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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive?

374 replies

Annie802 · 19/01/2023 11:23

My partner has booked us to go see his friends 300 miles away for a big night out as part of his birthday, I’m a new driver and while I’m comfortable on the motorway I haven’t driven further than 30 miles yet. No reason for not doing it I just haven’t needed to and have a very young baby so only recently feel more confident on the roads.

He didn’t ask me to drive , just assumed that I would drive us there even though I’d prefer to get the train. He doesn’t drive so that’s not an option.

As it’s part of his birthday and he booked hotel (I’m on statutory pay on maternity leave and can’t afford it) I thought ok fine I’ll drive.

We had a miscommunication where I thought we were staying two nights, so one day driving up there, we drop off our baby at his parents and then we go to the next town which is another hour-hour and a half away to meet his friends for a big night out. I thought we would have an extra night to relax after and get over any hangover and then I would drive us back.

He now says no he booked one night, and expects me to drive all the way there, drop off baby, go to his friends, have a big night out, then the next day get our baby and drive home!

I’ve never driven that far before and I’m extremely nervous but he doesn’t see the issue at all. I won’t be able to enjoy the night out either as I now have to really watch what I drink, and he goes back to work the day after we get back.

he won’t pay for the train and I can’t afford the train for both of us, and he won’t take a day off extra from work so we can stay two nights to ease the travel time.

AIBU to just say no to this now? Or should I just drive us and do it.

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 19/01/2023 14:22

Tell him to go on his own - then he works out how he gets there and pays for it.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 19/01/2023 14:22

Just tell him your not going - simple
Selfish twat
Big 🚩

LittleOwl153 · 19/01/2023 14:22

So at 20p a mile... (which assumes you drive straight no stopping - which you won't be...) it will cost you £120. So that's a weeks maternity allowance or SMP most likely in fuel. I'd say if you are scrimping by on maternity pay because this idiot won't support you then you can't afford it anyway

And that's before we start on putting a very little baby in a car for 5-8hrs plus 2 days running.

And if his parents think that's a reasonable thing for you to do so that they can see the baby - they need their heads read too...

MsNightingale · 19/01/2023 14:23

For context, I've been driving for 30 years, and am quite happy driving for long trips in the UK and to Europe.

Long trips are tiring, and require concentration. Newly qualified drivers have to concentrate more on the driving itself as the actions have not become second nature, and they are less likely to spot hazards in the environment and respond to them quickly. Add into this the distraction of a baby, and tiredness after a late night and it is not a wise thing to do.

He's asking you to put yourself out by driving, AND you won't be able to drink, AND you will need to make frequent stops to let baby out of the car seat. I'd be telling him to shove it up his arse, personally.

Snazzysausage · 19/01/2023 14:24

Annie802 · 19/01/2023 12:13

He’s now saying he won’t go at all, refusing to get the train. I’ve tried to offer alternatives but he’s refusing.
i was supposed to pay for fuel too

Show quote history

Dear God,get rid. He's a millstone round your neck and your life will be much easier without dead weight.

euff · 19/01/2023 14:25

@Seaweed42

@blackpearwhitelilies a few posts before yours highlighted it's even more than 300 miles each way. 300 miles and then see his parents and leave baby then hour and a half to his friends then a big night out then next day back to parents and pick up baby and drive back home!

"You have another hour to an hour and a half to drive both days ON TOP of the 300 miles. You would be out of your mind, OP. This is absolutely not on. So in fact it's more like a 350-400 mile drive each day. "

Maria1982 · 19/01/2023 14:25

To echo what many others have said - really really No!
my partner and I would have done this, before having baby, if we had to, and splitting the driving between us. I would still find it a slog !

Now we have a baby? No way. we have found it takes almost twice as long to do long journeys, with stopping to feed and change.
please put your foot down and say no.

Lordofmyflies · 19/01/2023 14:26

Sorry OP but he sounds a dick. He wants you to drive for 5-7 hours with a baby in the car, go on a night out, then drive 5-7 hours home and pay fuel for the privilege. The only one vstopping him going is himself.

Nosleepforthismum · 19/01/2023 14:28

Wow, your DP really is a prize arsehole. How old is your baby OP? I’ve just looked to see how far 300 miles is and even Devon to Manchester is only 270 miles. I love driving but I’d be telling my DH to fuck off for even mentioning it. In fact he probably wouldn’t dare ask as anyone with a brain cell knows how unreasonable this request is. Not fair on you and really not fair on the baby (in fact probably dangerous depending on their age) AND he expected you to pay for petrol?? Please raise your standards and dump him. I can’t see him improving in any way and it sounds as though he is utterly selfish in other ways as well. You and your baby deserve WAY better.

