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AIBU?

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Original poster

He has a son ?? 😢

526 replies

CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 20:49

So I’ve been seeing a guy for 12 weeks after meeting online dating. Literally dates Atleast twice a week.

anyway tonight he tells me he can’t see me for 2 weeks. I thought he was going away for work so I asked. And his response is he’s having his little boy while the mum goes on holiday.

im absolutely gobsmacked and a little hurt. He has never once mentioned having a child. I also have on my profile that I don’t date people with children. Personal and selfish reasons being that due to a medical reason I need ivf or help to try and have children and I know i won’t get it on the nhs if my partner had a child. For reference I already know I am entitled too it on the nhs for my condition.

what do I do. I do like this guy but he’s lied to me over his child. But then I think what if I don’t meet anyone else I like. Help.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 17/01/2023 23:55

"He has never once mentioned having a child. I also have on my profile that I don’t date people with children."

"He said he didn’t tell me as he saw on my profile I wouldn’t date anyone with kids."

So he decides he wants to date someone, sees that he doesn't meet their criteria, but his wants override everybody else's, so fuck 'em.

What a prick. A selfish self-absorbed prick. I'd say you've dodged a bullet, except he was the one who put you in the line of fire, as it were. Prick.

Maternityleavelady · 18/01/2023 00:16

I had similar happen to me but I found out about his kid on date 2, not 12 weeks in - and I still ditched him! He had lied on his profile and said he didn’t have them. I saw a kid on his phone on date 2 and asked who it was and he told me then

Reclaimtheoutdoors · 18/01/2023 00:24

CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 22:34

Yep I told him. I’m open about it. No point denying it. Obviously didn’t tell him everything but I told him I will need help and that I’ve already been checked etc . Obviously it’s occurred to me that people might not want to date someone that can’t conceive easily. That’s fine and I wouldn’t judge them the same as I don’t expect to be judged for not wanting to date someone with kids for reasons I’ve said earlier.

Show quote history

You’ve clearly been open and honest and he’s not reciprocated.

Your draft text to him reads well. Simple, direct and to the point.

FWIW as far as I know I will have no issues conceiving but I choose not to date someone with kids regardless. I might one day make an exception, but the man would have to be honest with me from the start.

It definitely doesn’t make you selfish, you’re being realistic and thinking ahead!

tappinginto2023 · 18/01/2023 00:26

The deliberate lying for so long and deception on his online dating profile shows that he's either:
only looking for short term hookups OR he's a lying arsehole who would deny his own flesh and blood so he can get a shag/girlfriend experience.

Either one isn't great if you are looking for a long term 'real' relationship with someone.

I personally believe if someone is prepared to make really major lie then they can't be trusted.

tappinginto2023 · 18/01/2023 00:27

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/01/2023 23:55

"He has never once mentioned having a child. I also have on my profile that I don’t date people with children."

"He said he didn’t tell me as he saw on my profile I wouldn’t date anyone with kids."

So he decides he wants to date someone, sees that he doesn't meet their criteria, but his wants override everybody else's, so fuck 'em.

What a prick. A selfish self-absorbed prick. I'd say you've dodged a bullet, except he was the one who put you in the line of fire, as it were. Prick.

Agree with this post so much!

Tamarindtree · 18/01/2023 00:45

He must have been very guarded to not ever slip past and mention his son. Makes you think how controlled he must be in how he presents himself.

For example he could easily not mention you to anyone else he wants to see.

Bin him.

JudgeRudy · 18/01/2023 05:30

If you specifically said on your profile No Kids and he's deliberately ignored that, I'd dump him for deception.
If he hadn't noticed this part of your profile I'd possibly consider continuing with the relationship.
I was going to say it's odd that his child has never come up in a conversation yet so I'd think he's deliberately held back however this has got me thinking.....why haven't you nentioned that you have fertility problems. What if he's thinking along similar lines as you ie meet someone, settle down, have children? You're probably thinking it's a challenge and not ideal but something you could get around with time n a few tears and that you'll get the desired outcome in the end. Maybe he views his child the same way. It's not what you wanted and will take time n tears but it'll all work out in the end.
I actually think it's worse to not tell someone you might not be able to have kids than you've got one (who so far has not interfered with your life).
Fess up and tell him and have a talk together.

