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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh says I've broken the system, I think it was already broken

182 replies

comingupmum · 19/01/2023 14:57

We had our first child 3 years ago and at the time dh worked 8am-5pm 5 days a week, he then got a new job when our oldest was 6 months old that was 8am-4pm. It was nice having him home earlier, and sometimes he could go to the driving range or the gym and still get home at what was his 'regular time' of about 5.30pm. This was fine, worked for everyone. Over time it became a bit of an inside joke I guess where if I needed him home ASAP that night I'd text him "rush day". Just if I wasn't feeling well, or had a hard day with our eldest and needed a break etc. It wasn't often. Sometimes if he wanted to go the gym that night he'd text me the same thing, "rush day?" And I'd say no go ahead etc.

Well that baby is now 3 years old and I'm 37 weeks pregnant and it's safe to say what started out as a sort of inside joke I feel he completely takes the piss out of me with. He gradually started going to the gym, range, to see friends etc every single night, sometimes just to the shops etc. He was literally never coming home at 4pm when he finished unless I specifically text him that it was a rush day. If I ever mentioned it he would say "you didn't say it was a rush day, if you say rush day I'm here and you know it" as if it made it ok. He would say "I should still be at work anyway so it's irrelevant", well you've been in this new job for years now and you finish at 4, so no, you shouldn't still be at work that was your old job. Your old job is what's irrelevant.

Throughout my pregnancy I've really lost patience with it, I shouldn't have to say "rush day" for him to finish work at 4pm and think right let's go see my family. Why is there always something he'd rather do. So I just started texting rush day everyday, surprise surprise it stopped being fine to text him that and he got pissed off, said I've taken the only free time he gets off him and I've broken a system that worked for years. I said we're about to have a newborn literally any day, I need you to be a dad and a husband and come home after work without me having to specifically request it. Rush day is done. If you want to do something after work a couple of times a week we can arrange it but I'm not only having you come home on time if I text you, that should be the norm. It's become a big thing and it's just so ridiculous and I'm pissed off about it tbh. He can go to the gym or the range once the kids are in bed, it doesn't need to be straight after work leaving me doing all the parenting even longer and sorting dinners etc. The words rush day make my blood boil now.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
jellycakeandicecream · 21/01/2023 09:04

On a practical level - On days he wants to go to the gym, could he not come home after work, been involved in dinner/bed etc. and go to the gym when they are in bed?

He still gets his free time he seems to crave, but also actually participates in family life…. That’s what the majority of people I know (the gym goers anyway) do.

Or does he want his free time early, so he can then have his evenings free to watch TV etc…. Meaning he wants two lots!

Fivesixseven8 · 21/01/2023 09:37

YANBU. Its a system that needs an update. It might have worked in the past but it's clearly not anymore and he really needs to be open to discussions on working out a new one.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/01/2023 09:47

I actually think it’s fine that he goes to the gym or out for a pint with mates etc.

We don’t have to lose ourselves to parenthood entirely - how miserable would that be?!

BUT

you too op should be afforded the same opportunities to go to the gym etc and have some you time

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/01/2023 09:48

jellycakeandicecream · 21/01/2023 09:04

On a practical level - On days he wants to go to the gym, could he not come home after work, been involved in dinner/bed etc. and go to the gym when they are in bed?

He still gets his free time he seems to crave, but also actually participates in family life…. That’s what the majority of people I know (the gym goers anyway) do.

Or does he want his free time early, so he can then have his evenings free to watch TV etc…. Meaning he wants two lots!

@jellycakeandicecream

everybody craves free time to do what they want

don’t make him out to be unusual for that

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/01/2023 10:01

@Watchamocauli

everybody craves free time to do what they want! It’s not something you grow out of!

don’t make him out to be unusual for that

the only unreasonable bit is if op is getting the same opportunities to have time for herself

whereisthis · 21/01/2023 10:07

He's basically saying that him coming home on time to be a husband and parent is something that should only happen occasionally and by special request

This. YANBU.

Watchamocauli · 21/01/2023 10:11

@LuckySantangelo35 where did I say its not ok. Having a downtime is a must for everyone well being. Read my post again.

to insist that his downtime take priority over family duties is childish.

erehj · 21/01/2023 10:36

When is your "me" time to exercise or relax?

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/01/2023 10:52

erehj · 21/01/2023 10:36

When is your "me" time to exercise or relax?

@comingupmum

exactly! Do you get time for you OP?

Nothing7 · 21/01/2023 11:08

Orangello · 21/01/2023 08:06

What does this have to do with OP's situation? Her DH works 8-4 and she never agreed to do all the work.

