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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has a son ?? 😢

526 replies

CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 20:49

So I’ve been seeing a guy for 12 weeks after meeting online dating. Literally dates Atleast twice a week.

anyway tonight he tells me he can’t see me for 2 weeks. I thought he was going away for work so I asked. And his response is he’s having his little boy while the mum goes on holiday.

im absolutely gobsmacked and a little hurt. He has never once mentioned having a child. I also have on my profile that I don’t date people with children. Personal and selfish reasons being that due to a medical reason I need ivf or help to try and have children and I know i won’t get it on the nhs if my partner had a child. For reference I already know I am entitled too it on the nhs for my condition.

what do I do. I do like this guy but he’s lied to me over his child. But then I think what if I don’t meet anyone else I like. Help.

OP posts:
WildFlowerBees · 18/01/2023 08:48

He hasn't lied he's omitted to tell you he has a son. It wouldn't be a dealbreaker necessarily but I'd run anyway because being a step parent is shit.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 18/01/2023 08:50

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I have a child, it's mentioned before dates. He's a big part of my life, I won't hide that from anyone. If someone doesn't want to date me because I have a child, that's not a problem. I would never deceive someone in the hopes of forcing them to change their mind. It's not fair. Everyone has certain things they do / don't want in a relationship, this is no different.

Naunet · 18/01/2023 08:51

WildFlowerBees · 18/01/2023 08:48

He hasn't lied he's omitted to tell you he has a son. It wouldn't be a dealbreaker necessarily but I'd run anyway because being a step parent is shit.

He has lied, he said on his profile he didn’t have kids. That’s a lie.

sillybillyboo1 · 18/01/2023 08:51

VioletaDelValle · 18/01/2023 08:37

Shock horror..... lots of restaurants are open all day or from early evening and many people prefer eating early, especially during the week!

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Safety as well, for me, wouldn't want to be so late with a man i barely knew

monitor1 · 18/01/2023 08:52

CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 20:49

So I’ve been seeing a guy for 12 weeks after meeting online dating. Literally dates Atleast twice a week.

anyway tonight he tells me he can’t see me for 2 weeks. I thought he was going away for work so I asked. And his response is he’s having his little boy while the mum goes on holiday.

im absolutely gobsmacked and a little hurt. He has never once mentioned having a child. I also have on my profile that I don’t date people with children. Personal and selfish reasons being that due to a medical reason I need ivf or help to try and have children and I know i won’t get it on the nhs if my partner had a child. For reference I already know I am entitled too it on the nhs for my condition.

what do I do. I do like this guy but he’s lied to me over his child. But then I think what if I don’t meet anyone else I like. Help.

"I know i won’t get it on the nhs if my partner had a child"

Are you sure of that? in my area you would only be disbarred from NHS IVF if you both have a child, or you have one together. Have you checked your local policy?

sillybillyboo1 · 18/01/2023 08:52

Naunet · 18/01/2023 08:51

He has lied, he said on his profile he didn’t have kids. That’s a lie.

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Being a step parent is shit? Oh that's a lovely comment

Wellwell82 · 18/01/2023 08:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Busybeemumm · 18/01/2023 08:56

Ivf or no ivf he has lied and a massive lie at that. You have had a lucky escape as only been dating a short while- end it now before you get in too deep. He isn't someone you can trust. It also seems sad for his son that his father was hiding his existence! I'm sorry OP but you will go on to find someone else as hard as that seems now. Don't settle for someone you can't trust.

Naunet · 18/01/2023 08:56

sillybillyboo1 · 18/01/2023 08:52

Being a step parent is shit? Oh that's a lovely comment

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What?! Did you reply to the wrong comment? I didn’t say anything about being a stepparent.

GerbilsForever24 · 18/01/2023 08:57

He has replied to me. He said he didn’t tell me as he saw on my profile I wouldn’t date anyone with kids.

This is an even bigger red flag. He is 100% admitting that he decided consciously to lie to you and that he carried on that lie because HIS desire to date you was more important to him that any desire to respect your feelings. Good riddance.

sillybillyboo1 · 18/01/2023 09:03

Naunet · 18/01/2023 08:56

What?! Did you reply to the wrong comment? I didn’t say anything about being a stepparent.

