Page 9 | To not want my in-laws to know when I go into labour

PenguinX · 2023-01-21T21:29:46+00:00

I am due to have my first baby next month, my PIL said today they want my husband to let them know when I go into labour. This makes me very uncomfortable but my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous. My mum will need to be informed when I go to hospital because we need someone to come to our house to feed our pets but for some reason I'm not happy about anyone else knowing. Am I being unreasonable thinking like this?

DaveyJonesLocker · 22/01/2023 09:05

My mum still moans that when my sister was in a difficult and scary labour that her DH didn't give her enough updates and they didn't know what was happening. While he was supporting his wife through a difficult labour. She and her H were texting and calling because he wouldn't answer.
And when mine was born we sent a text saying baby here safe, v. Tired, well contact when we're able. MIL proceeded to attempt to video call repeatedly until I turned both phones off.
If I did it again I wouldn't tell anybody until baby was here and I was well rested.

StarsSand · 22/01/2023 09:09

ittakes2 · 22/01/2023 09:04

It's very simple - surely your pets won't need feeding by your mum the moment you go into hospital - tell both sets of parents a few hours before your mum needs to attend to the pets.
I don't get on with my m'n'law infact because I was ill during birth both my hubby and m'n'law held my son before me! She's been dreadful over the years and we ae low contact. But you are going to have to get your head around this baby is not just your's - its also your husband. No one expects you to want your parent's'law at the hospital - but messaging them after the birth is a clear sign you don't like them.

It's a clear sign she wanted privacy and space while undergoing a very personal and intense medical event.

Any in laws who get their knickers in a twist about not getting a blow by blow on the process of labour when they could be focusing on the new baby instead is an arsehole.

OP if your in laws choose that moment to be negative and make it about them, then you've made the right decision.

Ursula82 · 22/01/2023 09:11

I can’t understand why people can’t just…. Turn their phones off!!

We told family and close friends

and then DH and I said we were turning off phones and would update as soon as news.

And we did.

it would seem that many of you just couldn’t bring yourself to turn off your bloomin phones

patsshopping · 22/01/2023 09:22

SleepingStandingUp, thank you very much. I am very pleased and grateful to be able to say that my baby is now an enormous thirteen year old. He was very unwell for a while, but he able to have corrective surgeries.

StarsSand · 22/01/2023 09:33

Ursula82 · 22/01/2023 09:11

I can’t understand why people can’t just…. Turn their phones off!!

We told family and close friends

and then DH and I said we were turning off phones and would update as soon as news.

And we did.

it would seem that many of you just couldn’t bring yourself to turn off your bloomin phones

I was using my phone to take pictures of my new baby personally. I also wanted it on because I was away from my older child for the first time and was receiving photos and updates about them.

Also turning your phone off doesn't stop people from showing up at the hospital when you don't answer.

Ursula82 · 22/01/2023 09:35

StarsSand · 22/01/2023 09:33

I was using my phone to take pictures of my new baby personally. I also wanted it on because I was away from my older child for the first time and was receiving photos and updates about them.

Also turning your phone off doesn't stop people from showing up at the hospital when you don't answer.

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Yes but this is labour. I wanted my phone to take photos of my new baby but during labour my dh and i just focussed on me.

StarsSand · 22/01/2023 09:37

@Ursula82 oh I see. I had c-sections so it all happened pretty quickly for us.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2023 09:37

patsshopping · 22/01/2023 09:22

SleepingStandingUp, thank you very much. I am very pleased and grateful to be able to say that my baby is now an enormous thirteen year old. He was very unwell for a while, but he able to have corrective surgeries.

I'm so happy for you 😍 I had the day 1 christening, gathering all our friends together for my first born.
Currently 7. 5 and dressed as Sonic.

Honestly, I don't know how these kids do it but I'm grateful.

Parkopedia · 22/01/2023 09:38

Just don't tell them. There's nothing they can do after the fact.

If you tell them and then it's a long drawn out labour they'll be pestering for updates which is annoying for you/DP and will cause unnecessary worry for them.

I didn't tell anyone at all and it's a good thing because the labour was almost 24hours and they wouldn't have got an update in that time and would have been beside themselves with worry.

Instead they just got the good news that baby is here without the long wait, which they can't be involved in anyway.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2023 09:40

LCforlife · 22/01/2023 08:44

@SleepingStandingUp it's very much a process where dad is involved if they both want that but that doesn't mean his mum and dad, his sisters etc also need to be kept in the loop.

As for the whole 'it's not fair that she knows and we don't'. That's pathetic and people need to nip that in the bud right off because that gets wearing and annoying really quickly!

If it involves them both, then they both have a right to want to tell immediate family. If its nothing to do with him, she can make all the unilateral decisions. Of course that comes with a caveat about "MIL has form for X" but OP hasn't said that, just that she doesn't want him to tell his parents and only her Mom can know.

Ursula82 · 22/01/2023 09:45

Some of those posts make me so happy and appreciative of my wonderful family and close friends

Cuppasoupmonster · 22/01/2023 09:46

Ursula82 · 22/01/2023 09:45

Some of those posts make me so happy and appreciative of my wonderful family and close friends

Awwww good ❤️

Confusion101 · 22/01/2023 09:51

@PenguinX
In an ideal world your labour will be quick and easy, so you will get away without telling anyone but in reality it could to on for a long time, on which case people will naturally find out.

