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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in-laws to know when I go into labour

321 replies

PenguinX · 21/01/2023 21:29

I am due to have my first baby next month, my PIL said today they want my husband to let them know when I go into labour. This makes me very uncomfortable but my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous.
My mum will need to be informed when I go to hospital because we need someone to come to our house to feed our pets but for some reason I'm not happy about anyone else knowing.
Am I being unreasonable thinking like this?

OP posts:
GelPens1 · 22/01/2023 06:35

I think all the YABU posters are MILs! If your in laws are the type to post about this on social media then tell them not to. They cannot post anything about the baby without your permission. Ask your DH to turn his phone on silent in case they keep trying to ring him for updates.

If they’re the type to demand to visit the baby in hospital, tell them prior to the labour that you won’t be up for visitors whilst in hospital.

itsgettingweird · 22/01/2023 06:52

If you're telling your parents then he has every right to tell his.

I get all this "it's the woman's body - they are giving birth" bit but as long as they aren't then intending to turn up and try and softness the birth I don't get why them knowing is a problem?

Just tell both sets of parents what your requests are re them not then telling anyone else.

BridieConvert · 22/01/2023 06:57

It really depends on what they'll do when they're told.
Are they the type of people that will be like "ok great let us know when the baby is here and if you need anything" (like my PIL were thankfully) or would they be the type to constantly message for updates and just stress you out?
If they are more like the first option, I don't think there is a harm in your husband telling them and then if he needed their support he'd be able to get it.
If they are more like the second option then I wouldn't be telling them, you don't need that stress while in labour.

jellymaker · 22/01/2023 06:59

I wouldn't tell anyone. My first labour lasted 24 hours and ended in a c section. We told everyone. The waiting was excruciating for them all. They were calling every couple of hours which was so irritating and added to the pressure I was under trying to get the baby out. With our second, we did everyone a favour and let them know when it was all over. My mum wasn't upset. The joy of the new baby takes over.

Hidingawaytoday · 22/01/2023 07:04

YANBU. The only people who knew when I went into labour were my husband's manager and his secretary... as it was a Monday lunchtime, so he needed to tell them he was logging off 😆

My mum guessed as I didn't reply to a message from her, but didn't ask, just waited until I got in touch.

iratepirate · 22/01/2023 07:09

We’ve never told anyone else until we were home and ready for the ILs to make it all about them. 🙃
Your labour, your decision.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/01/2023 07:17

All due respect, your DH can still feed your pets. He'll be able to leave you in hospital, return home, feed and walk them and get back to you.
The chances of you going into labour prior to them requiring food is slim. Even if your DH puts down food and water and newspapers on the floor they could do fine for 24 hrs. so it's perfectly possible that you wouldn't even need to tell your own mother.

I understand why you wouldn't want everyone knowing when you're in labour. I'm not sure why your DH wouldn't wait until the baby is born before breaking the news.

StoppinBy · 22/01/2023 07:30

YANBU.

The only people I told were the 'need to know' people.

I had three days of contractions before a C/Section, I certainly wouldn't have wanted everyone messaging me to find out if the baby had been born.

My 2nd was 24 hours of contractions and a C/Section, again, I only told the 'need to know' people.

They can find out when the baby is born, that's all they need to know.

PurpleishDahlia · 22/01/2023 07:42

YANBU
I also didn't want anyone to know as I didn't need the added pressure of checking on me and asking for updates.
Everyone was eventually notified because my labour lasted 35 hours and people wondered why we've disappeared. But I'm glad they didn't know straight away and I could labour in peace on day 1.

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 22/01/2023 07:43

I don’t think it’s just your decision, you should explain your feelings to your DH and decide together.

In 30 years time when your DC is expecting I imagine you would be heartbroken to not know your ‘baby’, because even at 30 DC will still be your baby, is going through labour. It’s not called labour for nothing, it’s physically (ok, not for dads) and mentally hard on both ‘parents to be’ and for P/PIL worrying - they know the ultimate joy and potential fears of those few hours.

TwoShades1 · 22/01/2023 07:47

I think it’s fair enough. I also only told my mum as she needed to look after my horses. If we hadn’t needed her then we wouldn’t have said anything. I think DP did message his parents once we were at the hospital, however I did most of my labour at home and was about 8cm when I got to hospital. It was also late at night and they are nice respectful people so they weren’t messaging/calling for updates.

