Dh says I've broken the system, I think it was already broken

[comingupmum]

We had our first child 3 years ago and at the time dh worked 8am-5pm 5 days a week, he then got a new job when our oldest was 6 months old that was 8am-4pm. It was nice having him home earlier, and sometimes he could go to the driving range or the gym and still get home at what was his 'regular time' of about 5.30pm. This was fine, worked for everyone. Over time it became a bit of an inside joke I guess where if I needed him home ASAP that night I'd text him "rush day". Just if I wasn't feeling well, or had a hard day with our eldest and needed a break etc. It wasn't often. Sometimes if he wanted to go the gym that night he'd text me the same thing, "rush day?" And I'd say no go ahead etc.

Well that baby is now 3 years old and I'm 37 weeks pregnant and it's safe to say what started out as a sort of inside joke I feel he completely takes the piss out of me with. He gradually started going to the gym, range, to see friends etc every single night, sometimes just to the shops etc. He was literally never coming home at 4pm when he finished unless I specifically text him that it was a rush day. If I ever mentioned it he would say "you didn't say it was a rush day, if you say rush day I'm here and you know it" as if it made it ok. He would say "I should still be at work anyway so it's irrelevant", well you've been in this new job for years now and you finish at 4, so no, you shouldn't still be at work that was your old job. Your old job is what's irrelevant.

Throughout my pregnancy I've really lost patience with it, I shouldn't have to say "rush day" for him to finish work at 4pm and think right let's go see my family. Why is there always something he'd rather do. So I just started texting rush day everyday, surprise surprise it stopped being fine to text him that and he got pissed off, said I've taken the only free time he gets off him and I've broken a system that worked for years. I said we're about to have a newborn literally any day, I need you to be a dad and a husband and come home after work without me having to specifically request it. Rush day is done. If you want to do something after work a couple of times a week we can arrange it but I'm not only having you come home on time if I text you, that should be the norm. It's become a big thing and it's just so ridiculous and I'm pissed off about it tbh. He can go to the gym or the range once the kids are in bed, it doesn't need to be straight after work leaving me doing all the parenting even longer and sorting dinners etc. The words rush day make my blood boil now.

AIBU?!

How old is your DH? He sounds like a teenager who needs free time after a school day. Ask him to grow up. Choose a hobby take time once or twice a week and be a family man rest of the time

Your husband is behaving like a child, he needs to grow up and take responsibility.

YANBU. Tell him that you need help because you are heavily pregnant and that he needs to be home. Personally I think him going out once a week is sufficient. And then you need to adapt the ‘system’ so that you get to go out too. I kicked out my selfish ex.

That would make my blood boil, maybe not started as piss taking and has got into such a habit that it’s become his norm but the system is broken unless OP is getting free time also.
I would change the “rush time” text to “my turn” then let him get home and handover the kids and jace some much deserved time to yourself

Yanbu. Why does he not want to come home? Is it because he’s expected to parent?

We had three children in 2.5 years. My DH was a doctor and I took a career break of 7 years. My DH went to work at 8 and finished surgery at 7. Alternate nights he was on call so might not get back till 10pm. He worked alternate weekends. We were both very tired and didnt get time to ourselves. Bottom line we decided to have the children, we knew my DHs working hours. If I wanted kids I had to accept I would be doing all the work. By the time the youngest was 4 it was easy... but those initial years were gruelling.

Wow…. what job is he doing that leaves him with this amount of energy to do things after work?! All I can manage is eating, washing, sleeping, repeat 😭

