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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh says I've broken the system, I think it was already broken

182 replies

comingupmum · 19/01/2023 14:57

We had our first child 3 years ago and at the time dh worked 8am-5pm 5 days a week, he then got a new job when our oldest was 6 months old that was 8am-4pm. It was nice having him home earlier, and sometimes he could go to the driving range or the gym and still get home at what was his 'regular time' of about 5.30pm. This was fine, worked for everyone. Over time it became a bit of an inside joke I guess where if I needed him home ASAP that night I'd text him "rush day". Just if I wasn't feeling well, or had a hard day with our eldest and needed a break etc. It wasn't often. Sometimes if he wanted to go the gym that night he'd text me the same thing, "rush day?" And I'd say no go ahead etc.

Well that baby is now 3 years old and I'm 37 weeks pregnant and it's safe to say what started out as a sort of inside joke I feel he completely takes the piss out of me with. He gradually started going to the gym, range, to see friends etc every single night, sometimes just to the shops etc. He was literally never coming home at 4pm when he finished unless I specifically text him that it was a rush day. If I ever mentioned it he would say "you didn't say it was a rush day, if you say rush day I'm here and you know it" as if it made it ok. He would say "I should still be at work anyway so it's irrelevant", well you've been in this new job for years now and you finish at 4, so no, you shouldn't still be at work that was your old job. Your old job is what's irrelevant.

Throughout my pregnancy I've really lost patience with it, I shouldn't have to say "rush day" for him to finish work at 4pm and think right let's go see my family. Why is there always something he'd rather do. So I just started texting rush day everyday, surprise surprise it stopped being fine to text him that and he got pissed off, said I've taken the only free time he gets off him and I've broken a system that worked for years. I said we're about to have a newborn literally any day, I need you to be a dad and a husband and come home after work without me having to specifically request it. Rush day is done. If you want to do something after work a couple of times a week we can arrange it but I'm not only having you come home on time if I text you, that should be the norm. It's become a big thing and it's just so ridiculous and I'm pissed off about it tbh. He can go to the gym or the range once the kids are in bed, it doesn't need to be straight after work leaving me doing all the parenting even longer and sorting dinners etc. The words rush day make my blood boil now.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
Motelschmotel · 19/01/2023 16:23

In the olden days, men like this were the type to say they'd "given" their wives children. Like they'd done these women a favour, and having deposited their sperm inside her they considered their work done.

Your DH needs to understand that his children and wife come before his time off. Period. You're about to enter probably the toughest time of parenthood, toddler and newborn. Nobody will be having free time. He's living in cloud cuckoo land.

amonsteronthehill · 19/01/2023 16:25

You've taken his only bit of free time? When's yours?

Ask him.

YANBU. AT all.

Justasec321 · 19/01/2023 16:25

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/01/2023 15:04

That bit of the day is dreadful. The dinners, end of day grumpiness, the day has dragged on, boredom, have to get things done so you can't go out... He avoids all of it. Clever man.

However when you've had something for a long time, not having it seems like deprivation. He's pushing back. You need to take the passion out of the conversation and say talk properly about what it will be like with two, where your time off is, how many nights a week are fair for both of you.

This....

PeppermintChoc · 19/01/2023 16:27

I would suggest sharing the free-time. Me and my husband used to take turns to do something in the evening, or atleast have the opportunity. Sometimes life got in the way, but in the main it worked well.

Usergjdksndjsn · 19/01/2023 16:28

so a few nights a week he got an hour to do an activity alone or with friends?
the only way he was NBU is if that happened 3-4 days a week and then the other 3-4 days a week he came home at the correct time and you got an hour or so too. Perhaps you can suggest going back to his old system, you also get 3-4 outings a week too.

Unforgettablefire · 19/01/2023 16:28

Tinkerbyebye · 19/01/2023 15:01

YANBU. When he says it’s his only free time ask him when yours is

personally I would be waiting for him to get home, then say just going for my free time and leave the kids to him

This. And leave him to make his own tea.

OnTheRoadAgain1 · 19/01/2023 16:38

Watchkeys · 19/01/2023 15:31

Was this meant to be funny? It's such a sweeping generalisation and so out of proportion. Quite a ridiculous comment.

OP, I think you're still trying to operate within an old system. If you were able to talk about instigating 'rush day' originally, a new conversation is needed now. It does sound like he's taking the piss and I'm not surprised it's getting on your nerves, but really what's failing at the moment is communication and understanding. From both of you.

Tell him what you want and need. Listen to what he wants and needs. Try to find a compromise. If you can't, this issue is a symptom, rather than the problem.

Show quote history

Agree.

JudgeRudy · 19/01/2023 16:45

YANBU to be P'd off but maybe you were a bit naive to think he would automatically get it'. You've now explained things so I suggest going forward his default setting is to come home when he finishes work and participate in family life. Set up a new system, agree how much non family time each of you will get and plan it in. If he chooses to spend 3 hours on a Weds after work he can. You might choose yours Saturday morning (or 3 till 6am!). Going forward ensure that he isn't under the impression that 'taking the baby' or ' getting up last night' or 'doing the washing up' is somehow earning him privileges

SillySausage81 · 19/01/2023 16:47

When is YOUR FREE TIME???!!

