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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For me to be a SAHM my DH would have to earn.....

515 replies

CPHB2021 · 18/01/2023 17:32

Following on from a thread of 'if you knew all would be ok, I would...' and a resounding about said 'leave work and be a SAHP' I would absolutely LOVE to do this and by scraping the barrel, we probably could but we'd have little to no disposable income. I would only leave if I was able to still take my children to do things, meet friends for coffee etc. Go abroad once a year still. Have some money in savings. I often wonder HOW some of the mums at school don't work, we are technically 'above average' income which seem LUDICROUS given that we use almost all of it, every month! We live in the SE and I think our outgoings must be quite high! How much would one person have to earn for you to leave work?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 18/01/2023 20:22

Loads of jobs that are 25-30k. Many of them public service and why so many strikes. Not everyone is career orientated or capable of earning over 50k a year. The world needs people to do all jobs, and many of these that you probably take advantage of all the time pay low amounts. Probably why many of these people aren’t on one salary as it’s not enough to live off unless you live in a very cheap area and have low housing costs. Of course on MN everyone’s husband earns over 100k - in the real world that’s not the case

bonzaitree · 18/01/2023 20:22

I’d never be a stay at home mum irrespective of husbands salary.

seen so many women burned in divorce. Plus I like my career and having something just for me.

The idea of doing more than 1/2 the chores at home fills male with dread!

carmenitapink · 18/01/2023 20:23

bonzaitree · 18/01/2023 20:22

I’d never be a stay at home mum irrespective of husbands salary.

seen so many women burned in divorce. Plus I like my career and having something just for me.

The idea of doing more than 1/2 the chores at home fills male with dread!

Same!

Jimboscott0115 · 18/01/2023 20:23

Flurffyy · 18/01/2023 19:40

What are the jobs DH’s are doing that pay 25-30k, my DC earn more than that and they are in their early 20’s?

Well done you, look out for the Blue Peter badge coming in the post to you any day now.

carmenitapink · 18/01/2023 20:24

Ihatepcos · 18/01/2023 20:01

I'm a SAHWife, hoping to become a SAHM in the near future. I don't actually know how much my DH earns as he's self employed so no definite salary.

How can you plan to be a SAHM and rely on someone who doesn't even share their salary with you!

FfayeN · 18/01/2023 20:27

I would love to know how I could go and get one of these £150k jobs. I bust my arse in the government sector for £60k, but I have no degree and little transferable skill. It's so demotivating.

Ihatepcos · 18/01/2023 20:29

carmenitapink · 18/01/2023 20:24

How can you plan to be a SAHM and rely on someone who doesn't even share their salary with you!

Show quote history

He does share his salary with me. I have full access to all of our money and can spend what I like within reason. I just don't feel the need to ask him the ins and outs of how much he earns.

Jdjdntbhh · 18/01/2023 20:29

18 years ago I stopped working because I wanted to be a sahp

did so for 10 years

at that stage husband earned 75k and could supplement with income with private work

that amount of money paid bills and had no worries, and I absolutely loved being with my three all the time

i have just recently stopped working again as my three are 18/15/13 and I want to enjoy being with them again before they all leave home

Abeachsomewhere · 18/01/2023 20:31

I’m a SAHM and my DH earns only £23k (job that he loves as opposed to just working to pay the bills)… however, we own our home outright and both independently own other properties outright which bring in rental income. I was also fortunate to get an early inheritance from a family house sale which will enable us to buy a bigger house.

In my case I’d love to go back with work but having DC with SEN makes that currently impossible. I miss earning my own money (not counting rental income which I do very little to get) and the sense of identity that I had when I worked.

Chaz5rascals · 18/01/2023 20:32

I don’t mean to be rude but I can’t help be extremely curious about what jobs some of you or your husbands do to earn 250-500k. And where can I apply please 😁
Stay at home mum here, love it but can’t wait to return to work in the future

IAmTheWalrus85 · 18/01/2023 20:33

I’d say he’d need to earn about £150k-£170k for us to have an equivalent lifestyle as we have with two earners (including buying the benefits I get with work, like life insurance, private medical insurance, dental insurance, pension etc).

I wouldn’t want to be a one earner household though. We tried it for a while and neither of us enjoyed it. My DH had to work so much harder to make up for the fact I wasn’t earning that it cut back on our family time. I love spending time with the children, but I love family time more. Plus it didn’t feel fair to the children to have less time with their father because I wasn’t contributing financially, and vice versa.

