For me to be a SAHM my DH would have to earn.....

[CPHB2021]

Following on from a thread of 'if you knew all would be ok, I would...' and a resounding about said 'leave work and be a SAHP' I would absolutely LOVE to do this and by scraping the barrel, we probably could but we'd have little to no disposable income. I would only leave if I was able to still take my children to do things, meet friends for coffee etc. Go abroad once a year still. Have some money in savings. I often wonder HOW some of the mums at school don't work, we are technically 'above average' income which seem LUDICROUS given that we use almost all of it, every month! We live in the SE and I think our outgoings must be quite high! How much would one person have to earn for you to leave work?

Shocking isn’t it?

I think we’re quite happy and stable, we have savings and one is in university, which we pay for. Cheap cars, fun family times etc …

The salaries people earn on here are insane 😂😂

What is it that pi puts you off being a SAHM? Asking as I’ll need to decide what to do in terms of working options in 6 months time…

Handful of kids in private school, long haul holidays Easter, Summer and October, high rate pensions, mortgage on a large house down South and a holiday home somewhere nice, high rate of savings?

Why would you rather work?

it puts you in a vulnerable position financially if you break up. You won’t have developed your career/ earning potential, and that can be hard to develop later on after a big break in employment, especially if you have young kids at that stage. If you needed to return to the job market at any stage you may find yourself unemployable, without references or up to date skills. If you ever needed to quickly end the relationship (abuse, cheating etc.) lack of money or lack of access to money would severely impact your ability to do that.

Also as a SAHM you’d be expected to do more of the housework / mental load / errands/ organising calendars / cleaning etc etc. I personally hate all that and would rather split it than take on the bulk of that work myself.

Then there is the aspect of having your own goals, your own place to go in the day, your own time. Lots of people get immense satisfaction from building and developing a career.

Then there is the pressure on the family of there only being one income. If your husband gets made redundant or something happens with his industry that becomes a massive problem. If there are two incomes it’s less of a problem.

for me, it’s too big of a risk. No one thinks their DH is going to leave them but the reality is so many do!!

So many of the salaries on here, and the completely skewed idea that they "aren't enough" seems to sum up so much of what is wrong with the pay structure across the country.
Staggers me that there is anyone who thinks people like nurses, paramedics, teachers, and social workers shouldn't be paid twice what they are, in comparison to the "worth" of different jobs.

I would have loved to be a stay at home parent when my children were small. I worked very part time. Increasing my hours as my children got older. I have really appreciated my financial independence and having something for me. Giving up independence needs to be thought through carefully I think.

I agree, I’ve had to start again financially as a single mum and wouldn’t have managed to get a mortgage without my job. Relying on anyone for the roof over your children’s head is scary.

About 100k? And what about having no pension? Or lots of family help and inheritance like some people we know

@Mumof2under5 im would much rather work than stay at home. I love my job, it fulfills me. I got so bored at home for a few years I literally ran back to work! Being at home was so lonely and boring really. I love my kids but I hated the monotony.

I’m currently a SAHM, DH earns between 75-95k depending on bonuses. We live far from family so the childcare is just me and nursery. I don’t really spend much money on things; he doesn’t either as doesn’t have much time and mostly his hobby is doing a sport. I try snd save about 1k a month. I’m thrifty by nature and I don’t like going on holidays 😂 I get very bored and there’s only a few ‘destinations’ I really am interested in; I’m very picky about how I spend any time I have! I deffo don’t want to spend it sat on my arse or on a beach. We are currently doing a big renovation so that is a money drain but I do a lot of DIY. I do miss work though and thinking about going back a day or 2 a week as DS is in nursery a couple of days. X

This is it. It's not about the money, it's about independence and not putting yourself at risk. Ever.
Can't believe the amount of women (it's always women) falling into this trap. It's a trap. It's a very short time. And teenagers want to go on trips, they don't want to hang around with you. And you lose your earning power and your pension contributions.
And if your husband is a prick/ get ill/ change you for a younger model, good luck to you.
Why this is not taught at school to girls?

I was a SAHM and DH earned a lot. However he ran a company (partnership) and was self employed. He employed over 100 people and has several professional qualifications which are more advanced than a standard nurse or teacher. I would say they couldn’t do what he did. So he was worth what he earned. Being self employed your expertise is being valued, in effect, by others. So as he was really busy and earned multiples of my local government salary (even as a Principal Officer) I gave up work. I really really missed work. What I didn’t miss was always chasing my tail trying to fit everything in! It wasn’t worth the angst so once I got used to not having my own money, I relaxed. DH earned more than enough. I did voluntary work instead.

Just to add - and yes it is important as pp’s have said - you can still organise a pension even if you aren’t ‘working’. You can invest ‘spare’ income in a variety of ways; and you can (depending on where you live) make voluntary contributions to a state pension and/or buy extra trimesters. Where I live, some time ‘off’ for primary pre-school childcare can also be added towards a state pension. So worth investigating your options if you are out of the workforce for some time x

Around £105k I’d say.

