To not want to drive?

[Annie802]

My partner has booked us to go see his friends 300 miles away for a big night out as part of his birthday, I’m a new driver and while I’m comfortable on the motorway I haven’t driven further than 30 miles yet. No reason for not doing it I just haven’t needed to and have a very young baby so only recently feel more confident on the roads.

He didn’t ask me to drive , just assumed that I would drive us there even though I’d prefer to get the train. He doesn’t drive so that’s not an option.

As it’s part of his birthday and he booked hotel (I’m on statutory pay on maternity leave and can’t afford it) I thought ok fine I’ll drive.

We had a miscommunication where I thought we were staying two nights, so one day driving up there, we drop off our baby at his parents and then we go to the next town which is another hour-hour and a half away to meet his friends for a big night out. I thought we would have an extra night to relax after and get over any hangover and then I would drive us back.

He now says no he booked one night, and expects me to drive all the way there, drop off baby, go to his friends, have a big night out, then the next day get our baby and drive home!

I’ve never driven that far before and I’m extremely nervous but he doesn’t see the issue at all. I won’t be able to enjoy the night out either as I now have to really watch what I drink, and he goes back to work the day after we get back.

he won’t pay for the train and I can’t afford the train for both of us, and he won’t take a day off extra from work so we can stay two nights to ease the travel time.

AIBU to just say no to this now? Or should I just drive us and do it.

FFS. This is ‘Class Swot Driving 101’.

And totally useless to this situation. This is not about the driving, it’s about her useless lazy twat of a partner.

Just seen your other updates. Aw, tell him to fuck off. You’re not a chauffeur

Absolutely no way! I will drive that distance for a week’s holiday in Devon, but for one night as a new driver? Absolutely NOT! Tell him no. He’s being outrageously unreasonable. If he’s desperate to go he can get the train by himself. He sounds like a selfish arse not wanting to pay for your train ticket though: massive red flag, Jesus.

Not to mention the useless husband in the front

I am a very experienced driver and regularly drive 300 miles. I'd only do the return trip within 24 hours in an emergency. I would never drive 600 miles in 24 hours with a new baby. If your partner's parents want to see the baby, why can't they travel to you? It would be really unfair on your child.
At least 75% of the journeys I make are much longer than they should be because of traffic delays. It can mean between 8 hours and 10 hours for each journey. It will be worse for your because you will need regular breaks with a small baby. Your partner is both selfish and stupid to want you to do this. He hasn't got a clue - it's easy for him not to have a clue because he hasn't bothered to learn to drive.

I'd tell the lazy fucker to get a one way train ticket.

Nope.

Too far. I remember this issue when I first passed my test and friends who didn't drive didn't get that driving isn't just sitting on your backside wiggling the steering wheel. It is an exhausting level of concentration, especially over long distances. Put your foot down. He can't go on the train. You can have a chilled time at home.

300 miles will end up taking all day with a baby. You’ll end up leaving later than you plan because sorting a baby out is endless. You’ll hit traffic all over the place and have to keep stopping off for breaks to stretch legs, loo stops, coffee and feed and change the baby. By the time you’ve stopped at the in laws and had a meal plus passed over all the instructions and the baby it will be late. You’ll be rushing off to meet friends just to do it all over again the way back. Bloody exhausting and completely unthought through. Your DH is a dick for even suggesting it.

Non-drivers (where they just can't be arsed rather than having a valid reason for not doing so) don't get to dictate when, where or for how long someone else has to drive. The end.

There are plenty of alternative options for this trip, DH has to pick one of them. If he would prefer to throw his toys out of the pram and just not go, well that's on him @Annie802 and you don't need to give it any more headspace.

And pack his bags while he's gone

I've been driving for years and I wouldn't fancy doing 300 miles so I would probably refuse.

What an absolute cock. That's a huge drive to do in one go on your own especially as a new driver. That's pretty much a 7 hour journey without stopping! Then expect you to go to a party and drive back home the next day is absolutely insane. If you've never driven further than 30 miles before you would actually be downright reckless to do this please don't even consider it.

I can't believe you wanted you to pay for fuel as well what a selfish, mean inconsiderate arsehole.

I have driven that distance (and more) with a baby but I had been driving for a few years and we were then on holiday for 2/3 weeks. Ultimately you don’t want to do it so claim back your power and say no. Maybe it will give him the push he needs to learn to drive.

Nope.
And I suggest that when you refuse, you don't say "I don't want to do it because X, Y, Z" but instead say "I can't. It's not safe enough."
You might choose to explain your (very good) reasons if you want, but when you've had enough of that, go back to "You can't possibly understand because you can't drive."
Good luck OP, I sincerely hope your situation improves and wish you well.