Sunnydays0101 · 19/01/2023 14:30

He’s now trying to bully you into caving in and doing what he wants. Don’t give in on this. Don’t offer any more alternatives or mention it, he could get the train and ho himself or book a hotel for two nights - he’s decided not to. Nothing more to discuss.

(300 miles is far too far to drive on one day if you’re a new driver and 30 miles is the furthest you’ve drive in one day - just don’t do it).

HellsCominWithMe · 19/01/2023 14:31

You won’t be able to drink at all op. Driving back the flowing day after a big night out would be a huge risk with tiredness (alcohol exacerbates bad sleep) and any potential alcohol still in your system.

300 miles would be 5/6hrs on the road for a confident driver. Yourself, having maybe only done 1-2hr lessons when learning would probably be feeling exhausted and needing a break 3-4times the entire journey.

the baby will probably need more.

you should tell his parents they can see the baby, becaue you are happy to use the train and stay two nights so not only do they get to baby sit for one night and see baby you’d like to have lunch with them the following day too (even if you cook it at theirs) and it is their son who is refusing to use the train nor have the day off work so he can spend lunch with them because he is too cheap to pay for that 😉

if they ask why you won’t drive tell them and him firmly. You’re a new driver that’s recently had a baby and you’re still healing from that (I had weird niggles and back issues until my baby was 4 months so sitting for long periods was painful) and need more road experience before tackling a motorway in winter conditions with a baby prone to crying fits/cluster feeding whatever is appropriate for your baby

shockthemonkey · 19/01/2023 14:32

Sorry Annie, but your partner is shit and he seems happy to put you and baby in danger.

hatonacat · 19/01/2023 14:33

AnotherNameChangeYes · 19/01/2023 11:46

Well how very easy for him to be pissed when he doesn’t fucking drive! You’re not driver or his maid or his skivvy.

This.

dontleaveitthere · 19/01/2023 14:34

Honestly you have much bigger problems than the drive

There's so much wrong here. Has this thread given you food for thought? Normal caring partners do not behave like this. Don't get me started on how he expects your baby to sit in a car seat for so long. I take it doesn't look after his baby much...

Hope you're okay. It can't be easy getting this unanimous feedback.

VikingsandDragons · 19/01/2023 14:34

I think you're about to see the light on this one, he's a selfish child. He's throwing a strop because you're not making his life more convenient at great inconvenience to you and your child.

hatonacat · 19/01/2023 14:38

Normal caring partners do not behave like this.

No, he is not a keeper.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 19/01/2023 14:38

I would drive 300 miles ( and have done) in one day but I wouldn't do it in reverse the next day and definitely not with a hangover of any description.

He's a tit, OP and you're probably better off without him if this is indicative of the rest of your relationship.

Stay home with the baby, stick him on a coach there and back, jobs a goodun. He can stay with his parents.

Stockcleandemon · 19/01/2023 14:41

OP - he can’t drive so he has no clue what he’s talking about or how unreasonable he’s being .

300 miles is a lot to drive in one go and to return the next day after a night out and sleep deprived with a small baby is asking for trouble .. I’ve been driving over 30 years

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/01/2023 14:42

he doesn’t see the issue at all

Because he's a selfish tosser.

Buy him some driving lessons for his birthday. Or a train ticket.

Also baby cannot stay in a car seat for that long without regular breaks and stretches.

You are inexperienced and you will be really tired. And stressed about the baby. While he will just be, what? Snoozing? Texting mates?

I would not drive that much in two days and I've been driving for 30 years. And I don't have a newborn.

Put your foot down now and say no.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/01/2023 14:44

he won’t pay for the train and I can’t afford the train for both of us, and he won’t take a day off extra from work

It's really all about him, isn't it?

Looks like he won't be going then.

lamaze1 · 19/01/2023 14:44

lamaze1 · 19/01/2023 13:52

Op, with a new baby you'll need to take regular breaks. As others have said you won't be able to drink at home and regardless you'll be even more exhausted than usual.

You've given him the option of getting the train alone. If HE chooses not to go, that is HIS choice. Don't allow him to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

*drink at all

Duchess379 · 19/01/2023 14:49

Tell the CF to learn to drive & take himself on his 300 mile roadtrip. 🙄

henni85 · 19/01/2023 14:50

I often do 600 miles in 2 days. It is bloody draining, even without a night out in the middle! My routine is drive down, crash in hotel, pick up step children, drive back. I also sort childcare for my little kids so I don’t have to worry about a long journey with them. I have been driving 15 years and by the end of the journey I am nearly hallucinating and have to really concentrate

ImBlueDab · 19/01/2023 14:50

So he'll have a lovely long drive home to sleep his hangover off with

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 19/01/2023 14:54

I don't drive. I have Dyspraxia and most likely will never drive.
DH does, and if I'm planning something that involves him driving I always run it past him to make sure he's happy. If not, we get a bus or train.
He should have ran this past you better.