First visit from MIL

[BettyOop99]

Pretty upset by this but not sure if it's the postpartum blues and IBU or if you would be upset too.

I'm a FTM and new baby is a week old. We've not had many visitors by choice - had a C-section and we've just been getting used to the new baby and surviving the first week.

Today we had the first visit from MIL, who tbf made a four-hour round trip on the train to see us and meet her first grandchild. Great so far.

My DH picked her up from the station in the morning, and when she arrived we'd just had a delivery of cards and flowers from friends. She looked embarrassed and said she felt bad that she had come empty handed. I didn't have a baby shower or specifically ask for gifts, but I did think she would pick up a card or something for the baby. AIBU? She didn't buy anything before baby was born either so it's not as if she had already bought.

Anyway, no bother - the day passed with her taking lots of pictures and having holds. She didn't offer to help us with anything, or make a drink or do anything really, unlike friends and family nearby who have brought food, offered to pick up things, etc.

Then, right at the end of the day, she comments about my baby's future looks and if she had so-and-so's teeth that "nanny would buy braces". WTF? Why are you commenting/thinking about that when the baby is only a week old?

You can't even remember a card but you can think about and offer braces to a week old baby?

It really upset me, but DH thinks I just don't get his DM's humour and thinks I should talk to her about it instead of saying something himself.

AIBU? Is this worth bringing up or has the moment passed?

Definitely this! ⬆️

You're going to have SO many other, bigger, issues to worry about on the parenting roller coaster - you have to let crap like this go over your head.

I'm usually anti mil as well but in this case she's come a long way on the train not locally etc and she may not be a present person so felt embarrassed and didn't quite realise what people do at a new borns arrival.

Definitely let it go and appreciate she came a long way to see baby.

So you do expect someone doing a four hour round trip to see your newborn to do the cleaning and shopping before they go home?

Are they allowed a few minutes to see the baby or is their purpose solely to do the chores?

If you actually read my initial post you will see that helping is after cuddles. A four hour round trip is fine for someone physically fit. I suppose you are the type of person who would just sit and expect to be waited on when visiting family who have just had a baby. I always have offered to help friends who have had a newborn. I am not a gran yet. I’ve had a cuddle and then said what can I do to help. I’ve always taken round food and a gift. I know how hard it is with a newborn and know that help is the best action that a family with a newborn can receive. It depends on the person visiting the family being unselfish. I wouldn’t be complaining about a four hour round trip to new parents because they are working all the time looking after their baby, other kids and the mum recovering from childbirth/getting breastfeeding going if she’s chosen breastfeeding. It also depends on being able to let someone help out with cleaning, cooking, washing clothes etc. I’m on the side of making things easier during the time I visited newborn’s families. The parents might want to get washed and rest for sometime. I would be happy to enable that by looking after the baby. They might need the bins emptied and put out, a meal made, the dog walked, the washing folded and put away, washing up done, the floors vacuumed and washed. Tasks that are difficult when recovering and difficult for both tired parents.

I am really starting to feel sorry for your MIL. You are clearly going to spend your life looking for faults. Don’t most people like to look nice on photos?

OK fair enough.

I just think if you've got time to get your hair, eyebrows and nails done to meet your first grandchild, you've probably got time to pick up a card and little gift.

If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I'll lower my expectations from now on.

I haven’t commented on buying a present, I haven’t said you are a bad person, do you always make leaps like that? I just said most people like to look nice photo. I get the impression yes, you are determined to be offended.

@BettyOop99 I can't really understand why you're so uptight about her not bringing a gift? Yes, a lot of people would. And a lot of people do. But I also know plenty of people who haven't met grandchildren because they can't be bothered or they're dead. At least she's made the effort. I really think you should let this go.

I'd just leave it and let it pass. She'll soon be back on that train and on her merry way to wherever she came from 👏🏼

Honestly don't over think it, my in-laws stayed when baby was couple of weeks old and expected me to wait on them. Remember being very frustrated but think it just didn't occur to them. Don't over think it.

Why do people use the phrase 'wait on them'?

I don't consider making a visitor a cup of tea, 'waiting on them'.
I was perfectly capable of making my own drink on my first visits after my DD got home with each of my DGCs, but my son in law had everything under control and wouldn't hear of it. I doubt he considered that he was 'waiting on me'.

