AIBU to not discuss my life story at work?

[HangryBerd]

My work is conducting training which tells us that we need to share our life stories, disclose what makes us "us", be vulnerable, share our emotions. If we don't, we are told that we're being anti-inclusion. My colleagues and manager are therefore having a go at me for being too private.

I'm finding this really upsetting as I'll chat to anyone about many things but there are aspects that are very difficult to talk about. They're nothing to do with work and quite frankly nobody else's business.

AIBU to stand my ground?

So not the same as the OP then.

And I still would not share anything personal at work about my life. Even in an alleged safe space. Curious what makes it safe? I would not believe they wouldnt gossip. If I need to talk about my terrible previous life I'd pay a professional.

YADNBU!!! It's your right to maintain your privacy, and they can't force you to talk about your private life at all, if you don't wish to. Work is totally NOT a place to bring your private self to, in my humble opinion. I purposefully strive to maintain considerable distance between me and my personal life and work colleagues. They a) have no effing reason to know everything about me, and my history - it's got absolutely nothing to do with my performance or my ability and b) they don't care anyway.

There is also the rather horrid option of c) which is that some people use it as ammunition against you and unless these colleagues are very very good friends, I would be seriously wary of oversharing with them. Some people love the "Bring your whole self to work" ethos but in reality, no-one does this. It's human nature to protect yourself by putting up Chinese walls. And you clearly aren't comfortable with sharing your private life - who would be?

Sounds like they want to be vultures preying on peoples trauma and gossip. I reserve the right to be polite and friendly but only share what I deem appropriate with my work colleagues. It is also very rare that experiences are a singular thing - so they are intruding into personal life of non work colleagues too.

And people for whom it is utterly anathema?

Or don't we matter? Must we acquiesce so you can get your jollies?

Relations were difficult between me (team lead) and a difficult staff member. My boss set himself up as a mediator (unqualified, and unsolicited!). All 3 of us (boss included) listed 3 things we liked about the other 2, and 3 things we didn't like. Staff member's dislikes about me included that I was "too private"! Well - tough. She was an over-sharer, IMO, and was no more likely to change her personality than I was, just to suit her preferences.

Hold your ground, OP.

There's a middle ground and it's probably possible to 'play the game'. You don't need to be too personal or specific but maybe mention a few things to 'tick a box'....eg" I grew up with 2 working class parents in a small market town. Attended the local comprehensive which was predominantly white working class. I didn't know of anyone who was gay and although I don't consider myself racist I do not have any BAME friends and have never been inside a mosque. Ive never claimed benefits or used a foid bank but have been broke before and borrowed money to pay for essential bills. I'm sometimes nervous of offending people at work so stay out of political and social arguments."
I'm guessing that paragraph ticks a few boxes and isn't too personal.

We should not be required to play the game at all. I simply will not facilitate this kind of intrusive, coercive practice at work. It’s complete bollocks. We don’t all need therapy and I don’t want to be parented at work.

It’s completely my choice how much or how little of myself I share with my colleagues. ‘Opening a space’ is of absolutely no value to me and I will not be made to engage with that sort of power play (because that’s what it actually is). It benefits very few people and potentially harms or at least negatively affects a lot more, in my view.

Are they going to have someone on standby to help you with the resulting emotions/headfuck that this creates? No, I thought not.

I’ve done a lot of “self therapy” over the last couple of years to deal with some really difficult times in my life, and part of this does involve putting a lot in “boxes. Like hell would I be unpacking these boxes so my employer can tick a few boxes of their own

That sounds like a cult! Of course they can't force you to talk about personal things.

This

@SillySausage81
A friend of mine went for an interview once (also for a bog standard office job) and they asked her what was the hardest time she'd ever been through in her life (can't remember the exact wording but they made it clear they were talking about her personal life, not just professional life). She was so taken aback with the stupidity of the question that she just answered bluntly and honestly that it was the night her 15 year old daughter hanged herself. They were rendered speechless and very embarrassed... it seems they wanted openness... but only as long as you'd led a fairly blessed life. They probably hadn't even considered the potential outcome of such a question.

