AIBU to not discuss my life story at work?

[HangryBerd]

My work is conducting training which tells us that we need to share our life stories, disclose what makes us "us", be vulnerable, share our emotions. If we don't, we are told that we're being anti-inclusion. My colleagues and manager are therefore having a go at me for being too private.

I'm finding this really upsetting as I'll chat to anyone about many things but there are aspects that are very difficult to talk about. They're nothing to do with work and quite frankly nobody else's business.

AIBU to stand my ground?

It's a trick question. They don't care about a lifestory. What they want to know is, who has the balls to keep a cool head under pressure, resist negative influence, assert their own integrity.

"As a child I shared a bed and bathtime with my brothers and dog, we all ate out of the same bowl. Back then I had no privacy or autonomy at all, but now I do. My first ambition was to own my own spoon by the time I left school. Then I got a first class fork and knife at Oxford. My hobbies are chasing rabbits and catching balls."

I agree. Imagine having been a victim of violence or abuse and being told to telll everyone your history?

That could be really damaging, not to mention potentially triggering for your audience.

What utter bollocks this idea is. I'd refuse.

This is how it should be done.

Even in therapy, good counselors won't push you to share until you're ready.

And in babsanderson's example there was a clear learning aim, even for the minor sharing. What the hell are the learning aims for this course?

Oh well, that's fine then.

Perhaps you could suggest where I should start? CSA by a family member and subsequently others? The DV perpetrated by my first serious boyfriend? My history of depression and self-harm? Self-medicating with alcohol and drugs? Sexual harrassment in 2 different workplaces? Emotional and financial abuse by my XH? The trauma when the partner who finally enabled me to feel safe, happy and loved for my "whole self" died suddenly, far too young?

I have enough fucking vulnerability, thanks, I don't need to inflict any more on myself. And I have (unsurprisingly) trust issues, so for me the only "trusted" spaces are those I share with my counsellor and a handful of close and emotionally literate friends.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'd rather pull my own teeth out with pliers.

This kind of training is designed for extroverts who have had an easy life

Designed by them, too, I reckon.

I grew up with 5 sisters and one day, I said to one of them, you’re not my muvver and she replied oh yes I am

I grew up with 5 sisters and one day, I said to one of them, you’re not my muvver and she replied oh yes I am

🤣🤣🤣

Are you really that naive?

They might not be discussing it at work, in your "safe space", but at least one person in that session will have been discussing stuff said there with someone outside the workplace.

I spent 30 years in the MOD, and now more than a decade in Local Government. Both places very much involved in diversity, inclusion and all training related to it.

At no point were we ever expected to divulge anything we weren't comfortable with. Our HR knew they'd be in the shit if they tried pushing anything like this on us.

Meanwhile, having worked in the MOD, I can just hide behind the fact that I've signed the Official Secrets Act. Twice, in fact!

Oh well, that's fine then.

Perhaps you could suggest where I should start? CSA by a family member and subsequently others? The DV perpetrated by my first serious boyfriend? My history of depression and self-harm? Self-medicating with alcohol and drugs? Sexual harrassment in 2 different workplaces? Emotional and financial abuse by my XH? The trauma when the partner who finally enabled me to feel safe, happy and loved for my "whole self" died suddenly, far too young?

I have enough fucking vulnerability, thanks, I don't need to inflict any more on myself. And I have (unsurprisingly) trust issues, so for me the only "trusted" spaces are those I share with my counsellor and a handful of close and emotionally literate friends.

(Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'd rather pull my own teeth out with pliers.

Well said! No one should feel obliged to share their life with work strangers. It's baffling!

My work did something similar at the tail end of lockdown, as 'bonding' I guess. We were to share a turning point in our lives. I refused to do it, and I am generally pretty relaxed about my boundaries.

I had depression and had way too much time over lockdown to wonder how I was in a position to be in my 50s with no friends or family close by, living alone, and in a low paid, low responsibility role. I had no wish to hear people telling their happy stories about their children, how they met their partners, how they fell into their stellar careers. Or at the other end of the scale how they had overcome serious illness etc, when I already felt inadequate for not dealing with a fairly easy life.

