To be annoyed ds is technically not invited to Mil's birthday meal

[TinkerBeee]

Our son is 5 years old and autistic. He is quite high needs. He has behaviour issues and a language delay. He still won't sleep on his own and will wake up shouting for you in the night if you are not there. To get to sleep you have to lay next to him. We also have a 3 month old. So bedtime is a 2 man job really as one needs to sleep in room with our son and the other in another room with the baby in the cot. If you needed to bring the baby to feed or comfort to the bedroom with our son he would most likely have a meltdown.
Mil has a 65th birthday coming up and has invited family to a restaurant. They are expecting dh to go and there will be emotional blackmail or a tantrum from dhs family if he doesn't. Its 60 miles away and it starts at 6pm. That means technically our son is not invited as his bedtime is 7.30pm as there is no way they could travel there and have food and be back anywhere close to his bedtime. It also means technically I am not invited as I would need to look after both dc.
AIBU to be annoyed my son and myself are excluded and to think if you expect your adult children to go to a restaurant for a meal for your birthday you make it lunchtime to fit around childcare needs especially when it's a special needs child. This was the same for father in laws 75th birthday a year ago, where our son was technically excluded because it was past his bedtime and I stayed home to look after our son.
Also Ds would behave in a restaurant if it was before his bedtime as he behaviour outside has massively improved in the last 2 years. Mil has never been that interested in ds and has only started interacting with him more when she sees him since his behaviour has improved.

But there’s a bigger problem here. The families behaviour, using emotional blackmail and not being interested in a child until he shows more pleasing behaviours. That’s horrible.

we have no evidence of that since OP didn't provide examples. She has, as other pp pointed out, been pretty emotionally blackmailing herself.

The thing is: the baby is 3 months old. How can the rest of the family know that their routine is so deeply ingrained? have they ever said this? And tbh, if i have a birthday dinner, i can't please everyone, but i will try to have the maximum number of people there.

And as other pp said: whenever this cropped up with us, we offered an alternative time/date to take the birthday person out. This is life with small children, ND or not, and as time goes on the situation will change. So should MIL check with OP and her DH every time? what about her other children?

It's unfortunate but it's not the end of the world. And if they do "tantrum"? how do you handle a tantrumming child? you remain calm.

It's unreasonable to expect extended family to only ever have events at lunchtime to suit your children's bedtime needs.
Can you see that?
You are taking it personally as if they are doing it in person.

You have a DH problem. He's too scared of his demanding mother to not go. It's bullshit. He needs to chose you over his mother.

DH is the one you are angry with, but you are making it his MILs fault.

DH needs to say to his mother 'we can't go if it's at 6pm due to the kids bedtimes'.
Then she can decide what to do with that.

If its an evening meal it's usually adults only so either you stay home with your kids so oh can go to his mother's birthday or you look into childcare options

Will you stop being so over-the-top ridiculous, please?

My mother was diagnosed with cancer and died at 66.

You can' tell someone to distance themselves from their own parents and not see them.

That's controlling behaviour.

All NIL has done is arrange a dinner at a restaurant. This is not a crime, no one has been murdered

I agree. In an otherwise lovely family with healthy relationships, of course they can go off and have a meal that doesn’t include kids as it’s at their bedtime or whatever.

But I expect family to treat us well. Having little interest in a child as a grandparent is horrible. Using emotional blackmail and tantrums is disgusting, we dealt with that for a while. It’s dysfunctional. We don’t put up with it now.

It's not going to work for you this time and mil needs to be ok with that. She has the choice of a lunchtime if having dh there is so important. When your baby is older and not breastfeeding, or sleeping better, you'll be able to be more flexible.

Your MIL is entitled to have a birthday dinner with adults. However, given the context of her not bothering with your son, I can see what this hurts you.

Given your child is autistic and bedtime at the moment is a 2 person job, I think your dh would be unreasonable to go. Family comes first and is prioritised over extended family. Your son's needs come before your MILs wants. Ignore any tantrums and guilt trips. If she can't understand that your child is more important then she is, then she isn't worth bothering about.

Just go over there during the day for brunch?

You do need a plan for 5yo that doesn't involve an adult every night & excludes sibling though. Or if thats genuinely impossible you both need to accept the choice to have a 2nd child means you're both staying in for the foreseeable

Most decent gp would want to include their sodding grandchildren in a birthday celebration

So if you want an adult only celebration for your birthday, that makes you a rubbish grandparent? 🙄

Don't be so daft.

