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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh says I've broken the system, I think it was already broken

182 replies

comingupmum · 19/01/2023 14:57

We had our first child 3 years ago and at the time dh worked 8am-5pm 5 days a week, he then got a new job when our oldest was 6 months old that was 8am-4pm. It was nice having him home earlier, and sometimes he could go to the driving range or the gym and still get home at what was his 'regular time' of about 5.30pm. This was fine, worked for everyone. Over time it became a bit of an inside joke I guess where if I needed him home ASAP that night I'd text him "rush day". Just if I wasn't feeling well, or had a hard day with our eldest and needed a break etc. It wasn't often. Sometimes if he wanted to go the gym that night he'd text me the same thing, "rush day?" And I'd say no go ahead etc.

Well that baby is now 3 years old and I'm 37 weeks pregnant and it's safe to say what started out as a sort of inside joke I feel he completely takes the piss out of me with. He gradually started going to the gym, range, to see friends etc every single night, sometimes just to the shops etc. He was literally never coming home at 4pm when he finished unless I specifically text him that it was a rush day. If I ever mentioned it he would say "you didn't say it was a rush day, if you say rush day I'm here and you know it" as if it made it ok. He would say "I should still be at work anyway so it's irrelevant", well you've been in this new job for years now and you finish at 4, so no, you shouldn't still be at work that was your old job. Your old job is what's irrelevant.

Throughout my pregnancy I've really lost patience with it, I shouldn't have to say "rush day" for him to finish work at 4pm and think right let's go see my family. Why is there always something he'd rather do. So I just started texting rush day everyday, surprise surprise it stopped being fine to text him that and he got pissed off, said I've taken the only free time he gets off him and I've broken a system that worked for years. I said we're about to have a newborn literally any day, I need you to be a dad and a husband and come home after work without me having to specifically request it. Rush day is done. If you want to do something after work a couple of times a week we can arrange it but I'm not only having you come home on time if I text you, that should be the norm. It's become a big thing and it's just so ridiculous and I'm pissed off about it tbh. He can go to the gym or the range once the kids are in bed, it doesn't need to be straight after work leaving me doing all the parenting even longer and sorting dinners etc. The words rush day make my blood boil now.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
SillySausage81 · 23/01/2023 14:50

SaySomethingMan · 21/01/2023 08:40

He should’ve come home directly from work but also, Yabu

Texting him to come home everyday straight from work? Yeah, no wonder he stopped responding. You were the boy who cried wolf.

I’m assuming you’re a sahp. You can come if your husband gets in at 5:30 when you’ve a 3 year old. Most jobs he’d be home around 6, if he did a regular 9-5. I understand his need to decompress before coming home, if he finds his home and job stressful. If he gets in at 5:30, surely there’s more than enough time for you to have time to yourself too? Some people find it hard to come home before going to the gym, etc, so prefer to go straight from work.

Anyway, as pp said, you need a new system that you both think is fair and works.

This definitely reads like it was written by someone who has never looked after a toddler for more than a couple of hours!

Why does HE have an automatic unassailable right to decompress after a work day, but his wife doesn't get any time at all to decompress after spending the same amount of time looking after the child all day, except that SHE doesn't get any breaks whilst he presumably does? How is that in any way fair or reasonable?

Of course every day is "rush day" when you're heavily pregnant whilst looking after a toddler. You're already more exhausted than normal anyway, you can't bend over properly, you can't chase the toddler, every time you need to pick them up it's twice as hard as normal...

You make it sound like OP is being indulgent for wanting her LIFE PARTNER AND THE FATHER OF HER CHILDREN to actually do his fair share with the kids at the busiest time of day instead of relaxing just at the time she needs him most, while she's heavily pregnant and hasn't had a break all day.

I really hope you're not a father or husband... because if you are, with that attitude your wife will be posting on here soon and being advised on divorce lawyers...

