To be annoyed ds is technically not invited to Mil's birthday meal

[TinkerBeee]

Our son is 5 years old and autistic. He is quite high needs. He has behaviour issues and a language delay. He still won't sleep on his own and will wake up shouting for you in the night if you are not there. To get to sleep you have to lay next to him. We also have a 3 month old. So bedtime is a 2 man job really as one needs to sleep in room with our son and the other in another room with the baby in the cot. If you needed to bring the baby to feed or comfort to the bedroom with our son he would most likely have a meltdown.
Mil has a 65th birthday coming up and has invited family to a restaurant. They are expecting dh to go and there will be emotional blackmail or a tantrum from dhs family if he doesn't. Its 60 miles away and it starts at 6pm. That means technically our son is not invited as his bedtime is 7.30pm as there is no way they could travel there and have food and be back anywhere close to his bedtime. It also means technically I am not invited as I would need to look after both dc.
AIBU to be annoyed my son and myself are excluded and to think if you expect your adult children to go to a restaurant for a meal for your birthday you make it lunchtime to fit around childcare needs especially when it's a special needs child. This was the same for father in laws 75th birthday a year ago, where our son was technically excluded because it was past his bedtime and I stayed home to look after our son.
Also Ds would behave in a restaurant if it was before his bedtime as he behaviour outside has massively improved in the last 2 years. Mil has never been that interested in ds and has only started interacting with him more when she sees him since his behaviour has improved.

I've been wondering the same.

I think people are being pretty hard on the OP. She has a three month old (so persumably not sleeping much) and a high needs child. That is not an easy situation to be in.

I also agree that MIL and family don't HAVE to arrange a meal with their circumsances in mind, but it would certainally be nice if they did. Unless MIL's family is so large that having branches of it missing out in any event is inevitable, I don't think OP is unreasonable for feeling a bit miffed. I know that both sides of my family have pivoted to day time events while we have small children so that everyone can be included.

6pm is quite early for a dinner out for an adult’s birthday when she herself does not have young children.

I agree with others who are saying that your MIL should focus on what she wants to do for her birthday meal. I know that having a child with additional needs is overwhelming and all-consuming and you’d be forgiven for thinking that his needs are everyone else’s first thoughts when making plans but unfortunately that just isn’t going to be the case. She wants a dinner out with friends and family for her birthday so that’s what she has booked. I think you are overthinking it because of perhaps a history that involves a lack of empathy on her part.

Its so shit on mumsnet that there are certain people who view a woman over child bearing age who doesn’t bend over backwards for others and put herself last all the time as vile and a cow

Worth repeating.

You are obviously festering with resentment OP, but not all MIL suddenly turn into adoring grandparents when grandchildren appear, and you need to accept that.
There are plenty of sensible suggestions on here about how to get through the evening. It’s only right that your husband should go, if the meal is at six he can be back home by 10.30 -11.00 pm.
I suspect that what you really want is for him not to go so that you can be spiteful to your MIL, maybe if you were to soften up, be a bit more thoughtful and not make such a scene about him going, you might find you actually feel a lot better.
As many others have said it’s not all about you.

I think it’s just a case of resentment building. When you feel someone has treated you badly, like a grandmother showing little interest in your child, you’re less likely to want to put yourself out for someone. If she’d been loving and supportive, you’d be happy she was having a lovely birthday meal even if it couldn’t include you.

It's her birthday and so really for her to choose the venue and celebration. My dd has autism and we would be in a similar situation. Can you have a child friendly celebration at a local restaurant with just your family and MIL? Maybe a daytime celebration.

Newsflash, the world does not revolve around you, children or not, autism or not. It is in no way evil for your MIL to want a milestone birthday dinner at a time suitable for adults. It was in no way evil for your FIL to have a milestone dinner at a time suitable for adults.

Given these are essentially one off events, surely your DH can go and you deal with chaos and meltdowns for a night. It will be shit but you will get through it and your son will get through it. Maybe with zero sleep but you all survive it. I say this as someone who has been there with a child with ASD. Sometimes it just is what it is and you suck it up rather than get the world to orbit around you.

Isn't this blessing OP? You have a high needs and a 3 month old, wouldn't you rather just stay at home, you have enough going on. You're creating unnecessary drama.
Why don't you organise a lunch on a different day if you're so concerned about not being able to celebrate MIL birthday ...

But it sounds that you are emotionally blackmailing your DH to stay . 🤷🏼‍♀️
you are driving wedges between him and his family by having a hissy fit that mil should put your children first - be careful. If you keep trying to control him because of your fear of change (eg working to an alternative way of managing this) you may find yourself dealing with your children entirely on your own somewhere down the line due to your marriage breakdown

SEN here too and know how difficult it can be... but your MIL can have her birthday anytime she chooses... and your husband can go or not depending on what he wants to do and what suits you both as a family. You just ignore the blackmail etc. surely.

it's true that it's not about you.

agree with PP suggestion that DH should go, and take the baby so you can do bedtime solo with older child. little one can sleep in buggy (or shout and gurgle) and DH can stay as long as he is able then leave.

