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Original poster

Been off sick with depression for 9 months, will colleagues think I’m taking the piss if I take the kids to a theme park

323 replies

chinateapot · 22/01/2023 17:49

Just as the title says really. My mum died, lots of issues from that, I couldn’t cope, got a diagnosis of depression and off work since now on half pay. (Civil service so great sick pay )
i want to do something nice for my kids because this is all horrid for them too but wjll my colleagues think I’m lying about needing to be off work ?

OP posts:
Swimmingpoolsally · 22/01/2023 22:58

I couldn’t cope, got a diagnosis of depression and off work since now on half pay. (Civil service so great sick pay

I think maybe this is written badly. The money really should not make the head line in such a positive way .don’t get me wrong, it’s fab you think it’s great, but the it’s great money and I want to take the kids to a theme park doesn’t maybe relay the seriousness of your issues.

I hope you start to recover soon and I’m sorry for your loss.

WFHbore2023 · 22/01/2023 22:58

serenghetti2011 · 22/01/2023 22:52

If they do judge they just have to hope they never suffer a bereavement and struggle or become unwell enough to require extensive time off.

it’s not fun or nice being off or feeling like you’re being talked about and judged. Life does go on, and part of getting better is going on and doing things you would have done normally but that doesn’t mean you’re fit for work. I still had to take the kids to school and pick them up etc all the things I did before - single parent whilst also struggling on half pay I was shielding for a period of time too. It took me quite some time to just get back to normal and be well enough mentally and physically to go back to work and face people who probably thought I was ‘taking the piss’ but no one would have wanted to have gone through what I did in the preceding months so I think people should think themselves lucky for their health and ability to be at work & try to support others coming back to work, it’s hard!!

I've suffered the same bereavement as the OP, am I allowed to judge? 🙄

serenghetti2011 · 22/01/2023 23:01

why rolling the eyes???
, no one should judge how someone else copes with something like bereavement, think you’ve missed the point of my post entirely. Being off sick is rubbish no matter the reason and no one wants it, or needs it or can afford it.

Swimmingpoolsally · 22/01/2023 23:02

serenghetti2011 · 22/01/2023 23:01

why rolling the eyes???
, no one should judge how someone else copes with something like bereavement, think you’ve missed the point of my post entirely. Being off sick is rubbish no matter the reason and no one wants it, or needs it or can afford it.

That’s very naive.

serenghetti2011 · 22/01/2023 23:03

I said no one SHOULD not that they don’t judge? I’m not naive in the slightest but you do you

MissTrip82 · 22/01/2023 23:04

I expect the people who will judge are already doing so. There’s little point in denying your kids this treat in that case.

I’ve never worked with anyone who’s had nine months off, I assume it’s very unusual.

WFHbore2023 · 22/01/2023 23:05

serenghetti2011 · 22/01/2023 23:01

why rolling the eyes???
, no one should judge how someone else copes with something like bereavement, think you’ve missed the point of my post entirely. Being off sick is rubbish no matter the reason and no one wants it, or needs it or can afford it.

The rolling of the eyes is because of course everyone is going to experience bereavement, and everyone will struggle. I still do to this day.

But I would still be thoroughly pissed off i was the OP's colleague

XenoBitch · 22/01/2023 23:08

WFHbore2023 · 22/01/2023 23:05

The rolling of the eyes is because of course everyone is going to experience bereavement, and everyone will struggle. I still do to this day.

But I would still be thoroughly pissed off i was the OP's colleague

Show quote history

OP was also hospitalised as a result of her depression. That is not a normal reaction to bereavement. To be off for 9 months means she has been very unwell.

2023username · 22/01/2023 23:09

Is this normal in the public sector? I’m quite shocked, 9 months is a long long time for tax payers to fund. And your colleagues have to cover for you in the meantime. Which isn’t great for their health. I work in the private sector and we get one day’s bereavement leave. Sick pay reverts to SSP quite quickly. However it’s often the case that getting back to normal is a healthy distraction. If you don’t think you can go back anytime soon, would you consider resigning so that a replacement can be hired to relieve your colleagues? Would you be entitled to any benefits? I hope you feel better soon.

