First visit from MIL

[BettyOop99]

Pretty upset by this but not sure if it's the postpartum blues and IBU or if you would be upset too.

I'm a FTM and new baby is a week old. We've not had many visitors by choice - had a C-section and we've just been getting used to the new baby and surviving the first week.

Today we had the first visit from MIL, who tbf made a four-hour round trip on the train to see us and meet her first grandchild. Great so far.

My DH picked her up from the station in the morning, and when she arrived we'd just had a delivery of cards and flowers from friends. She looked embarrassed and said she felt bad that she had come empty handed. I didn't have a baby shower or specifically ask for gifts, but I did think she would pick up a card or something for the baby. AIBU? She didn't buy anything before baby was born either so it's not as if she had already bought.

Anyway, no bother - the day passed with her taking lots of pictures and having holds. She didn't offer to help us with anything, or make a drink or do anything really, unlike friends and family nearby who have brought food, offered to pick up things, etc.

Then, right at the end of the day, she comments about my baby's future looks and if she had so-and-so's teeth that "nanny would buy braces". WTF? Why are you commenting/thinking about that when the baby is only a week old?

You can't even remember a card but you can think about and offer braces to a week old baby?

It really upset me, but DH thinks I just don't get his DM's humour and thinks I should talk to her about it instead of saying something himself.

AIBU? Is this worth bringing up or has the moment passed?

It is a strange comment, but definitely not one to be upset about.

I don't necessarily agree that she "should" have done any of the stuff @ButterCrackers mentions, but I know my husband appreciated all the help we received, having also been up with the baby all hours. Looking after newborns is not only "work fit for women" either, so dads also get tired and appreciate a break.

You are are being ridiculous.

As family it’s normal to offer to help. The help can be refused but I find it something that I’d be offering if I’m a gran as I know just how tiring it is with a baby. I’d be saying what can I do to help and it would all the tough tasks I’d want to do - the bins, cleaning the bathroom/kitchen/ washing and folding, making a hot meal
anything. I’d go out to the shops and get a lot of what they wanted. I would do what they asked and hopefully it would help.

But anyway @BettyOop99 you don't address it with you MIL. Your complaints are a nothing in the scheme of things. All you will do is devastate your MIL after what will have been one of the most lovely and emotional days of her life.

I remember everything about the first hours I spent with my first grandchild. It was just magical and so emotional.

I can't begin to imagine getting a phone call afterwards telling me that I'd done something wrong and been found wanting. Why would you do that to someone over such trivia?

You are overtired. It really is making you sound unpleasant. Don't dwell on this or you'll make yourself very unhappy.

Congratulations on your baby.

Your MIL sounds rather dense. It is rude to turn up empty handed when visiting someone, particularly when they have just had a milestone event in the household. Also dense to start speculating on babies future looks. YANBU to be upset by both of those things, particularly as a post partum mum. I don’t think it would be wise to bring it up though, she will never hold her hands up and say she’s sorry, she’ll make excuses and call you emotional and over sensitive, don’t put yourself through that.

Thanks for all your comments - clearly I've reacted ott and am well aware my hormones are playing a huge role in how I'm reacting to things.

I guess I have developed a problem with her overtime (especially during the pregnancy, although it started when she was late to the wedding!) and I don't know why I expected any different.

During the pregnancy she begged to come to the baby show with us (we paid for her ticket and lunch) and she ended up buying everything we bought (except for big ticket items) for another new relative (nieces baby) and nothing for new GC. Weird, but I thought she was waiting for baby to be here.

She knew we were going in for induction two weeks ago, so plenty of time to think of something to bring? Though I accept it doesn't seem unreasonable for GPs to not buy anything from the comments.

But I guess I've just been brought up differently and DH and I have acknowledged this in the past - my single parent DM never had anything, but has always been the first to congratulate/send a card and a little, inexpensive but thoughtful gift on any big family occasions. She didn't and doesn't have enough to do more outside of these occasions. She has been round three times with extra nappies, a little gift for baby and some clothes, and painkillers for me. She has also changed a nappy, washed up, hoovered and is bringing food.

MIL has suggested she wants to come twice a month for a day at a time, but obviously it's too far for her to be lugging food and bits, so she'll just be a guest for those visits. The fact that she didn't offer anything is making me dread these regular visits - are we to expect to look after her as well as the baby each time? She's quite a young GM - early 50s, so the journey won't be too much.

And I won't address it - I've calmed down a lot since yesterday. But she does focus a lot on looks (was really done up so she looked nice in photos with baby yesterday) so if she says anything further I may not be able to hold my tongue.

We are very different!

Why would her looking nice have anything to do with the situation? Why would you comment on her looks?

Just worried that she'll only be focussed on the baby's looks in future - ridiculous I know, but it's hard enough for little girls without family members commenting on things. I'm obviously an overthinker

She has been round three times with extra nappies, a little gift for baby and some clothes, and painkillers for me. She has also changed a nappy, washed up, hoovered and is bringing food.

In guessing that your mum is very local then. So an entirely different situation.

