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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive?

374 replies

Annie802 · 19/01/2023 11:23

My partner has booked us to go see his friends 300 miles away for a big night out as part of his birthday, I’m a new driver and while I’m comfortable on the motorway I haven’t driven further than 30 miles yet. No reason for not doing it I just haven’t needed to and have a very young baby so only recently feel more confident on the roads.

He didn’t ask me to drive , just assumed that I would drive us there even though I’d prefer to get the train. He doesn’t drive so that’s not an option.

As it’s part of his birthday and he booked hotel (I’m on statutory pay on maternity leave and can’t afford it) I thought ok fine I’ll drive.

We had a miscommunication where I thought we were staying two nights, so one day driving up there, we drop off our baby at his parents and then we go to the next town which is another hour-hour and a half away to meet his friends for a big night out. I thought we would have an extra night to relax after and get over any hangover and then I would drive us back.

He now says no he booked one night, and expects me to drive all the way there, drop off baby, go to his friends, have a big night out, then the next day get our baby and drive home!

I’ve never driven that far before and I’m extremely nervous but he doesn’t see the issue at all. I won’t be able to enjoy the night out either as I now have to really watch what I drink, and he goes back to work the day after we get back.

he won’t pay for the train and I can’t afford the train for both of us, and he won’t take a day off extra from work so we can stay two nights to ease the travel time.

AIBU to just say no to this now? Or should I just drive us and do it.

OP posts:
GCMM · 19/01/2023 13:58

Obviously it's a hard no to you driving. But also, how old is your baby? Are you ok in leaving her/him all night with people who have never even met him before? That's an equally big concern surely.

SeaToSki · 19/01/2023 13:58

Please please dont give in to his sulking. PLEASE hold your line

Its unreasonable, its likely unsafe (are you getting a full night of sleep or are you up with the baby) its unfair and now it sounds like he is just being unpleasant.

If you give in and drive or pay or plead or allow yourself to feel selfish etc…then you are giving him the power to do exactly this kind of thing again. Please find your own power and sense of self worth. You can tell him NO and feel resolved that you have made the correct decision for you and your LO, can you manage that?

Throwncrumbs · 19/01/2023 13:58

Mosaic123 · 19/01/2023 11:26

He can get the train on his own

Yep! You are just the driver, he’s going to drink and have a great time while you do all the hard work . Let him go in the train on his own and you have a peaceful couple of days with your baby!

AnotherRainyWeek · 19/01/2023 13:59

Experienced driver here who loves driving and I’m also saying no. I would do it alone for work or an emergency but not with a baby . Put your foot down or you will be driving him around for the rest of the relationship. He needs to learn anyway or you’ll be doing all the nursery / school / club stuff in years to come

LeftyLou · 19/01/2023 14:00

That is extremely selfish!

Please do not do anything you don't feel comfortable with and if he is bothered well think its time he started to learn to drive!

WonderingWanda · 19/01/2023 14:01

I would want 2 nights as well, for the baby especially, that's too much time trapped in a car seat. Tell him you will only do it if he agrees a second day off work and an extra night at his parents (if that's an option?) Or you do that and he can buy his own train ticket home the next day.

Laffinalltheway · 19/01/2023 14:03

I'm a confident driver and have to take an advanced driving course every other year for work purposes. The course teaches you about all aspects of driving including distances, tiredness etc.
Would I drive 600 miles in two days, not a hope in hell! Too dangerous!

WonderingWanda · 19/01/2023 14:04

In fact scrub my previous answer, 300 miles is from one end of the country to another, no way I'd do that for a night out or a weekend. Op have you looked at flying, sometimes it's cheaper than the train?

theGooHasGone · 19/01/2023 14:04

He's taking the piss. The driver decides the route, the timing etc. If he doesn't like that he can pay a chauffeur (which you are not!)

WisherWood · 19/01/2023 14:05

This is very much one of those situations where the person who doesn't drive, and who can't be bothered to learn, can just fuck off and do their own thing. I speak as someone who used to hate driving and struggled to learn, but made myself get on with it because it's useful. Also, I don't know where you're based, but most driving in the UK at the moment is extremely difficult and requires even more concentration than usual.

But you've also got many other issues OP and if I were you, I'd have very good contraception in place and an eye on the exit.

Beachsidesunset · 19/01/2023 14:05

OP, could you look at this as the catalyst to reconsider your relationship? He needs to step up, grow up and pull his weight ... or you'd be better off on your own. You're only going to get more tired, frustrated and bitter if things don't improve.

CaveMum · 19/01/2023 14:06

You say “partner”, so I’m guessing you are not married @Annie802?