My husband is the lower earner by a long way and needs life insurance to cover the cost of all the extra childcare, etc., I'd need to work if something happened to him. Of course a stay at home parent has value too.

It seems like mortgages are often the big reason people either can/can’t have one parent SAH or go seriously part time.

Musing if it’s better to prioritise less children/smaller house and more financial independence. We’re lucky with our mortgage because of inheritance but this isn’t our forever home, and reading some of these responses I definitely don’t want to be mortgaged up to the hilt for a big house. Really interesting answers.

NW with £1000 pm mortgage. I earned 40% of our combined income when I became SAHM. After 10 years, I retrained and now earn 25% of our combined income and DP is WFHD so picks up the home stuff. so we don’t pay childcare.

We earned less 10 years ago but felt better off…that’s a combination of living expenses going up (kids cost more when they get older) and inflation. We are still able to save, go on holiday, do DIY etc but much less so than before.

My takeaway is that if we are living within our current means then we’ll be ok. We are alright but we don’t feel as flush as we did 10 years ago and are definitely more cautious.

Your question really depends on where you live and the lifestyle you want to lead and what you will happily go without.

I became a sahm 8 years ago, DCs 1 & 3, after childcare we were coming out with an extra £10/month with me working full time. Getting up at 5.30/6am leaving the house by 7am & getting home at 6 30pm with exhausted children we hadnt seen all day. Then there were the problems with work everytime one of them was sick. We decided that I would stay home and then at least one of us was home with them, no hassle with taking time off for appointments, lots of trips to the park and plenty of home time.

We now have 3 DCs youngest just started school, but all 3 in primary. There is no rush for me to go back to work, I do school runs, clubs, parks after school activities.

DH was on £28k, me £22k when I became a SAHM. DH focused on work and now earns significantly more these days. We had already saved a lot before I gave up work so we’re in a position to buy within a year of me becoming a SAHM, this reduced living costs as our mortgage was less than half our rent. We obviously don’t live in a premium postal code area but in an area with good school catchment and where we can have a decent sized home we can enjoy. Certainly don’t live in the SE.

We would definitely benefit from an extra wage but right now we are happy with me being around while DCs in primary school. We've done 2 overseas trips in 8 years & 2ncaravan holidays. Our “holidays” usually consist of long weekends in premier inns term time and when I can get deals/vouchers on theme parks or if we book an event or show. The rest of the time we have been able to set the house/garden up so school holidays are fun with lots out outdoor activities & day trips so DCs don’t feel they are missing out.

DCs do plenty of clubs we just make sure we can afford them. Luckily uniform costs are low with 3 girls there are lots of hand me downs with guides etc.. Any club or activity that’s going to costs ( e.g gymnastics uniform & clubs) we play by ear and discuss the financial implications with DDs.

There is a great deal of budgeting and most of mine & DHs clothes come from Asda or matalan, there is no need for either of us to be in expensive work suits like days gone by.

Also as we had children late in life both of us had done of party/social life to death, we rarely go out now, but if we do we budget for it. We are happy to sacrifice a social life.

I'm a single parent and am very very happy to be so. For me if I wanted to stop work to be with the DC more (I love my job and it's very flexible so I don't intend to) it would never be to allow another adult to "keep" me. It would mean a whole change if lifestyle such as a long career break to travel with DC or to sell up and move to a small holding and find a different way to live. So money wouldn't really be the main issue. If you really wanted to be a SAHP you could find a way.

@AliceMcK this is a great answer, you sound like a really sensible couple who’ve made choices that work for you and your family. I really like reading about people doing this on normal wages, rather than everyone saying they couldn’t have a household income of less that £200k. It really shows that you can do it with certain lifestyle choices.

Some people enjoy their jobs, they do something worthwhile that is either positive for their self esteem or involves helping others and making a difference. Some people like the social aspect and being busy and having a life outside the home. Work can be fulfilling in many ways.

In our case we got married and had a family later (I was 36 when we had no 1) and both had our own houses when we met (mine mortgage free and DHs only had a couple of payments left). I was a SAHM with no 1 then we both became SAHP when no 2 was little. It's been lovely to both be around for school assemblies, plays, school runs etc, but we do feel fortunate to be able to do that.

I have been a sahw/student when dh was only on £26k and we got by even though we were renting and were not able to save.

We now have 2 kids and for the lifestyle we want, dh would have to earn 200k. I think at a push 120k may be sufficient but that's not the lifestyle we'd want so I'd have to go back to work for more. We could even make do with less but that would mean cutting out savings and classes for children but I'm willing to do that.

It's really how you cut your cloth, isn't it?

We are in London.