MiL gets the presence of her son she requires but is not shielded from the reality that he has other responsibilities now.

Perhaps MIL thought that 6pm was a compromise to allow everyone to attend? It might not be ideal for OP but perhaps she didn't realise.

We only have OP's comments on her MIL not being interested. And I'm inclined to take it with a pinch of salt given the fuss from OP on this birthday issue.

I think for one meal then OP's DH should go alone and OP should either manage bedtime herself or ask family/friends over to help her. It doesn't sound like she is overly fond of MIL and I suspect this is just an excuse to criticise MIL rather than she is genuinely upset about not being able to attend the meal.

You're saying that technically both your ds and you are excluded. But it seems more that you are self-excluding on the basis that the timing doesn't work for ds. That sucks. Perhaps MIL could have been more considerate and planned a lunch celebration to be more inclusive.
You clearly have the background that posters here don't, but on the face of things this doesn't seem such terrible behaviour from her.
In your shoes, I'd either send DH alone, maybe try and rope in a friend or relative to help with the baby while managing ds' bedtime, and dh can jauntily explain that you and ds would have loved to have come but evening meals just don't work at the moment. Or go - hope the baby will sleep in a pram - or there will be willing relatives to take turns walking/holding - if the meal is at 6, that's not so late for ds to eat - he may fall asleep in the car on the way home, maybe you'll have to leave the meal a bit early if he struggles. It's just one time and you will both be there to deal with things.

Kindly, I think YABU and taking offence where no offence is meant.

Planning a dinner at 6pm is reasonable. I get that it is tricky for you and your son to attend but that's not why she planned it that way.

I would send DH with the baby. At 3 months a baby can easily stay out later and then you can settle your DS.

For me, my feelings would depend on whether MIL is having any more child friendly celebrations and whether they usually include or exclude their grandchild. MIL is absolutely allowed to have an adult birthday meal but if there is context and history here, I can see why the OP is not over the moon.

That said, I think some other posters have given wise advice about being flexible within reason. The child with ASD may need routine, and in the frantic first weeks with a newborn it's easier for parents to do what works repeatedly instead of stopping to think about the longer term. OP I'm sure you know that a double bedtime routine isn't sustainable but it's something to adapt over time so that you and DH both get to have time away.

I think yabu here. She just wants to go out for dinner on an evening for her birthday. It's not a crazy unreasonable request. Maybe it doesn't suit those with young kids and they can't make it but its ok sometimes to have an adult only meal as young kids do change the dynamic.
You must also realise that it's not sustainable that both of ye need to be at home every single evening to do bed time. Sometimes stuff happens and people have to make do. I don't think this is all about you at all.

Also have you asked your DH if he wants to go, or have you decided for him?

I have to agree with this. You can't try and stop him going out just because for one night you'll have to do bedtime without him. Maybe you could get the baby to sleep before putting your DS to bed and laying with him. Either way i'm sure you could make it work for one night. Imagine your DH saying to his family that he can't go for a family birthday meal because he has to be at home to get the children to bed with you. Just think about it.

OP, I think you need to decide what you want to do on the basis that your DH will go, so that people can offer you advice based on that. Maybe start a new thread.

Do you....

Want to go too? Then go as a family.

Want to stay home with both DC and DH goes?

Want DH to take DS and give you some alone time with the baby?

Want DH to take Dd so DS's bedtime isn't changed?

YABVU

It's one night. It's up to the birthday person how they celebrate. Most people would want a dinner not lunch for a big birthday.

Babysitter?

I have the opposite problem. My dad wants me to bring our 2 year old and new baby to his 80th dinner! It's very sweet but I want to be able to have a drink and enjoy myself - so DP will stay home with the kids. He doesn't mind as it's my family. I don't see why you do?

I don't know why I assumed your baby is a DD (mine is, force of habit, sorry!)

(personally, I'd advise option3!)

We are only hearing one side of the story here. Emotional blackmail ? Both sides of families have a good few major birthdays this year. There will be many parties arranged and they will be to what the person who's birthday it is wants. There are a good few grand children ranging from late teens to babies. And with all different need and requirements. Some of us wont be bale to attend due to other goings on in our lives. Some grandchildren wont be able to attend due to travel exams childcare etc. That is life. You get on with it. If this was me in i would let my husband go, I would also invite my mother in law for a small tea party t my house so i could celebrate with her. You never know she might appreciate you reaching out and doing that for her

It can be hard to create ‘sustainable long term plans’ with special needs children. My autistic child cannot be put to bed by anyone else. No one else can cope with it. Is it a ‘sustainable long term plan’? No. Is it something that we have to put up with as we have a disabled child? Yes.

Why? It's one meal, one night. Can't the OP look after both her children this time so her husband can go to his parent's birthday dinner? It doesn't take two of them and the parent will want their child there.