Say no. In the early days of driving I would get such a compressed head from the concentration effort. It's only after a lot of driving that it's now unconscious so to speak and I think thats the case at varying degrees for most people. I regularly do a 150 mile trip to parents, several times gone up and driven them back with me the next day and that is enough. To do double that with a young baby as a new driver I would not have felt safe. Tell him you have a duty to other road users not to drive frazzled and anxious, it will effect your reaction times.

I do it in one go as I find it better to stay in the zone but you'd need to stop regularly as advised for the baby. 150 miles has taken me 3 hours. So you're looking at a possible 7hrs drive (traffic conditions/weather/stops)

I started driving quite late and realise how flippant I was about it before I had driven long trips myself. I expect though, that he's not the sort to be able to see things from someone elses perspective. Wave him off at the train/coach and have a nice break to imagine what life would be like without him.

Don't be guilt-tripped into this.

And this is where I say, not LTB but why on earth did you decide to have a baby with a useless man child?! Or fix these issues surface after you became pregnant?

Bollocks to that! Ive been driving for over 10 years and actually really enjoy driving but no way would I drive 300 miles there and back over two days. Its too much after a night out and in such a short space of time. Although I love driving, its tiring purely because you have to concentrate for such long periods of time and to do it all over again the next day- no way. I'd only do it if it was to a specific one off event like a family wedding etc. No way would I do it for a night out.

This.

It’s a long way and you’ll be exhausted. Plus definitely not right for baby. He needs to pay for the train or miss out.

If you've never driven further than 30 miles before you would actually be downright reckless to do this please don't even consider it.

This. It's not just the hassle and inconvenience. Worst-case scenario is that you put your baby and other road users in danger through stress and exhaustion. Cars are useful but potentially lethal equipment and road accidents are one of the main causes of death. You should not be doing a drive you don't feel confident to do.

Op, with a new baby you'll need to take regular breaks. As others have said you won't be able to drink at home and regardless you'll be even more exhausted than usual.

You've given him the option of getting the train alone. If HE chooses not to go, that is HIS choice. Don't allow him to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

Are your inlaws nice? Is there room to stay there? Would it be a relaxing couple of days?

If yes to the above to spite him (and remove his argument), I would feel tempted to get a train up there with the baby, stay for a few days, and get the train back. Parents get to see the baby, he is shown up for the tanptrumming toddler he appears to be.

I haven’t even read the whole thread but 2 pages in I knew he’d be a useless, selfish mean piece of shit after my last post!

I’d be looking into getting rid of this millstone round my neck and preparing to be a single mum.

For starters, he’s not even thinking of your safety on dark, icy, treacherous roads. He’s all about his own enjoyment and his parents seeing the baby (which you gave birth to, are on maternity pay for etc).

Even if he did miraculously pay for the train, based on your other posts (not read them) I’d still be seriously rethinking this relationship.

I know it's not what you were posting about but how do you feel about your relationship and your future with this man? It looks bleak from here.

I see he's sulking and is saying he won't go now. That's his choice don't pander to him. Are you able to arrange to get out of the house and away from him over that time with your own family or friends?

If he wanted you all to go he should've been paying for the train. I agree with pp's that's one hell of a drive for an experienced driver but doing it twice in 24 hours with s baby and a night out would be awful. As a pp said you will be more stressed and concentrating and I used to be very tense and get back and shoulder aches far far shorter drives,

If he was a half decent man he would have learned to drive when you found out you were expecting a child. A couple of my friends other halves did this as no need before but knew it would be necessary once kids arrived and wanted to be able to drive their partners to and from the hospital to have baby! unfair

If you somehow end up driving he should fill the tank on the way and the way back. He should pay for your meals/ snacks/ coffee on the way and the way back. Paying for the petrol should be a given or at least splitting it. The rest should be to take care of you as driver and exhausted mum of baby. If he's useless in front passenger seat out him in back with baby to deal with crying etc

If he's not a driver he'll not have a clue how tiring a long drive is.

I've been driving for almost 40 years and always plan long drives with a proper recovery time during and after returning home. No way, ever, would I consider doing 600 miles round trip in two days, plus young baby, plus no one to take the wheel when I got tired. Plus a night out. Plus you are a new driver.

He's a bit clueless partly because he doesn't drive.

I'd suggest he goes alone and catches the train.
Or that you stay up there with his parents to recover and he catches the train home.

Don't agree to this mad round trip. It is just this, absolute madness.

Show him this thread.

I would not be doing that as a new driver with a baby in the car. I’ve got a 300 mike trip coming up and am going by train as I just can’t face a 600 mile round trip. He has no idea. Looks like he’s getting the train on his own.