Dh says I've broken the system, I think it was already broken

[comingupmum]

We had our first child 3 years ago and at the time dh worked 8am-5pm 5 days a week, he then got a new job when our oldest was 6 months old that was 8am-4pm. It was nice having him home earlier, and sometimes he could go to the driving range or the gym and still get home at what was his 'regular time' of about 5.30pm. This was fine, worked for everyone. Over time it became a bit of an inside joke I guess where if I needed him home ASAP that night I'd text him "rush day". Just if I wasn't feeling well, or had a hard day with our eldest and needed a break etc. It wasn't often. Sometimes if he wanted to go the gym that night he'd text me the same thing, "rush day?" And I'd say no go ahead etc.

Well that baby is now 3 years old and I'm 37 weeks pregnant and it's safe to say what started out as a sort of inside joke I feel he completely takes the piss out of me with. He gradually started going to the gym, range, to see friends etc every single night, sometimes just to the shops etc. He was literally never coming home at 4pm when he finished unless I specifically text him that it was a rush day. If I ever mentioned it he would say "you didn't say it was a rush day, if you say rush day I'm here and you know it" as if it made it ok. He would say "I should still be at work anyway so it's irrelevant", well you've been in this new job for years now and you finish at 4, so no, you shouldn't still be at work that was your old job. Your old job is what's irrelevant.

Throughout my pregnancy I've really lost patience with it, I shouldn't have to say "rush day" for him to finish work at 4pm and think right let's go see my family. Why is there always something he'd rather do. So I just started texting rush day everyday, surprise surprise it stopped being fine to text him that and he got pissed off, said I've taken the only free time he gets off him and I've broken a system that worked for years. I said we're about to have a newborn literally any day, I need you to be a dad and a husband and come home after work without me having to specifically request it. Rush day is done. If you want to do something after work a couple of times a week we can arrange it but I'm not only having you come home on time if I text you, that should be the norm. It's become a big thing and it's just so ridiculous and I'm pissed off about it tbh. He can go to the gym or the range once the kids are in bed, it doesn't need to be straight after work leaving me doing all the parenting even longer and sorting dinners etc. The words rush day make my blood boil now.

AIBU?!

You both need to sit down and figure it out. This became your new normal so that his normal time for getting home was 5:30pm rather than 4pm.

I have three kids so I know how important it is to have help in the early evening, especially when about to have a baby any time.

Rather than get angry and resentful with each other you need to communicate and also, if you want some free time to pursue your own interests that should also be on the schedule. Both of you are working hard to build your family and now you are transitioning to a second child you both need to appreciate things will change again. Everyone needs a break from being at home, men and women. When do the two of you regularly do something fun without kids? That may be what is missing here, if you are not having time to connect and just be the two of you. It’s when misunderstandings and resentments can build.

It doesn't look like OP is coming back to enlighten anyone about the set up so everyone is arguing with insufficient information.

YANBU. He's taking advantage. Ridiculous of him to try to put the blame on you. The party's over. Time to come home and be an adult, now! 🙄

YANBU. Equal free time for both of you. My DH plays sport one night a week, and pub once or twice a month. Gigs once every couple of months. I’m less regular with my nights out but I ‘build them up’ so to speak and then use them for friends birthdays etc. he is taking the mick.

You need a new system, if either of you want to piss around doing nothing much text 'relax day' and see how the other reacts. Make sure you get as many as he does.

Having a second parent come home everyday at 4pm will have been lovely and once you have got used to it hard to give up I can see that.

This too will pass. It is tough when the kids are young. I will say living with a disgruntled partner who doesn't every get any time to themselves will also be shit.

I did everything when the kids were tiny and my husband carried on with his work and his hobbies his life didnt change much.

Now he still has to work as hard but our kids are grown and barely need me now so now it is my time and it is easy peasy. Swings and roundabouts.

What about suggesting a deal where he comes home early for sure 2 nights a week and on those nights you get to literally walk straight out the door and do whatever you want. Then 2 nights a week let him go gym or golf or whatever. Then one night a week you guys can battle the home front together.

This way hopefully you'll both be happier and with luck will stay married.

Tell him you haven't broken the system, you have adapted it. For the foreseeable future, he needs to assume that every day is a rush day unless you mutually agree otherwise.

what abellend

youve even said he can do it after the dc is in bed and hes still not happy-youre taking all his free time are you-when is your free time?

You need to stop this silly Rush Day texting. That phrase implies that he is only needed at home in some sort of emergency. The Seventh Cavalry marches in to save the day because the little woman can't handle things.

Sit him down and tell him he's a selfish, entitled piece of shite and that the piss taking stops immediately. Nobody gets 'time off' any more. The change from one child to child plus baby is so hard. He hasn't even seen what parenting one baby is like because he has managed to shirk all of it.

And 'time off' - what's that all about? Time Off being with the woman you love, honour, and cherish and the baby you brought into being? If the company of your wife and the chance to see your own child every day isn't something you value, then at least have the decency to say so and make other domestic arrangements.

Tell him to piss or get off the pot.

