First visit from MIL

[BettyOop99]

Pretty upset by this but not sure if it's the postpartum blues and IBU or if you would be upset too.

I'm a FTM and new baby is a week old. We've not had many visitors by choice - had a C-section and we've just been getting used to the new baby and surviving the first week.

Today we had the first visit from MIL, who tbf made a four-hour round trip on the train to see us and meet her first grandchild. Great so far.

My DH picked her up from the station in the morning, and when she arrived we'd just had a delivery of cards and flowers from friends. She looked embarrassed and said she felt bad that she had come empty handed. I didn't have a baby shower or specifically ask for gifts, but I did think she would pick up a card or something for the baby. AIBU? She didn't buy anything before baby was born either so it's not as if she had already bought.

Anyway, no bother - the day passed with her taking lots of pictures and having holds. She didn't offer to help us with anything, or make a drink or do anything really, unlike friends and family nearby who have brought food, offered to pick up things, etc.

Then, right at the end of the day, she comments about my baby's future looks and if she had so-and-so's teeth that "nanny would buy braces". WTF? Why are you commenting/thinking about that when the baby is only a week old?

You can't even remember a card but you can think about and offer braces to a week old baby?

It really upset me, but DH thinks I just don't get his DM's humour and thinks I should talk to her about it instead of saying something himself.

AIBU? Is this worth bringing up or has the moment passed?

You reaction is completely over the top and very negative. She's travelled a 4 hour trip to see her baby and you've focused on a joke and the fact she didn't bring anything or offer to help.

I hope things settle down in future. New baby time is a bit of a crazy emotions time. It's all a bit intense

I am the kind of person who will buy loads of gifts and offer to clean your oven...so is my mother! My parents in law weren't. It was only a passing comment after knowing them a long time that made me realise that part of the reason for that was that they were afraid of offending me/us. They 'visited' and my mum got stuck in.
The first time visiting and if I had travelled 4 hours I can imagine that even I would want to sit on the sofa and soak up the experience

It took me ages to twig that it can be very different with your MIL then your own mum.
My own mum knew when I was overwhelmed and would take baby or help me get out and about or do a few jobs. MIL never did.

However, I remember once asking her for help. And she did what I asked and was quite delighted about it. From then on I always asked. When they visited she needed to be given a job to do-it just never occurred to me to ask. Perhaps worried about over stepping so sat too far back.

It was a silly, throwaway comment. We all make them from
time to time - and would be mortified to think that someone else was upset/bothered in the long term/would remember it and let it cloud their judgement of us. As you said, she came four hours on a train to see the baby. I’m sure she will be buying bits and gifts for your child well after the initial well wishers have stopped. Just let her find her feet as a gran and see how things go; don’t judge her too harshly at this point. And congratulations!

Hormones are making you over sensitive. Just enjoy your baby. Gifts from her will come, sooner or later.😉

She sounds thoughtless.

If this is a pattern of thoughtless comments, perhaps you should communicate with her on a similar level.

Just say whatever is in your head. Like she does. Eg " how can you not even bring a card but comment on baby needing braces"?

If a DM was staying for a few days, absolutely I'd hope they'd help out or make their own drinks etc. But this was a short visit of a few hours, bookended by two long train journeys. So it was about meeting the baby and chatting, not getting stuck in with the washing or cleaning, for goodness sake!

Friends and relatives living locally who can see the baby regularly, can afford to spend time in the kitchen if that's what you want. But clearly your MIL's time with her grandchild is going to be limited by distance. So let her just enjoy it for goodness sake!

Comparing what she does to compared to your friends isn't right. She has come to see her first grandchild, they have come to see their mate who has had a kid.

She obviously lives some distance away, did you expect her to get the hoover out or clean the bathroom rather hold her grandchild?

You are very much living in the moment right now, it's understandable. She is probably reminiscing about when hers were so young and is thinking about bringing her dc up, so she's thinking ahead, that's understandable too. As things progress you'll both relax a bit.

Just let it go. Not worth getting upset over x

Oh come on. Any good parent/grandparent would want to see their grandchild, it's the bare minimum not a high expectation. Travelling on a train consists of sitting in relative comfort, its not a trek across the alps. Most people, even just friends or work colleagues bring presents for newborns let alone grandparents and it is also normal to help the new parents out rather than sit and expect to be waited on.

Ops expectations are very very normal and entirely in line with social expectations, no mind reading needed.

The braces comment was weird. Possibly not ill intention but weird.

I think she felt really embarrassed and awkward about forgetting a card and gift in her excitement to meet her new grandchild.

I'm sure getting off on the wrong foot like that made her less comfortable to start doing things around your home.

Braces are really expensive, I think it was just a very clumsy way to say that she will be supporting you and the baby for years to come, as she was still embarrassed about the gift situation.

Definitely let it go.

Nobody is entitled to gifts. I can see how this would feel annoying if she makes it clear that she expects gifts from the two of you at birthdays etc, but if there's no expectation on her part then it's not OK for you to feel entitled to have other people spend their money on you. Gift giving is not a custom that everybody buys into (or can afford) and buying people things doesn't prove how much you love them. She came to spend time with you all and that's worth much more.