Honestly, what does he bring to your relationship? He won’t drive, won’t do the housework, I bet he barely does anything with the baby. You’d be better off without him, one less mouth to feed and clear up after.

ReadtheReviews · 19/01/2023 14:07

Jesus. He sounds totally unempathetic op. You're sleep deprived to start with and it's all on his terms. Ok it's his birthday but that doesnt mean you have to put up with an awful time. Is he normally so thoughtless?

Hippocrasy · 19/01/2023 14:09

I've been driving for 35 years without notable incident, including journeys of 500 miles. I like driving. I would not do this journey under any circumstances, OP. It's too long a journey even for an experienced driver (or one with any sense, anyway).

But this journey isn't your real problem. Your real problem is that you have had a baby without being married, so you are shafted financially. There ought to be a great big warning at the top of the MN homepage about this. Every other chat boils down to a woman having had a baby without the financial and legal protection of marriage.

Fundays12 · 19/01/2023 14:10

1987qwerty · 19/01/2023 12:12

Just tell him to have a good time as you won't be going. Wouldn't make any difference but was he expecting you to pay for the fuel as well?

Well he doesn’t go then does he. That’s his choice so let him make it. He is a man child leave him to it.

Forthelast · 19/01/2023 14:10

He's being really selfish. I wouldn't do it.

Ponderingwindow · 19/01/2023 14:13

How old is the baby?

You won’t be making excellent time with a baby in the car. Stops will need to be more frequent, depending on age extremely frequent. It could take most of the day to travel 300 miles.

also, since you clearly have separate finances, is he actually properly supporting you financially during your maternity leave? The pressure he is putting on you to pay for even part of this trip makes me suspect that he is not.

Snazzysausage · 19/01/2023 14:15

I passed my test over 30 years ago and there's no way on earth I'd do that journey,even without a young baby! That's a short turnaround and you'll feel shattered imo. Non drivers often have no idea how tiring a long journey is.

wizzler · 19/01/2023 14:15

If I drove 300 miles I would be heading for my bed, never mind a big night out!

Wakemeup17 · 19/01/2023 14:15

I have Gold from ROSPA and I have driven 700miles in one day before but there's no way I would be driving your journey. 300 miles on your own, when you are rested and have the day to get there - yes, totally doable.
What he's proposing is plain irresponsible and the baby will be very tired too. No way. He can get the train.

blackpearwhitelilies · 19/01/2023 14:17

Jesus - I've just re-read. You have another hour to an hour and a half to drive both days ON TOP of the 300 miles. You would be out of your mind, OP. This is absolutely not on. So in fact it's more like a 350-400 mile drive each day. It's not safe. That's the bottom line. None of you will be safe, including your very young baby. Your partner is an absolute moron.

LongerThanADryJanuary23 · 19/01/2023 14:18

Don't let yourself be bullied and guilt tripped into doing this trip, it's a ridiculous amount of driving for one overnight stay.

His parents should realise this too, so yes they can be sad they won't be seeing baby this time, but they should understand and will survive.

Your partner is being utterly utterly selfish and self-serving, he's not thinking of your welfare nor that of the baby.

If he doesn't want to take the train then he's not going, simple.

But of course, I know he'll make your life hell for refusing, won't take no for an answer and will try everything he can to get you to make this trip because it's what he wants, and in his head, that's what matters the most.

I've seen his type too many times.

StBernie · 19/01/2023 14:19

You have bigger problems than this driving disagreement. You mention him paying for the hotel as if it’s a kind gesture? It’s not. You’re on mat leave looking after his child. Of course he should be paying for you both. He’s meant to be supporting you and the baby whilst you’re not working.

He comes across even worse in your updates. Now he’s manipulating you by blaming you on him cancelling it to pressure you into driving. You deserve better OP.

Seaweed42 · 19/01/2023 14:21

I wouldn't even have one drink the night before before driving 300 miles.
Do you mean it's 150 miles there and 150 back?
I'm an experienced driver and I'd really really hestitate to do that journey in a car with a very young baby. You'll have to stop and do the feeds or changes. It'll take a full day of driving.

You haven't done anything wrong. Driving 300 miles is a BIG deal when you've only just started driving. Not your problem if his parents can't see the baby.
They could come down on the train and see the baby.

He's being a child over this. Throwing a strop.
When he learns to drive he'll realise what it's like.
He thinks you are his mother.
And then you learned to drive, so boom he gets a free taxi now anywhere he likes.

fleurpots · 19/01/2023 14:21

Stop trying to accommodate him and find alternatives for him. If he wants to go he’ll find a way. Might be a push up the backside to learn to drive.

It‘s his responsibility to sort his parents meeting their grandchild, not yours, so forget about that too.