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Yes, sorry!

sillybillyboo1 · 18/01/2023 09:07

GerbilsForever24 · 18/01/2023 08:57

He has replied to me. He said he didn’t tell me as he saw on my profile I wouldn’t date anyone with kids.

This is an even bigger red flag. He is 100% admitting that he decided consciously to lie to you and that he carried on that lie because HIS desire to date you was more important to him that any desire to respect your feelings. Good riddance.

It's incredibly immature at the least. But its really quite disturbingly self centred

HaggisWurst · 18/01/2023 09:07

Coming from someone who has gone through years of fertility struggles before finally having my son, you've 100% done the right thing. You know what you need in a relationship, and not only does he fulfil that but he lied on top of it. Two reasons not to take it further.

Wdib78 · 18/01/2023 09:10

He's a twat for lying. But do you really think putting on your profile that you won't date someone with kids may put some men off as they may take it that you don't want kids at all.

If one partner has kids you can still have ivf on the NHS but you would have to pay and it's a lot cheaper than going private, speaking from experience.

sillybillyboo1 · 18/01/2023 09:14

Wdib78 · 18/01/2023 09:10

He's a twat for lying. But do you really think putting on your profile that you won't date someone with kids may put some men off as they may take it that you don't want kids at all.

If one partner has kids you can still have ivf on the NHS but you would have to pay and it's a lot cheaper than going private, speaking from experience.

Isn't that literally the point to put some men off? Unfortunately as this post shows there are still some men who feel entitled to lie/push boundaries for their own sense of entitlement.

Wdib78 · 18/01/2023 09:17

sillybillyboo1 · 18/01/2023 09:14

Isn't that literally the point to put some men off? Unfortunately as this post shows there are still some men who feel entitled to lie/push boundaries for their own sense of entitlement.

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She'll put men off that want kids in the future is my point.

PrincessConstance · 18/01/2023 09:21

Do men even read dating profiles?
He was obviously trying his luck, most matches are fleeting.
I don't know about this 12 weeks means nothing. Dp and I were moving in together after that time period.

sillybillyboo1 · 18/01/2023 09:24

PrincessConstance · 18/01/2023 09:21

Do men even read dating profiles?
He was obviously trying his luck, most matches are fleeting.
I don't know about this 12 weeks means nothing. Dp and I were moving in together after that time period.

Really i think is rather hasty certainy not the norm

sillybillyboo1 · 18/01/2023 09:27

Wdib78 · 18/01/2023 09:17

She'll put men off that want kids in the future is my point.

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No i think lots of people would just read is as dont want someone who already has kids and plenty of people will think yeah i'm not bothered about kids but change their mind anywsy

theemmadilemma · 18/01/2023 09:31

I think you did the right thing.

Even my exH had the balls to tell me about his child before we actually met in person.

Did he think you weren't going to notice? He missed every opportunity so he knew it was an issue for you, and avoided it.

Wellwell82 · 18/01/2023 09:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Fuckstix · 18/01/2023 09:38

Wdib78 · 18/01/2023 09:10

He's a twat for lying. But do you really think putting on your profile that you won't date someone with kids may put some men off as they may take it that you don't want kids at all.

If one partner has kids you can still have ivf on the NHS but you would have to pay and it's a lot cheaper than going private, speaking from experience.

It doesn't put men off in my experience other than those with kids which is the idea.

Plenty of men also stipulate the same, they want children but not to meet someone who has them already. In my experience (self, other women, and men I have met), it's nothing at all against kids/ mums/ dads.

Many apps allow you to tick a box saying you want kids anyway so it's clear.

Moveoverdarlin · 18/01/2023 09:39

Yep knock this on the head now. Firstly because he lied but secondly, if you’re single with no baggage do not enter in to a relationship with someone who has a child. Start your own little family unit with the right man. You only have to look on here at the endless issues women have with step-kids and mental ex-wives / girlfriends to realise what a burden they are.

Pr1mr0se · 18/01/2023 09:39

sillybillyboo1 · I agree with you. As you'll see from my further comment I didn't read the original posters comments in full before posting.

Dove88 · 18/01/2023 09:40

The fact that he hasn’t even accidentally mentioned his son this whole time tells me he isn’t that invested as a dad. Would you even want a child with someone like that?