Her not helping out or offering practical support is not really a huge deal, again unless there's some back story. My mum would be rolling her sleeves up, washing and ironing, cooking, cleaning etc. MIL turns up once every 6 weeks (from 10 mins down the road), we make her a cup of tea and have polite chit chat and that's about it. She has never helped us with babies. But that's OK! Some relationships are more superficial than others. Where it gets fractious in our case is that MIL feels my mum gets priority treatment, which essentially boils down to the fact that she doesn't want to be more involved but wants my mum to be less involved so they are "equal". So unfortunately there's an undercurrent of unpleasantness. If your MIL is similarly competitive and snarky then I understand why her lack of support is irritating. If not, just accept that this is the relationship she is offering.

As for the comment about teeth, it just sounds like she was trying (and failing) to be funny. I'd probably have been a bit 🤨 but I'd have smiled politely and ignored. It's not a big deal. If it's something she keeps doing then it will be worth addressing.

I suspect you are in for many years of similarly fatuous and irritating, if largely inoffensive, remarks. You may need to try and switch off your reactions to her. I speak as someone who has had this experience.

Hooray, she lives two hours away 😉 Seriously though, postpartum amplifies everything emotional. Just file away her odd behaviour for information purposes in the future and forget it for now. On it's own, it is actually minor. Focus on mothering your newborn, resting, and adjusting.

Why? Can her son not keep the household going or is that work only fit for women?

I mean this really gently but you do sound a bit ott about this.
No card, yes, a bit odd but I bet my mortgage that she was just so excited to meet the baby she forgot!
I wouldn’t read anything into the comment, it’s her way of showing she cares but in your hormonal state you perceived it as criticism of you precious new baby.
Perhaps she doesn’t feel she knows you well enough or feel comfortable enough to roll up her sleeves and muck in? So many posters complain about their over invested MILs who take over!
Your dh is perfectly capable of doing anything that needs doing. You don’t need a SWAT team of people to help. You’ll find your own way and routines as a little family now. Lots of people don’t have friends or families close to step into the domestic chores.
Congratulations on your baby x

Bless you.

Firstly, congratulations!!

My first is nearly 19 now but I still remember my ex (thank God) MIL leaning over him in his pram and saying "he really doesn't get anything from you does he?"

Then she took to calling him "my little {insert exH's name}"

It used to get me SO upset. I actually despised her (not just for that, obvs). But now, I look back and tell myself that she just wasn't very bright and utterly tactless.

As my Gran used to say "more to be pitied than laughed at" 😂

I know it's incredibly hard but try to let it wash over you and thank the good lord she lives 2 hours away.

I don't think her comment was anything to get worked up about. Your baby doesn't have teeth so she wasn't making a rude comment about your baby's looks. Lots of people stare at babies and wonder who they look like in the family.

It's a shame she wasn't helpful but maybe if you aren't that close she didn't feel able to. Also some people themselves don't like other people invading their space so they automatically assume others don't. Some people will help out, some won't.

As for the gift, bit thoughtless but she did make the affort to visit. If you focus on the positives, she didn't come to stay for the week/whole month/want to move in; She hasn't told you how to feed your baby; she hasn't taken over or brought a whole room full of baby stuff to keep at her house for when baby come for sleepovers etc. A lot of women find their own mothers / parents are a bit more involved than their dh's, I think it's pretty normal. Just be glad she's an at a distance MIL.

The first thing my MIL did when I opened the door, 2 days after giving birth, was to look me up and down and say: Humph, you still look pregnant.
MILs can be awful. I use this as a reminder to myself not to be that way should the time come.
However, having had to pay for DC's braces, I would take your MIL up on the offer should your DC need them in future. 😜
Be kind to yourself. Having a newborn is a massive change in your life and a big operation takes a great deal of recovery. Congratulations on your new arrival xx

In laws can’t win , if you try and help you are interfering and judgemental. If you don’t you are thoughtless.

she seems a bit odd not bringing a gift or card but other than that and a weird sense of humour , let it go.

Different families do gifts differently. My husbands family barely did gifts and rarely did cards for anything. They were happy doing that and I didn't mind either. I can't remember but I doubt my MIL bought a gift for our kids when she first met them. She did later on but not much. That doesn't change the fact she couldn't love her grandkids.

You think that her son isn’t tired from the experience of first time parenting? Dads are parents too. His mother could have helped out and given him a break in doing so.

Seriously, I have paid for braces for 5 children, get it in writing!

That said, that would have upset me too. Congratulations on your new baby.

So many people here seeing a mum who's visiting from a distance for a few hours, as a skivvy.

When my parents and PILs came down to see their first grandchild, all I wanted or expected was for them to delight in our new family member. I don't have a clue whether they did or didn't do anything helpful. But I have some beautiful photos of them holding their DGD with such love and wonder in their eyes.