To expect DH to sort his own lunch?

[Glasshopper]

This is a recurring issue that I'm finding very tiresome. We both WFH, and every day come lunchtime DH appears downstairs and asks what we have for lunch. I take ADHD meds that suppress my appetite so I tend to skip lunch and pick at something later in the afternoon, and frankly rustling up his lunch is not on my radar whilst I'm sat at my laptop in the middle of something.

He gets very mardy and flustered if it's not immediately obvious what is available to eat, and seems unable to look in the fridge and assess what ingredients we have and come up with a plan. I had batched cooked a chilli at the weekend, and we finished it off yesterday. He's just appeared and asked in rapid succession, before even looking in the fridge, whilst I was in the middle of something (he interrupts me with impunity):

"What do we have for lunch?"
"Did we eat the last of the chilli?"
"There are no leftovers in the fridge then?"
"Do we have any bread?"

At this point I grew exasperated and snapped that yes, as I already said we ate all the chilli. Then I asked why I am the only one who is expected to keep track of the kitchen inventory at all times and plan out his lunch for him, and he huffed off up to his office as though I'm highly unreasonable.

I'm just tired of having to plan meals for an adult man as though he's a toddler. He gets in a mood with me if I show any frustration with this and it leads to an atmosphere, making me feel like I just need to make his food to keep the peace. AIBU?

If you only have a small set up can't you work from a corner in your bedroom? Have the door shut if you do not want to be disturbed and open if not. Got to be better than working in the lounge.

He's gaslighting you OP. He's clearly an intelligent man (holding down a tech job) so there's no way he's not understanding what you're saying to him, but he's twisting it to suit himself. It's not healthy. And it sounds to me like this is a bigger problem than just who cooks lunch. I'd be evaluating the relationship as a whole OP, this will only get worse (sorry)

How is the rest of the marriage OP? these things are rarely isolated.
absolutely agree with this^

I would make food shopping, meal planning and cooking entirely his job. For the household.
Maybe you could take over laundry in exchange.

Tell him - you have ADHD, don't like cooking and don't eat lunch, therefore he needs to do all the food-work from now on.

Then don't get involved! If he asks you what's for lunch/dinner, just remind him that's his job.

Have you both read the Harry Potter books? Start referring to him as Ron Weasley if you have!

"Oh here is Ron Weasley again, waiting for the house elf to magically produce another delicious meal!"

DH WFH and I make him lunch. Difference is I'm a sahm of school age DC. If I was working as well I wouldn't do it!

I don't have ADHD but don't particularly enjoy cooking either. More of a chore.

I know you don't want to do this, but could you double up on ingredients and freeze things , so if he wants cooked foods you just tell him to get one and Nuke it.

My friend does this as her DH was doing this, she now has about 10 cooked things in the freezer.
I also use my slow cooker and set things cooking when I get up they are ready to eat about 1 ish,

I really think you need to sort this out OP, it's the kind of issue that can eat away at a relationship (no pun intended!). He needs to be able to have a grown up conversation.

Bloody hell!

Just LTB.

I had a gaslighting sexist H like yours. I had 2 DC before I realised he never saw me as an equal to him. Just saying.

I do this sometimes, but he'll still ask me what have to eat and will ask me to plate it up for him. Actually he seems to have a thing about his food being plated up for him. For example, if he's coming home from the gym late I'll eat before he gets home and he'll act put out that his plate isn't already dished up for him when he gets in, because that's what him mum did (I'll leave the food in the oven or in the pot so it stays hot). Very irritating! I know I sound pandering to him but I'm really not, we bicker about this stuff frequently. I think I'm just going to let him be annoyed and not apologise anymore and hopefully that will condition him to give up his expectations.

My last post was in response to the suggestion to batch cook!

He totally sees you as a substitute mother. Does it not give you the ick?

I’ve just read your updates. He sounds like a man child.

