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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid - destination wedding

57 replies

Jellybean120 · 22/01/2023 12:19

Close friend has asked me to be BM for her wedding next May. I said yes...she had planned the wedding to be in her home county. They have now decided to have a DW in Italy, no children allowed - they have no kids.

I've initially said OK...and that I will figure it out but the more I think about it I don't want to go without my 10 year old, we can't really afford it and would have to forfeit a family holiday with son to go. Also where we live there are no direct flights so we would have to change in France or travel 4 hours to an airport for a direct flight.

I feel so crappy as I'm meant to be BM but I just think DW are such a big ask for some people. (Couple earn about £120k combined where as our annual income combined is less than half theirs).

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 22/01/2023 12:23

Just tell her. If she’s a good friend she will understand. If she doesnt, then she’s kind of stupid.

RayaRyder · 22/01/2023 12:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BusyMum47 · 22/01/2023 12:26

Poppyblush · 22/01/2023 12:23

Just tell her. If she’s a good friend she will understand. If she doesnt, then she’s kind of stupid.

This! ⬆️

underneaththeash · 22/01/2023 12:26

Just say that you’ve costed it up and it’s just not affordable.

3peassuit · 22/01/2023 12:27

Tell her you can’t afford it. A friend would understand. If people pick a destination wedding, they must do it in the knowledge that through cost, childcare or other considerations alit of people will be unable to attend.

BusyMum47 · 22/01/2023 12:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

And this!⬆️

People can get married where/how they like but they can't expect others to make huge sacrifices which affect their entire family & have a seriously detrimental effect on their finances!
Simple as.
Politely decline/explain & if she has an issue with it, then that tells you she's not a real friend. Don't feel guilty!!

YouScrewMeIScrewYouBack · 22/01/2023 12:29

There's no need to put them down for 1. earning £120k 2. Having no children. You don't need to take swipes at their personal circumstances which have no bearing on why you can't go to the wedding.

Explain to your friend your circumstances. You can either ask if your child can attend and pay the costs or you simply cannot go.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/01/2023 12:31

Tell her now

You can't afford it as a wedding away and means you can't go away with your family

She will either understand and say no worries

Moan at you and you a lose a friend

She offers to pay

Original poster
Jellybean120 · 22/01/2023 12:34

I'm not having a swipe...I'm just explaining our financial and family situations ate very different they perhaps don't realise how much of a strain it would be on us.

I'm asking for opinions and don't think I'm being unkind...It would be nice if people like you could also be a bit kinder

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 22/01/2023 12:35

Just say what you said to us but do it now!

Original poster
Jellybean120 · 22/01/2023 12:37

Poppyblush · 22/01/2023 12:35

Just say what you said to us but do it now!

I know I just need do it. Just feel rubbish.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 22/01/2023 12:38

Jellybean120 · 22/01/2023 12:37

I know I just need do it. Just feel rubbish.

Thanks all.

Show quote history

Try not to feel rubbish OP. People who are well or comfortably off need to understand that other people may not be. It's not your fault and you are making the right decision for you and your son, it's a good decision. Best of luck!

PrinceHaz · 22/01/2023 12:39

She changed it to a destination wedding after asking you. This means you agreed to different circumstances, not these.
I would just kindly tell her that you’re so sorry but you won’t be able to attend or be bridesmaid. Meet up with her to tell her so things don’t get lost in translation. If she hates you forever, then she’s no friend.

toomuchlaundry · 22/01/2023 12:42

If she desperately wants you there she can pay for you to attend

PrinceHaz · 22/01/2023 12:42

When she made the change, did she check whether this would work for everyone, or just tell you.
if she did just tell you, the entitlement is staggering.

Ponoka7 · 22/01/2023 12:44

My DD is topped up by UC and did manage to be a bridesmaid for her closest friend. But it was in Greece and a package holiday was available. I had her children. The sacrifice was really appreciated by her friend. Your traveling is is a little bit more tricky and leaving your DS seems to be an issue. So explain that to her, but tell her asap, today if possible. I never realised that dress trying on needed to be booked in and sometimes there's a fee. It just stops her planning parts that won't happen.

XanaduKira · 22/01/2023 12:45

Just be honest Op. If she's a true friend, she'll understand.

LadyWithLapdog · 22/01/2023 12:52

Is it this May or next year? Tell her quickly either way. It’s such an imposition and self important to assume people will spend tons of money and time off work/out of their annual leave to stroke your ego with a DW abroad.

But I suppose I’m behind the times. The only DW I know of was a very close friend who got married in USA as didn’t tell anyone till they returned.

Emmamoo89 · 22/01/2023 12:54

She'll understand if she's a true friend. Try not to worry x

ThomasinaLivesHere · 22/01/2023 12:58

Don’t delay as best to let her know asap. Don’t feel bad.

Cocobutt · 22/01/2023 13:22

Destination weddings mean that loved ones may not be able to attend and if she truly is your friend she should understand that.

My friend did fall out with me as I was unable to afford her destination wedding as a single parent on one income.
It was upsetting as it was a 20 year friend but it made me realise how selfish she is.

Justmuddlingalong · 22/01/2023 13:29

Tell her now. That's plenty of notice for her to ask someone else who knows the whole expense expected from the get go. Don't feel bad, they changed the goalposts and you've realised that it's not feasible.

Lcb123 · 22/01/2023 13:32

Tell her soon, and explain clearly. If it’s her home country then I am sympathetic to her wanting her wedding there but she needs to understand the implications.

miniaturepixieonacid · 22/01/2023 13:52

Is her home country different to where you all live now? (Ie was it always an abroad wedding but is now a destination wedding for no reason?) Either way YANBU but I would find it harder tp say no if I'd already agreed to a wedding abroad.

If I was getting married in another country, for any reason, I would only do it if I could afford to cover the costs for people who were vital to me (close family and bridesmaids). And even then I'd accept that money might not be the only consideration and that it could still be impossible for them.

Dee00 · 22/01/2023 14:00

Could you consider combining her wedding destination as your main family holiday next year. Go with your family and they will have your son for the day? And enjoy a week or 2 in Italy, it’s such a beautiful place.
she must be a really good friend if she has asked you to be her bridesmaid, so I would definitely consider it.
otherwise just be honest with her, tell her the truth as soon as possible, even if you just give her a heads up that it’s a worry for you for now but you will look into options.
Don’t stress yourself about it though.