Teenage boys ruined my carpets - should I contact their parents?

[thecranberries]

My 16 yr old DC had a birthday party last night. About 40 teenagers attending. Fine. My DC is responsible as are her friends. I went out, obviously, and came back at 11.30pm.

I found a bunch of girls mopping my wooden floor and stone kitchen floor, two girls picking up clumps of mud, one girl vacuuming up mud (ruined my Dyson as mud was wet) and various other girls using towels to wipe down what they could.

My DC told me what boys had done: they'd gone into the garden beyond the decking, despite being told repeatedly not to do so. They went into my garden shed and took out garden spade, fork and rake and just dumped them into garden, leaving shed door open. They ruined my lawn. And they'd repeatedly gone in and out - they all wear those clumpy trainers - and just spread the mud. (It's been very wet recently).

After being told many times not to do so, she finally told all the boys to leave, and as they were doing so, some attempted to filch things from my home, so DC and a few other girls checked the boy's pockets before ejecting them.

All the girls responsible, well behaved, and considerate. All the boys - led by one especially - irresponsible, disrespectful, boarish, and the lead boy - simply kept laughing when asked to behave responsibly and not rile up the others.

So, AIBU to call the parents of the lead boy and tell them exactly what their DS is like? I have to pay for my carpets and rugs to be cleaned and spend my day deep cleaning my home from debris I had not factored in rather than just the normal tidy up.

I know my DC will be extremely embarrassed at my actions, ie calling the parents of lead boy - but at the same time, I am left with an unexpected bill and extra work at a particularly time-poor moment in my week.

Just for record, all boys come from 'nice' families, and go to very good state and private schools.

WWYD?

There’s party etiquette here. There’s a group chat set up by host and only those on it are admitted. They all tidy up and are appreciative. They all know each other - the idea of deliberate damage and theft is awful upsetting and next level wrong.

As a host parent I would worry about liability if I wasn’t there let alone damage. There was a tragic accident 2 years ago of a lad on a school trip wasn’t a party but it was in the home of a host family and he died.

Leaving 40 teens in your home unattended is just about the fucking stupidest thing I've ever heard.

@thecranberries Insane to go out and leave the house unattended.
Lucky there was no wall to wall vomit and kicked out bannisters.
No one will be buying new carpeting except you.

Oh and carpets are a bad idea. Wooden floor / stone tiles are best took me 3 washes to get ours clean after the teens had cleaned it after being a dance floor for 50 odd kids!

I'd absolutely tell the parents. They have learned that irresponsible behaviour from somewhere.

Next time don't organise a 40 person party for teens and expect nothing to go wrong. Teens are feral.

Are you coming back @thecranberries ?

Yeah good luck with that one ,OP.
Why does it matter that they come from "nice" families and go to private/very good state schools? They are still wee dickheads and you might of had more respect from scheme lads. Obviously they don't come from that "nice" families if the do that to people's homes.

This is such a daft comparison.

if nothing else because it’s a situation where a parent exercising any sense whatsoever would have anticipated the outcome and not put their DD in the situation of trying to be in charge of 40 16 year olds and preventing any nonsense.

A better comparison would be telling a parent that it’s their own fault their walls are covered in pen. They shouldn’t have left a pack of pens in the table and then not supervised their 2 year old.

It’s not about ‘victims’. It’s knowing that young people need adequate supervision and support - otherwise they lack the judgement (having under developed brains) to not end up in stupid situations.

It’s a failure of parenting here. And the OP has got off fairly lightly. It’s just some mud.

Why did you go out? Why didn't your DD contact you once they started to have issues with the misbehaving teens?

I think @TheSnootiestFox sons were guests at OP’s house 😆

Were you ever teenage?

I mean, you'd be totally within your rights to contact the parents. YANBU in that regard, though only you know how they might react to this etc (if you know the parents? There's a lot of variables here)

However, I hate to be another piling on, but YABU thinking that leaving 40 teenagers alone wasn't going to end in some kind of chaos. It's a weird pack mentality, it just takes one to have a dumbass idea and another to say "yeah that would be hilarious" , a few more to say "sure why the hell not" and all of a sudden, your back garden is in your living room.

It's definitely not a 'this generation' thing, either. I know my mum told me stories of all the pranks they played (late 1960's, USA) , not to the interior of someone's house but usually involving their school, or covering someone's car in something. I didn't do this sort of thing (1990's) but we did plenty of other stupid stuff.

Actually now that I've typed that out: yeah, go ahead and tell the parents. I'm not surprised that they did it, but that doesn't mean there shouldn't be consequences. I wouldn't expect them to pay but I'd expect some help cleaning.

Every teenage party I have ever heard about, when no parents were present, has ended in disaster.

100% on you op sorry

You're lucky it was just mud

40 unaccompanied, mixed-sex teenagers in your house? You were lucky it was just a bit of mud.

I thought you were no longer engaging with me? 😂

At least you're calling the grown up names now, so I suppose that's progress!

I think you are as daft as a brush to allow 40 teens in your home, and for going out.

When mine were that age, I allowed 20 max and shut myself in my bedroom.

Your dd also needs to bear some responsibility. She doesn't know her friends as well as she thought she did. She failed to stop them. She could, I assume, have called you to come home.

However, I would certainly tell the parents. I wouldn't expect them to receive it well because parents get defensive about their kids. They'll blame you for going out, tell you things about your dd that you didn't know, blame other kids. I doubt they'll offer money. But I'm sure they'll all have stern words with their sons and be embarrassed, and it does just show the boys that actions have consequences.

Normally I'd say no, they're past the age where their parents should be informed. But, these sound like a very 'young' group of 16 year olds. If the most fun they can think of at an unsupervised mixed sex teen party is to take tools out of a shed, they're developmentally more like 10 year olds. So perhaps they may be responsive to a telling off from mummy and daddy.

I don't think op going out absolves them of all responsibility. One can expect a basic level of human decency and consideration even from 16 year old teens. It sounds as if the girls managed it, even if their cleanup operation didn't go well. As a teacher, I hate it when parents blame everyone else.

You allowed your teenager to have 40 kids round and didn't stay in the house?

I'd want to know if one of my teenage sons was involved in this, but I'd probably also be asking why you left them all alone in the house - nuts!

Raised Three teenage boys friends Day boys and boarders. Never left the house but retreated to the bedroom. One boy went a bit loco pulled down curtains so phoned the house master to come and get him at midnight. Another puked in the sink, opened a window and puked over the garden furniture. Left early for work. I phoned him telling him to get his arse back here to clean up. He refused so I said right I'm phoning your mother she can clean it up. He came back. He's Forty now and still scared of me.

You're not their mate. You're in loco parentis. You search their person for booze and their bags. You search the front garden in case they've stashed the vodka in a hedge, bush for later.

You stay home!!

You left 40 sixteen year olds in your house with no adult supervision?

I wouldn't leave 40 teenagers unattended in my house. Even nice children do silly things. Did you allow alcohol?