets when you pop out...

The thing is OP - this is who he is now, whether it's his fault or not.

Be careful how you think about and therefore phrase this when you address it, especially with your DD, because it seems your natural inclination will be to excuse his culpability, in order to avoid serious confrontation, whether of person or difficult facts.

This quickly becomes - it's hard for him to change because of how he was brought up.

And then for your DD in a relationship with him - he treats me like shit but it's not his fault.

Don't look for reasons, don't excuse it, simply call it out and don't put up with it.

The tendency is often to psychoanalyse these men - "something awful must have happened in his past for him to behave in such away"

Whether true or not, the upshot is he's treating you all appallingly, and it doesn't matter why.

Good luck.