Show quote history

i think this post is defending OP and that it isn’t right and saying in her situation both her and her gp husband were aware of the sacrifices when they chose to have children and they muddle through even though it’s hard and both of them share responsibility because they both wanted kids

Scotland32 · 21/01/2023 18:41

RecoIIectionsMayVary · 19/01/2023 15:09

I don't agree, unless you don't get any free time. 5.30 is a good time to get home. He could take over until 7 and you still get a break and decent time together. Or you get a break at the weekend, whatever suits.

But I think parents are better parents and better partners if they have free time. But it has to be both parents that get it.

Agree with this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/01/2023 20:51

I’m assuming you’re a sahp. You can come if your husband gets in at 5:30 when you’ve a 3 year old. Most jobs he’d be home around 6, if he did a regular 9-5. I understand his need to decompress before coming home, if he finds his home and job stressful. If he gets in at 5:30, surely there’s more than enough time for you to have time to yourself too? Some people find it hard to come home before going to the gym, etc, so prefer to go straight from work.

So he needs time to decompress before he does a couple of hours, with help, of what the OP does all day solo. It's OK for her to do about 10 hours of something without breaks, but he needs time off before he does a couple of hours?

Is this another one of those 'it's hard for men but easy for women' things?

SiennaT · 22/01/2023 17:43

Is he having an affair?

extrasushiplease · 22/01/2023 18:09

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/01/2023 15:04

That bit of the day is dreadful. The dinners, end of day grumpiness, the day has dragged on, boredom, have to get things done so you can't go out... He avoids all of it. Clever man.

However when you've had something for a long time, not having it seems like deprivation. He's pushing back. You need to take the passion out of the conversation and say talk properly about what it will be like with two, where your time off is, how many nights a week are fair for both of you.

This is it exactly. Your anger/frustration is justified, but to him, he had a lovely arrangement that probably seems "unfairly" ended. I don't think he once stopped to think of your side. So tell him. Calmly, just matter of factly tell him how your day goes... and goes... and goes... and how you have to reach out to the person who's supposed to be your partner in this just to get the smallest of breaks. Let him know that it's not that you don't respect how important his free time is, but he needs to realize you have none and with no help, and to be married with children means that you need to be a true team.

Especially with a new baby on the way, he must know that life sometimes needs adjusting for certain time periods. Just remind him that you're a human being that needs help and breathing room as much as he does, and if you do this together, it'll be a lot less stressful for everyone. Best of luck and congratulations on your baby!

Aldibag · 23/01/2023 02:01

YANBU

OldFan · 23/01/2023 02:55

YANBU of course OP.

BeachesDiary · 23/01/2023 04:55

SaySomethingMan · 21/01/2023 08:40

He should’ve come home directly from work but also, Yabu

Texting him to come home everyday straight from work? Yeah, no wonder he stopped responding. You were the boy who cried wolf.

I’m assuming you’re a sahp. You can come if your husband gets in at 5:30 when you’ve a 3 year old. Most jobs he’d be home around 6, if he did a regular 9-5. I understand his need to decompress before coming home, if he finds his home and job stressful. If he gets in at 5:30, surely there’s more than enough time for you to have time to yourself too? Some people find it hard to come home before going to the gym, etc, so prefer to go straight from work.

Anyway, as pp said, you need a new system that you both think is fair and works.

I understand his need to decompress before coming home, if he finds his home and job stressful. How many mothers of young children do you imagine get to decompress for a couple of hours before going home from work?

Yoppi · 23/01/2023 05:44

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/01/2023 20:51

I’m assuming you’re a sahp. You can come if your husband gets in at 5:30 when you’ve a 3 year old. Most jobs he’d be home around 6, if he did a regular 9-5. I understand his need to decompress before coming home, if he finds his home and job stressful. If he gets in at 5:30, surely there’s more than enough time for you to have time to yourself too? Some people find it hard to come home before going to the gym, etc, so prefer to go straight from work.

So he needs time to decompress before he does a couple of hours, with help, of what the OP does all day solo. It's OK for her to do about 10 hours of something without breaks, but he needs time off before he does a couple of hours?

Is this another one of those 'it's hard for men but easy for women' things?

This is it entirely.

I've also mentioned this to my DH last week, he would come home and sit on TikTok or read news articles whilst the eldest bounced round the room like a performing monkey, trying to get some attention from dad. The baby would cry, the pet would want to go for a run/feeding but I'd be busy. There would be chaos in the house but he's checked out until he "decompresses". He then started taking longer to come home because I'd bring it upHmm He's had breaks to decompress and journey home!

