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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family comes first surely ?

426 replies

Pinkchenille · 20/01/2023 17:05

4 years ago my friend started a cleaning business. My mum was looking for a cleaner so I gave her my friends number . After 18 months or so she started to clean for my mums ndn too.

My mum has always had the opinion that if you want something you work for it so isn’t very forthcoming with helping out when I’ve struggled but my youngest is now in full time school so I wanted to work but I’ve not been able to for years due to some medical issues . I said to my mum would she consider letting me be her cleaner and as she has that kind of work ethic opinion mentioned above she was happy to do this as she would be helping me out but I wouldn’t be doing nothing in return.

she gave her cleaner (my friend) notice and I’ve now been cleaning for her a few weeks . Her ndn is one of her best friends as they’ve lived there for over 30 years and she had been talking to her and ndn has now given notice and asked me will i clean for her too (she’s aware of my medical issues and knows this will make throngs easier for me I’ve known her years and it was her suggestion)

My friend (well I’m not sure if she is anymore) has accused me of poaching her clients !!! But I’m not . They had given notice and yes I asked my mum but i didn’t approach her ndn. She’s says I shouldn’t have asked my mum but it’s my mum and surely family comes first especially given my circumstances 😞

OP posts:
treadcarefully · 21/01/2023 00:40

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 20/01/2023 19:33

i wondered if your diagnoses of autism and adhd might explain why you are struggling to see this from your friends perspective?

Totally agree. I think maybe the posters who keep calling the op 'obtuse' need to understand these conditions better.

hiyaqwerty · 21/01/2023 01:08

Your fine op. Makes sense for your mum to pay you rather than someone else. Ur ndn gave her notice.

Ur friend can get over it. It's just like as though 2 clients no longer need her cleaning services.

CJsGoldfish · 21/01/2023 02:14

As I’ve said due to my medical conditions work is hard to find and this is the easiest way to immediately get more money
By screwing over a friend. Which you did.
I cannot imagine you have many to start with if you can do this so easily and have no remorse 🤷‍♀️
As if your mum couldn't just help you out a little if your circumstances were really so dire. If you truly couldn't work, she'd still rather see you attempt to than just help you out? Hmmm.

And not informing anyone that you are now working? Dodgy af.

TeaAndTattoos · 21/01/2023 03:37

op I’m autistic too but even I can see that what you have done to your friend is unkind and you where absolutely in the wrong to do that to her you need to just own the fact that you have poached her clients whether you think you haven’t doesn’t matter. I feel really sorry for your friend she is probably struggling too with the cost of living just because you don’t know her financial situation doesn’t mean that she’s not struggling too and for all you know her losing 2 clients could’ve left her struggling even more than she already was.

LotteLomax · 21/01/2023 03:44

So all the posters here who are disagreeing with the op, if your own flesh and blood came to you in the same situation, you would have told your daughter you couldn’t help? Just so you can claim how worldly and correct you are? You’d all give Puritans a run for their money!

Family comes first.

Bellalalala · 21/01/2023 04:23

LotteLomax · 21/01/2023 03:44

So all the posters here who are disagreeing with the op, if your own flesh and blood came to you in the same situation, you would have told your daughter you couldn’t help? Just so you can claim how worldly and correct you are? You’d all give Puritans a run for their money!

Family comes first.

What do you mean by disagreeing with the Op?

I disagree with the Op. I completely understand why the friend is upset. I also think from Ops posts she does know what she did. Because she talks of how unfair it would be for her friends to have all her original clients and her have non. She also talks about how she would love to take on more clients but is seeing how she goes with these 2.

I also don’t get the point posters are making about how the friend should be grateful the Op got her these clients in the first place. Yes Op did that. The friend however, worked and kept the clients. The theory that it someone introduces you to a client, you should still be ok if they then take the client, is odd to me.

But I also understand why her mum and neighbour have done this. Which is what most people said. Honestly, if my adult child needed an extra £60 per week but was in ill health, I would just give her the money. If I couldn’t and I absolutely needed the cleaner I would do what the mum did.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t understand why the friend is upset.