I don't want all my husband's relatives messaging or putting anything on social media until I have baby in my arms.

I would focus on this and have it discussed beforehand that if you do go into labour you want it to be kept within the immediate family until the baby has been born and you give the go ahead to share the news. Would they actually put on social media that you've gone into labour? Weird!

LCforlife · 22/01/2023 09:54

Ursula82 · 22/01/2023 08:52

Way to take some joyous and positive and turn it in to something tense and dark OP!!

Actually, I think it's great that the OP is thinking about how she wants this to go and what she thinks she'll need to feel comfortable, relaxed and ready to have her baby.

Cuppasoupmonster · 22/01/2023 09:56

Telling family you’re in labour then turning your phone off is a terrible idea. If it’s family members without kids they’ll be taking their cues from Eastenders, thinking it’ll take a couple of hours and assuming the worst if it goes longer. It just results in them phoning and harassing the maternity ward.

pocketvenuss · 22/01/2023 10:05

Soontobe60 · 21/01/2023 21:35

Put it another way - you’re telling your DP that he cannot tell his own parents that his baby is about to be born.
What a great way to start a grandparent / grandchild relationship.

The one time the woman's opinion is law is when she is about to give birth. She dies this ALONE. No one is doing it with her. She alone gives birth and it is a huge thing physically, emotionally and spiritually and no 'it's his baby too' doesn't come into it.

user1471517095 · 22/01/2023 10:08

Isn't it your partners baby too? Surely he can tell his Mum and Dad.

Ursula82 · 22/01/2023 10:09

Cuppasoupmonster · 22/01/2023 09:56

Telling family you’re in labour then turning your phone off is a terrible idea. If it’s family members without kids they’ll be taking their cues from Eastenders, thinking it’ll take a couple of hours and assuming the worst if it goes longer. It just results in them phoning and harassing the maternity ward.

Depends on your family and friends

We have a wonderful family and very good close friends.

We sent a message saying labour started and we will update them when baby here. We said we were putting our phones away. And we did.

Not one rang the hospital! Not one blew up our phones (not that we would have known because our phones were off) and when we turned phones on…. Just a load of loving supportive messages.

Bigbadfish · 22/01/2023 10:16

user1471517095 · 22/01/2023 10:08

Isn't it your partners baby too? Surely he can tell his Mum and Dad.

It's not his labour. If he wants to see their child born he will follow her rules for her medical process.

Confusion101 · 22/01/2023 10:16

@Ursula82 we were the same. Only told immediate family but we didn't have one text looking for an update until we updated them ourselves

Chimna · 22/01/2023 10:18

Ursula82 · 22/01/2023 09:11

I can’t understand why people can’t just…. Turn their phones off!!

We told family and close friends

and then DH and I said we were turning off phones and would update as soon as news.

And we did.

it would seem that many of you just couldn’t bring yourself to turn off your bloomin phones

My Mum would find the phone number for labour ward and harrass them of I did not reply.

My MIL works at the hospital and would try to gain access to the Labour Ward.

Once born they would both be at the hospital expecting cuddles before I'd had a chance.

Sadly not everyone has boundaries and is able to act reasonably.

Ursula82 · 22/01/2023 10:20

Confusion101 · 22/01/2023 10:16

@Ursula82 we were the same. Only told immediate family but we didn't have one text looking for an update until we updated them ourselves

Don’t these threads make you feel appreciative of your family and friends?

Ursula82 · 22/01/2023 10:22

Chimna · 22/01/2023 10:18

My Mum would find the phone number for labour ward and harrass them of I did not reply.

My MIL works at the hospital and would try to gain access to the Labour Ward.

Once born they would both be at the hospital expecting cuddles before I'd had a chance.

Sadly not everyone has boundaries and is able to act reasonably.

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Awful.

Essentially… they don’t respect you and are deeply selfish.

How do people manage to have “close” relationships with people like this

ImAnExcavator · 22/01/2023 10:28

I told family when I went in for my first induction and the inlaws were constantly messaging my husband for updates even though he said he would tell them as soon as baby arrived. I put my foot down and said he was not allowed to say how dilated etc I was as that feels incredibly personal, but they kept messaging for updates.
Second DC my mum knew when I went in for the induction as she had my dog and sister had DC1. Best decision I made. My dad didn't know either so it was a need to know basis.
I wish I had kept it quiet first time round as it made things much more stressful.

Cuppasoupmonster · 22/01/2023 10:34

Chimna · 22/01/2023 10:18

My Mum would find the phone number for labour ward and harrass them of I did not reply.

My MIL works at the hospital and would try to gain access to the Labour Ward.

Once born they would both be at the hospital expecting cuddles before I'd had a chance.

Sadly not everyone has boundaries and is able to act reasonably.

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This. Until you have family like this you can’t really understand how anyone could be this unreasonable but they really can be, and years of dealing with them means you know exactly what they would do.