ChaToilLeam · 18/01/2023 06:04

He’s got quite the high opinion of himself, thinking that he could change your mind, hasn’t he?

You’re right to ditch this one. He has deliberately concealed his son and that’s dishonest from the get go.

Aprilx · 18/01/2023 06:12

x2boys · 17/01/2023 21:42

You have only been seeing him 12weeks he told you be had a son if you were two years down the line I can understand your concerns but 12weeks only seeing him twice a week?
by al! Means ,ditch him if you don't want to.date a man.with a child but he's told you fairly quick!y

Well it is better that OP found out at 12 weeks than after two years, but it is still a massive omission. He didn’t even sit her down and announce he had something to say and he is sorry that he did not say sooner, he just dropped it in casually.

I think regardless of the IVF situation, hiding the existence of a child for twelve weeks is appalling and would put me off a man whatever my personal situation was.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 18/01/2023 06:26

JudgeRudy · 18/01/2023 05:30

If you specifically said on your profile No Kids and he's deliberately ignored that, I'd dump him for deception.
If he hadn't noticed this part of your profile I'd possibly consider continuing with the relationship.
I was going to say it's odd that his child has never come up in a conversation yet so I'd think he's deliberately held back however this has got me thinking.....why haven't you nentioned that you have fertility problems. What if he's thinking along similar lines as you ie meet someone, settle down, have children? You're probably thinking it's a challenge and not ideal but something you could get around with time n a few tears and that you'll get the desired outcome in the end. Maybe he views his child the same way. It's not what you wanted and will take time n tears but it'll all work out in the end.
I actually think it's worse to not tell someone you might not be able to have kids than you've got one (who so far has not interfered with your life).
Fess up and tell him and have a talk together.

The OP has told him about her fertility…

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 18/01/2023 06:34

Don't know why there's so many people trying to make excuses. He's admitted he wanted to try and change your mind!

As a person with a stepchild - if you can avoid that dynamic, then do. They can be lovely children, but the situation is never without its problems, mine has caused so much stress over the years.

I'm sorry this dude has strung you along, I think you're doing the right thing.

Judgyjudgy · 18/01/2023 06:34

Couldn't this be a good outcome in that if it worked out you'd have a stepchild? Also did he lie about the child or just not tell you? The bit about having it on your profile seems a bit off though, but maybe he didn't really notice it or people say that but don't mean it. Just trying to think of more positive reasons, that's all. If your gut says no though, then just walk away

Judgyjudgy · 18/01/2023 06:36

CharlotteRose90 · 17/01/2023 21:16

I’ve drafted this message to him. I’m sad as he’s a lovely guy In other aspects but I can’t forgive the lying . It would make me think what else he could lie about. Hopefully it’s too the point and not rambling .

Hey …
Thank you for the meal tonight the restaurant was lovely. I don’t think We should take this any further. I take honesty very seriously and the fact you lied to me I can’t forgive. Children are a big thing and you lied about having one despite us chatting about future children . I’m sure you will find the right person but it isn’t me.

Sorry OP, missed this. Didn't realise you had talked about it

lap90 · 18/01/2023 06:37

12 weeks to tell you he has a kid when your profile states no to men with kids?

Get rid.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 18/01/2023 06:37

Don't know why there's so many people trying to make excuses. He's admitted he wanted to try and change your mind!

The standards done people have/set for men are appallingly low.

Aubree17 · 18/01/2023 06:39

Weddi · 17/01/2023 21:16

Well, he isn’t a liar unless you asked him at some point whether he has kids and he said no. He chose not to tell you until now which is his choice really, I wouldn’t call that a lie. You’re only a few weeks in, ditch him because this isn’t what you want. He’ll understand.

