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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First visit from MIL

146 replies

BettyOop99 · 18/01/2023 19:33

Pretty upset by this but not sure if it's the postpartum blues and IBU or if you would be upset too.

I'm a FTM and new baby is a week old. We've not had many visitors by choice - had a C-section and we've just been getting used to the new baby and surviving the first week.

Today we had the first visit from MIL, who tbf made a four-hour round trip on the train to see us and meet her first grandchild. Great so far.

My DH picked her up from the station in the morning, and when she arrived we'd just had a delivery of cards and flowers from friends. She looked embarrassed and said she felt bad that she had come empty handed. I didn't have a baby shower or specifically ask for gifts, but I did think she would pick up a card or something for the baby. AIBU? She didn't buy anything before baby was born either so it's not as if she had already bought.

Anyway, no bother - the day passed with her taking lots of pictures and having holds. She didn't offer to help us with anything, or make a drink or do anything really, unlike friends and family nearby who have brought food, offered to pick up things, etc.

Then, right at the end of the day, she comments about my baby's future looks and if she had so-and-so's teeth that "nanny would buy braces". WTF? Why are you commenting/thinking about that when the baby is only a week old?

You can't even remember a card but you can think about and offer braces to a week old baby?

It really upset me, but DH thinks I just don't get his DM's humour and thinks I should talk to her about it instead of saying something himself.

AIBU? Is this worth bringing up or has the moment passed?

OP posts:
ElvisCymraeg · 19/01/2023 08:08

You are finding your feet as a mother, and she is finding her feet as a grandmother. I think some mutual empathy and a bit of slack both ways is called for here.
I am due soon and it's so silly, but I'm not looking forward to MIL helping out in the kitchen- it's my domain and I am a bit weird about it! However, we're different and she'll want to help and feel part of the household.

SallyWD · 19/01/2023 08:11

She didn't really do anything wrong. Some people act like guests at others houses and others get stuck in. It's just different styles. Her comment about the teeth was just a silly joke and obviously not based on your baby's (non-existent) teeth. It would be weird to bring it up.

YesitsJacqueline · 19/01/2023 08:15

She sounds like a bit of a twit that's all.

PrinceHaz · 19/01/2023 08:18

I think when you’re upset by someone, you need to consider the context for you, the context for them and try to. get inside their head.
You are tired and on possibly slightly higher alert for this sort of thing than normal.
She is getting older. If she lives alone she has got used to just thinking of herself. The braces comment should be overlooked. Sometimes people like this just blurt something that’s linked to something that was in their head recently. Perhaps her friend’s grandchild has braces and it was a big topic of conversation.
She doesn’t sound great from what you feel described but certainly not the worst. I’ve found with my mil that every year of my child’s life, our relationship improved, particularly once dd was no longer small.

MRex · 19/01/2023 08:19

After a long journey, she would be tired, and to some of us it might seem strange to have someone randomly start doing laundry or whatever. You definitely don't need flowers. You're an adult now, start appreciating the time and effort she's gone to, and that she loves her grandchild; those are the things that really matter. She has time to send a card if you really want to keep a set for when the baby is grown up, so you could tell her you're saving them and please post one. Start napping more with the baby instead of having all those guests trooping in "helping", sleep will make you feel a lot better and help your body to recover.

maddy68 · 19/01/2023 08:20

You are tired and sensitive. She made a big effort to come and see you

She hasn't done anything wrong

maddy68 · 19/01/2023 08:21

Ask her to make you a cuppa say you haven't had time to make one. Folk forget what it's like. Or she may be trying not to interfere

rainbowstardrops · 19/01/2023 08:23

You're a new mum and you'll be all over the place but I don't think you should take this any further.
I've had two children and I don't recall any family or friends offering to make a cup of tea or anything! Assume you have a partner there (as I did), so he just made the refreshments. No big deal.

rainbowstardrops · 19/01/2023 08:23

Congratulations on your new baby though! Flowers

Soffana · 19/01/2023 08:24

How much help do two people need? Is your husband in a wheelchair?

HoppingPavlova · 19/01/2023 08:24

Are you demented. If someone offered to pay for my kids braces if they needed them I would have whipped out a piece of paper and made them sign that🤣. Mine all had braces. Do you know how dear it is? If my in laws had of offered to pay I would not have been upset. They didn’t and of course I didn’t expect them to but if she’s offering, smile sweetly and say ‘that would be great’. This is not where you want to cut your nose off to spite your face.

BridieConvert · 19/01/2023 08:28

I'd let it go. You're tired and still recovering. It was just a throwaway comment.

My own mother never bought either of my daughters a gift or a card when they were born or offered help when she visited and I just took it with a pinch of salt 🤷🏻‍♀️
Some people just genuinely don't think, I don't think there's any malice in it.

Your MIL made a 4 hour trip, she's made an effort, just not the effort you seem to have wanted.

Tricolette · 19/01/2023 08:28

HoppingPavlova · 19/01/2023 08:24

Are you demented. If someone offered to pay for my kids braces if they needed them I would have whipped out a piece of paper and made them sign that🤣. Mine all had braces. Do you know how dear it is? If my in laws had of offered to pay I would not have been upset. They didn’t and of course I didn’t expect them to but if she’s offering, smile sweetly and say ‘that would be great’. This is not where you want to cut your nose off to spite your face.