Oh dear OP, this reminds me of my marriage when my DC were young. My DH liked to go to the gym before work. And also after work. When my DD was in nursery he would take her to nursery as it was close to the gym so only two mins drive out of his way. (I would have to get her ready though, obvs!) And then I would take my DS to school. But I’m supposed to start work at 8:30am. School drop off is 8:40 at the earliest! So I would rush my ass off to be at work for 9am (nice flexible boss) but it did mean I forwent my half hour for lunch every day. My DH on the other hand took my DD to nursery for 7am. Was in the gym by 7:15 and at work for 8:30. He of course got his half hour for lunch. It irked a bit because he would come home and complain that he’d had his nice quiet lunch break disturbed when someone came over to talk to him and all he’d wanted to do was read his book! (Great, thanks. I ate at my desk with one hand!)
When my DD was a couple of years older she went to school. I wanted to exercise too but had no time for the gym. So I did HIIT workouts in the lounge starting at 5:30am so I could be done and showered by 6:30am and every morning I would bring my DH a coffee in bed. He would drink the coffee and look at his phone for half an hour while I got the kids ready for school and myself ready for work. I dropped both DC to school while my DH went to the gym. And I used to pick them up from after school activities while my DH went back to the gym after work. Every day. Meaning he would get home at about 6pm. By this time I had cooked dinner and fed the DC and had them in the bath. He come in while we were upstairs and would then start making his packed lunch for the next day and get his gym kit ready for the morning while I did the DCs bath. I would finish and come down to the kitchen and say “oh, you’ve not tidied the kitchen!!” (DC dinner mess still there). He would shrug and say “I didn’t make this mess!”
I had one work meeting per fortnight which meant I had to be across the city start at 7:30am so couldn’t take the DC to school. DH protested. It was ridiculous I was expected to start so early! And why wasn’t there someone else in the team who could do that meeting??! But it wasn’t said out of concern for me. It was because he was annoyed that once a fortnight he missed his morning gym session. (Still got the pm one in though!)
I used to grumble about how unfair this was. He would say “don’t you want me to be fit and healthy? Do you want me to die young???” (I know, seriously???!) or “but I have to start work at 8:30am so it makes no difference if I go to the gym, I can’t take the DC to school for 8:40am anyway!” Or “I used to take DD to nursery! I did my bit!!!”
In his eyes the childcare was just my job. His work was more important than mine. His lunch break was more important than mine. His fitness more important than mine. He was selfish and my attempts to protest had him tell me I was the one being unreasonable. It never got better.

I did divorce him in the end. We share the DC 50/50 now. They’re older so less hard work in many ways. And it’s funny because he complains how little time he has for himself now whereas I seem to have loads more free time than I did!!! I wonder if he clocks the reason why that is…..

@BustyLaRoux I read that hoping you’d divorced him. What a wanker.

I know. It’s amazing what a person will put up with. He was so good at twisting things so his arguments sounded plausible. But his argument was always whatever got him out of doing stuff. And it would change depending on which argument suited him that day.
I remember one day he had a day of annual leave. I was up and getting the DC ready for school. He was drinking his mug off fresh coffee brought to him in bed dutifully by me. I said “might you be able to take the kids to school today please? Seeing as you’ve the day off.” And he was horrified! Replied why would I make him do that? When I was up and dressed anyway. And had to leave the house anyway? Why was I trying to spoil his well earned day off?! The point he made was “I am having a DAY OFF!!!” Oh OK, I said. Sounded kinda fair enough I guess. Maybe he had a point. I suppose I was up and dressed anyway…..
Only then about three weeks later and I had a day of annual leave, but this time he still
expected me to take the DC to school. And I said “but you’re up and dressed. Can’t you take them today?” Again he was indignant. “But,” he protested, “you’ve got the rest of the day to yourself. You can spend the whole day relaxing. I’ve got to spend the day at work!!!” And I thought “oh OK, I suppose he’s got a point. He does have to spend the day working and I don’t….”
So of course I took them. It wasn’t until a few weeks later when I remembered he’d made the exact opposite argument a few weeks earlier!

He never had a set of principles. His principles would just switch and change to whatever suited him. And he always made everything sound plausible. And whenever I disagreed he would make me out to be selfish and uncaring. I don’t know why I stayed as long as I did!

I can’t stand men who see their lives as work and leisure and nothing else. No other responsibilities. No child care, shopping, domestic tasks. These kinds of men treat their wives like their mothers. Kick his arse.

Tell him you want to visit a friend 2 nights a week, or go shopping, or to the gym etc.
or hell just a bath in peace!
men don’t seem to get it. They work all day and think they’re evenings are their own…. We parent all day, then parent all evening, put them to bed, read, get up to night feeds, nightmares etc… then at weekends (our day off) we are up at crack of Dawn. Swimming lessons, football etc…
My husband never did anything with our daughter, he left last year… life is strangely easier only looking after one child and not a man child.