If MIL is coming regularly, no, you don't have to look after her, but you can't expect her to read your mind. And as has already been mentioned, MILs are often wary of trying to help, as it can be seen as judgmental. There've been plenty of DILs on here who've seen a MIL spontaneously doing the washing up, as s criticism that it hadn't already been done.

So in a welcoming way, simply say 'MIL, I'll probably have my hands full, so do feel free to make yourself a drink whenever you want one.'
Or 'MIL, it looks like little one is going to be feeding forever, and the washing has just finished. Would you mind hanging it out for me?' ...etc etc

You may well find that having given her permission to do stuff, she'll be more proactive in asking what she can do..

I adore my sister and lived every moment of her pregnancies with her, but didn’t buy her a card for any of their births, it never crossed my mind. Look on the bright side, she’s 4+ hours away, and isn’t going to be there every day. Next time she comes tell her beforehand how glad you are she’s coming, it means you can have a bath, wash your hair and catch up on sleep, just what you need - certainly more useful than a card or flowers or yet another babygrow, only don’t say that last bit.

Do you expect all your day visitors to clean and shop for you after a couple of hours travel or just MiLs?

Ooh. That update!

Take a deep breath and remind yourself the train takes 2 hours to get to you. She won't come very often and you will, in time, be able to absent yourself and leave DH to it. You'll enjoy the break by then.

But do try really hard to evict her from your thoughts.

Never ever offer her to stay over... Ever.
Train at 50+ is fine!!

Comparing her to your Mum is where you are going wrong. If your Mum hadn't have done all the bits she did would you still think MIL should help around the house when she visits? My Mum turns up and makes a cup of tea and offers help, my MIL never has. I dont think any less of her as both are guests in my house so why should they?

If she's making a four round train journey in one day to see you, I think you need to cut her some slack in terms of helping out. She shouldn't be expecting you to wait on her hand and foot with a new baby, but equally you shouldn't expect her to turn up with food (I personally wouldn't want to eat food that's been sat on a train for two hours), or spend her short and infrequent visits cleaning.

I think the no card/no gift is a bit mean (given it's custom and you are close family) but stressing over it really isn't worth the energy.

I think the teeth comment has irked you because of everything else you've stated. It sounds like an awkward attempt at a joke, not an indicator that she's going to give your child a complex. You only need to worry about these comments if she persists at making them and/of when DD is old enough to understand.

I have replied to a post about a family member visiting a newborn and the newborn’s parents and that’s why their helping out would be in fact helpful. Hope that’s clear.

Ohhh dear, just let it go, this is only the begining.
Sounds exactly like my MIL, not really any social skills. I can't remember but I doubt she would have bought a card or gift when our kids were born - she did some knitting though. It just wouldn't occur to her to buy a gift but she has set up a bank account for both kids, so is more practical I guess.
She never helps around here either, again, wouldn't occur to her, she thinks she's a guest. Whereas my friends/family would bring round meals, hang washing etc.

Bit strange for her to comment about needing braces. my husband and I both had quite bad teeth and needed braces for long periods so we've already joked about how our DC will need them. Take her up on the offer when it comes around!

"MIL has suggested she wants to come twice a month for a day at a time, but obviously it's too far for her to be lugging food and bits, so she'll just be a guest for those visits. The fact that she didn't offer anything is making me dread these regular visits - are we to expect to look after her as well as the baby each time?"

What do you think 'looking after her' involves? Surely it's a few cup of teas and an extra sandwich at lunchtime. You could even ask her to make herself a cup of tea for herself and whoever else wants one if you are genuinely worried about the extra work 🤔

I don't think it's worth worrying about all of this like you are. Leave dealing with your MIL to your husband - if he doesn't see a problem then don't go looking for one.

It's not unusual for some families not to place any importance on gifts and cards. You are taking it as a something mean and unkind but you are wrong.

I wonder if DH has a role to 'look after' MIL?

Maybe your MIL needs to remain in the role of being looked after by DH, so she sees her status as needing to be cared for like DH's baby is.

Therefore she's stating she'll be a guest and you guys look after her, and she'll not be a mother figure to DH or you or the baby.

Oh sorry I completely misunderstood that; I remember now she commented on baby… sorry OP!

Oh for goodness sake. She's not 'stating' anything of the kind.

My in-laws lived 2.5 hours away. When they came to visit (and they'd stay overnight at our invitation) I saw them as my guests. Same as when my own parents visited for the day from 1.5 hours away. I didn't see myself as 'looking after' either set.
But unlike family who live locally, their visits were less frequent, so seemed a but more of an event. So we fed and watered them and were generally hospitable. We wanted them to enjoy their stay.. Obviously they were invited to help themselves to drinks etc, so it's not like we waited on them hand and foot constantly. But you seem to see making family welcome as some kind of patronising co- dependency thing. Which is just daft.

Unusual for a guest, let alone MIL, to not being a gift or card etc, it was thoughtless. Regarding future visits, think about just once a month. On that day try to get into a routine of, say, you preparing lunch while MIL takes baby for a walk to park, shops wherever on her own.