Fullsomefrenchie · 18/01/2023 20:37

He does share his salary with me. I have full access to all of our money and can spend what I like within reason. I just don't feel the need to ask him the ins and outs of how much he earns

but then you know how much he earns?

curlymacv · 18/01/2023 20:37

I know it's not really relevant but I don't understand how so many people have DHs with such ludicrous salaries. What do they do??

Ihatepcos · 18/01/2023 20:38

Fullsomefrenchie · 18/01/2023 20:37

He does share his salary with me. I have full access to all of our money and can spend what I like within reason. I just don't feel the need to ask him the ins and outs of how much he earns

but then you know how much he earns?

No I don't. Like I said he's self employed and doesn't earn a set amount each month/year.

ThePalace · 18/01/2023 20:38

Personally, I wouldn't be a SAHP so no amount of money but hypothetically, to maintain our current level of living, at least £100k

BeyondMyWits · 18/01/2023 20:38

I was a sahm for a while, Dh earned about £40k. My self esteem and self confidence took a bit of a hit though so I got part time work after 5 years.

Rewis · 18/01/2023 20:41

I recently listened to a podcast where they decided for the wife to stay home a few years with the kids. Their agreement was tat the husband would pay certain amount to the wife's personal account so she can do her own investments so that she's not totally broke if he leaves.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2023 20:44

Logically if you're comfortable now, he needs to earn take-home what you bring home now + what he brings home now + your pension contribution + a bit extra to whack into savings as one wage is unlikely to go up the same way two wages do.

If you bring home 50 each now after tax then maybe 110-120 after tax.

If you bring home 25 each now after tax then maybe 60.

Zone2NorthLondon · 18/01/2023 20:45

Rewis · 18/01/2023 20:41

I recently listened to a podcast where they decided for the wife to stay home a few years with the kids. Their agreement was tat the husband would pay certain amount to the wife's personal account so she can do her own investments so that she's not totally broke if he leaves.

Why? As an unwaged adult she’s getting free accommodation,free food,free utilities
why would there be an expectation of compensation or remuneration from the salaried partner? There is a huge burden on the sole earner they don’t need to compensate the unwaged parent. at all. If one wants financial security, get a job

sageandrosemary · 18/01/2023 20:46

Gosh, the incomes on here are blowing my mind!

DP earns around 50k pre-tax + a bonus (between 10-20k) and I'm pretty much a SAHM.

grumpycow1 · 18/01/2023 20:46

Flurffyy · 18/01/2023 19:40

What are the jobs DH’s are doing that pay 25-30k, my DC earn more than that and they are in their early 20’s?

🙄🙄🙄

Ruffpuff · 18/01/2023 20:47

Dp and I both earn 21k each working FT (before tax, NI, pensions, etc). We’d be stuffed if one of us had to give up work. I don’t think I could live on less than 40k as a family now. I was a SAHM 2.5 yrs ago while dp was earning 19k a year (no benefits, only cb), it was utterly miserable and stressful but it was the only choice thanks to childcare costs.

Rewis · 18/01/2023 20:47

What are the jobs DH’s are doing that pay 25-30k, my DC earn more than that and they are in their early 20’s?

Well if average salary is £33k and median is £28k. I'd say quite a few jobs. But you knew that.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/01/2023 20:48

Ihatepcos · 18/01/2023 20:29

He does share his salary with me. I have full access to all of our money and can spend what I like within reason. I just don't feel the need to ask him the ins and outs of how much he earns.

Show quote history

@Ihatepcos

a “stay at home wife”?
what does that entail?

grumpycow1 · 18/01/2023 20:48

Zone2NorthLondon · 18/01/2023 20:45

Why? As an unwaged adult she’s getting free accommodation,free food,free utilities
why would there be an expectation of compensation or remuneration from the salaried partner? There is a huge burden on the sole earner they don’t need to compensate the unwaged parent. at all. If one wants financial security, get a job

Show quote history

If they can’t afford childcare and both parents to work, or choose for a parent to stay with the kids. Regardless of the reason the SAHP loses out on career progression while the working parent is free to increase their earning potential. The SAHP should absolutely be compensated as a safety net.