His profile said he didn't have children. Could you imagine meeting someone and not talking about your children for 12 weeks. I'd find that impossible.

Fuckstix · 18/01/2023 06:40

I'm surprised there are any posts at all condoning this man's behaviour.

It is an enormo-lie of both omission and commission.

OP, there are a couple of apologists on here but please make no mistake, he is a manipulator and has shown from the off that he will lie outrageously to control a situation.

The fact that you mentioned your fertility issues and he didn't feel it necessary to either stop wasting your time, or understand why you might find it difficult to be with someone who already has kids (IVF funding notwithstanding) shows he is lacking in empathy. I too made it clear that I wasn't interested in anyone with kids on OLD. Nothing wrong in that.

I would block him now. Your text was civil in the extreme and if he is odd enough that he can't see what is utterly toxic about his reply then I wouldn't trust him not to get nasty if the conversation continues. If he had been blown away by your profile then a more normal man would have messaged to say 'I notice you're mention you're not looking for anyone with kids but was just wondering whether this was a hard and fast rule?'

Planesmistakenforstars · 18/01/2023 06:46

Good for you OP. He though your preferences or boundaries were fine to ignore so that he had the chance to change your mind and get what he wanted. He's a prick and you're well rid.

GreenWheat · 18/01/2023 06:47

SnowyOwl1 · 17/01/2023 22:28

He lied yes, but did you tell him you can't have children when you discussed wanting them? It's a pretty big deal having fertility issues, has it not dawned on you people might not want to date someone who will struggle? You might be better dating someone who already has children as then you aren't potentially taking away the other person's chance to be a father. Someone who already has children will be far more accepting. I think if you are being picky over this it's only fair you are open too. If someone had told me on the first date they couldn't have kids without ivf there'd have been no second date.

You have articulated what I was thinking. What the OP wants is a man with no children who is willing to take the risk of IVF as his only chance to have children. That's fine, but definitely something to be upfront about.

Fuckstix · 18/01/2023 06:48

GreenWheat · 18/01/2023 06:47

You have articulated what I was thinking. What the OP wants is a man with no children who is willing to take the risk of IVF as his only chance to have children. That's fine, but definitely something to be upfront about.

Show quote history

She has told him.

FlopFit · 18/01/2023 06:50

Just a forewarning, loads and I mean loads of men lie about this.

I did OLD for years and also didn't want to date men with young kids as I had my kids early and they were adults and one has SN and will always need extra help.

I totally get leaving your kids off your profile - I don't think you can criticise people for that - that's a privacy thing.

If this is such a deal breaker you need to ask right upfront directly too.

And definitely dump this chancer!

Maray1967 · 18/01/2023 06:55

Soothsayer1 · 17/01/2023 23:54

His online profile says
classic 'bait & switch' maneuver innit, he indulgently assumes she will fall instantly in love with him and laugh it off as a minor indiscretion 😳

Agreed. I’d be making it very clear that there is no second chance because of his dishonesty. He trampled all over the value you place on this and your openness with him. Not good.

FOJN · 18/01/2023 06:58

I think you've made the right decision. He's lied to you in the hope he could change your mind, this tells me he's a man who will try to get what he wants with little thought about his partners wants or needs.

It was not a small lie and if he'd told you within the first few dates it would have been different but he wanted you to be emotionally invested before he revealed his deceit so he's also manipulative.

You told him about your fertility issues because you know and accept it might be a deal breaker for someone, this is a mature and fair approach.

You deserve someone whose outlook is as mature and fair as your own so I'm glad you are so clear about your boundaries. Good luck and don't lower your standards.

LlynTegid · 18/01/2023 07:01

You've done the right thing.

On another thread I speculated if the new social media law once passed will require dating agencies to act if lies are put on someone's profile.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 18/01/2023 07:04

I don't know how he can have spent time with someone at least twice a week for 12 week - minimum 24 dates- without ever mentioning it. He's deliberately kept it from you to string you along. For most decent parents the presence of their children in their lives is at least worthy of the odd mention.