Teenage boys ruined my carpets - should I contact their parents?

[thecranberries]

My 16 yr old DC had a birthday party last night. About 40 teenagers attending. Fine. My DC is responsible as are her friends. I went out, obviously, and came back at 11.30pm.

I found a bunch of girls mopping my wooden floor and stone kitchen floor, two girls picking up clumps of mud, one girl vacuuming up mud (ruined my Dyson as mud was wet) and various other girls using towels to wipe down what they could.

My DC told me what boys had done: they'd gone into the garden beyond the decking, despite being told repeatedly not to do so. They went into my garden shed and took out garden spade, fork and rake and just dumped them into garden, leaving shed door open. They ruined my lawn. And they'd repeatedly gone in and out - they all wear those clumpy trainers - and just spread the mud. (It's been very wet recently).

After being told many times not to do so, she finally told all the boys to leave, and as they were doing so, some attempted to filch things from my home, so DC and a few other girls checked the boy's pockets before ejecting them.

All the girls responsible, well behaved, and considerate. All the boys - led by one especially - irresponsible, disrespectful, boarish, and the lead boy - simply kept laughing when asked to behave responsibly and not rile up the others.

So, AIBU to call the parents of the lead boy and tell them exactly what their DS is like? I have to pay for my carpets and rugs to be cleaned and spend my day deep cleaning my home from debris I had not factored in rather than just the normal tidy up.

I know my DC will be extremely embarrassed at my actions, ie calling the parents of lead boy - but at the same time, I am left with an unexpected bill and extra work at a particularly time-poor moment in my week.

Just for record, all boys come from 'nice' families, and go to very good state and private schools.

WWYD?

If that was sent to me, I'd ask what you expected for going out and leaving 40 teenagers and also how you can prove it was my DS that did it.
I'd also - probably rather unjustly- tell DS to stay away from your DD as her DM seemed a bit unhinged.

@DottyLittleRainbow “Running on the lawn and causing a bit of damage I could accept but digging it up with tools from the shed? Very deliberate vandalism. Going”

That’s not what the OP said. Sounds like they just took the tools out and left them lying around. Hardly the crime of the century. The lawn damage was caused by chunky trainers when these naughty boys failed to keep off the grass. They were just running about. Fairly predictable unsupervised large teen group at party behaviour!

I don’t think lying is a particularly good idea, and I’m sure the boys parents would ask why the op did n’t intervene at the time which would expose the truth. I’m also don’t understand why everyone is assuming the daughter is telling the truth.

This. Very bad idea and was never going to go well.

not unhinged at all … it’s getting party goers and their parents to take responsibility for their actions. If you, as a parent, think that your child cannot go to a party with out causing damage and mess then you should not let your child attend.

Why are you trying to pin the actions of a group of teenagers on one particular boy? I wouldn't even think of phoning his parents, that's silly. You're lucky it was mud and not a sea of vomit, leaving 40 teenagers alone to party in your house.

Do no contact parents! You can’t possibly know exactly what happened as you weren’t there.

Id want to know. I’d be selling my sons things to pay for a professional clean.

They are 16, not 6. Old enough to get out in an emergency. "Tear you a new arsehole", sure you would.

If you, as a parent, think that your child cannot go to a party with out causing damage and mess then you should not let your child attend.

If you, as an adult, don’t properly supervise children when left in your care, it is probably best you should not offer to host them.

You are aware this is YOUR fault right? You left 40 drunken teenagers in your house unsupervised and expected them to act respectfully? Why on earth would you even allow a party that big?! Learn from this and move on. Obviously that particular group of boys are not welcome at your house again. And maybe cap parties at 20 from now on. And stay home to supervise.

You were naive to think there wouldn't be damage at a party of teenagers especially if there's a load of boys. A colleague of mine did the same and ten boys gatecrashed the party of his daughter. Parents were out.The result? £20,000 of damage and stolen belongings. You could phone the parents but it won't make much difference I expect.They will all blame the other which is what happened with my colleague.Fortunately his house insurance covered some of the cost.

well if I was one of the parents of one of the boys, I wouldn't pay I'm afraid. The children at this age have a herd mentality. There was probably alcohol. There were 40 people there, that's a lot of people. The person responsible for the party and your house was your dd. (That's what I say to my dc if they have parties at my house).

fwiw this has happened at every party we've had.. We have wooden floors so they're easy to mop but still, it looks like a mud bath. My dc clean up after themselves, but the first time I allowed a party , I learned a few harsh lessons!

Is there any reason your daughter didn't contact you when it was getting out of hand?

I am wondering if this actually really happened

@ButterCrackers yes but the actual provable offence seems to be walking from outside to inside a few times and allegedly trying to steal things- but not confirmed what they are.

I'm 100% certain DS would not be the ring leader of such a situation and fairly sure he wouldn't cause deliberate damage, so I'd also be surprised that apparently every single boy at the party behaved like this.

I'd give him a stiff talking to behind closed doors if I thought he was involved, but honestly asking for cleaning costs for a carpet after an unsupervised party with 40 16 year olds - yes if I got that letter I would think the DM was unhinged.

My teenagers had numerous gatherings of about this size, usually I would go out but not far. I always made a strict cut off at midnight, if not a bit before, mainly concerned for the neighbours. Our kitchen goes straight out to the garden, teenagers very much do this in and out thing (they smoke basically) - unless it's been extremely dry there's mud. I just expect it, we mop the floor in the morning and the grass recovers. Did you expect them to stay indoors all evening? I don't understand the garden tool thing but they can be silly.

And for proof I would expect the kids to be honest. If they lie then I would tell my dc to keep away from them and tell the parents that their child has lied. I would expect action and honesty.

I have never once said that I would not deal with my kids if they had damaged something. What I did say, and this was the bit that you immediately jumped on, was that I would be far more angry with the adult that had left them alone and put them and their friends at risk. As you yourself say, we all have different standards and mine are probably higher than most due to my professional training, rightly or wrongly.

Now take your vile attitude elsewhere and call someone else's children names, if that what makes you feel good about yourself.

This! Exactly this.

YABU & I think you got off slightly in the circumstances!

Not unhinged at all. The kids need to understand responsibility. If I ever got such information from a parent naming my kids as causing damage you can be sure that I would be right on it. I’d ask my kids what happened, take them round to the house right away to apologise and clear up. Costs would come from anything to be bought for them as in not bought and money to pay for damage. Luckily my kids are well behaved and I am thankful because many teens just don’t care.

The mess is one thing and 40 teenagers should not have been unsupervised.

The theft is another, as it is illegal. I would contact the boy's parents if he was involved in stealing items from your house.