Sit him down and tell him he's a selfish, entitled piece of shite

Ah yes, the Will Smith school of diplomacy. That'll go well.

⬆️ This! He's being a dick. You're gonna have 3 kids very soon.

YANBU, when my children were small, the hardest part of the day was 4 pm - 7 pm.

Tell him to grow up and be a proper DH and father. What an entitled arrogant arse he is.

No one should need a "system" to tell them to come home occasionally and parent their own child. This is why having a child breaks so many couples up because their lives don't change and we give up every thing. The being taken for granted and the assumption that they can still have it all any time they want while we are home knee deep in nappies and trying to cook dinner with a toddler tantruming at your feet desperately wanting 5 mins to shower.

Then they play the victim when you need them to come home occasionally.

My ex was like this for a while when I had dd1 ( 16 years ago) was out every night. Sometimes til the early hours of the morning. I didnt get a hot meal for weeks because I was attempting and failing to breast feed which meant she was feeding basically all day and I couldn't put her down long enough to cook. I lived off tuna salad because that would not burn her head of I dropped it on her face while I attempted to feed her and eat something myself.

But I.was apparently the problem. Summoning him home every night. By summoning , I mean asking if he was planning on coming home at all because if he says leaving in half an hour at 8pm and then is still out at 2am im gonna worry. All I did was ask him to let me know if it was gonna be a late one so I knew not to worry if hes still not home by 4.

They dont get it. And all u get is DARVO.

Of course u can force them to come home by tasking evening shifts but expect to be made ti feel your job is a huge inconvenience to everyone else

It's not about the exact time he comes home, it's about the disrespect he shows by grabbing his own leisure time befóre checking in on his family. YANBU (My own DH rarely was home before 8 p.m. but he really worked that long.) I agree on what you told your husband, he should change the hours with his friends to a later time when the children are in bed, and once the new baby is born even postpone all of his outings temporarily.

THe old system wasn’t working anymore as he was taking advantage (AKA taking the piss) . Systems need updated regularly to ensure they keep working.

I am going to assume that he took the other job, which ended at 4pm, when your eldest was 6 months old, in order for those hours to be better suited to having a baby at home. So more family friendly.

But he is now saying its so he has 'free time'.

YANBU. The system worked well, but its now broken because he has abused it. You are right, in that his first priority should be coming home straight after work, to help with family stuff. With the occasional day, even a couple times a week for gym/golf whatever. Not the other way around.
And certainly you should not be having to actually ask him to come straight home from work as the default!

You are heavily pregnant and with a 3 year old. I imagine by 4pm you are feeling pretty shattered and need him home. Yet hes maoning about having to give up 'his' free time! Thats really shitty.

At this point, given your circumstances, 'free time' should be a luxury, not an expectation.

I hope he sees sense once the new baby is here. He needs to getting home sharpish then, not indulging in himself and the bloody gym. Which he can do, like you say, once your dc is in bed.

He has stated he will definitely be home when you text rush day. So make sure you text rush day at least 3-4 times a week if he wants to keep his bloody system. Although you shouldn't have to! He should be coming home by default.

I'd ask him one question. 'What are your priorities DH?'. And if he says you and the dc (which is the only acceptable answer!). Then tell him 'I rest my case. We shall see you straight after work from now on then, unless otherwise agreed'.

His life sounds lovely. Yours not so much. Yanbu

He has had it easy for too long. My other half finishes mid afternoon as he starts early but he is still straight home after. I am massively grateful for this as if I've had the toddler all day it's nice to hand over and I then get a few bits of housework done. I wouldn't be happy if he was off gallivanting every day because technically he could still be working if he was in another job!

He broke the system by abusing it.

When if your 1.5hrs a day of free time? I say it starts at 6pm everyday when he gets back al come back at 7.30pm so he gets to do the whole bedtime routine as you did the whole dinnertime routine :)

Yes I think it depends on what time he’s getting home whether he’s taking advantage. Like if it is still 5.30 that’s still half an hour to an hour earlier than the dads in the majority of my friendship group. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to want some free time- equally I see your point of view completely that he should want to come home at 4 at least some of the time. I think you need to sit down and agree a new system and try and carve out free time for you too.

It really depends, as 5:30pm isn't that late to be honest. If he's coming home and pulling his weight with the kids/dinner/tidying and ditto at the weekend I don't see it as a big deal. Does he take over with the three year old and give you time to do things you want to do? Is he fully involved in family life at the weekend or is he buggering off to do hobbies?

100% agree with this. ‘Helping’ ??!! They’re his children too! They’re his responsibility as much as they are Mama’s xx

If you work YANBU

If you don't YABU - it's only an hour or so.

I can’t imagine any sane person siding with him over this selfish behaviour.

You should not even have to ASK that he puts his wife and children first, and comes home at 4pm!

You’ve even been reasonable enough to offer a compromise, and talk to work out a day or two a week when he can go out after work!

Put your foot down - this is not acceptable. Also, the schedule you work out is going to include ‘time off’ for you one or two days a week, as well.