Work pushed back a little, I refused again and just cited 'personal reasons'. I just don't think the person who thought it up (great job, lovely husband, beautiful house and 2 perfect children) could empathise that this wouldn't be a pleasant, heartwarming experience for everyone.

My work did something similar at the tail end of lockdown, as 'bonding' I guess. We were to share a turning point in our lives. I refused to do it, and I am generally pretty relaxed about my boundaries

That is shockingly short sighted. I would have refused as well.

Ugh. I can empathize. My life is not going the way I hoped, I'm low level depressed, and at the moment the turning points all seem to be when things turned worse.

Well done for standing your ground.

Ridiculous.
I love a deep vulnerable sharing because I'm a hippy, but I would do that in a safe space with like minded people.
In the workplace?!?!
Have they thought this through and have trained support in place?!?!
Ye gods.
Forcing those who don't want to go into that space is inappropriate on so many levels....
We'll done for having the sense to know its a bloody bad idea for you.... And in general, ughhh!!

I appreciate it's not for everyone and no one should have to share something that they don't want to. The sort of topics that were discussed were not happy things, suicide, addictions, abuse etc. I trusted the people, as they trusted me. I have never shared what was spoken about with anyone else. I guess from the vulnerability, came growth for me personally. It was uncomfortable and terrifying for me, but ultimately ended up being a great (life changing) experience. I know other people who have done similar leadership courses (run by proper qualified facilitators not Bob from accounts or Sharon from HR), who have also had positive outcomes. Just trying to offer another perspective based on my experiences, nothing more.

Absolutely not! You stand your ground. I share very little at work as there is one person who will gossip about everything and everyone even to customers. I caught them recently gossiping about my personal business to customers and made a formal complaint. It has been taken very seriously and they are currently under investigation for it.

A friend of mine did one of these at work, they were all told it was a safe space, not to be shared disclosed out of the group.

Yeah that didn't happen. Half the office new by 5pm what one staff member had disclosed, and the poor guy who disclosed it was mortified.

Trust nobody...is my motto 😳

Some of us have had a fucking screwed up upbringing with more twists & turns than a sodding corkscrew; but for most of us we’ve learnt to leave the past there in the past; all this opening up; sharing our experiences; hugging it out; is all bollox; only share what your comfortable sharing it’s your history no one has any right to shoehorn it out of you x

You need a safe space to share this sort of thing, and work is not it.

YANBU
coercion into revealing personal details is bullying.
Just give a few basic details about yourself that are fairly innocuous or made up.

Why should you be made to feel uncomfortable?
Some personality types are more introverted. It has no bearing on your job and is none of their business.

Whilst this is annoying and a stupid concept, you only need to share low ticket items.

A hobby, your fav subject at school, favourite holiday destination and something you uave always wanted to try but haven't. High ticket items such as divorce and childhood trauma are reserved for therapy.

Oh ye gods… I’ve been there.

Well, I haven’t had to do a presentation of my life story, exactly, but I’ve gotten into trouble for being too private - it’s ‘antisocial’ and I’m ‘not being a team player!’

I’m autistic, and I just can’t stand to socialise all the time. I NEED to be alone for my lunch breaks to recharge, and I’m not interested in sitting around gossiping - I need to focus on my work or it won’t get done.

Some people can work and chat about something unrelated at the same time, but I’m not one of them.

Do you have a union or a HR team? Have a conversation with them - you don’t need to, like, file a formal complaint or sue or anything extreme like that. But you can tell them you feel uncomfortable with this assignment and the boss is not being fair to you by having a go at you for refusing to participate.

I obviously have not read your work contract, but I feel extremely confident that there is no mention of sharing your life story in a big presentation being a requirement or one of your duties.

So they can’t make you do it.

Sorry but this is not something that should be forced on people at work. Group therapy is voluntary and should be done by qualified and licensed professionals. It could be very damaging.

Don't do it. Oh gosh, I had a hard time as a child/teen due to parental mental health. Very few people know about that and even less know how bad it was. It's my own private business.