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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has a son ?? 😢

526 replies

CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 20:49

So I’ve been seeing a guy for 12 weeks after meeting online dating. Literally dates Atleast twice a week.

anyway tonight he tells me he can’t see me for 2 weeks. I thought he was going away for work so I asked. And his response is he’s having his little boy while the mum goes on holiday.

im absolutely gobsmacked and a little hurt. He has never once mentioned having a child. I also have on my profile that I don’t date people with children. Personal and selfish reasons being that due to a medical reason I need ivf or help to try and have children and I know i won’t get it on the nhs if my partner had a child. For reference I already know I am entitled too it on the nhs for my condition.

what do I do. I do like this guy but he’s lied to me over his child. But then I think what if I don’t meet anyone else I like. Help.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 18/01/2023 07:06

GreenWheat · 18/01/2023 06:47

You have articulated what I was thinking. What the OP wants is a man with no children who is willing to take the risk of IVF as his only chance to have children. That's fine, but definitely something to be upfront about.

Show quote history

Which is exactly what the OP did… She was open and up front with him and he blatantly lied by omission.

They had a discussion about it ffs.

Wellwell82 · 18/01/2023 07:12

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IncompleteSenten · 18/01/2023 07:18

His reason would make me even more sure that dumping him was the right decision.

He's just told you that what you want (your 'boundaries' I suppose you could say) don't matter to him and he will attempt to get his own way through deception.

Imagine what a relationship with somone like that would be like!

Chaz5rascals · 18/01/2023 07:22

BitOutOfPractice · 17/01/2023 22:21

How has he lied?! You’d think, wouldn’t you, that in the course of more than 20 dates, he’d have mentioned his son? He’s lied by omission. And it’s a pretty big lie.

sorry op but you know you can’t come back from that, regardless of the ivf situation. I wonder what else has slipped his mind to tell you?

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@BitOutOfPractice I was asking where the lie came in directly if in fact it did but it appears it didn’t. He hid the fact he has a child because it suited him and he believed that would help him get what he wanted out of this nice young woman; that says a lot about him and would be why I got rid of him!

Penguinsaregreat · 18/01/2023 07:27

Good decision op.
What a knob.
If he can lie about that what else is he lying about?
I’d guess he’s probably lied about his age and shaved a few years off and possibly lied about his height.
Its a hard dump and ghost from me.
Complete red flag.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 18/01/2023 07:27

Chaz5rascals · 18/01/2023 07:22

@BitOutOfPractice I was asking where the lie came in directly if in fact it did but it appears it didn’t. He hid the fact he has a child because it suited him and he believed that would help him get what he wanted out of this nice young woman; that says a lot about him and would be why I got rid of him!

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He lied when he said he didn’t have kids on his profile.

and lied again in their discussion when he talked about wanting kids in the future as if he had none.

Then lied by omission beyond that. He’s a clear liar.

LordEmsworth · 18/01/2023 07:33

I cannot believe how many people are justifying this man's deliberate and planned deceit, making up excuses Ike it's his ex's fault, claiming that saying you have no kids and not mentioning them for 3 months makes him a great dad akshally - and my personal favourite, actually OP he was doing you a favour by tricking you into acquiring a step child, he knows what you want better than you do. Absolute and utter batshit.

OP, you were much more polite than I would have been. Manipulative liars don't generally turn into great family men, lucky escape ...

Workawayxx · 18/01/2023 07:36

Yanbu, I think you’ve done the right thing. If he’d come clean after one date then ok, you could have made a decision at that point but after 3 months with a few mistruths about who he has been with and what rooms in his house were for? No, too many lies.

fwiw I think your reasons for not dating men with children are perfectly understandable and reasonable. Anyone can set their own requirements . I had a child when dating but was totally understanding if that wasn’t something a man was ok with. I certainly didn’t want to dupe someone into dating me!

Rainallnight · 18/01/2023 07:36

Margo34 · 17/01/2023 21:03

Bit weird that he wouldn't have brought it up on 2nd or 3rd date then! Says a lot about him as a parent in itself. Not someone I'd want to consider starting a family with. Leave!

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Yep, that was my thought. As well as the lying, what sort of parent is able to shut up about their kids for three months?! What sort of access arrangements does he have that he doesn’t just go ‘oh last weekend my son and I went to soft play’? Why did it take until the mum was away for a whole fortnight for it to impinge upon him enough to mention it?

EnterFunnyNameHere · 18/01/2023 07:42

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/01/2023 23:55

"He has never once mentioned having a child. I also have on my profile that I don’t date people with children."

"He said he didn’t tell me as he saw on my profile I wouldn’t date anyone with kids."

So he decides he wants to date someone, sees that he doesn't meet their criteria, but his wants override everybody else's, so fuck 'em.

What a prick. A selfish self-absorbed prick. I'd say you've dodged a bullet, except he was the one who put you in the line of fire, as it were. Prick.

