Family comes first surely ?

[Pinkchenille]

4 years ago my friend started a cleaning business. My mum was looking for a cleaner so I gave her my friends number . After 18 months or so she started to clean for my mums ndn too.

My mum has always had the opinion that if you want something you work for it so isn’t very forthcoming with helping out when I’ve struggled but my youngest is now in full time school so I wanted to work but I’ve not been able to for years due to some medical issues . I said to my mum would she consider letting me be her cleaner and as she has that kind of work ethic opinion mentioned above she was happy to do this as she would be helping me out but I wouldn’t be doing nothing in return.

she gave her cleaner (my friend) notice and I’ve now been cleaning for her a few weeks . Her ndn is one of her best friends as they’ve lived there for over 30 years and she had been talking to her and ndn has now given notice and asked me will i clean for her too (she’s aware of my medical issues and knows this will make throngs easier for me I’ve known her years and it was her suggestion)

My friend (well I’m not sure if she is anymore) has accused me of poaching her clients !!! But I’m not . They had given notice and yes I asked my mum but i didn’t approach her ndn. She’s says I shouldn’t have asked my mum but it’s my mum and surely family comes first especially given my circumstances 😞

🎵 No Income Tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee! 🎵

According to you, the only help you need and which you claim PIP for is supervision whilst cooking. As that would only be worth 4 points for Daily Living, i fail to see how you have a claim for PIP at all when the minimum points needed for a successful claim is 8 for the standard award. ( Enhanced award requires
12 points. I can see no reason, according to your posts that would give the impression of you being entitled to anything at all for the mobility component. )
If, for example, you have told DWP that you have trouble bending due to your crohns, then they would have every right to query how you can be a cleaner without having to bend over at some point. You can't be a very thorough cleaner if that's the case, to be fair.
In case you are unaware, although PIP questions don't necessarily ask about housework directly, the questions still often refer to activities using the same gross and or fine motor skills that you would use for cleaning. - If you can't grip cutlery, then how are you going to grip a duster/sponge, etc.
In any case, whether you think you still qualify for PIP or not, it is not your decision to make without taking very good advice at the least, in fairness, you should declare the change in circumstances and let them decide, even just for your own peace of mind because that's what honest claimants do, imo.

As for your ex friend, well as the saying goes, " with friends like you, who needs enemies?! "!

Why? What was stopping you getting your own cleaning jobs? It's nothing to do with family coming first. It's about being loyal to your friends. You'd have to be pretty dense not to understand that. Maybe you did your friend a favour in the long run if you are this shallow and disloyal.

I disagree and don’t think there’s been a pile on at all. I’ve read the whole thread and most comments are focusing on how the friend must feel and are trying to explain that to the OP. Every single post the OP has responded with, has been ‘I needed money for food, for the electric bill etc.’ No one’s doubting why the OP needs more money coming in, most of us do! But it’s the refusal to acknowledge why her friend feels anything at all which makes the OP U.

Couldn’t imagine trying to engage with you in real life!

@Pinkchenille I’d still like to know whether you spoke to your friend before asking your mum if you could work for her. Or did your friend know nothing about it until she was given her notice?

You really should have discussed this with your friend first, at least to give her advance warning. Did your mother's neighbour really give your friend notice without asking you if you had availability, time or inclination to clean their house too? Because it this was another chance to forewarn your friend. That's why she's upset. You needed something she had so you just took it without a single thought to how it would affect her.

You have apologised though, right? And explained the situation.

It’s not validation I want I’m just struggling to understand why she is so angry

OP she is angry because she has lost money every week because of your actions. It is most likely money that she relied on to feed her family and pay for her electric

Based on your answers here, she is most likely also angry that instead of being contrite you are approaching it in a slightly belligerent 'I've done nothing wrong, what's your problem?' fashion

Hopefully you can see from this thread that the vast majority of people disagree with you and can understand why your friend is upset with your behaviour

YABU and selfish. ‘Medical issues’ aren’t an excuse for being an arsehole btw.

Take away the cleaning.. If you were told you could have an extra £40 a week PIP but it would come out of your friends purse would you take it? Without knowing her circumstances?

She's pissed off because the £40 you've gained into your family she has now lost, simple as that.

If you claim UC, you will need to declare the earnings from your cleaning. Initially you will be required to attend appointments to look for work- even with PIP. As you said, you can work and claim PIP. You will need a separate assessment through UC to determine if you are not able to work which would mean you won’t need to attend further appointments.

This is ridiculous, she can pick up other cleaning jobs elsewhere and doesn’t have ownership of your mums cleaning tasks.

You needed something she had so you just took it without a single thought to how it would affect her.

THIS. This is what posters are getting annoyed with you for not getting OP. You took £40 a week out of your friend's income because you need it, without thinking about how much she might need it or how she would replace it. It was just the easiest way for you to get why you needed, so you didn't give any thought to what it might mean for her.

You HAVE poached her clients and family most definitely does NOT come first. This was an awful thing to do to your friend.

@HandsOffMyCarrierBags ridiculous to suggest she's probably pissed off because she's lost £40 a week in steady work?

Why do you think her friend is pissed off then?

And I'm not asking if it's justified, I'm asking why.

@Pinkchenille If your mum and her neighbour cancelled you off the jobs next week, because your ex-friend had undercut your prices, how would feel?