I'm reasonably local to my DD so was able to offer to visit later if she needed any help and especially once her DH was back at work. But that first reasonably short visit was about checking she was okay and meeting the baby. As presumably, was OP's MILs visit when her son was presumably being the host in any practical sense.

In pretty sure that few mumsnetters refer to 'waiting on' their own mothers.

@saraclara

You do realise this post isn't about you, right?

Jeezzz, me, me, me, me, me! 🤦🏻‍♀️

You do realise this post isn't about you, right?

Christ, how unnecessary and unpleasant of you. It’s a public forum, lots of people have replied with their own experiences, WTF is your problem?

Sleep deprived and hormones - let it go this time. I'm sure she'll do many more things to irritate you in the future, but she'll probably also do lots of lovely things for your DC too.

The only reason I think you're being unreasonable is about the fact that your MIL doesn't owe you or your baby anything. She doesn't owe you or your baby a gift, she doesn't owe you her services to bring food, cook, clean, care for the baby and or you, etc. You come of as very entitled with this kind of mindset.

However where you're not being unreasonable is in feeling upset, hurt, annoyed, and whatever else you're feeling at MILs unnecessary comment regarding braces. It's definitely very odd to not bring anything then boast unabashedly that she'd pay for braces later. Especially when your baby doesn't even have teeth! Like how tf would she KNOW if your babies teeth would be crooked or whatever enough to warrant braces?? Also quite frankly, even though humor is subjective; imo, it's NOT funny to comment/"joke" about someone's appearance. Let alone an infant who can't even defend themselves yet.

I also think that your husband's defending her unnecessary comment isn't helpful to anything and is very dismissive of your feelings too. I definitely DO NOT agree with the majority of the comments on this that it's "not a big deal" or that "you should let it go, you're tired, you're hormonal..etc" NONE OF THAT MATTERS BECAUSE YOUR FEELINGS REGARDING THIS ARE VALID!! Regardless of why you're feeling what your feeling or what caused the trigger of those feelings they're still f-ing valid and they matter. They should be discussed and not bottled up inside. If you're really bothered (tbh, I'm bothered for you!) by her comment that I suggest sitting down with both her and your husband; and having a calm conversation with them. Telling MIL that you found the comment she made regarding your child to be hurtful and unnecessary; and that you would appreciate for her to refrain from making "jokes" regarding your child's appearance from now on. And telling husband that regardless if he agreed with your feelings he doesn't get to dismiss them. That if roles where reversed you would have empathy and understanding where he's coming from so he needs to take a moment and re-evaluate.

I think you are being a little selfish excepting people to send gifts. I mean if someone does come with gifts you should be grateful., but don’t expect it. I have a 10 month old baby and four other children that are in their late to mid teens and my mom has been dead for 15 years. Only two of my five kids ever had a baby shower and none that ever came to see me in the hospital after having my baby brought me gifts. The most I got ever while in the hospital was my father in law brought me food he cooked from home.

Sorry, I was texting fast I meant to say, expecting. You should expect nothing from anyone and just be happy that they even there to share your big moment.

Just a bad joke - let it go. The main thing is that she made a 4 hour round trip to see her new grandchild. Plenty of time to buy presents.

I'm going to be really honest here and say that I'm pushing 60.
My adult children are both in long term relationships and live absolutely nowhere near us.

Having looked at baby threads, I'm clearly clueless as to what to buy but I must admit I'd ask what was needed. I would probably transfer the money over for what they wanted.

That being said, I'd travel to visit my new grandchild , empty handed as I don't know what today's parents want or need. I'd be mortified to find out that an outfit or a toy was not acceptable, which often appears on MN.

I'd not know whether to intervene. Eg should I offer to clean or batch cook as I'd not want to offend. I'd be scared to offer to take the baby out as I'd not want to be seen as controlling.

MN has a lot to answer for when it comes to being a granny /MIL.

Many new mums cannot bear anyone to hold their PFB babies and MILs in particular get a good hiding on here.

Good dialogue is what's needed. Be open and honest.

Well said.
OP - yes, she should have offered to do some jobs (mine cleaned the house after my cs and stripped, washed and ironed the bed linen they’d used and remade the guest bed).
Yes, that was a stupid comment about braces showing that she hadn’t got her brain into gear.
Best to let it go and focus on baby - congratulations. If she says unpleasant things later on, you can respond then.

I think OP is long gone. This thread dates back to January.