To not want my in-laws to know when I go into labour

[PenguinX]

I am due to have my first baby next month, my PIL said today they want my husband to let them know when I go into labour. This makes me very uncomfortable but my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous.
My mum will need to be informed when I go to hospital because we need someone to come to our house to feed our pets but for some reason I'm not happy about anyone else knowing.
Am I being unreasonable thinking like this?

This!

I think it depends if you see it as "this is something about my body so it's private to me and no one has a right to information about my body" or "this is the start of us becoming parents and it's about us both".

If it's the former, that's probably the angle you need to take with DH, but I'd only do it if you know you can't trust them and I'd explain that.

If yo u see it as something you're both going through, which is my opinion, and you trust them to not tell people, then I think he has every reason for wanting to share that moment with them.

What a ridiculous comment. Labour is a stressful, arduous bodily function that can go on for x amount of time. They don't need to know how far dilated she is ffs. My in laws certainly won't be told until the baby has arrived and we're both safe!

As your DH I would agree that's fine. As long as his parents meet the baby first. How would you feel about that?

Why is it selfish out of interest?

My parents and MIL are all lovely and supportive. We did not tell any of them when I went into hospital to have DC1. My mum would have spent the whole time worrying about me and the baby while not being able to do anything to help. Since her knowing did not benefit me or the baby, I would have been causing my mum anxiety for no reason.

As it turned out, our baby was born with a very serious condition that is not compatible with life. He was taken to ICU. We did not find out about the condition until DC1 was a day old, by which time my parents were already on the way to visit what they thought was a healthy baby. Many posters are writing about parents and PIL providing support if there are any problems. In my experience,when the very worst things happen, grandparents end up just hanging around feeling anxious and helpless. My mum is the best mum in the whole world, but there was nothing she could do.

No one is suggesting a cm by cm description. It depends if you see labour purely as a physical process you're enduring and he's not involved beyond having to support you until the baby is out, or if you see Labour as a process of you both becoming parents.

I wonder if all the people saying you're being unreasonable have actually read the thread or just posted without reading.
People have given lots of very good and valid reasons why it can be better to limit info and just tell everyone when the baby is born.

I know people who have waited until they're home or even waited a couple of days to announce after difficult and traumatic births.

It's also ok not to have visitors for a week or not to have every family member or friend in and out in the first few days.

It's not precious, or petty or mean and the ones saying it is are/will almost certainly be the awful, overbearing parents/in laws that think they have some right to every bit of information. You don't!

@patsshopping I'm so sorry fro your loss. I hope they had a chance to meet your beautiful baby x

@SleepingStandingUp it's very much a process where dad is involved if they both want that but that doesn't mean his mum and dad, his sisters etc also need to be kept in the loop.

As for the whole 'it's not fair that she knows and we don't'. That's pathetic and people need to nip that in the bud right off because that gets wearing and annoying really quickly!

If they are likely to spread and advertise the news, then they don't need to be told. Your partner should support this. If they were calm respectful people it wouldn't be an issue

On the other hand, when we told family I'd gonna into labour and then was having a C Sec, the radio silence from us for hours meant my sister knew something was likely wrong and made her way to the hospital, and when we had to tell them how poorly baby was it wasn't a change from happily 35 weeks pregnant to having a baby who might die. It enabled us to gather immediate family to meet him (pre covid, obv) and then to have a christening when he was 1 day old.

Odds were on our side, he's 7. 5 now but frankly none of us know how he survived. Had he died, I'm glad they met him.

We also informed friends on FB (I have a large circle of friends around the country and personal texts wouldn't have been appropriate) within a few days and had do much support. I knew of he still died, he'd have been known.

Second pregnancy, planned delivery, had to tell everyone just cos of practicality.

100% the YABU are MILs.

I was reading them thinking anyone who has been pregnant or birthed a human recently wouldn’t be this dense and rude. 😂

Stay strong @PenguinX

Would you let them know if you went for a smear? It’s just like one big old smear exam. Know how if you get stressed or anything it all tenses up. Well imagine how that will work with a baby in there.

My partner and I sat down and made a plan on how to make it the most relaxed and stress free environment we could. If he’s making this an issue (or they are) maybe highlight that? Can always chuck in it’s best for the baby if he’s not understanding your boundaries.

you can also turn your phone off or block them if you don’t want their messages. That would be pretty extreme but boundaries are important.

Way to take some joyous and positive and turn it in to something tense and dark OP!!

What is best for mum is best for baby. A relaxed mum in labour is the best possible situation. Knowing you are “on the clock” so to speak is very unnerving and can slow down labour unnecessarily.

For fucks sake, the day a man goes through pregnancy, labour, birth and breastfeeding is the day he gets an equal.

There is absolutely nothing equal about childbirth.

The woman's comfort should be the priority and shame on any partner who pouts and demands equal treatment while his partner is frightened and in pain.

@Tiredmamma8 my three are 3 and 7 so def not a MIL altho DS has picked his future wife 🙄. I just think Labour is about both of you, not just you going thorigh a biological process to squoosh out a baby and once it's free of you then it's also about DH. Otherwise presumably it's fine for him to oy come in once the baby is crowning.

It’s not really anything to do with you what he discusses with his own parents.

YANBU.

You are the patient and it’s your medical information to share. Once the baby arrives and your husband has equal parental responsibility for a living human he can decide who he tells , but before then you are in charge of your own body.

We told in laws, mum, step dad, dad, step mum when I went into labour with my first. Husband was bombarded with text messages from all of them throughout my 14 hour labour asking if baby had arrived.

We only told my Mum the second time and that was because she had to look after my eldest. Labour was about two hours so we didn't really have much time to think about it anyway and the in laws were quite put out but they got over it.

It's entirely up to you, you're the one in labour, your comfort both mentally and physically are the most important.

This is a good lesson for your husband that he prioritises you, as the mother of his child, over his own mother, even if he doesn't understand why something makes you uncomfortable. Your needs during labour, birth, and those early months of your child's life are second only to your child's needs.

But I bloody hate the idea that it's got to be "fair" because everyone has an equal claim on your unborn baby. Everyone does have an equal claim, NIL. If you need your own mum for support then you're allowed that without feeling guilty that you're not giving equal attention to someone else.

What’s to stop you telling whoever the heck wants to know

and then….

gasp

you and your DH putting phones away and focussing on your labour and arrival or your baby

then who won’t even be aware if your phones blow up

Not sure if this is mentioned as I didn’t read all the way through this thread, but the obvious solution here is to get an automatic pet feeder prior to labour.
Then your mother doesn’t have to know, your in laws don’t and your husband won’t think you’re being ridiculous. Which you kind of are because PFB but this way, it’s fair for everyone and the pets are fed.

It's very simple - surely your pets won't need feeding by your mum the moment you go into hospital - tell both sets of parents a few hours before your mum needs to attend to the pets.
I don't get on with my m'n'law infact because I was ill during birth both my hubby and m'n'law held my son before me! She's been dreadful over the years and we ae low contact. But you are going to have to get your head around this baby is not just your's - its also your husband. No one expects you to want your parent's'law at the hospital - but messaging them after the birth is a clear sign you don't like them.

It's up to you what you tell your parents, it's up to DH what he tells his.