Maray1967 · 22/01/2023 07:47

Sapphire387 · 21/01/2023 21:49

YANBU. Your body, your labour, your choice.

I felt very vulnerable and wanted to keep things private, and that should be respected.

Yes, this was my view and we agreed on it. Otherwise you are just stressing grandparents out if labour is long. He might live to regret it if he does tell them. Why say anything if you don’t need to?

TwoShades1 · 22/01/2023 07:48

Should have added my step kids mum was obviously told fairly early on as she needed to come pick them up!

Rubyupbeat · 22/01/2023 07:48

It would be fair enough if your parents weren't to know, but the fact that they will makes it only fair for your pil to know too.

Pleasecreateausername13 · 22/01/2023 07:52

This thread has bothered me since I read it last night. Think it’s incredibly selfish not to tell his parents.

OP, be glad you have your husband with you. I had to go through 2 days of induction on my own and my partner wasn’t allowed in until I was in active labour. Was the most lonely, painful time of my life. Everyone knew I was in hospital, extended family, neighbours etc. and the only ones who messaged me were my partner, my mum and my best friend, everyone else contacted my partner to find out how I was doing and they would pass messages to me which was lovely and kept my spirits up.

Honestly just get a grip and look forward to having your little bundle without worrying about who knows.

TwoShades1 · 22/01/2023 07:53

I really should have written a better first post….🙄 It’s probably good we didn’t tell lots of family as they would have had a long wait. I went into labour Friday afternoon and dd wasn’t born til Sunday morning!

StoppinBy · 22/01/2023 07:53

Rubyupbeat · 22/01/2023 07:48

It would be fair enough if your parents weren't to know, but the fact that they will makes it only fair for your pil to know too.

It's not about fair.

My PIL knew because they came to watch our eldest when we went to hospital.

My own Mum found out once our baby was born.

If you need to rely on people for something, obviously you have to tell them.

We had to tell my husband's boss too because he wasn't able to be at work, the first baby we didn't need a sitter so had no need to tell either of our parents, telling one person in no way means you have to tell other people.

bravelittletiger · 22/01/2023 07:56

I know what you mean and I was the same. In the end I only told my mum because she had to look after my older children but it was still a disaster as she told her partner who then mentioned it to people down the pub and I got texts from family friends saying "I hear you're in labour?!". I found it massively intrusive and stressful.

If you don't want them to know then unless you need them for childcare or animal care then don't tell them, simple as that.

PearTreePie · 22/01/2023 08:00

I totally understand the need for privacy OP. We didn’t tell anyone about my planned induction for DC1. Thank goodness, it lasted 2 days. It was wonderful being in our own bubble in the hospital. I loved the first few days after too.

Everyone knew with DC2 as it was a planned CS. At the time I was fine with entire inlaws all turning up to the hospital when our baby was a few hours old. With hindsight, I really missed the privacy and wish we hadn’t told anyone!!

My sister told everyone when she went into labour and I actually hated knowing. It was 24 hours of uncertainty and we heard NOTHING at all for what felt like eternity, I kept waking up through the night checking for messages and I wish I hadn’t known!!

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 22/01/2023 08:00

I didn’t tell my parents when I was in Labour with dd1. But I couldn’t hide it with dd2 as I was at their house at the time, which was handy as dd1 was staying with them and she had a night bag there already.

You tell whoever you want to tell.

NewShoes · 22/01/2023 08:00

We didn’t tell anyone when I went into labour, on either side. Neither did my sister - this is totally normal in my opinion! What would be the point? If you have a difficult labour it can make things more stressful having to feed back information to worried relatives and update them, when you just want to concentrate on the two of you and the baby. In my view it’s totally up to the two of you and whatever you want should be fine!

magicthree · 22/01/2023 08:02

YABU, and seriously, I think you will have more things on your mind than who knows you are in labour. Why are people so precious these days?

Sleepyquest · 22/01/2023 08:03

I didn't want anyone to know I was in labour. However due to the lengthy process, we did tell them and after baby was here, I felt a bit mean thinking that way because my parents and PIL were just excited and also wanted to know I was ok too.

So I do get it but from my experience, once they did know I was in labour, I felt a bit more relaxed.

magicthree · 22/01/2023 08:04

I also don't understand all this "stress" about people texting? There is no law which says you have to read texts - hell, you can even turn your phone off if you want.

Velvian · 22/01/2023 08:05

It's something that's happening to OP, not to DH. Up to you OP.