To be annoyed ds is technically not invited to Mil's birthday meal

[TinkerBeee]

Our son is 5 years old and autistic. He is quite high needs. He has behaviour issues and a language delay. He still won't sleep on his own and will wake up shouting for you in the night if you are not there. To get to sleep you have to lay next to him. We also have a 3 month old. So bedtime is a 2 man job really as one needs to sleep in room with our son and the other in another room with the baby in the cot. If you needed to bring the baby to feed or comfort to the bedroom with our son he would most likely have a meltdown.
Mil has a 65th birthday coming up and has invited family to a restaurant. They are expecting dh to go and there will be emotional blackmail or a tantrum from dhs family if he doesn't. Its 60 miles away and it starts at 6pm. That means technically our son is not invited as his bedtime is 7.30pm as there is no way they could travel there and have food and be back anywhere close to his bedtime. It also means technically I am not invited as I would need to look after both dc.
AIBU to be annoyed my son and myself are excluded and to think if you expect your adult children to go to a restaurant for a meal for your birthday you make it lunchtime to fit around childcare needs especially when it's a special needs child. This was the same for father in laws 75th birthday a year ago, where our son was technically excluded because it was past his bedtime and I stayed home to look after our son.
Also Ds would behave in a restaurant if it was before his bedtime as he behaviour outside has massively improved in the last 2 years. Mil has never been that interested in ds and has only started interacting with him more when she sees him since his behaviour has improved.

So unreasonable! Of course she doesn’t need to plan her own birthday around your sons bedtime? If I have a family dinner we just let the kids stay up late? Really not a big deal. You can choose to do that or you can choose not to go. But why should her birthday be planned around your rules and routines for your child? A lunch date in a child friendly place isn’t exactly a big treat for a lot of people? She is welcome to celebrate her birthday how she wishes.

‘I would also invite my mother in law for a small tea party t my house so i could celebrate with her. You never know she might appreciate you reaching out and doing that for her’

What an excellent idea, it might help to break down the resentful barrier that the OP seems to have built.

My dad wants me to bring our 2 year old and new baby to his 80th dinner! It's very sweet but I want to be able to have a drink and enjoy myself - so DP will stay home with the kids. He doesn't mind as it's my family. I don't see why you do?

This is what would happen with us too. And we do have a child with SEN.
If we took her to an adult birthday celebration it would turn into something very different, very quickly! You have to play the game according to the cards you're dealt. It works fine if you take it in turns.

@RobinaCherry exactly! I don't see the need for my children to be included in adult plans that they wouldn't particularly enjoy anyway. We prefer to divide and conquer where possible for now; there are plenty of opportunities in the future for family dinners in restaurants. I wouldn't dream of expecting my friends or family to accommodate my children's bed times / tastes / special needs / anything while making their birthday plans.

Why can’t he go to bed late just this once?

I have read many many posts on here & this type of post & this one in particular are an example of such selfishness.

No, it is not unreasonable to have a birthday dinner in the evening

No, it is not unreasonable to want your son to attend your birthday dinner

No, you are not technically excluded.

You have choices.

Change the bedtime that evening. Take a buggy for little one to sleep in, take an iPad for older child. Allow a one off late night. Accept that for a couple of days routine will be up in air. Such is life.

Get a babysitter (paid or from your family or friend group)

Or stop moaning & tell your dj to go & enjoy himself at his mums birthday without YOUR guilt tripping & emotional manipulative behaviour.

Speaking as a mum of a kid with sen here. Yabvvvvvu OP.

A lovely party at home? Her home? On her birthday? So she has to plan, prep, cook, clean, organise... are you for real?

The issue is the family use emotional blackmail to get their way and the child had been shown little interest in in the past by his own grandmother. Those things are not ok. I don’t have people like that in our lives, we had a couple, we cut them out as I like people around us that love us and treat us well, like I do

But it's not OP's decision to make because it's not her mum. She doesn't get to dictate that her husband can't see his own mum on her birthday 🤷🏻‍♀️.

If OP herself wants to cut contact that's up to her but she doesn't get to make gnat decision for another adult.

Sorry but I think you've taken this way too personally. Her thought process to booking her birthday meal will not have factored in your day to day life, why would it? She just wants a celebration and if you can't go then its not the end of the world. I say this as a parent who missed my mil 70th birthday due to a child with special needs. Husband went and had a great time, I stayed home with my child. No big deal.

It can be hard to create ‘sustainable long term plans’ with special needs children. My autistic child cannot be put to bed by anyone else. No one else can cope with it. Is it a ‘sustainable long term plan’? No. Is it something that we have to put up with as we have a disabled child? Yes

I have been in this position with my child with significant SEN. What changed things for us is when I had to go into hospital and I simply couldn't be there.
Things gradually got easier for us after that, when we (and our child) realised that nothing terribly bad happened when I wasn't there, the sky didn't fall in, and alternative situations became acceptable. And my child is non verbal so couldn't even explain why I wasn't there. Change comes slowly but you have to start somewhere. (Though I know it's hard to think about. Our hands were somewhat forced)

@Yawningalldaylong

why should mother in law incur lots of extra hassle and expense by hosting a party at her house?!

Birthday person can have a dinner rather than lunch if they want. They can't however have a tantrum if your DH can't go. He's going to need to grow some balls OP. This is a HIM issue. He needs to step up as a father and dh and just say it like it is. 'No, my children need me. I am unable to attend' and if they start on him he needs to tell them that his children and wife are his priority and with s baby and SN child, the dinner is not doable for him.