Exactly! In fact this is why such stupid exercises are proposed in the first place: the organisers have themselves a fairly blessed life, so from their point of view, ”showing your vulnerabilities” is not risky at all, in fact it could be a harmless pastime.
When people like this talk about openness, sincerity, vulnerability and other terms from this jargon, they mean something different than for the majority of people. It's what they post in social media when they do paid promotion or when they try to be deep and serious. Pure storytelling, usually with a mobilising morale, or something sweet and sentimental, but nothing that could suggest MH issues or potential problems at work - IOW no real vulnerabilities at all.
”When I was a little girl, my mother used to collect dry leaves in the autumn - now as an adult sometimes I feel like crying when I see a fallen leaf” or ”When I was a little boy, we couldn't eat meat as many times as I wanted, because my family wasn't wealthy - now as an adult I know better and don't eat meat at all” etc.

You need to channel your inner Chunk and tell them everything ;)

But seriously, this would be my idea of hell. I hate the "tell us something about yourself" in group intro sessions.

At a similar event in my DH’s work, the first person to who was asked to speak about himself turned to the person running the session and said ‘How much are you earning for today? I’m asking because they can afford to pay for this shit, but they haven’t given us a pay rise!’

Surely it is just as discriminatory to not realise that some people are simply not comfortable talking about their personal life in public.

I’ve done some sessions where we were encouraged to share genuine difficulties and trauma from our lives. But those were relevant to the job (one was counselling, another was where we could expect to experience trauma in the role), everyone had joined voluntarily, and there were proper safeguards in place, including a counsellor on hand and available afterwards. Even so, hearing what some of my colleagues had been through is something that has stayed with me for many years.

This, as described, is absolutely unacceptable. No one should ever be forced (pressurised, leant on, etc) to disclose personal information which is unrelated to their job.

I’m due to return to an HR role in a particularly woke public sector organisation soon. I fear this is the kind of thing they’d think was a good idea. Some of us HR types have our heads rather more firmly screwed on! If it were me I would refuse to participate, ask for their business case for how this supports inclusion, ask to see the risk assessment with particular focus mental health, and ask how this fits with data protection and right to privacy at work (the TUC document shared earlier is good).

Absolutely awful idea, they can’t possibly know the extent of the traumatic experiences people have had to deal with throughout their lives.

I would be inclined to tell them of a traumatic experience at work, where everyone was bullied into opening up about their mental health and life traumas with no consideration given to medical confidentiality, data protection, or therapeutic debriefing / counselling. As a result you avoid discussing private issues at work.

Or look long and hard at the manager who's implementing this nonsense and say, meanongfully, 'Surely you don't want me to talk about everything in my private life?'.

God this is awful, i'm feeling anxious just reading about it. Reason 47532 why I'm self-employed. What the hell is wrong with employers and managers who swallow all this crappy, ill-advised training? Anyone with half an ounce of sense, and anyone with ANY actual knowledge or awareness about inclusion and vulnerability, would know this is an awful idea that risks seriously upsetting and destabilising certain people. Even if you have private upsets that you don't intend to share, just hearing about someone else's could be really painful.

I hope I'm never in such a situation but if I was I'd have to say "my biggest vulnerability is that I'm very introverted and private, and don't feel comfortable sharing everything about myself except with very close trusted friends." Then look expectantly at the next person.

YANBU this is totally inappropriate.

I’d not make a fuss tho, just go in with a made-up story about someone grossly overstepping your personal boundaries!

Yanbu what are they wanting people to talk about child abuse, sexual assualts, suicidal thoughts, self harm, medical history, deaths of loved ones, crimes you've committed. I don't understand this at all its called a private life for a reason

Oh dear. Is this really a thing now?

I’d stand my ground and say I felt uncomfortable sharing. I wouldn’t make anything up, not at all. Though I love the aliens and space example given by a pp!

I could really bore with my hobbies, as another pp said! But personal, and emotional, issues are not up for discussion.

"my biggest vulnerability is that I'm very introverted and private, and don't feel comfortable sharing everything about myself except with very close trusted friends."

That would be a good response @SockGoddess

Honestly that brought tears to my eyes. What a lovely boy.

YANBU AT ALL. Like fuck would I do this

i hate this - day 1 of a course i foudn out my best friends dh had been in an ultimately fatal car accident so day 2 and 3 i was not in a place to do this and wow. The course leader was such an arse. My manager did actually deal with it and i was allowed to not participate - your work should SUPPORT you in these things. arseholes