He has a son ?? 😢

[CharlotteRose90]

So I’ve been seeing a guy for 12 weeks after meeting online dating. Literally dates Atleast twice a week.

anyway tonight he tells me he can’t see me for 2 weeks. I thought he was going away for work so I asked. And his response is he’s having his little boy while the mum goes on holiday.

im absolutely gobsmacked and a little hurt. He has never once mentioned having a child. I also have on my profile that I don’t date people with children. Personal and selfish reasons being that due to a medical reason I need ivf or help to try and have children and I know i won’t get it on the nhs if my partner had a child. For reference I already know I am entitled too it on the nhs for my condition.

what do I do. I do like this guy but he’s lied to me over his child. But then I think what if I don’t meet anyone else I like. Help.

Absolutely dump him. He lied to you but also doesn’t sound like he’s seeing his son a lot which is another red flag.

@Chaz5rascals she's been seeing him for 3 months twice a week. If the fact he had a child didn't come up in that time there's something weird going on. Actually OP didnt it say he had a child on his profile?

He said on his dating profile that he doesn't have children. He lied. Then he saw from her profile that she doesn't want to date anyone with children, so he kept the lie going for 12 weeks.

Gosh that's a huge omission.

It’s not a good start, keeping info from you already so I wouldn’t give him another chance. Regarding the IVF though, I was peri menopause early 30s and newly married, already had two children but my husband didn’t have any and We were told we could have had IVF on the NHS as only one of us had already had children.

You did miss something.
He checked the "I have no children" box on his profile.

He also dated OP for 3 months, discussed her wish to have children with a child-free man, & STILL didn't own the fact he had a child. He's not only blithely deceitful, he reckons it's just dandy to hoodwink a woman in order to get what he wants.

PP nailed it upthread - OP's desire to only date childless men was immaterial to him. He felt his desire to date her outweighed her own preferences, so he lied by both commission & omission to trick her into doing so.

This kind of man is never a good partner. They tend to be unable to hear women saying "no", & feel entitled to live by double standards.

His profile said no children

I'm on the same page here. Unless specifically asked 'Do you have kids?' And responding no, I'd say he just didn't say. In which case, it's only been 12 weeks. Some people don't like to divulge information on their kids early for fear of judgement on having kids (myself included). You judge people by saying you won't date people with them, so he has a right to judge when he shares that information, especially if there is a chance he didn't know why. Not that I discuss potentially reproducing with someone after 12 weeks personally.

i haven’t read the full thread but echo what others have said, major red flag.

I would just ask a question though to play devils advocate , have you told him (other than on dating profile) that you don’t want to date someone with a child because you’re planning on meeting someone you may be able to have IVF with?

lovelysausagedogscrumpy, you posted at 11:38 this morning. OP last posted yesterday at 23:37. So you DID have all the information at the time of posting, you just CHOSE not to read it. You read the opening post only and jumped in with both feet. This is why there's a 'See All' option on the OP's posts, to see everything they've posted all together.

And while I'm here - lying by omission is still lying, so yes he did actually lie.

He doesn't need to know why she doesn't want to date a man with kids. It's her preference. She doesn't need to justify it. It's not for him to decide if she has a good enough reason to not want to date him.

If you are pinning your hopes on NHS funded IVF with people who are childless so men who are parents need not apply I would caution you to think again. Your chances of falling pregnant on one or two cycles could be slim depending on your age and you could well be better off saving with a partner for private IVF or indeed looking at donor rather than waiting for Mr right. I had to fund treatment on credit cards with balance transfers until my work bonuses came through, I was lucky I had a job that paid Ok and 5 transfers later I was successful but it was expensive. My partner who I am no longer with didn’t contribute financially so I funded it by myself. Being a single parent is hard but worth it.

You mention you have been dating for 12 weeks. Do you text/call every day? If so, surely you have asked eachother how was your day/week/weekend?

He must have seen his child in the last 12 weeks. If not, I'd be questioning his parenting skills, and whether this is the guy you want parenting with you of you ever have a child.

In the future if you do have a child together, and you don't stay together, he might not tell his future partner about the child you have together.

I had a partner for 3 years once, and early on in the relationship he lied about having a child. Since getting to know him he just lied about little things, but also this massive lie, which I didn't think fit with my morals.

Would you have done the same? If not, I think you should jump this ship before you get too far into the ocean.

Yep, posted before I gathered that there had been full disclosure - didn’t realise there was a ‘see all’ facility as I haven’t been on the site long, otherwise I would have used it. Still no reason to be so nasty.

He probably wouldn’t have read your profile and wouldn’t have known that you didn’t want kids.

If he did read it and didn’t see it as issue it’s because he doesn’t want anything serious from you.

The biggest red flag here is not the actual lie but that in 12 weeks he didn’t mention his child at all and he doesn’t have any photos!

Do you have each other on SM?
Does he have photos of him and his son on there?

Do you text/call every day? If so, surely you have asked eachother how was your day/week/weekend?

I agree.
And even if the texts/calls were only every few days then you would still ask what have you been up to on the weekend etc.

He’s admitted he did see it, but ignored it as he wanted to persuade the OP to date him…

yes, she clearly sets out her boundaries and he responds by trying to sneak past them, ergo he started out playing dirty!
He's not one of the good guys is he

hes lied to you or at the very least was underhanded in not mentioning his son way earlier on so I’m afraid I wouldn’t trust him. I’d run now before it’s too late!

12 weeks is to long for him to not have mentioned it. Are you absolutely sure it was not on his profile? If it was not, he is not a trustworthy person. What else is he willing to hide.

Exactly.

Highly manipulative to have deliberately avoided any mention of anything child related every time they spoke, and also any trace of his child from his house

Yes that’s a big lie (of omission). It’s a sign that he will lie to you anytime the truth is uncomfortable or not advantageous to him. I’m afraid I’d have to drop him like a sack of potatoes. A man must have a decent character.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings wow. Then he is lying to more than you as well. Whether he did or didnt know your feelings around IVF is not that relevent. Its very very weird to not be clear you have a child. Run, run for the hills!!

Well he didnt lie, he omitted to tell you he had a child. Maybe ask him why he contacted you when you went to the trouble of stating on your dating profile you wouldnt date someone with kids. No one can tell you if to carry on with him or leave. You have to decide how you feel about him.

She says in a later post that it’s not just the IVF funding: she is not prepared to be a step-parent to a partner’s DC if she cannot have her own biological children. I get it.