What an awful, entitled attitude your husband has. You seem perfectly reasonable and don't object to him coming home late occasionally. However, he is really taking advantage of a system that was meant to work for both of you - not just him.

I hope things get better for you. It must be so upsetting to feel this way during your pregnancy.

He took a job with fewer hours, that should be a benefit to them all not just him. He already had one child, he's about to have another and he's ot interested in benefitting his family at all with those extra hours except for "well I'M happy". Op doesn't need a random hour when she can go and sit alone in her bedroom because it's too late to go anywhere, she needs help and support looking after Their cranky kids over the hell period, esp with a newborn.

@comingupmum is he taking adequate paternity leave? I'd be making clear my expectations on his social life over that period too

But that was for work, not for him to play golf and go to the gym 7 days a week…

Sorry that was meant to quote the poster talking about the hours a doctor worked

I know he's taking the piss, but that's what you allowed to happen.

The prob is some people will take the piss out of systems whilst others know they can use a system fairly.

So sorry you're with a pisstaker, OP. You need to have a no emotion conversation and be clear on responsibilities. You should both agree when you each get free time to make it fair and you need to take your free time too.

@BustyLaRoux
He sounds awful! I was also reading hoping you divorced him! Well done he didn’t deserve you

This.

What does this have to do with OP's situation? Her DH works 8-4 and she never agreed to do all the work.

YABU.

Rush day will be back once newborn arrives.

Why should the op struggle when her DH is free and available to help, there is plenty of time for his hobbies and being sociable after the DC in bed. One night a week socialising with work colleagues is plenty.

Talk and agree the same amount of free time for you both.

If he insists on doing it straight after work then as soon as he walks in the door then you walk out and leave him to it. Either it’s mutually agreed free time or it’s unilateral agreed time! He can’t have his cake and eat it.

He should’ve come home directly from work but also, Yabu

Texting him to come home everyday straight from work? Yeah, no wonder he stopped responding. You were the boy who cried wolf.

I’m assuming you’re a sahp. You can come if your husband gets in at 5:30 when you’ve a 3 year old. Most jobs he’d be home around 6, if he did a regular 9-5. I understand his need to decompress before coming home, if he finds his home and job stressful. If he gets in at 5:30, surely there’s more than enough time for you to have time to yourself too? Some people find it hard to come home before going to the gym, etc, so prefer to go straight from work.

Anyway, as pp said, you need a new system that you both think is fair and works.

OP, I don’t know if you read my story. It was pretty long so fair enough if you didn’t! But I was with a pisstaker too. It destroyed our marriage really. Essentially he felt he was entitled to time for himself whereas the childcare was my job. I had to “book in” with him if I needed him to take the kids to school or pick them up. At weekends if there was a kids party the expectation was it would be me who took them. That’s not to say he wouldn’t take them, but the expectation was that it was my job, not his. And it was a bit like him doing me a favour to take one of his DC to a party.
I tried everything I could to get that man to change. So when people say “you accepted it” Yes, I did but I tried to fight back. It’s not that easy. He was convincing and plausible and I was bitter and angry and resentful and stressed and not very nice to be around a lot of the time.

Please do what you can to redress the balance. His free time isn’t HIS free time! You’re a partnership. He isn’t entitled to free time because he took a job with an earlier finish. You should not need to request he come home to share the chores and be with his family after work. If he wants to go to the gym two or three times a week then fine, agree that jointly as part of a plan. A plan which means you are also entitled to free time. Rid him of this notion that he is “helping” you by coming home. He isn’t doing you a favour. That’s his role as a dad and a husband. It’s not “help”!

I don’t know how receptive he will be. My DH absolutely would shut me down every time and manipulate the conversation into an argument so he could storm off or call me names and say I was unreasonable. Or he’d just derail me by making a completely different point in response (like we didn’t really have a sex life and why wasn’t I bothered about that??!). I wish I had been able to make him see how much damage he was doing. It was too late by the time he realised. Actually I ended up with somebody else. It’s not the ideal way to leave a person! But I warned him over and over “I will leave you one day”. His response was that I was lucky to have him. No one else would put up with me.

As it turns out, that was wrong!