Unless there was some agreement you'd be stepford wife and perfect mother and he'd just impregnate you and put the dinner on the table, it's not on. Surely he can do the evening routine and then afterwards go for a pint/gym, etc., a couple of times a week? Either that or you take one day a week where you just check out completely for the majority of the day and leave him to do everything.

You need 'me' time too but I don't think you're unreasonable to say it's taking the biscuit every day. He needs to help out when your baby is born, it's a massive change at first.

rwalker · 23/01/2023 06:21

Life with no free time is completely miserable and unhealthy for a relationship

you need to get your not cancel all of his

MissTrip82 · 23/01/2023 06:45

Orangello · 21/01/2023 08:06

What does this have to do with OP's situation? Her DH works 8-4 and she never agreed to do all the work.

Show quote history

It made me laugh darkly as a female doctor……doing all of that and ALSO doing the parenting things bc actually that’s life. Like all the other female drs I know. Weird how it’s only male doctors who can do nothing other than doctoring.

OP those working hours are absolutely GOLDEN for family life he needs to start participating more.

whistledowntheway · 23/01/2023 06:56

comingupmum · 19/01/2023 14:57

We had our first child 3 years ago and at the time dh worked 8am-5pm 5 days a week, he then got a new job when our oldest was 6 months old that was 8am-4pm. It was nice having him home earlier, and sometimes he could go to the driving range or the gym and still get home at what was his 'regular time' of about 5.30pm. This was fine, worked for everyone. Over time it became a bit of an inside joke I guess where if I needed him home ASAP that night I'd text him "rush day". Just if I wasn't feeling well, or had a hard day with our eldest and needed a break etc. It wasn't often. Sometimes if he wanted to go the gym that night he'd text me the same thing, "rush day?" And I'd say no go ahead etc.

Well that baby is now 3 years old and I'm 37 weeks pregnant and it's safe to say what started out as a sort of inside joke I feel he completely takes the piss out of me with. He gradually started going to the gym, range, to see friends etc every single night, sometimes just to the shops etc. He was literally never coming home at 4pm when he finished unless I specifically text him that it was a rush day. If I ever mentioned it he would say "you didn't say it was a rush day, if you say rush day I'm here and you know it" as if it made it ok. He would say "I should still be at work anyway so it's irrelevant", well you've been in this new job for years now and you finish at 4, so no, you shouldn't still be at work that was your old job. Your old job is what's irrelevant.

Throughout my pregnancy I've really lost patience with it, I shouldn't have to say "rush day" for him to finish work at 4pm and think right let's go see my family. Why is there always something he'd rather do. So I just started texting rush day everyday, surprise surprise it stopped being fine to text him that and he got pissed off, said I've taken the only free time he gets off him and I've broken a system that worked for years. I said we're about to have a newborn literally any day, I need you to be a dad and a husband and come home after work without me having to specifically request it. Rush day is done. If you want to do something after work a couple of times a week we can arrange it but I'm not only having you come home on time if I text you, that should be the norm. It's become a big thing and it's just so ridiculous and I'm pissed off about it tbh. He can go to the gym or the range once the kids are in bed, it doesn't need to be straight after work leaving me doing all the parenting even longer and sorting dinners etc. The words rush day make my blood boil now.

AIBU?!

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I'd be furious! Do you ever get any time to yourself OP? Best wishes with the birth x

Nudity · 23/01/2023 06:57

Tell him from now on you’ll total up his free time after work and take that many hours on the weekend. Seeing as he finds his time so beneficial I’m sure he won’t complain if you want your time too.

Odile13 · 23/01/2023 07:03

YANBU. He is being really selfish.

RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 23/01/2023 11:54

Changed my mind.

YABU OP for everything, ever, but mainly for starting a thread and not returning.

neverbeenskiing · 23/01/2023 12:38

He means you've broken a system that's worked for him for years.

I'm not surprised he's upset, what's quote, something like "when you're used to privilege, equality feels like oppression"? He's been onto a cushy number, with you being the default parent, for so long that this is his normal and he doesn't even see the inherent unfairness. It needs to be pointed out to him clearly and calmly; the system doesn't "work" unless it allows both parents equal child-free time.

You need a new system that gives you both some downtime. But he also needs to understand that it's not necessarily reasonable to expect the same level of downtime when you go from one child to two. It's not fair for your parenting responsibility and mental load to double while his life stays the same.