First visit from MIL

[BettyOop99]

Pretty upset by this but not sure if it's the postpartum blues and IBU or if you would be upset too.

I'm a FTM and new baby is a week old. We've not had many visitors by choice - had a C-section and we've just been getting used to the new baby and surviving the first week.

Today we had the first visit from MIL, who tbf made a four-hour round trip on the train to see us and meet her first grandchild. Great so far.

My DH picked her up from the station in the morning, and when she arrived we'd just had a delivery of cards and flowers from friends. She looked embarrassed and said she felt bad that she had come empty handed. I didn't have a baby shower or specifically ask for gifts, but I did think she would pick up a card or something for the baby. AIBU? She didn't buy anything before baby was born either so it's not as if she had already bought.

Anyway, no bother - the day passed with her taking lots of pictures and having holds. She didn't offer to help us with anything, or make a drink or do anything really, unlike friends and family nearby who have brought food, offered to pick up things, etc.

Then, right at the end of the day, she comments about my baby's future looks and if she had so-and-so's teeth that "nanny would buy braces". WTF? Why are you commenting/thinking about that when the baby is only a week old?

You can't even remember a card but you can think about and offer braces to a week old baby?

It really upset me, but DH thinks I just don't get his DM's humour and thinks I should talk to her about it instead of saying something himself.

AIBU? Is this worth bringing up or has the moment passed?

[frangipani13]

Totally not worth bringing up. You’re quite understandably exhausted, recovering from major surgery, with raging hormones which is probably clouding your thoughts. Just let it go and enjoy your baby.

[GotAnyGrapez]

You're overtired. Let it go. She definitely didn't mean it as badly as you thought.

[Thirdsummerofourdiscontent]

It does sound like you are upset over nothing.

[itsabigtree]

I think she's being harmless. It just sounds like a difference in humour.

With the not helping out thing - some people just find it awkward helping in other people homes. She likely wasn't being rude.

Gifts and obviously nice, and a new grandma would usually get a grandchild a token gift but i wouldn't hold onto this.

Im usually quite anti MIL but on this occasion I think you're feeling tired, vulnerable etc (no shame in it, I know what it's like!) put it out of your mind and get back into the newborn bubble with your partner and baby

[karrliz]

My MIL drove me crazy and only now do I find her less irritating (dd is 6 months old).
Takes time, but let it go.

It's not worth it as it could just start a war! My MIL always says how much she looks like people in their family, said she wanted to be the first to make her laugh, saw her even though she had tonsillitis you name it!

I would have been so annoyed in your case, but I think it's a power struggle they go through! It's like they are no longer 'Head Mummy' of the family as that's now you, so either become too much or criticise.

Just keep boundaries and she will soon realise that she can't over step with comments or actions!

[Redredrobingoesbobobbobin]

Irritating comment poorly timed to a new mum who’s hormonal. Not worth getting upset over.

Not bringing anything or helping in anyway is also super annoying, I had this with in laws and was pretty surprised as everyone else brought stuff etc, they wanted to be waited on and we had to use some of the freezer stash I’d prepped to feed them. Ultimately it’s about lowering your expectations and then preparing accordingly.

Don’t beat yourself up for reacting. This part of the hormonal sleep deprivation is nuts. Xxx

[Monjardin12]

She doesn't sound very likeable tbh. I would keep visits to a minimum. Enjoy your baby.

[ThreeblackCats]

Pick your battles op, I’m sure that was a throw away comment.

[JudgeRudy]

It's a stupid remark but really not worth investing anymore thought in. As for helping out, she's travelling 4hrs so presumably she's here for maybe lunch then back home at teatime. You're husbands there and no other kids. I wouldnt really be expecting 'help'. What did you have in mind? Maybe she could wash a teacup up and put kettle on but that's all I'd expect.
I think your tired physically and mentally. Sounds like things ran smoothly and your duty is done for now. Enjoy time with your husband and little one then get some rest.