All's fair in love and war? Or do you think you'd feel annoyed?

You do seem quite keen on inventing new words and semantic concepts for things, such as new forms of tax exemption. It’s all very passive and infantilising - just own what you did and declare the income, for goodness sake.

Doesn't matter if you consider the income a "gift" hmrc look at it as earned income and want their slice of it, if there's anything other be had. It should all be declared to hmrc regardless of whether it's thousands, or minimal.
Fwiw I can see why your mum would pay you to help out, but can understand your friend being peeved. You introduced her to two clients, then decided to take them from her.

I understand OP's difficulty putting herself into her friends situation and her lack of empathy.
My DD has ASD and ADHD and she is exactly the same. Simply cannot see anything from anyone else's POV despite many many years of me trying to explain.
If DD has been asked once, she's been asked a billion times;
"How would you feel if that was you?"
She always replies "I don't know. It's not me."
DD's every thought is about herself.

What puzzles me about DD, and OP is that despite being unable to understand how their actions or words, or how even a particular situation effects others, they absolutely expect others to understand their situation, their actions and their words.

I don't understand how you can live your life expecting a level of understanding from others that you don't understand yourself. 😕
EG: If you understand you don't want to be stolen from, how can you not understand that other people don't want to be stolen from? 🤔

It makes more sense to me that if you don't understand others feelings, then you wouldn't expect them to understand yours, yet like with my DD, OP expects everyone here to understand her feelings whilst simultaneously having no understanding of her friends feelings.

This blows my mind.

Can anyone explain? I might find an explanation helpful with my DD too.

You can't take out the cleaning without creating a false equivalence. The OP isn't taking £40 off her friend she is preventing her friend earning it. The money never 'belonged' to the friend. It belongs to the clients who will pay it in return for cleaning the friend will no longer have to do (leaving her free to find other clients if she wishes, and good cleaners find work easily enough.)
In the real world, few people are going to pay a stranger for work they could pay their child for. The OP is a disabled woman with restrictions on where and when she can work. Her mother and understanding neighbour may be amongst a small pool of people who would pay a cleaner who needed regular sit downs and was prone to incontinence episodes, so this may represent the OPs only realistic chance of earning.
Its very easy to say the OP should have turned down their offers to employ her instead of her friend, but she needs the money and her options to earn it are limited in a way her friends are not.
If I were the friend I'd be annoyed about losing the neighbour, but it wouldn't cross my mind to think I'd keep the mother when the OP wanted the job.

So rightly or wrongly. You didn’t know what you were doing. You just felt that you needed to do it.

lets assume this is true, what do you want from this thread?

looks to me like you are shocked she actually spoke to you about the issue. You hoped to do it and her just accept it. Now want MN to make you feel better about it.

@xprincessxjanetx PIP is not paid as per the conditions someone is suffering from but rather, it is paid because of the difficulties those conditions cause.
Often claims are turned down because the claimant has failed to understand the information that the questions are asking for and not giving enough info.
If you aren't aware, there is a PIP Self Test here on the Benefits and work website. There is also a forum where you can ask questions, it costs iro £15 - £20 membership to be able to post on the forum but it is free to read, you might get some helpful info there. ( The membership fee also allows you to access written resources and stuff but i have no knowledge of what precisely that might entail, so I can't personally recommend it, though forum users often say it was all very helpful. )

I do actually think this is a really difficult situation with your mum as I may use family members above someone else for work, but the fact the original cleaner was your friend so it just seems so unkind, fair enough doing your mums cleaning but you should have said no to the neighbour.

DH does private accountancy work and there have been 3 friends who have stopped using him to use family, we were fine with it to an extent but obv it was disappointing as DH had been loyal, supported their businesses and they were supposedly friends, however all 3 friends were meant to be getting the same service for free from their family members. 2 out of the 3 came back a year later as the service provided wasn't what they were promised and both ended up with fines. The 3rd is often messaging requesting free advice and asking DH to do things (expected for free) as the person they use isn't qualified and basically makes do to get the accounts done but is inexperienced. He charged these friends a quarter of the market rate so they soon realised what they were missing out on.

Lol.

70% agreeing with you is nowhere near everyone and most of the posters berating the OP sound like ignorant Daily Fail readers.

As Maths isn’t your strong point, maybe you got an A+ for being bitchy?

It is often the way that employing family goes pear shaped very quickly. Cleaning requires a certain level of physical fitness that Op has admitted she doesn't have. She also has ADHD which doesn't lend itself to planning, order and sequence. All those things are essential in cleaning someone else's house when you are being paid cold, hard cash for it. Ops mum may put up with / accomodate her daughters needs and issues but the ndn may tire of it very quickly.

Seizures is one thing but if you can get the bus unaccompanied I assume they are under some sort of control. I often shit myself at work. Not nice but equally not the end of the world. I’ve been open and honest about my disease and if anyone has something to say they should try living with it. The seizures are a different story but I’d hardly think shitting yourself on the bus is a defence for this. You poached your friends clients, you need to declare the work regardless of why you think you are allowed to do. Imagine you are wrong, friend reports you and you end up owing thousands.

What?! What an extraordinary thread! Of course YANBU! This is your mum and your friend only had the jobs in the first place because of you. That said, I’m not so sure a paid working relationship between mother and daughter is ideal, but I suppose every family is different.