To not want my in-laws to know when I go into labour

[PenguinX]

I am due to have my first baby next month, my PIL said today they want my husband to let them know when I go into labour. This makes me very uncomfortable but my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous.
My mum will need to be informed when I go to hospital because we need someone to come to our house to feed our pets but for some reason I'm not happy about anyone else knowing.
Am I being unreasonable thinking like this?

No one needs to know unless you want them to (or need them to feed pets).

It's your labour. Your body. Yes the baby is shared with your husband but your labour is a profoundly personal, vulnerable and potentially risky experience. You need to be able to relax and you call the shots.

I really hope my kids don't have someone like you as an in law.
You'd have a shock if you did because you'd be put in your place within seconds.

Nobody is entitled to a woman's medical info.

How unnecessary.

OP is entitled to privacy.

I say that as a mother of sons.

I hope my future DILs feel comfortable enough to say how they want to be supported during birth, and know that her wishes be respected.

Ursula82 · Today 08:52
Way to take some joyous and positive and turn it in to something tense and dark OP!!

Maybe I’m just an unnatural mother but I thought the arrival of a healthy enough baby and survival of the mother was a joyous and positive event. I wasn’t aware I should be joyous and positive and sharing while sitting on bedpan for two hours in early established labour shitting stinking wiggly worms with every contraction that made ME gag, not to mention everyone else. Nor the moment DD2’s delivery became an emergency and she was born not breathing and suffered catastrophic brain injuries.

Neither set of prospective grandparents knew we were in labour, If they had known I’d have either worried about them worrying because labour took 36 hours, or had the stress of DH having to give them updates and/or respond to anxious messages.

Fortunately both in-laws and parents were rational adults and seemed to have no lasting damage or inability to relate to their grandchildren as a result of our selfishness.

Our decision wouldn’t be right for every expectant mother but it is her decision. I can’t imagine being so petty as to hold it against her. Or looking at my new grandchild and feeling only detached disappointment because I wasn’t aware their mother was in labour before we got the call announcing their birth 🙄

You just have to hope your own kids don't meet a partner like you in the future
I'd not expect my future daughter in law to make me a priority when she's in labour.
She needs to focus on herself, remaining relaxed and giving birth to the baby, and I wouldn't be the sort of in-law who would give my child and their spouse grief for choosing to share labour starting or not because I'm not uptight or selfish.

@bakewellbride

Your husband's views are irrelevant

Summary of Mumsnet, really

Also intrigued, as some others, by those who seem not to have realised that phones can be switched off, and updates given only when the person wishes.

Nobody with an ounce of humanity would. We didn’t tell my mum and she didn’t expect it.

YABU - they don't need to come in to the birthing suite/hospital with you, but it's their grandchild, and it's your DHs baby too.

By doing this, you'll create all sorts of problems further down the line. I'd have the good grace to send a text but ask to keep radio silence.

Put in my place??

OK..

I think YABU, he wants to tell his parents his baby is on its way. He's not inviting them to see the baby crowning!

It's an unusual stance but it's not ridiculous and your partners being unfair to 'dis' your feelings. You want this to remain personal and private and he should respect this. I'm presuming both sets of parents will be of the first to know.
Arguably you could ask why does anyone need to know you've gone into labour? Unless there's a practical reason (eg to take care of your pets) it serves no purpose other than to he emotionally connected.
I'm guessing you're anxious about childbirth. Ensure your husband truly understands this. Appeal to his protector nature and tell him "l'm scared babe and as my husband l need you to just do this one thing for me, even if you dont understand. Please say youre there for me."
Best wishes

Also your mom is so selfish not wanting to know.

Can you explain what’s selfish about that? Because I genuinely don’t understand.

Nobody with an ounce of humanity would. We didn’t tell my mum and she didn’t expect it.

Exactly! It's the level of expectation that's ridiculous.

I did tell my parents and my in laws because I wanted to. If I didn't want to and anyone was an arse about it I'd not be impressed.

But then all the DIL/MIL threads show there's a certain chunk of women who seem to think life is one big competition between them and their precious DH/baby boy, so like to look for offence and drama at all times.

No. She’s telling her DP that her medical information is private from his parents. He can tell them the baby is here when the baby is here; no need for them to have live action updates.

YANBU OP and DP doesn’t get to decide it’s ridiculous – it’s not his fanny.

YANBU. Of course they don’t need to know if you would rather they didn’t. It’s your birth, your body, and your medical treatment as you are heading in to hospital. If your partner can’t see that then that is a shame. I wonder if he ever needs any intimate surgery (vasectomy perhaps?) that you should insist you let your mum know when it’s about to happen? He probably would be in favour of his own medical privacy then.

Genuinely though why do so many posters think wider family need to know when a relative goes into labour? What’s the point? Announce the baby’s arrival ASAP absolutely, but I find the labour thing really odd. I can only assume they want to ‘share the excitement’ but in most cases it drags on for hours and is quite an anxious wait.

I recall I received a group text from a cousin, who I saw perhaps a couple of times a year at family events, about her daughter having gone in to labour.

I read, deleted and literally gave no thought whatsoever. Aside from wanting any mother labouring and baby born to be safe and well… I really couldn’t have given a flying fig!

Haha, spot on.

So if you go into labour at 9am, have a quick and uncomplicated delivery, your dh will be home to sort the pets in the evening. So theoretically you don't need to tell your mum either unless something happens that delays you both.

If you are telling your mum then he should be able to tell his. Even if they come to the hospital you don't have to see them.

No wonder there are so many dysfunctional families these days.

No wonder there are so many dysfunctional families these days.

Yes I think a lot of the child neglect and drugs are down to who mum told when she went into labour.

Also a first time mum has a 60% chance of either a c-section or instrumental delivery. Even if she doesn’t end up with either of these, how many of the rest will be very swift? Either way the odds aren’t on your side.

I've read through all the replies just now, thank you for all the supportive posters.
I'm a very quiet, private person. I haven't even announced pregnancy on Facebook or anything like that because I lost a baby at the start of last year and until I have a happy, healthy baby I don't want people I knew at uni years ago or people I used to work with messaging me.
My MIL is a retired midwife and I know she will want updates during labour, about what pain relief I'm having, about birth injuries etc. I don't want a single person apart from my husband to be privy to that information at any point.
Labour is not a social event, everyone will meet baby when he is born. I don't get why people aren't happy with that to be honest

@Cuppasoupmonster

Hilarious

I was thinking more about how disjointed people seem to be. No proper communication, no sharing of lives, every little thing picked over and analysed.

Although to be fair I think it's probably a Mumsnet thing, I don't know any people in real life who behave as they appear to do on here.