First visit from MIL

[BettyOop99]

Pretty upset by this but not sure if it's the postpartum blues and IBU or if you would be upset too.

I'm a FTM and new baby is a week old. We've not had many visitors by choice - had a C-section and we've just been getting used to the new baby and surviving the first week.

Today we had the first visit from MIL, who tbf made a four-hour round trip on the train to see us and meet her first grandchild. Great so far.

My DH picked her up from the station in the morning, and when she arrived we'd just had a delivery of cards and flowers from friends. She looked embarrassed and said she felt bad that she had come empty handed. I didn't have a baby shower or specifically ask for gifts, but I did think she would pick up a card or something for the baby. AIBU? She didn't buy anything before baby was born either so it's not as if she had already bought.

Anyway, no bother - the day passed with her taking lots of pictures and having holds. She didn't offer to help us with anything, or make a drink or do anything really, unlike friends and family nearby who have brought food, offered to pick up things, etc.

Then, right at the end of the day, she comments about my baby's future looks and if she had so-and-so's teeth that "nanny would buy braces". WTF? Why are you commenting/thinking about that when the baby is only a week old?

You can't even remember a card but you can think about and offer braces to a week old baby?

It really upset me, but DH thinks I just don't get his DM's humour and thinks I should talk to her about it instead of saying something himself.

AIBU? Is this worth bringing up or has the moment passed?

I don't think our parents did anything practical when they visited our babies for the first time either. I wouldn't want someone who'd travelled a distance to arrive and roll their sleeves up though l.
Your husband was free for making tea and lunch I imagine, and I bet he wanted to make his mother happy and comfortable.

It's definitely unusual not to bring a gift for the baby, but maybe she left it at home and will bring something next time. It's not worth dwelling on.

I bet it's a distraction to deflect from her inability to make her own drink and bring a card.
If everyone is busy worrying who the baby will turn out like, they aren't reflecting on her bad manners.
There's an advert where the person comes to a party empty handed and they walk through the house and get let out the garden without being part of the party... maybe try that next time.

Of course local people can pop in and cook for you.. she’s given you a week of time before she visited and made a 4 hour train journey to meet her new grandchild. She didn’t do that to cook and clean. She’s probably not going to get to see baby often so understandably spent todays visit with the baby.

Totally understand where you are coming from - but leave it.

You are being very over sensitive- but that's normal. You have just had the biggest shock of your life aside from when you were actually born yourself. You've got an awful lot to manage, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Take it from me one day you will look back and laugh at how sensitive you were.

I mean all the above kindly - I was just the same.

I would let it go. Mothers and mother in laws are generally a bit annoying when you've just given birth, my mother makes stupid comments too, I choose to let it go. I am tired and hormonal most of the time after recently giving birth also and get wound up easily, but there is no point causing issues.

In the nicest possible way I really feel you’re overreacting. Not everyone is the sort of person that brings gifts and she travelled four hours to get there. It’s her first grand child and she’s excited. The teeth remark sounds like it was just messing around. Saying something about it would be a mistake I feel.

Well if baby needs braces in 15 years, remind her - they cost a fortune. I think expecting someone to make a 4 hour round journey to help out is a bit cheeky really. What's wrong with your dh - he's not just had a baby had he?

It’s great that your MIL made the train journey, but both my DM and MIL when they visited after babies born always came with cards and gifts, hand knitted blankets etc, think its pretty unusual not to even bring flowers for you. Also they would both make cups of tea and ask what needed doing, wash up etc. Surprised she didn’t offer, even more so if you’re recovering from surgery I would have thought. Early days though so definitely best to just be clear in the future and ask for help so she knows it is welcomed? Enjoy the lovely cosy early days at home together.

Maybe you are being a little OTT but a week after the birth is a very OTT time. Your MIL is a bit tactless and thoughtless but it probably wasn't intended.

Maybe she plans on finding out what you'd like her to get for your baby and something wonderful will turn up one day soon. Xx

My ILs took forever to buy anything for my fb which I found weird but made up for it further down the line with quite an expensive requested item.

my own mother also came with lots of promises to help but did next to nothing other than hold the baby for selfies etc..:

anyways the tiredness and hormones are intense that first week so I suspect you’ll look back at this eventually and realise you’re being a bit overly sensitive which is natural but not worth acting on!

get some more rest and enjoy your new baby bubble!

Being a first time mum is a crazy time.

I actually find most mums with only one child to be bat shit crazy, but everyone is first time mum crazy for some time.

I get everything feels big and important but it’s so so so very small in the scheme of things.

You’re whining about a piece of card and her reliving her own experiences with braces.

Card and braces.

Go and get in bed with baby and snuggle away the next 3 months in there. Not baby blues. Nesting and resting.

i honestly didn't care if people turned up without a card/gift. People are excited to meet the new member of the family. I can't imagine anything worse than people tidying my house ect. I don't know why it bothers me but it does. I hate people touching my stuff🙈

This 100% 💐

Yes she wasn't the model guest but there will be times when you're knackered with a young child in a couple of years and you'll forget a present or say the wrong thing. Let it slide and don't berate your MIL to your husband, it is his mum and I expect he wants her involved. She travelled 4 hours in a day which is a big ask for most people of grandparent age. Congrats on your baby.

Massive overreaction 🙄🙄🙄

Yeah complete over reaction. She made 4 hour round trip, a card or present really does not matter so yabu. And yep she was joking about braces

MIL seems fine. Lovely of her to travel so far in one day. You're over reacting

I felt a bit sorry for her in your account, maybe social niceties like card or flower giving are not her strong point? She made a huge effort to come and see her grandchild. Surely that's worth more than a card?

I cannot believe people are excusing the fact a grandmother hasn't bought a gift for their newborn first grandchild! That's awful. I'm glad she was embarrassed.

The other things you can let slide.

Are you just trying to find fault with her? The woman travelled 4 hours to see your baby. That's not nothing. As for helping she's not a mindreader.

You're overreacting to that and a throwaway comment.

You’re a FTM, she’s a first time MIl.
just make sure she helps next time.

In the nicest possible way you're overthinking it. It's humour. About her not cooking or making a drink, she might have felt like she was overstepping by doing that in someone else's house. I've never had a visitor turn up to my house and start making drinks for everyone or bring food with them. Even when both my babies were born (both c sections). Because we sorted all that stuff. And the gift.....do you know her financial situation? Unfortunately a gift is a gift, not compulsory.

I dont recall either sets of grandparents specifically buying a gift at the time of the first visit. Its their family member that's just been born too. What both sets did then do was spend my kids entire childhood buying them gifts, clothes, days out and so on! I don't see an issue with not turning up with a gift when you are such a close family member, it's different to a friend or cousin etc.

I actually think the MIL sounds awful, I wouldn’t turn up anywhere for a visit without bringing something and she hasn’t even given the OP a card to say congratulations.
neither would I expect to be waited on hand and foot by new parents, or make personal remarks to anyone let alone a mother with a week old baby, who’s bound to be feeling a bit sensitive.
I’m really surprised by most of the comments, I think the MIL is completely socially inept at best, probably a complete bitch in reality.
I do agree it’s not worth raising at this point though.

Dont say anything .
She was a bit lazy & insensitive but it’s not like she’s going to be around every 5 minutes is it ? The joke sounds like something I’d say tbh !
She made a lot of effort to visit . My parents flew abroad for a 2 week holiday before I’d even left hospital with my DS , I laugh now but at the time it stung !!
Im a first DGM now and I’m sure I irritate my DD but I adore my DGC , try very hard not to interfere or cause offence but I’m not perfect ( neither is she )!