WFHbore2023 · 22/01/2023 23:11

@XenoBitch yes, I read the thread.

My comment regarding everyone experiencing bereavement was in response to another poster, who said those who judge should hope they don't experience the loss of a loved one.

claretblue79 · 22/01/2023 23:15

In all honesty OP, I'm not sure that posting here will be great for your mental health. Whether people do or don't judge isn't going to make you feel any better. I would seek support from somewhere like Samaritans or Mind. You don't need to feel judged, you need help to feel better. I really do wish you well. You're important and deserve to feel happier

YourGazeHitsTheSideOfMyFace · 22/01/2023 23:16

2023username · 22/01/2023 23:09

Is this normal in the public sector? I’m quite shocked, 9 months is a long long time for tax payers to fund. And your colleagues have to cover for you in the meantime. Which isn’t great for their health. I work in the private sector and we get one day’s bereavement leave. Sick pay reverts to SSP quite quickly. However it’s often the case that getting back to normal is a healthy distraction. If you don’t think you can go back anytime soon, would you consider resigning so that a replacement can be hired to relieve your colleagues? Would you be entitled to any benefits? I hope you feel better soon.

Many public sector organisations carry out very specific and specialised functions where knowledge and experience are key, and it’s cheaper to support someone like me through a period of sick leave, even if extended, than it is to lose my 25 years of experience in a role.

Any good employer will balance up the short term costs of an employee being away during a period of illness against the loss they would face if they left, and the costs of recruiting and training a replacement.

One day’s bereavement leave is barbaric, by the way, and would mean you would have to choose between organising a funeral and attending it. I would never work anywhere that valued people so little.

youshouldnthaveasked · 22/01/2023 23:16

I’d go, and not feel guilty about it.

Will they judge? Probably. Is it any of their fucking business, nope

ilovesooty · 22/01/2023 23:17

I8toys · 22/01/2023 18:39

Honestly I probably would - 9 months is a long time. Have you attempted to get back into the workplace at all - even had a discussion?

If she has or hasn't it's none of her colleagues ' business.

Cococrab · 22/01/2023 23:18

You know that saying your employer will post the advert for your job before your obituary is posted? This is your life and your recovery. You've suffered a bereavement and you're going through treatment for depression. This isn't the Victorian era. We don't shut away people who are suffering with their mental health. You're a civil servant which means your employer is the government and they should bloody well be able to fairly redistribute your workload fairly so as not to cause resentment!

Look after yourself, take your kids to a theme park. Find joy where you can and when you're ready to go back to work hold your head high knowing you've done your best to look after yourself and your children. Sod anyone else!

Dontknownow86 · 22/01/2023 23:27

Who cares if they do op? If so they need to get a life.

I don't understand this mentality at all. If they are wanting you to get better so you can come back to work, you should be out doing things that will help you to feel better surely??

Sitting indoors not going anywhere is only going to keep you stuck in the same place.

MrsAvocet · 22/01/2023 23:42

Have people missed the OP's update where she mentioned the treatment she's been having, including the fact that she has been in hospital?
Some posters are talking as if the OP has had 9 months of compassionate leave. She hasn't. She has been sufficiently mentally unwell to require inpatient care which given the current state of mental health services suggests to me that she has been very unwell. It's virtually impossible to get admitted in my part of the country. I have a friend who has been desperately unwell for months and is still being seen as an outpatient. It might be better elsewhere but I doubt anyone gets admitted without good reason.
No, we don't all get depressed and need sick leave after a bereavement - I was back at work before my Mum was buried. That's not what I would have chosen ideally, but there was a delay, and as I wasn't sick I didn't take sick leave. But that doesn't mean that other people don't need it. Just like physical illnesses, mental illness and responses to stressful life events vary hugely. DH and I both had Covid at the same time. He was in Critical Care but I felt like I'd got a really bad cold and was fine in a week. That doesn't make me superior to him, or mean that his illness was fake any more than other people's bereavement reactions being different to the OP's reflects badly on her.
I am sure that her employer has a sickness absence policy that is being followed but the only people that are entitled to know the details are the OP, her manager and her Occ Health department. She is under no obligation to justify her absence to her colleagues.

