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Original poster

Bridesmaid - destination wedding

57 replies

Jellybean120 · 22/01/2023 12:19

Close friend has asked me to be BM for her wedding next May. I said yes...she had planned the wedding to be in her home county. They have now decided to have a DW in Italy, no children allowed - they have no kids.

I've initially said OK...and that I will figure it out but the more I think about it I don't want to go without my 10 year old, we can't really afford it and would have to forfeit a family holiday with son to go. Also where we live there are no direct flights so we would have to change in France or travel 4 hours to an airport for a direct flight.

I feel so crappy as I'm meant to be BM but I just think DW are such a big ask for some people. (Couple earn about £120k combined where as our annual income combined is less than half theirs).

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybean120 · 22/01/2023 14:04

Dee00 · 22/01/2023 14:00

Could you consider combining her wedding destination as your main family holiday next year. Go with your family and they will have your son for the day? And enjoy a week or 2 in Italy, it’s such a beautiful place.
she must be a really good friend if she has asked you to be her bridesmaid, so I would definitely consider it.
otherwise just be honest with her, tell her the truth as soon as possible, even if you just give her a heads up that it’s a worry for you for now but you will look into options.
Don’t stress yourself about it though.

No children are allowed...if my son was coming I would make it our family holiday Nd definitely go.

OP posts:
IhearyouClemFandango · 22/01/2023 14:06

But they could all be at your holiday destination and you nip off for a day for the wedding?

Original poster
Jellybean120 · 22/01/2023 14:07

Lcb123 · 22/01/2023 13:32

Tell her soon, and explain clearly. If it’s her home country then I am sympathetic to her wanting her wedding there but she needs to understand the implications.

Not her home country. Her and finance live in UK and plan was getting married in their county of yorkshire but have decided they now want Italy instead.

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 22/01/2023 14:07

I think the pp meant can you leave you son with family for the day. When is it she changed her mind?

Original poster
Jellybean120 · 22/01/2023 14:08

IhearyouClemFandango · 22/01/2023 14:06

But they could all be at your holiday destination and you nip off for a day for the wedding?

Hmm possibly!

OP posts:
skippy67 · 22/01/2023 14:08

So just say no, for the reasons you've stated here.

IhearyouClemFandango · 22/01/2023 14:12

But if you don't want to/can't, then that's not unreasonable either.

Ihatethenewlook · 22/01/2023 14:16

IhearyouClemFandango · 22/01/2023 14:12

But if you don't want to/can't, then that's not unreasonable either.

I’m getting the impression that the op just doesn’t want to go. Which is absolutely fine. Why can’t people just go to the local church anymore?

SmudgeButt · 22/01/2023 14:23

I know I'm completely out of touch on all sorts of things but if she wants you as a BM then she should be footing the costs. I mean, wouldn't she pay for your BM dress? Sorry if I sound like a complete idiot but I've never been a BM, have only been married once and only had a maid of honour who had a lovely dress already so nothing was required to be purchased.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/01/2023 14:31

They'll be just as married with or without you. Just tell her factuality you have neither the money nor the annual leave.

DuplicateUserName · 22/01/2023 14:37

Anyone who wants another person to fly to another country to do them a favour, should pay for it.

I can't believe the B&G expect the bridesmaids and presumably the best man, to foot the bill.

Nodancingshoes · 22/01/2023 14:39

My and dh got married in Italy. It was in a town easily asscessible by easyjet and suitable for both weekend stays and full on holidays. I think if you have a destination wedding you need to think about how people will get there and make it as simple as possible!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 22/01/2023 14:41

She changed it to a destination wedding after asking you. This means you agreed to different circumstances, not these.

Exactly. Had you agreed to be a bridesmaid at a destination wedding from day one and were now umming and aahing, then yes, that would be unfair of you. But you didn’t - so essentially the bride needs to ask all over again. You can’t be expected to stick to a “yes” when you’d said yes to something completely different.