Couldn't agree more!!

BitOutOfPractice · 18/01/2023 08:00

@Chaz5rascals lying by omission is just as much of a lie as your boss g standard untruth.

You know the bit in the police caution “…if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court…” is all about lying by omission.

How can you have a full on conversation about wanting / having children and failing to mention you have a son? That’s a big fat lie right there. Saying nothing with the full intention of misleading the OP.

latetotheinterview · 18/01/2023 08:23

You don't like him because you don't like people who lie to you for their own personal gain and disregard something so important to you. If he does that now, that will only get worse as the relationship goes on.

Carrying on dating him would be literally signing up to be lied to and have your wishes disregarded.

Why would you do that?

sillybillyboo1 · 18/01/2023 08:24

He sounds like a waste of space/dishonest/untrustworthy. If it were me that would be a dealbreaker.

Ladybug14 · 18/01/2023 08:26

CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 21:53

He has replied to me. He said he didn’t tell me as he saw on my profile I wouldn’t date anyone with kids. He thought he could change my mind I’m guessing. He wants a second chance haha. I wouldn’t have had a problem being a stepmum if I had a child already as I truly love kids but the want for my own comes first. I couldn’t raise someone’s kid and suffer infertility. It would break me . It that makes me selfish so be it.

The manipulation! Breathtaking. What a scumbag he is

falsepositivenervous · 18/01/2023 08:27

"Interesting as I've seen old posts on this site where women have been berated for mentioning they have children either on their dating profiles or whilst dating someone from OLD.

Yet we expect men to be upfront from the word go and call them liars if they don't"*
*
I think that's because paedo/opportunist/abusive men are much more common than women, and men have been known to go for women with children with the plan of grooming the woman and child so he can abuse the child. Children are at massive risk from new partners of their mothers.

What this guy did to OP does not seem AT ALL like he was trying to protect his child from abusive women. He lied on his profile, ignored hers, and then completely omitted it after they had a discussion about children.

Good on you OP for getting rid, you can definitely do much better.

Wellwell82 · 18/01/2023 08:28

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sillybillyboo1 · 18/01/2023 08:29

Ladybug14 · 18/01/2023 08:26

The manipulation! Breathtaking. What a scumbag he is

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Its psychopathic behavior. I'd run for sure.

JudgeRudy · 18/01/2023 08:35

JudgeRudy · 18/01/2023 05:30

If you specifically said on your profile No Kids and he's deliberately ignored that, I'd dump him for deception.
If he hadn't noticed this part of your profile I'd possibly consider continuing with the relationship.
I was going to say it's odd that his child has never come up in a conversation yet so I'd think he's deliberately held back however this has got me thinking.....why haven't you nentioned that you have fertility problems. What if he's thinking along similar lines as you ie meet someone, settle down, have children? You're probably thinking it's a challenge and not ideal but something you could get around with time n a few tears and that you'll get the desired outcome in the end. Maybe he views his child the same way. It's not what you wanted and will take time n tears but it'll all work out in the end.
I actually think it's worse to not tell someone you might not be able to have kids than you've got one (who so far has not interfered with your life).
Fess up and tell him and have a talk together.

I can see now that you HAVE touched on the fertility issues. Missed that

Naunet · 18/01/2023 08:37

x2boys · 17/01/2023 21:42

You have only been seeing him 12weeks he told you be had a son if you were two years down the line I can understand your concerns but 12weeks only seeing him twice a week?
by al! Means ,ditch him if you don't want to.date a man.with a child but he's told you fairly quick!y

God the excuses trotted out for this liar 🙄

OP, and all women, are entitled not to want to date a man with children
OP made it clear on her profile that she didn’t want to date a man with kids
He said on his profile he DIDNT have children (liar)
He perused OP knowing he was lying to her but probably hoped he could get her hooked before revealing (selfish, manipulative and disrespectful of her boundaries).

OP owes him nothing, he’s selfishly wasted her time.

VioletaDelValle · 18/01/2023 08:37

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Shock horror..... lots of restaurants are open all day or from early evening and many people prefer eating early, especially during the week!

Pr1mr0se · 18/01/2023 08:39

I think you are being really really unreasonable - 12 weeks in and you want to dump the guy because he didn't reveal something to your timescale?

He's told you now so what's the issue?

Pr1mr0se · 18/01/2023 08:40

Ah I've re-read your post - sorry.

Wellwell82 · 18/01/2023 08:45

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sillybillyboo1 · 18/01/2023 08:45

Pr1mr0se · 18/01/2023 08:39

I think you are being really really unreasonable - 12 weeks in and you want to dump the guy because he didn't reveal something to your timescale?

He's told you now so what's the issue?

It is not unreasonable to dump someone when they tell a huge lie. People an pick and choose who they interact with. It reveals a lot about their character and 12 weeks is nothing.

Livinghappy · 18/01/2023 08:47

@LordEmsworth,Everything you said!

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