Shoxfordian · 21/01/2023 05:22

@LotteLomax I would give my daughter the money without expecting her to do anything for it if she needed it; as my parents would support me if necessary - doesn’t mean the op hasn’t done anything wrong by taking two clients off her friend- she clearly has

Womencanlift · 21/01/2023 05:39

Shoxfordian · 21/01/2023 05:22

@LotteLomax I would give my daughter the money without expecting her to do anything for it if she needed it; as my parents would support me if necessary - doesn’t mean the op hasn’t done anything wrong by taking two clients off her friend- she clearly has

This 100%. There is no way I would insist that my DD with health problems cleans my house to give them money to live on if she was struggling

But also the NDN is not family so OP is being unreasonable to take that client away from her friend in this way

CJsGoldfish · 21/01/2023 05:51

So all the posters here who are disagreeing with the op, if your own flesh and blood came to you in the same situation, you would have told your daughter you couldn’t help?

Well, I certainly wouldn't be watching my child have "seizures meltdowns and shitting themselves" so I could throw them a couple of quid to help out 🙄

If things were SO bad that my child had to screw over a friend and suffer the above with a 2 hr on, 2 hr rest schedule to run a vac around a couple of houses, I'm thinking I'd be helping them to NOT have to do that. 🤷‍♀️

Jemandthehologramsunite · 21/01/2023 06:23

LotteLomax · 21/01/2023 03:44

So all the posters here who are disagreeing with the op, if your own flesh and blood came to you in the same situation, you would have told your daughter you couldn’t help? Just so you can claim how worldly and correct you are? You’d all give Puritans a run for their money!

Family comes first.

Tbh I think I'd loan (only if I needed it back) or give her the money, rather than have my own DD be my cleaner and/or help her with childcare as well

DrMarciaFieldstone · 21/01/2023 06:27

LotteLomax · 21/01/2023 03:44

So all the posters here who are disagreeing with the op, if your own flesh and blood came to you in the same situation, you would have told your daughter you couldn’t help? Just so you can claim how worldly and correct you are? You’d all give Puritans a run for their money!

Family comes first.

The neighbour isn’t family.

SpaceMonitor · 21/01/2023 06:52

Pinkchenille · 20/01/2023 17:17

I needed to work somewhere families due to my medical needs and I think my mum and her ndn understand that so it was a quick way to get me extra money

Show quote history

What possible medical needs would mean you can clean for your mum and her neighbour but not a stranger?

And yes, you poached your friends clients. Of course she’s upset.

Kiwimommyinlondon · 21/01/2023 06:54

So much drama. OP I think you’ve had a raw deal here. Go and earn your few bob and ignore the OTT comments.

Weddi · 21/01/2023 07:02

You have poached her clients though. I don’t think she would have minded as much if you just did your Mum’s because, as you say, ‘family comes first’… The NDN though?? Step too far.

Wdib78 · 21/01/2023 07:28

£1000 a year is just short of £20 a week. So you clean 2 houses for £10 each assuming your clean weekly. Sounds like bull.

Your friend as a self employed cleaner would charge more than that. Therefore she is short a lot more then 20 quid a week.
She has every right to be pissed off. Cleaning for your mum fair enough but to agree to more of her clients is twatish, don't try "family comes first" excuse, just admit £10 a week is worth more than friendship.

Acornacorn · 21/01/2023 07:31

You seem very focused on your own needs and not at all on how this affects another person - your friend!
For example, you say you need to work because money is tight. Now your friend has lost two clients - because of you - so is probably feeling short of money now too.
you could have handled this much, much better. Yes it’s your mum and her ndn, and yes your medical issues make things hard for you. But you need to own the fact you have acted poorly.

Aprilx · 21/01/2023 07:34

Pinkchenille · 20/01/2023 17:14

That’s why I said in this instance surely family comes first ?