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 23/01/2023 16:09

Is there no way the MN algorithms can show that the OP has made a new post to a thread they started? I'm so fed up with coming back to threads where none of the numerous new posts are from the OP. The first and only post on this thread by the OP was 4 days ago - it is her prerogative not to come back to it, of course, but I'm fed up with being alerted that are new posts on a thread I'm watching, most of which add nothing without the OP's extra input. Is there a setting whereby one could be alerted to a new post by the OP, but no-one else? (I don't know, I just thought of that, could it be done technically?)

BankOfDave · 23/01/2023 21:39

BustyLaRoux · 21/01/2023 08:45

OP, I don’t know if you read my story. It was pretty long so fair enough if you didn’t! But I was with a pisstaker too. It destroyed our marriage really. Essentially he felt he was entitled to time for himself whereas the childcare was my job. I had to “book in” with him if I needed him to take the kids to school or pick them up. At weekends if there was a kids party the expectation was it would be me who took them. That’s not to say he wouldn’t take them, but the expectation was that it was my job, not his. And it was a bit like him doing me a favour to take one of his DC to a party.
I tried everything I could to get that man to change. So when people say “you accepted it” Yes, I did but I tried to fight back. It’s not that easy. He was convincing and plausible and I was bitter and angry and resentful and stressed and not very nice to be around a lot of the time.

Please do what you can to redress the balance. His free time isn’t HIS free time! You’re a partnership. He isn’t entitled to free time because he took a job with an earlier finish. You should not need to request he come home to share the chores and be with his family after work. If he wants to go to the gym two or three times a week then fine, agree that jointly as part of a plan. A plan which means you are also entitled to free time. Rid him of this notion that he is “helping” you by coming home. He isn’t doing you a favour. That’s his role as a dad and a husband. It’s not “help”!

I don’t know how receptive he will be. My DH absolutely would shut me down every time and manipulate the conversation into an argument so he could storm off or call me names and say I was unreasonable. Or he’d just derail me by making a completely different point in response (like we didn’t really have a sex life and why wasn’t I bothered about that??!). I wish I had been able to make him see how much damage he was doing. It was too late by the time he realised. Actually I ended up with somebody else. It’s not the ideal way to leave a person! But I warned him over and over “I will leave you one day”. His response was that I was lucky to have him. No one else would put up with me.

As it turns out, that was wrong!

Good for you, sorry you had to go through that.

What’s really pathetic is OP is not asking/expecting much other than a partnership. It’s really quite simple easy things that just shows a total lack of respect if the partner refuses. The fact some men would rather separate than do the very basic is frankly astounding.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 23/01/2023 21:44

that's a good idea - post it in Site Stuff @ mnhq and it may get added to the development list.

AnotherSpare · 23/01/2023 21:48

That's such a good idea for a feature Jaichange! There are so many threads I keep following when I'm only interested to hear an update from the OP rather than everyone else's discussion.

SillySausage81 · 23/01/2023 22:14

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 23/01/2023 16:09

Is there no way the MN algorithms can show that the OP has made a new post to a thread they started? I'm so fed up with coming back to threads where none of the numerous new posts are from the OP. The first and only post on this thread by the OP was 4 days ago - it is her prerogative not to come back to it, of course, but I'm fed up with being alerted that are new posts on a thread I'm watching, most of which add nothing without the OP's extra input. Is there a setting whereby one could be alerted to a new post by the OP, but no-one else? (I don't know, I just thought of that, could it be done technically?)

Mine already does have that feature...? I'm on the website not the app, if that makes a difference...?

Yoppi · 24/01/2023 01:04

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 23/01/2023 16:09

Is there no way the MN algorithms can show that the OP has made a new post to a thread they started? I'm so fed up with coming back to threads where none of the numerous new posts are from the OP. The first and only post on this thread by the OP was 4 days ago - it is her prerogative not to come back to it, of course, but I'm fed up with being alerted that are new posts on a thread I'm watching, most of which add nothing without the OP's extra input. Is there a setting whereby one could be alerted to a new post by the OP, but no-one else? (I don't know, I just thought of that, could it be done technically?)

It already tells me that in my notifications on the mobile site if I'm watching a thread. I get '[OP's username] updated their thread [thread title]'

Maybe it depends if you're using the app?

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