Slightly miffed at In-Laws buying us food.

[Christmasbeach]

MIL has always bought DP and his brother food since they both moved out. BIL stopped MIL years ago (apart from when she offers him steak/high end meat) but DP still accepts the occasional bag when she's insistent. DP does try to reject these bags but sometimes she'll sneak them into his back seat etc.

I joke with DP that she's playing ready steady cook with us as it's always bizarre items that she's found a good deal on. Usually it's a bag of biscuits/cakes/bread/microwavable rice/crisps with the occasional newly released burgers/seasoned meat. I've always found it slightly bizarre that two men in their thirties are treated like uni students but i've heard that other mums do the same. A lot of the bag of food is cupboard things that DP usually just takes to work for a free home if he's not interested in and if we're given meat he'll have it for lunch.

Now the bit i'm feeling a bit miffed at, if not slightly offended, is that since we've announced that we're pregnant she's been sending food for us both. By that we've received a lot more meat/things for meals but it's all asda essentials. Asda essential sausages, chicken thighs (the original packaging was damaged therefore she put them in a freezer bag for us), wafer ham, ready made mash potato etc.

She quite often makes digs that i'm too much of a health freak (because i've ordered pasta/vegetarian meals out) and 'she ate everything while pregnant'. She knows that I do care what goes into my body, I'm not a huge meat eater and I enjoy cooking. We really do not need hand outs as we're both on good salaries and buying us all this Asda Essentials has only came about after we've announced we're pregnant.

It's also very inconvenient too as we meal plan/do the weekly shop therefore we're either left eating a meal we don't particularly want to eat or unfortunately it goes to waste. I have tried being polite to MIL that either we don't have room in our fridge/freezer or we're not going straight home/there isn't any need as we do our own shops.

MIL has now made a comment to DP that i'm not appreciative. AIBU that as a pregnant professional I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the lowest end chicken thighs in a non labelled freezer bag that needed to be eaten that day?

😁

You don’t sound ungrateful or spoilt to me. The onus is on the gift giver to make sure their gifts are wanted and needed and to not force unwanted things on people! Most of my previous boyfriends have had family members give them food like this well into their adulthood but they would always ask ahead of the shop what we wanted/needed. Which is helpful and considerate.

You should tell her so that she understands, that the food she is giving you is really not needed. It is a shame if the food is going to waste. Does she not see that you would not want to eat the value range? She must have some idea about the quality of food that you would normally buy.

It's like it's not for you, it's for baby; her Grandchild.

You need to knock this on the head or it will get worse when baby is born.

If you don't, you are heading for an almighty showdown in a few years. Believe me.

What stops you thanking her for her generosity and disposing of it some other way. She isn't going to know, you don't have to eat it and you both get the glow of doing something nice for the other.

A food bank won't take unprocessed fridge food - especially not unlabeled chicken thighs.

Food banks don't want fresh food that needs to be refrigerated, especially when it comes without its original packaging and might not be safe! Even if they did, OP is in a full-time job and is pregnant. Why and how should she make time to get to the food bank to hand it over?

MIL is being weird. OP's partner needs to have a frank talk with her. They appreciate she's being kind but it would be better to save her money and buy something for the baby. If she's worried that OP needs to eat meat for her health and the baby's, she could be pointed to NHS advice on diet for pregnant women, and reassured that OP's iron levels are fine.

Ask your BIL what was his technique for stopping his mother doing this, then insist that your DH copy him.

I can’t imagine any food bank would be willing to accept chicken thighs out of original packaging. Try posting stuff on olio, someone comes round and picks up unwanted food. I’m a big fan.

Because that takes time. A food bank isn't going accept a freezer bag of chicken thighs either.

I don't think I'd be feeling offended in your shoes, OP. But I would be feeling a little annoyed, after all, you've already tried to politely decline. Of course you're not going to be appreciative of someone foisting anything on to you.

I think you need to have a more direct conversation with her, or at least your partner does. Tell her that it's so lovely that she wants to look after you both, and whilst you really appreciate the thought, the practicality of having to sort the food out is actually just a bit stressful. You both work, so you have to be organised, and that means meal planning and shopping ahead. Having to work in a selection of random food throws off your plans, and makes things hard work.

If possible, I would also try to direct her efforts elsewhere. Knitted cardigans for the baby perhaps? Or does she bake?

That's why he needs more free chicken than usual.

Say something

The OP is pregnant, why should she have to be running round to food banks or otherwise disposing of it to make her MIL feel better when she’s already told her she doesn’t want the food? This is the MIL’s problem! It shouldn’t be that hard to comprehend what she’s being told.

When your refer to her as MIL and not married I assume you've been with your dp a long time. If so, why has she only started including you in the food packages since you became pregnant? I'd be more offended by that tbf

And here's another one. Do you know anything about how food banks work? They are generally only open once a week and there would be nobody there in between times to take delivery of donations. Some may have fridge and freezer space, many won't. And as stated above, why would they want a random package of chicken thighs that they can't be certain are still in date as their original packaging is damaged and gone?

Is there a particular reason being pregnant makes it hard to throw stuff in the bin?

Yeah that would do my head in op, O had a family member insist on donating me all her baby clothes and everyone elses as 'she wouldn't put her baby in second hand clothes' i kept telling her I didn"t need them it's just more stuff to get rid of and why should the op have to keep making trips to the food bank when she shouldn't have to or set up Olio accounts it's just adding inconvenience

MIL does this with random stuff. Second hand ballet shoes for DD1 is the wrong size and she doesn’t do even do ballet, she does lots of other clubs of her choice. You need to get DH to say that WE have already meal planned and shopped for the week so it will be wasted and refused/return the food every time.

Don't be offended. She's just being a mama bear.

But I get why it's inconvenient and annoying.

DH needs to have a proper discussion with her about this.

She's just showing her love for you all - but in a way that, unfortunately, gets your back up and the food doesn't fit in with your values.

I agree with the idea of accepting it but putting it on olio or donating to a food bank if you don't want it.

This.

Asda Essentials - shock horror 🙄

My mil often does this with stuff she's bought on line or in a charity shop. Think random Tupperware or other kitchen stuff, packet sauces etc. I always smile nicely and thank her. Then rehouse if I can.