Too right.
😂

saraclara · 19/01/2023 08:31

Sorry, total overreaction. I really hope it's your hormones. A four hour train journey each way (presumably plus actually getting to and from the station, is going to be knackering. And not everyone is comfortable helping themselves or getting to work in someone's kitchen (I far prefer people not to).

Presumably the brace conversation didn't just come out of nowhere. I'm assuming that there was a general conversation about family resemblances and it grew out of that. Personally I'd be thrilled of a grandparent offered to fund braces! They cost s small fortune, and it's a far more generous gift than a newborn babygro.

Give the woman a break. I really hope this reaction is hormonal, or poor grandma isn't going to stand a chance.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/01/2023 08:31

She's a first time DGM, your a FTM. She made a four hour round trip to see you and the baby and its a new experience for both of you.

As pp say - I struggle to remember the stuff people bought for my first, I remember the times people were there for them throughout their childhood.

As for helping around the house - she is doing a four hour round trip to drop in for a visit, I wouldn't expect someone doing that to also pick up my shopping or help around the house. There is also the issue that if she isn't a regular visitor to your house she may not feel comfortable offering - see the threads here where a DM or MiL has had the temerity to clean a kitchen without permission.

Just focus on the positive, not the lack of yet another soft toy.

saraclara · 19/01/2023 08:33

if she isn't a regular visitor to your house she may not feel comfortable offering - see the threads here where a DM or MiL has had the temerity to clean a kitchen without permission.

Jeeze, yes.

DestinysGrandchild · 19/01/2023 08:34

Let it go. She travelled 4 hours to meet her grandchild. My dad lives 20 minutes up the road and still hasn't put any effort in to meet our 1 year old.

WandaWonder · 19/01/2023 08:34

If it all happened to me I can honestly say I would not be bothered by any of its do think there is automatic MIL thing that happens where everything they do seems to be amplified, I would not care one bit for a another thing for a baby

I probably say things that are odd to people with no intention, I am sure people do it to me I just don't register it

ButterCrackers · 19/01/2023 08:34

Once she’d had a first cuddle she should have said what can I do to help? Cleaning, washing clothes, making you lunch, making tea. She should have brought you a gift for the baby and something for you and nothing over the top. She could have got the nappies you are using, basic baby clothes in the next size up and something nice as a treat for you such as hand cream, bath things. If she can’t afford gifts obviously that’s understood. Actions such as vacuuming and making tea and washing up cost her nothing but are really helpful.

Sceptre86 · 19/01/2023 08:37

Honestly I would just ignore especially as you know if she is too miserly to give baby a present or card she isn't going to fork out money for braces. As for the helping out, my mum does a 4 hour journey to us when I have a baby, she rwstocks my freezer with homeworker meals, cooks whilst she is here and runs a hoover around. She does it for me, her daughter, who's has a section and in pain. She does get tired out by the journey though and I make a point of telling her to just chill and hold my baby bit she won't. My mil won't do any of that, she'd likely worry that she was overstepping. Instead she would come and cuddle baby, do nappy changes and give bottles or occupy my older two so I could rest. Both women do help but in different ways. My mil is always more interested in the baby than she is me beyond the normal politeness, she isn't my mum so that's OK.

I think yabu to expect her to help around your house. Mumsnet gives some women strange views that everyone who visits should stay for the least amount of time and bring food or clean up for you. In reality apart from very close family or friends very few people will do that. You've had a baby csection recovery cam take a while and be a shock to the system in terms of pain and recovery but you aren't the first and won't be the last. Hopefully she won't make other thoughtless comments but if she does get used to and lowering back then and there, don't stew over her words.

EyesOnThePies · 19/01/2023 08:40

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

When we feel vulnerable it is easy to be in the alert and super protective of our baby.

A card? Meh… aren’t cards for people who aren’t able to be with you in person?

Not everyone feels able to ‘take possession’ of someone else’s kitchen, and if she lives far away she won’t be familiar enough, maybe. Hard for her to bring a casserole on the train.

And the teeth? Different humour. Actually her way of showing love and saying ‘I’ve got your back for life’.

It was also a self deprecating criticism of her own side of the family. Lots of ILs get into
trouble for boasting that babies will be fabulously intelligent and beautiful like their side of the family.

Enjoy your baby OP, and hopefully you took some nice pics of her holding your baby?

Outfor150 · 19/01/2023 08:40

You need to let this go. She’s made a four-hour round trip to see the baby. Why would she start getting the hoover out? Lots of people don’t send cards these days. I’m not sure a grandma brings gifts as such. That’s more for friends. Hopefully, as the years go on, she will be able to be involved-and that’s better than any material gift.

Sceptre86 · 19/01/2023 08:40

*apologies, there is shed loads of typos but you get the gist.

ChubbyMorticia · 19/01/2023 08:41

I think jokes are supposed to be funny. I fail to see, in what realm, that insulting a newborn’s future appearance to the recovering from a c section mother, would be considered amusing.

So, that would’ve ticked me off. As to not helping out, that would highly depend on if husband were tending to all the hosting duties, or if the expectation was that the mom recovering from surgery wait on anyone. As long as it wasn’t left on the mom, I’d call it good.

diddl · 19/01/2023 08:45

Four hour round trip-so two hrs each way on the train?

So fuck all really!

She does sound thoughtless but I'd leave it for now I think.

Hopefully your husband was looking after her so it didn't impact you.

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