[Eastereggsboxedupready]

When I got home from an emcs mil tried to pass off someone else's gift as hers!! Yanbu to have hoped for a gift. It isn't grabby either! Just surely a normal response to visiting a new dgc?

[girlfriend44]

She came 4 hours on a train to see her grandchild alot of people wouldn't do that.

You want a gift and her to offer to cook for you?

How does she read your mind and please you?

[MarshaMelrose]

She's making a four hour round journey - it's not like she doesn't care. Plenty of time for gifts when others have stopped buying and your daughter needs something.
Congratulations on your new baby.

[Pizzamyamour]

Goodness me, definitely not worth bringing up.

You are being incredibly ott

[ReamsOfCheese]

If it's part of a bigger pattern YANBU.
On the surface YABU.
So I guess it depends.

[Swiftswatch]

She didn't offer to help us with anything, or make a drink or do anything really, unlike friends and family nearby who have brought food, offered to pick up things, etc.

The key thing is they are nearby! Very very different to a 4 hour round journey and then being put to work.
You obviously don’t like her in general and are finding issues.

[Kitkatcatflap]

Congratulations on your new baby.

50/50 for me - she is unreasonable for not arranging card or a small gift for her grandchild. It's mean of spirit not to turn up with something. However, train fares are expensive - and a four round trip is showing effort.

I do think you are unreasonable in expecting her to help and make drinks 'like friends and family nearby'. This implies you are getting local additional help. As your husband collected her, I am assuming he was around as it's his mother - surely he made the drinks and snacks etc. If you wanted her to 'help' I think you should have asked her to stay longer.

As for the comment, seems a bit foot in mouth over malicious - giving your DH's comment, can you give her the benefit of the doubt? A four hour round trip by public transport, she won't be knocking on your door every five minutes.

[keeprunning55]

It was a rude & unnecessary thing to say about your baby. You have my sympathy.
Hopefully it’s a one off comment but if it’s not & she says other stuff in the future, get you dh to say something.

[Teafor1please]

It was a weird thing to say about braces but I wouldnt expect help from anyone to be honest, especially if they've travelled 4 hours round trip. It doesn't matter that she didn't bring a gift. It's better that she makes an effort with your child.
Congratulations and I hope you are recovering well.

[Hereslookinatyoukid]

Gently… you are not unreasonable, but you are postpartum. Your body is currently telling you that your baby is the most precious and important thing in the world and anything short of full adoration may be a threat.

Your MIL granted has a weird sense of humour, and didn’t bring a gift (which is maybe unusual but not necessarily mean). It’s hard to know why she didn’t offer to help but there are lots of good reasons, including wanting to maximise GP time, which might be selfish but understandable if she is 4hrs away.

Try not to see this as a big thing. You are not BU but to be honest it doesn’t sound like she is either.

[SomethingOriginal2]

She's been a shit guest but most people are. I only had one person offer to anything other than cuddle my baby for me. And I was in a really bad way from my c section, could barely walk for weeks.

I'd let it go for your own benefit.

[SunshineClouds1]

Congrats on your baby.

As others, let it go.

You will feel better tomorrow

[BeeDavis]

@Monjardin12

She doesn't sound very likeable tbh. I would keep visits to a minimum. Enjoy your baby.

Wow great advice 🙃🙃

[ColonelRhubarbBikini]

Honestly I’d let it go. I adore my MIL, she’s brilliant and we get along famously however when DS was newborn I couldn’t stick her.

Everything she did wound me up. He was the first grandchild so she was definitely a bit OTT but a lot of it was sleep deprivation and hormones and all kinds of stuff. I bit my tongue and it passed.

[TakeMe2Insanity]

Everyone talks about a mother’s hormones after a baby is born but actually I think grandma’s are affected too. Let it go.

[laakhx]

Aww I can totally understand how you feel don't let her bother you, you are in your own home and she's in hers.. I have issues like this all the time and I always have to just brush it off and not let her get to me. I think maybe because you've just had a baby your emotions will be running higher .. try not to overthink it and let it go enjoy your baby xxx