Dh says I've broken the system, I think it was already broken

[comingupmum]

We had our first child 3 years ago and at the time dh worked 8am-5pm 5 days a week, he then got a new job when our oldest was 6 months old that was 8am-4pm. It was nice having him home earlier, and sometimes he could go to the driving range or the gym and still get home at what was his 'regular time' of about 5.30pm. This was fine, worked for everyone. Over time it became a bit of an inside joke I guess where if I needed him home ASAP that night I'd text him "rush day". Just if I wasn't feeling well, or had a hard day with our eldest and needed a break etc. It wasn't often. Sometimes if he wanted to go the gym that night he'd text me the same thing, "rush day?" And I'd say no go ahead etc.

Well that baby is now 3 years old and I'm 37 weeks pregnant and it's safe to say what started out as a sort of inside joke I feel he completely takes the piss out of me with. He gradually started going to the gym, range, to see friends etc every single night, sometimes just to the shops etc. He was literally never coming home at 4pm when he finished unless I specifically text him that it was a rush day. If I ever mentioned it he would say "you didn't say it was a rush day, if you say rush day I'm here and you know it" as if it made it ok. He would say "I should still be at work anyway so it's irrelevant", well you've been in this new job for years now and you finish at 4, so no, you shouldn't still be at work that was your old job. Your old job is what's irrelevant.

Throughout my pregnancy I've really lost patience with it, I shouldn't have to say "rush day" for him to finish work at 4pm and think right let's go see my family. Why is there always something he'd rather do. So I just started texting rush day everyday, surprise surprise it stopped being fine to text him that and he got pissed off, said I've taken the only free time he gets off him and I've broken a system that worked for years. I said we're about to have a newborn literally any day, I need you to be a dad and a husband and come home after work without me having to specifically request it. Rush day is done. If you want to do something after work a couple of times a week we can arrange it but I'm not only having you come home on time if I text you, that should be the norm. It's become a big thing and it's just so ridiculous and I'm pissed off about it tbh. He can go to the gym or the range once the kids are in bed, it doesn't need to be straight after work leaving me doing all the parenting even longer and sorting dinners etc. The words rush day make my blood boil now.

AIBU?!

You haven't said anything about you. Are you working, FT, PT, does your child go to nursery.

Do you get not one but of time for yourself ever during the week?

I agree that you need a new system. Both of you should have free time.

Definitely YANBU

yanbu

how does he facilitate you having child-free down time?

@MrsTerryPratchett erm nursery, pre-school??

His behaviour isn't reasonable, but neither are the suggestions that you simply demand he comes straight home every day. It is quite easy to see where that could go - he flatly refuses to comply and comes and goes as he pleases, you post another thread, and the same posters call him a pr*ck and advise you to LTB.

Since the old system has stopped being used fairly by either of you, then you need a new one.

I think you should be agreeing a fair schedule where he takes a couple of hours to himself on pre-planned days and you cope whether it was a bad day or not, and in turn he comes straight home on an equal number of planned days, and you have some time to yourself to go out, spend an hour in the bath with your headphones on, or whatever else you want to do I'm self-care / me time.

I don't believe OP never gets any free time away from either her child or her husband.

YANBU
what a piss taker he is.

Yes but she's about to have their second baby.

Will she still have to beg for him to actually come home every day instead of it being a given - even after she gives birth?

YANBU Infact I am fuming on your behalf!
What an absolute piss taker

You are married to a man who has no sense of commitment to you, and whose priority is his own fun and gratification. He has no sense of responsibility to you or to his child. He is selfish to the core, and he is immature to boot. He's not a partner to you in any way and appears to begrudge time spent at home with you and his growing family.

Quite honestly, what does he bring to the family? How different would your life be as a divorced mother of two, parenting single handedly?

Do you have parents, or does he have parents, who could give him the very painful kick in the backside that he so clearly needs? Someone needs to tear rashers off him.

To be fair, it is breaking the old system. But systems need to torn down and rebuilt every now and then as the family situation changes. What works at one time doesn't work at another. So I think you should both figure out what a new system is, because maybe he doesn't realise you would be okay with him going to the range or the gym later in the evening would be OK. You really need to discuss it and figure out where everyone can compromise and agree.

New System.

It's always assumed he's coming home unless you've texted during the day to say aliens have been and abducted your 2 young kids.

And the basis for that belief is...? Are you psychic?

Well, we can find out. OP?

From what I see around me. Most men don't enjoy family work/family time. Sounds like you married and reproduced with one of them.

YANBU, he's being selfish and shirking his responsibilities!

"he got pissed off, said I've taken the only free time he gets off him"
If you are the father of a toddler and about to have a newborn you don't get to have free time, you step up and take your parenting responsibilities seriously.

It's reasonable for him to have a few times a week to do something after work for himself. But that should be balanced by the other evenings him coming straight home so that you can also do something for yourself a few times a week. Regardless, you are about to give birth and he should be around as much as possible!

I'm fairly ok with OH going to gym straight after work, even it is getting a lot more frequent. It is then the 20 minute task which must be completed between gym and going home that drives me up the wall.

He should WANT to come home not be asked to be home.

Agree with this.

Technically he’s broken the system by abusing it.

I think he's being really unfair, but also think that arguing with him about who is right isn't going to get you what you want.

I think you need to sit down together and make a new system before the baby gets here. For the first month after the baby's born I would say he needs to be home after work to help every day. He needs to be present and supporting his growing family.

After you're more settled with the two children maybe it could be something like he gets two (maybe three) evening passes a week to get some free time, but also that you get the same amount of free time too - maybe he always takes the kids out on a Saturday morning so that you can rest or go out. Obviously exactly how this is going to work depends on how you want your free time to look.

You should both be getting roughly the same amount of free time, otherwise you're going to end up resentful.

Tell him to grow the fuck up and come home on time to share the burden of parenthood. His free time is after the kids are fed, bathed and in bed.

YANBU. He is essentially opting out of parenting at a really hard time of day and enjoying leisure time instead. And it’s about to get harder with a newborn. What a lovely 3 years he has had. When do you get leisure time? Does he help
out with other aspects of parenting or managing the home?

You need to sit down and sort this out before the baby arrives. He needs to
accept that it was nice while it lasted but life is about to change again with a new baby, and so the system needs to change.

He's broken the system, he needs to grow the fuck up and parent his kids

When is your free time? Why would he rather avoid his children and not do stuff after they’ve gone to bed? He’s checked out, has an awesome life and potters around and sees you and the kids for an hour or so a day like he’s in the 1950’s. Do you gain any benefits from being with him? Well done for raising it. Maybe sit down and say he can have 2 nights a week if you also get 2 nights a week. And make sure yours are also the same time so 4pm when the kids are still up. He doesn’t get to avoid parenting and then your free time is after bed