DdraigGoch · 22/01/2023 23:49

XenoBitch · 22/01/2023 18:01

Does it matter if someone is well liked or not?
Fucking work place politics.... if someone is off sick, they are off sick. It is not down the to opinion of their colleagues.

Show quote history

Well when a notorious piss-taker (to the extent that he's nicknamed "me-me" because favours always seem to go one way) is seen playing golf while off work with a "bad back", he's obviously going to get less sympathy than someone with a good reputation who isn't obviously swinging the lead.

caringcarer · 22/01/2023 23:52

I get that you can't stay in everyday never going out as you won't get better. I can also see colleagues view. Are they expected to pick up the slack and do your work as well as their own for 9 months? My dh had to do loads of extra work for no extra pay when a colleague was off with stress. It put stress on all other team members for 6 months. I think he would have been annoyed if he found out they were having fun at a theme park whilst he and 2 other colleagues were having to do lots of extra work including working over occasional weekend to meet deadlines so could not go to theme parks themselves as no free time. If you are feeling well enough for theme parks could you not go back to work, or will you wait until 12 months when your salary stops, then suddenly feel well enough to go back?

Spookysparkles · 22/01/2023 23:53

Sorry but yes I would. If your going to go then make sure nothing is on social media about it. It’s the Facebook and insta posts that make things like this so so so much worse

caringcarer · 23/01/2023 00:00

One of my teaching colleagues lost a 4 year old child and took 3 1/2 months off then came back half days for two weeks before returning full time. We were all amazed she came back so soon but she said when she was at home on her own it made it worse.

Cococrab · 23/01/2023 00:02

caringcarer · 22/01/2023 23:52

I get that you can't stay in everyday never going out as you won't get better. I can also see colleagues view. Are they expected to pick up the slack and do your work as well as their own for 9 months? My dh had to do loads of extra work for no extra pay when a colleague was off with stress. It put stress on all other team members for 6 months. I think he would have been annoyed if he found out they were having fun at a theme park whilst he and 2 other colleagues were having to do lots of extra work including working over occasional weekend to meet deadlines so could not go to theme parks themselves as no free time. If you are feeling well enough for theme parks could you not go back to work, or will you wait until 12 months when your salary stops, then suddenly feel well enough to go back?

That's your DH's employers fault not the person whose off with stress. The employer putting all that burden onto your DH without any reimbursement is on them. Probably some clues there why his colleague was off with stress...And your last line is just needlessly judgemental and snarky. Especially with OPs circumstances. You might want to rethink your username 👀

XenoBitch · 23/01/2023 00:03

caringcarer · 22/01/2023 23:52

I get that you can't stay in everyday never going out as you won't get better. I can also see colleagues view. Are they expected to pick up the slack and do your work as well as their own for 9 months? My dh had to do loads of extra work for no extra pay when a colleague was off with stress. It put stress on all other team members for 6 months. I think he would have been annoyed if he found out they were having fun at a theme park whilst he and 2 other colleagues were having to do lots of extra work including working over occasional weekend to meet deadlines so could not go to theme parks themselves as no free time. If you are feeling well enough for theme parks could you not go back to work, or will you wait until 12 months when your salary stops, then suddenly feel well enough to go back?

OP's colleagues picking up the slack is not her problem. That is a management issue.
OP was also "having fun" as an inpatient in hospital.
Going to a theme park does not mean OP is fit for work unless she actually works in a theme park.

madeyemoody · 23/01/2023 00:12

I would judge tbh, can't fathom the amount of money you must make that you are on half sick pay and can take your kids to a theme park. What theme park exactly, can't think of any in the UK open at the moment.

Sounds like you've gotten so used to being paid to be at home that your in no rush to recover, which if you can afford such an expense as a theme park trip then no wonder. 9 months for bereavement is excessive in my opinion it can't be healthy to remain detached from real life for so long.

Autumn54 · 23/01/2023 00:16

It's not like you're off with a bad back then flying about on rollarcoasters. Doing something nice either the family can help with your depression. Although you're off sick staying home for so long can make it worse in my experience, as the longer I left it the more daunting it became, making me feel more depressed and anxious. Go have a nice time with your children. Xx