If you choose to have children you need to accept that it sometimes comes with restrictions 🤷🏻‍♀️

But how has Mil sulked? Said what a shame you can’t come. I’d say that to a friend if they couldn’t come to a birthday meal ffs! As I would like them there not because I’m sulking or using emotional blackmail. The op sounds far more manipulative to me than her mil to be honest. And no way would I expect dh to miss any In laws birthday because of our dcs. Hell I wouldn’t miss a family event on his side either unless i absolutely had to!

@MyRiverThee

this! Have some empathy with the woman

I have my own birthday meal in the evening without my children!

Has it crossed your mind that your MIL birthday is not all about you?

Bedtime routine sounds really tough, exhausting, but you can't expect MIL to arrange her landmark birthday meal around it. 6pm is quiet early for a meal out so she may have thought 6pm would be possible for DC.
I think your DH needs to go and ideally take baby with him- 3 month olds are generally portable, sleep in car seat by table, lots of willing hands for cuddles etc. Sadly if taking your 5 year is out of the question (could he manage a later bedtime?) then you will need to stay at home with him. It sucks but it's one night. Do you have any support close by? Could you mum, sibling,friend come over and help, keep you company?

Presumably your MIL has more people to accommodate than your DS. She has picked a time and venue that suits her and her other guests.
So either DH goes on his own. Or he invites MIL to a lunch that suits your family on a different day.
Tbh I wouldn't begrudge my DH going to his DM's birthday meal. It's a milestone birthday. It's not a regular occurrence. Surely you can ask a friend or relative to help for that one night if you can't manage on your own.

Its so shit on mumsnet that there are certain people who view a woman over child bearing age who doesn’t bend over backwards for others and put herself last all the time as vile and a cow

it really says a lot

@MyRiverThee

It's her birthday and her choice what she does and at what time. It's also up to you if you attend or not. I don't understand this "technically I'm not invited" business. You either go or don't. You're making issues where none exist.

I agree tbh. If you want to go for a nice meal in a special restaurant it's no fun trying to do that with small children.

I don't think everything has to include or be suitable for kids.

YABU. It would be different if MIL was pressuring for DS himself to be there but she's not unreasonable for not planning around him or being bothered whether he's there.

Honestly, your post sounds quite selfish. This isn’t about you or your son. Your MIL is an adult and would like to celebrate her birthday by going out for dinner. It’s unfortunate that you will be unable to attend but why do you feel she should work her own celebration around you and your needs, it’s not your birthday.

If she was lovely, I’d think it was a perfectly ok thing to do. I have no problem if a relative goes for a meal that me or my kids can’t go to.

The issue is the family use emotional blackmail to get their way and the child had been shown little interest in in the past by his own grandmother. Those things are not ok. I don’t have people like that in our lives, we had a couple, we cut them out as I like people around us that love us and treat us well, like I do them.

If others accept shit behaviour from others, that’s up to them.

I think as its her 65th birthday that MIL gets a free pass this time..DH should you and if I' were you, I'd be much happier at home than at a potentially difficult evening that you are already resenting (don't blame you as its happened before)
I used to hate taking our wriggling, very active DC to long boring family meals where they were expected to sit like statues and scrutinised for every movement. They simply couldn't sit (usually both on my lap) for hours doing nothing at that age.
But going forward, tyou have to deal with -
The emotional blackmail or tantrum DH will get from his family if he doesn't go.
Don't accept future exclusion as the norm because of tantrum threats. What if you reversed it and DH gave the emotional blackmail or tantrum? SIts behaving like toddlers. So treat that as ridiculous and act accordingly.

Having very young children, even without any extra needs, at adult events past their bedtime is always going to be trying, especially if you've got two, but things will improve as they get older, but its easier if you bring up their needs in a nice way before everything is set in stone. I sort of did this once by arranging lunch at a place with a large outside enclosed area, so that the two youngest could eat and then get down from the table and play without disturbing anyone. It took a bit of persuading but it worked. PILs also started organising picnics.

This is an opportunity for you and DH to raise the issue, calmly, gently, going forward (not on the day obviously) "I hope we can plan future events so that OP isn't stuck at home with the children all the time, they are part of the family too." and think about how/where you could make it work for future occasions. There have already been some ideas on this thread.
Don't let it become a pattern. Talk to them in a positive way about how things could work well if DS is invited to future events.

6pm is a perfectly normal time for people with kids to eat dinner. Ok so it doesn't fit with your precise childcare needs but it's not all about you. I wouldn't make a big deal of it. Your husband can go on his own and can you get someone else to help you with bedtime for one night? You're clearly very angry with you MIL but wanting her son to come to her birthday meal at a perfectly reasonable hour isn't really emotional blackmail or a tantrum.