@pocketvenuss

i disagree

for one night on her birthday his mother can be his priority

it’s not like he is having to decide who gets to eat and who doesn’t - it’s one bedtime!

Well of course she should....what a selfish cow
she is remember for wanting to choose how to celebrate her birthday.....

OP, have you or your husband challenged her behaviour before? I’d have raised the issue of her emotional blackmail. tantrums and lack of interest in your child previously. It’s not a normal way to behave if she wants a close family. Unfortunately people let this stuff go to often imo.

@ClearRunning

you cannot force someone to be interested in their grandchildren

I think your reading far to much into this OP. If your MIL wants to go out with family at 6pm for her 65th birthday then that is the plans.
It's your husbands mother! Can he or you never go out on a evening because bed time is a 2 person job? Is there anyone who can come and assist you for that night? Or when your husband comes back he can get up earlier in the morning and leaving you to rest?
There has to be some compromise for special occasions.
My daughter isn't 'invited' to my Dads 65th birthday meal in a couple of weeks time. As we're going out around half 6 and my daughters bed time is 7 and it would be to late for her. So she will see him on the day of his birthday through the day.
You haven't said that your MiL has said that your son isn't invited. You have said you can't go because it's past your sons bed time.

I know. But if you’re not interested, you have to accept the consequences of that.

My in-laws were not interested in our kids. They also did a lot of emotional blackmail to the point of lying about them being ill. A lot happened. It resulted in me having no contact with them and my partner and children having a very low amount of contact with them. My children have now chosen not to see them at all as teenagers, my partner has minimal contact.

We tried to talk to them at various points because we didn’t want that situation. We obviously wanted good family relationships, but there’s only so much I could take.

@LuckySantangelo35 you seem to have missed the bit where the OP describes the fraught sit with trying to settle baby and SN child. It's not done thing she can handle alone right now. And due to this, no, his mum does not come first.

On her birthday, for a few hours, I think it's ok. As usual for Mumsnet, the MIL is always the villain.

While it's absolutely fine for MIL to have her birthday celebration whenever she likes, you kind of think she might consider her son and grandchildren's situation and talk it through with her son at least if she wants him/them to be there (or perhaps she purposely arranges it for this time so that the children can't come and nor can you). She also is being very unreasonable to throw a tantrum if DH puts you and the kids first - she should have talked it through with him if she wanted to make sure he could attend - I mean who doesn't do that? Are you even invited or has she just assumed you're not coming?

Most people on here have no idea what it is like to have both a tiny baby and an autistic young child to deal with. You can tell that most don't even have any idea how important routine and sleep are to an autistic child - and those that do have a child with SEN should really know better than to say 'well I could manage it with my child'. You'd think they would have enough empathy to understand that you are not them and that your child is not their child.

I would be telling DH that I didn't want him to go, he can see his mum during the day - maybe the rest of you could even go then too! At the end of the day though it's his choice, I have no time for mummies boys though so if he couldn't stand up to her and say no in case she had a tantrum then I wouldn't have much respect for him. At the end of the day she should have discussed it with him beforehand if she wanted to make sure he could come.

I sympathise but I think if neither of you can ever be away because bedtime is a two-person job, then it is not sustainable because the social isolation will not be good for either of you or for your marriage. How often do disrupted bedtimes occur due to his family? If it's a couple of times per year, then maybe you should just get through it, albeit make sure that there is a reciprocal day when YOU get to do something social and he has to handle bedtime on his own (otherwise he may forget how hard it is to do it alone and may start expecting it to be a frequent thing that he gets to go out alone in the evenings). If it's a frequent thing, then you should have a conversation with him and decide on how often you can both stand doing bedtime alone, and therefore which family events must be prioritised.

Bearing in mind that, yes, a 65th birthday is a one-time thing, but you each likely have two living parents, they are all entering that time of life when parents feel every fifth year is a milestone (70th birthday, 75th birthday, etc), so between all your parents this will be at least once a year from now on. And if you have a family like my husband's, where every family member's every birthday must be celebrated with a family dinner (where if you fail to attend, a multiple week guilt-trip is laid on thick), it could be every couple of weeks, depending on how many siblings, siblings-in-law, and nieces and nephews he has.

I sympathise but I think if neither of you can ever be away because bedtime is a two-person job, then it is not sustainable because the social isolation will not be good for either of you or for your marriage.

The baby is 3 months old - still in the 'do whatever you need to do to keep your sanity' stage. It's hardly like they're in some inflexible routine with say a 3 and 6 year old.

@SleeplessInEngland well it's not 'a few hours' though is it. It's 60 miles away and over the exact period of time that the OP and their DC NEED him to be around. The baby won't be a baby forever but right now his priorities are with his young family. And this has nothing to do with MIL issues. That's your big bear. I would be saying the same if it was a sibling or best mate or work function.

It is reasonable for an adult to wish to have an evening meal to celebrate a birthday. Given it is booked for 6pm, there likely has already been some compromise to allow for children, as most adult meals out are later than that.

Changing to a lunchtime booking is likely to feel less celebratory, and may also exclude others in the family (a lunchtime meal would mean several adults in our family could not attend, due to work or other commitments). It's also not what the MIL wants for her birthday.

It's unlikely the MIL has deliberately organised the meal specifically for a time OP and her son cannot attend (esp as it's at 6pm). However, from a practical perspective it doesn't work - so the best option os to work out how DH can attend his mother's celebration.

Suggestions made about inviting MIL to another daytime celebration could help with improving the atmosphere. It's not clear what the tantrums/emotional blackmail consist of - expressing disappointment that DH couldn't attend would be expected.