To be annoyed ds is technically not invited to Mil's birthday meal

[TinkerBeee]

Our son is 5 years old and autistic. He is quite high needs. He has behaviour issues and a language delay. He still won't sleep on his own and will wake up shouting for you in the night if you are not there. To get to sleep you have to lay next to him. We also have a 3 month old. So bedtime is a 2 man job really as one needs to sleep in room with our son and the other in another room with the baby in the cot. If you needed to bring the baby to feed or comfort to the bedroom with our son he would most likely have a meltdown.
Mil has a 65th birthday coming up and has invited family to a restaurant. They are expecting dh to go and there will be emotional blackmail or a tantrum from dhs family if he doesn't. Its 60 miles away and it starts at 6pm. That means technically our son is not invited as his bedtime is 7.30pm as there is no way they could travel there and have food and be back anywhere close to his bedtime. It also means technically I am not invited as I would need to look after both dc.
AIBU to be annoyed my son and myself are excluded and to think if you expect your adult children to go to a restaurant for a meal for your birthday you make it lunchtime to fit around childcare needs especially when it's a special needs child. This was the same for father in laws 75th birthday a year ago, where our son was technically excluded because it was past his bedtime and I stayed home to look after our son.
Also Ds would behave in a restaurant if it was before his bedtime as he behaviour outside has massively improved in the last 2 years. Mil has never been that interested in ds and has only started interacting with him more when she sees him since his behaviour has improved.

This sums it up well
@MyRiverThee

It's very clear that lots of posters don't get how difficult it can be bringing up a child with such high needs.

Several are projecting because they don't get on with their own in-laws, so ignore them.

I think the suggestion that all of you have a separate lunch with her is a good one. Would that work for you?

OP, you know how much you love your son? That's how much your mother in law loves her own son. You know how much you like your mother in law? That's how much she likes you. In short, of course she wants her son at her birthday meal, she carried him, gave birth to him, brought him up..I'm sure you'd like your kids at significant birthdays in the future too. If they turned you down because their partner couldn't cope for one night with a tricky bedtime I think you'd be hurt. It's one night, not a two week holiday. I have an autistic nephew, I appreciate it can be tough. Nevertheless, my brother works nights and my sister-in-law did bedtime every night alone for years. You will both end up with no social life/very isolated if you don't figure this out early on. Let your husband go out for the meal and book something nice in with your friends soon. The world will not end.

🙄 Or you could read my posts.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH ANYONE I KNOW PLANNING A MEAL THAT ME OR MY CHILDREN CANT ATTEND.

I would have a problem with her if has shown little interest in my child for years and uses emotional blackmail. But I’d have sorted it years ago. The meal is irrelevant to the actual issues.

😂 Seriously. Read my posts. The meal isn’t the issue I’d have.

If OP and husband were so overwhelmed by son's needs, maybe they should have stopped at one.

How do they expect to function if they need two sets of hands for something as simple as bedtime? It's simply untenable for neither of them to not miss a single bedtime.

It was their conscious choice. They don't get to dictate that the extended family bend over backwards to accommodate them.

Sone people don’t get what having autistic child means. It’s a very difficult time atm at the OP’s family with challenges of having a new baby plus her older son’s problems but it won’t last forever. it’s not like her DH would never see his relatives again.

OP I do get that you are upset about his relatives’s attitude towards your son but do try to be fair. Is there any way how it can work? Would be lunch time celebration good for other relatives realistic? Is it too late to change plans? Can you ask someone to help you for a bit with baby to give your DH chance to join meal for some time? Your DH should talk to his Mum, the key is to be polite and fair and stick to your decision. If he can’t come he can’t, whatever they will say, he won’t be able to change his decision as he can’t make it work . There always will be the next birthday.
By the way will be other DGC at the celebration? If yes, I would expect yours to be included as well and would decline for this reason.

Dh goes on his own. You look after both children. It's only 60miles, Dh isn't going away for more than a few hours. and wish MiL a very happy birthday. Have some grace.

This

Them using emotional blackmail and throwing tantrums isn’t good.

Having an evening do fine, of course, but don’t throw a tantrum if someone can’t go.