Summerlark · 22/01/2023 14:53

It said home county, not home country!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/01/2023 14:56

If it helps OP I had a destination wedding and when I asked people to come it was a complete no obligation and I did not expect people to come at all, only if they fancied a holiday in that place, and was not at all offended or put out by those who said no, and accepted it might just be me and my husband. Not everyone is a bridezilla

Apollonia1 · 22/01/2023 15:08

If you made it your family holiday, would it be just you and your son going?
Or would you have someone to leave him with, while you spend the day at the wedding?

Or is it a type of 3-day wedding, with a pre-party and lunch the next day, so that you wouldn't see your don for 3 days?

Salacia · 22/01/2023 15:22

I’d double check the transport plans - the trains in Italy are actually pretty decent and easy to navigate. I’ve had a couple of friends recently who have flown some bizarre routes to Florence etc via France/Germany etc that have taken ages when they could have flown direct from their local airport to Pisa and got the train in half the time (and less hanging around in airports). It might be a simpler journey than you think (obviously don’t know where you’re going from/too).

That said I think you have to understand that if you’re having a wedding abroad it is a financial and logistical imposition on guests (especially if you throw in childcare issues on top). There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get married abroad but you need to understand that it might mean that you don’t have the guest list you want and you can’t get upset by that. I think you just need to have a heart to heart and explain that whilst the original wedding was fine this isn’t achievable for you. If they’re a good friend they should understand (and tbh I think they probably should have checked with the wedding party before booking if they absolutely couldn’t imagine getting married without you).

I had a friend have a similar wedding this year that I couldn’t make, I sent her an Italian cookbook as a gift and we went for a meal after she got back to celebrate. She never made me feel bad/complained/had any issue with the fact I couldn’t come. She completely got that it was a big ask of people and massively appreciated those who came with no hard feelings to those who didn’t.

StickofVeg · 22/01/2023 15:23

As the location and situation have changed I think it's fine to say you can't make it. Just tell her very soon so she hasn't prepared anything and if she wants another BM she can get one. I wouldn't want to forfeit a holiday with my DS either, nor is it working being short of cash just for a wedding. Just call her and tell her nicely - if she takes it ok she's a friend. If she doesn't she isn't worth it anyway!

leelan · 22/01/2023 15:30

I would simply say... you cannot go and leave your son behind and can't go abroad without him. Tell her going to the wedding would eat away at your family holiday finances and would mean that you wouldn't be able to get away as a family. Tell her you haven't got anyone to commit to looking after your son. Basically give her no choice but to say your son can come. If he's not allowed then you can go... simples!

leelan · 22/01/2023 15:31

Cant* go!!

Kitkatcatflap · 22/01/2023 15:42

She changed the location, this is your get out clause. You look into it - costed it and as much as you loved to have been there your circumstances are difference to her and you will have to decline.

Wonnle · 22/01/2023 16:11

Jellybean120 · 22/01/2023 14:07

Not her home country. Her and finance live in UK and plan was getting married in their county of yorkshire but have decided they now want Italy instead.

Show quote history

Leave them to it then !

Bit more costly getting to Italy than Yorkshire if you are based in the UK

ExtraOnions · 22/01/2023 16:16

If you have a destination wedding, and specify “no children”, you have accept that a number of people won’t be able to attend. The B&G can put in any caveats they like, as it’s their day… and need to accept that the ability to attend is nothing to do with how much they like them, it’s just practicalities

LottoLaura · 22/01/2023 16:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

But it’s not a case of ‘most’

Ive never been to a DW that didn’t have at least 90%+ attendance rates.

Not everyone is a miserable MNer

LadyHarmby · 22/01/2023 16:32

I think look into making it your family holiday. Do it as cheap as possible (road trip? Train?) and you just pop off to the wedding on your own on the day.

Even if it’s not possible, the fact you looked into it shows her you tried to make it work.

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