And your plan is, essentially, to hope that he changes…

You need a better plan.

why don't you agree to do your own meal planning and cooking? its obviously not working for either of you as things are, his wants and needs for hot meals and yours for crisps etc

so why not do solo meal planning and your own shopping etc. Obviously shared items in the fridge like butter, bread - but otherwise get your own foods.

If you are suggesting foods and he doesn't "fancy" them then it would just make sense to me that he gets his own stuff. That way he can get foods he likes and does want to eat

you can still eat together if you want but different foods

• If you continue to cook for him at all, you are pandering to him.
• If you dish up his food because he’s ‘put out’ you’re not catering to him like his mum, you’re pandering to him.
• Every single time you apologise for not being appropriately Stepford, you are pandering to him.

Bickering doesn’t change that. You’re not a housewife in the 1950’s - this sort of ‘standing up for yourself’ is how women sought to attempt to assert themselves in some small way, in times when we had no power. We are no longer in that position, thankfully.

Don’t bicker or ‘tell him off’. State your boundaries, state what is unacceptable behaviour and why (this means addressing patterns of behaviour, as you’ve done here, not specific incidents), and then do not budge. If he’s upset, he’s upset.

Someone asked this upthread, but how is the rest of your marriage? It seems unlikely that this is an isolated area of disrespect and sexism. Do you feel that he generally treats you with respect, listens to what you say and regards you as an equal partner.

Bickering is not you standing up for yourself. In fact, if anything, it feeds his narrative even more because a) you still do whatever it is he wants (respond to his questions, feed him etc) and b) he gets to feel like a victim because you are "mean" to him.

Plating up if you've cooked and that's how he prefers it - okay, whatever. Seems silly and petty but fine. Preparing his bloody lunch when you're not even eating lunch yourself is totally not okay.

The dynamic that he treats you poorly and then you apologise to stop him sulking is not healthy at all. And that he doesn't value your job, time or feelings. He's like a 12 year old in a man's body and you're his mummy.

Can you set your work station in the lounge facing a wall or window and get a rolling screen to pull around it so he doesn’t see you when he comes down stairs, then put on headphones and ignore him.

Alternatively make a sign on a stick saying “Busy working DO NOT DISTURB” that you hold up to him as soon as he comes downstairs and keep your head down.

You keep saying that you don’t pander to him butt in the next post mention how you end up giving in, apologizing and letting it go. I think you need to stick to your guns more.

Marriage counseling might also work. It sounds a bit like the two of you have built up a pattern for interacting that really isn’t working for you. But it can be hard to break that without causing hurt and a professional can help you with that.

Obviously this would only work budget depending but what about meal kits like hello fresh or something... ingredients all measured out instructions to had ...you could even get a box for three and he could have the 'leftover' portion for lunch ...could solve his kitchen troubles?

He wants a hot meal at lunch

Well, he can cook one or pop out to a local cafe then.

This is called 'learned helplessness' and you are enabling him.

Just stop it. It's so disrespectful to you. Tell him to sort himself out, cook his own lunch or buy a cook book.

Also could you go back to working in an office? Leave him to his own devices.

Just be careful, I stopped making my husband WFH lunches and now he goes out and spends shopping money on fancy meats, cheeses and other things for his lunches that seriously eats into our food budget.

It seems his concept of lunch and mine are very different, and his concept seems to be a gourmet meal similar to what he would sit down and eat if he was working in the city.

It was cheaper when I just shoved him a cheese sandwich and a bag of crisps!

I have the same problems with butting in on my calls and in my office. Not solved that one yet either.

What a spoilt loser you have chosen to marry.

How can you find such a tedious child sexually attractive?

You are his mother.

How could you marry him after seeing how he treats his mother?

For goodness sake don't have children with such a selfish waster who doesn't respect you, your work, your space.

Wait, am I reading this right? She should continue to pander to this man because otherwise he'll spend all the housekeeping money in his silliness.

Inky, it's clear you have a similarly useless DH, but please please do not suggest the OP should continue to do this. Both of you clearly need better lines.