The key factor thought is whether the baby is bf or ff/ mixed fed. If the latter, the obvious answer is he goes and takes the baby. That means your son’s routine is in disturbed. Little babies are v portable. Even my exh who was generally crap took baby ds to certain things like this so I could spent time with older dd (who is NT - baby was mixed fed)

Technically, everybody is right to say MIL can plan her meal for whenever she likes. But if it is a meal for the family and she chooses a time that she knows will mean some family members can't attend, that is hurtful. It's saying those people don't matter to her.

YANBU to be upset by this even though I know and accept your MIL can have her meal whenever she wants.

I also have a high needs child with SEN.
My MIL is very considerate and would never exclude her grandchild.

You MIL should not have to plan her birthday around your children, and your DH should go.

As you have lots of notice, you should book a babysitter that night to help you with the baby, just the same you would if you were both able to go out. That way you have a pair of hands to keep the baby occupied while you see to your son.

Do you even know someone who could come over and get a takeaway and watch a movie with you for the evening and be that other pair of hands?

This does not have to be a problem, and it sounds like you need to get into the habit of responding to situations like this positively and resourcefully, not resenting other people for going about their lives as normal.

also for pp calling OP selfish and making it all about her - that is completely understandable, she and her DH are in serious overwhelm right now.
I hope that the less out-there posts give her some food for thought.

Not necessarily, you can want a meal out without kids without it meaning you don't care about them.

This is exactly my feeling. It's not just the fact that she has organized her birthday meal without any thought for some close family members - it's also the lack of interest in your child in general that I would be very upset about. We have a child with special needs in our family and his grandparents on either side would never organise anything that would potentially exclude him - if it's an important birthday event, why would they not want all their grandchildren there? Some people seem to have a very selfish attitude to life it seems - I want so I get and stuff the feelings of others. I couldn't enjoy myself if I knew that I had made it difficult for some to attend. So I don't think you are being unreasonable - your MiL is obviously more interested in enjoying herself than making your child feel loved.

OP you are getting SO many responses from people who have no idea what it's like trying to settle an autistic child. Please ignore them. Getting a sitter or changing bedtime 'just this once' works for a neurotypical child, not your child. But MiL won't understand this. Most people just don't. You have to toughen up and get used to it.

Choices I'd aim for are:

• All stay home. Explain with newborn and young SEN child, he just can't leave you alone, much as you'd all love to go. You could say you'd love to treat her to lunch at your house instead as you don't want to miss out on celebrating. Get her to come to you and make a fuss of her.
• All go, stay as long as you are able but all leave simultaneously as soon as you need to.
• DH goes. You hire a professional night nurse to support the baby while you deal with DS.
• DH goes. You ask a very close friend to support the baby while you deal with DH, and expect this to be a very unsettled and stressful night with no sleep. Take next day off work, and when DH gets back, go straight to bed.

I would consider a meal at 6 child friendly. 8.30, not child friendly but 6 to me is deliberately having early dinner so a family group can have the children present. Most people will flex on bed time when it is a special occasion for a family.

Has there been any actual example of what the 'emotional blackmail and tantrums' from the MIL is?
So far it seems to be not planning her birthday around ops family only?

And if you’ve been a loving grandmother the rest of the time, there probably wouldn’t be an issue with this. When you’ve shown little interest in the child for many years, that does show a lack of care for them.

My close relative had a weekend away that I couldn’t attend due to my child. She knew I wouldn’t be able to come but it was the weekend that suited her. And I was of course fine with it because I know she loves me and she’s the best friend I could ask for all year round.

That's the difference for me.

I wouldn't want a disruptive child at my birthday meal either with the parents leaving the table to try and calm it . It's very difficult but I think on this occasion your DH needs to attend on his own

There has not.

This is the issue.
Your DH needs to tell them he can't go as he needs to be at home for his young children. And then he needs to tell them again and again until they understand that his priority is his wife and children.
IF they want him and you there then they can show some flexibility.
What sort of blackmail? What normal adult blackmails their adult children when they're doing something as normal as being at home at bedtime?

Where is your family? Your mum/ sister etc ?

my sister has a child with autism. And a smaller NT child. Bedtime in there house is definitely a two person job - no sane person could cope with that on their own.

so when her DH is away with work I’ve stepped in to watch younger sibling while she deals with older one.

I’ve seen the hurt tho. She and her child weren’t invited to a family wedding - bride didn’t want him there ‘in case it ruined the day’ Awful