Show quote history

No it is business. You poached her clients, just admit it.

seperatedmum · 21/01/2023 08:26

you've gone about this all the wrong way and even the thread title is wrong- family comes first- that's not your issue, it's that you went and asked for your then-friend's job; whichever way you look at it. you should've properly gone through your money taken advice and gone on entitled.to it's advertised everywhere you couldn't have missed it? instead of focusing on a frankly silly way to make money sorry a gift and not caring about your friend, or your tax liabilities. and the fact that you keep going on and on about how you're in the right? if you really believed this you wouldn't have started a thread 🤷🏽‍♀️

99victoria · 21/01/2023 11:07

LotteLomax · 21/01/2023 03:44

So all the posters here who are disagreeing with the op, if your own flesh and blood came to you in the same situation, you would have told your daughter you couldn’t help? Just so you can claim how worldly and correct you are? You’d all give Puritans a run for their money!

Family comes first.

If my daughter - with physical and mental health problems - came to me and said she was struggling to buy food and pay for heating, and I had sufficient money to pay for a cleaner every week then I would be GIVING money to my daughter, either instead of or as well as paying for a cleaner. I certainly wouldn't be making her clean my house! What an odd set-up

Thereisnolight · 21/01/2023 11:24

99victoria · 21/01/2023 11:07

If my daughter - with physical and mental health problems - came to me and said she was struggling to buy food and pay for heating, and I had sufficient money to pay for a cleaner every week then I would be GIVING money to my daughter, either instead of or as well as paying for a cleaner. I certainly wouldn't be making her clean my house! What an odd set-up

Show quote history

I know! And the other posters saying how evil OP is for stealing her own mother from her friend’s business. The whole thing is an insight into dysfunction. Sorry you’re surrounded by tight and selfish people in your life and on this thread, OP. Lots of other families and friends are not like this.

InsomniacVampire · 22/01/2023 07:45

I am reading here and thinking, bullying is soooo ripe on these thread sometimes. OP is a clearly vurnerable adult who is in a dire financial situation. Maybe she asked for a job as she didnt want to take money for nothing.
And people pile in on her like if there was no tomorrow, I wonder if it made some of your days to act like dicks.

The friend only got the initial job thanks to OP- I hope she rememebers that. She can if she is good find new jobs very easily. OP can't. She is clearly good enough for the neighbour to want to employ here. Id also prefer to employ someone I knew (daughter of a friend) over a third party.

Moonyblue · 22/01/2023 10:35

Just ignore everyone! Family does come first and my mum would certainly choose to help me first!

Your friend should understand especially, if she has had their business for4 years! I would think it must be serious. People change their cleaners all the time for various reasons, it’s hardly going to stop the whole business!

PrincessConstance · 22/01/2023 11:02

Dp runs a service business, and clients are always being poached, it's something anyone in business has to get used to. In fact, he sometimes gives clients away when timescales mean he cannot fit them in.

TheBigWangTheory · 22/01/2023 11:12

Moonyblue · 22/01/2023 10:35

Just ignore everyone! Family does come first and my mum would certainly choose to help me first!

Your friend should understand especially, if she has had their business for4 years! I would think it must be serious. People change their cleaners all the time for various reasons, it’s hardly going to stop the whole business!

This so completely misses the point. People like you, and OP, are the type that wonder why you have no friends.

"Be a back stabbing bitch and then ignore everyone who says you're a backstabbing bitch".

TheBigWangTheory · 22/01/2023 11:24

LotteLomax · 21/01/2023 03:44

So all the posters here who are disagreeing with the op, if your own flesh and blood came to you in the same situation, you would have told your daughter you couldn’t help? Just so you can claim how worldly and correct you are? You’d all give Puritans a run for their money!

Family comes first.

Are you actually high? Yes, family comes first, so if your child needs money badly, you GIVE IT TO THEM. You don't fire your cleaner, make your child clean your house for a few quid, and get your neighbour to do it too!

You're calling the rest of us puritans when you think its a great idea to make your own child clean your shit for small cash? Some real twisted fuckers on here.