Why does he think he is automatically entitled to free time every single day unless an exceptional circumstance arises, when you're not?

Seriously. Ask him. Use those very words. WHY DOES HE GET FREE TIME AND YOU DON'T???!!!!!

Of course every day is rush day when you're pregnant with a toddler! You're more exhausted than normal. And when the new baby arises it will be even more rush day every day.

Really, he ought to be coming home straight away three-four times a week to facilitate YOU pissing off for an hour or two, so you can get some of your own free time before the baby arrives and it becomes impossible.

Soothsayer1 · 19/01/2023 16:47

Cakeandcoffee93 · 19/01/2023 14:59

Your right he’s taken the piss absoloutely. Why doesn’t he want to come home at 4? Where’s your freedom??? Why are men like this ? They expect the woman to do everything it’s bull shit!!

in the main men want children because it boosts their status in the eyes of other people, it makes them look strong stable capable etc
they expect women to do the boring relentless work of caring for them, and to take the hit in terms of loss of freedom, earning potential, health, sleep, free time
Him Tarzan gets all the glory, increases his status
you Jane, do the work, become a lesser person

ferntwist · 19/01/2023 16:52

YANBU. Agree with everyone else who says 4-7pm is the toughest part of the day. He needs to make sure he’s there and then he can do whatever he likes later, as long as you also get your free time too

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 19/01/2023 16:53

You haven’t broken the system - he has. And he needs to know it. It takes two to make a baby and you need his support now. Tell him the agreement is off and he needs to come home and do his fair share - he shouldn’t be coming straight home from work by request.

tillytown · 19/01/2023 16:56

I'm amazed it's taken you this long to call out his selfishness. Have you asked him why he is actively avoiding spending time with his child? Or why he thinks a husband and father gets free time but a wife and mother doesn't

HomemadePickle · 19/01/2023 16:59

So you’re going to tell us you have 10 hours free time - child and chore free - at the weekend? Right? This sounds like a horrendous set up and will only become worse with baby number 2.

my DH used to come home from work 10pm onwards every night until covid (corporate law - 16 hr + days) and I raised the kids solo Mon - Fri. However, I could freely and frequently book a babysitter if I wanted to go out on a weeknight (none of this hoping he’d come home in time like other friends) and I barely lifted a finger at weekends. Plus we had a cleaner 2x week.

BunchHarman · 19/01/2023 17:07

Selfish cunt.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 19/01/2023 17:14

Get a shared calendar and fill it in. It heads off a lot of clashes. Otherwise he's going to have to be more proactive in communicating instead of him intrepreting you not texting him as an excuse to slope off and do his own thing (he's not a teenager with endless free time).

WallaceinAnderland · 19/01/2023 17:29

Just text him 'rush day' at 9am every day and he'll soon be willing to discuss and compromise.

SeatonCarew · 19/01/2023 17:31

I've read four pages of this thread, and I'm sorry, but am I the only person wondering if he's actually where he says he is? Sorry OP, I don't want to upset you, but do you know where he is at these times?

And no, YADNBU.

RecoIIectionsMayVary · 19/01/2023 17:34

Kennykenkencat · 19/01/2023 15:47

You do realise with a 3 year old you don’t have any free time.

I think that is a given

And with 2 soon to be here then there is going to be no free time for op on the horizon.

If he is choosing friends over family each night then you can at least give yourself some free time by divorce and shared care. That way you will get 3 or 4 days where you don’t have to do anything but he will lose those 3 or 4 evening per week (1 day at the weekend) that he thinks are his to do anything he wants.

Show quote history

And herein lies the problem
Of course she can have free time. If she is capable of looking after two children all day on her own sure as hell he is.

But women martyr themselves, parents should both have equal time to prioritise themselves. There is nothing wrong with a man realising this, but everything wrong if he does not care if she gets the same.

copperbop · 19/01/2023 17:48

Going from 1 to 2 kids is a shock. No-one gets a break any more (not quite true - but so much less than is possible with just one kid). So, yeah, he’d be doing well to get practising now, what with only 3 weeks to go!

kateandme · 19/01/2023 17:51

i no we only here about this kind of manbaby when there is a problem( hence posting) but really? what the fuck is wrong with them?

70sShmeventies · 19/01/2023 17:52

FFS! It’s this sort of total bullshit that has me hating men sometimes. So selfish and entitled and blind to the hypocrisy of it all.

Aaaaaahhhhh!

pilates · 19/01/2023 17:55

He broke the system by taking the piss.

When is your free time?

SomethingOriginal2 · 19/01/2023 18:20

YANBU HE broke the system. When do you get to do your hobbies/have time away from parenting?

HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 19/01/2023 18:28

It’s only ok if you get an hour and a half to yourself each day too