To ask if parenting really was easier in the past?

[germanbight]

My beloved grandma, who lived on a small farm and really ran it alone, always used to tut at toddlers/small children who were being naughty out and about and always told me that when she had her children it was all much simpler— especially in the baby phase.

Apparently routine kept all 4 children perfect from baby-hood. Baby fed every three hours until it slept through, all children off for an afternoon nap after dinner and bedtime a prompt 7:30 until they were 10. She always used to say that now parents adapt to fit the baby in their lives, but when she was having children they had to adapt to her life.

I just don’t see how it could’ve run on clockwork like that. Was it really that much easier? Just a case of endless CIO?

Interesting, because I think if you were to do a study of children who achieve the best at school and look at their early years, I doubt the high achievers spent most of their formative years at home.

Makes you wonder how we managed to have anyone who achieved academically in the past. Yet somehow we had doctors, professors, Nobel prize winning scientists, authors, playwrights. Perhaps Dickens’ writing would have been massively improved if he’d been taken to soft play and petting farms.

Definitely less pressure to do as much and less stuff.
Early 80s, nice suburban childhood.
But very much walk to local school, walk home. Have tea. Play and bed.
I went to brownies and had swimming lessons at one point but not lots of activities.
Tea very much of the it’s Monday it’s x, it’s Tuesday it’s y at same time each night at table.
Everyone had same striped buggy and sandals in summer.
Weekends. Cartoons in morning. Went shopping. Tea at grandparents. Sunday saw other grandparents, Roast dinner, Sunday school and toast for tea, bath and bed.
Yes we had trips but in holidays. There wasn’t pressure to be out constantly doing exciting things.
For a child it’s very comforting to have a very settled routine.
Lots of exercise. Walking everywhere. So walk to shops, walk older siblings to school.

I’m a grandma. I tend to remember my little kids as always being well behaved and easy to please. They were not. They were just as difficult - or not - as little kids today. It just seems like it was easier (1) because we forget, and (2) we really do remember, (there is no forgetting), the teenage years.

I lived in an area full of parks and beaches when my kids were little. Temperate weather most of the time too where I lived, too.. We tended to live outside more, doing very active things. I think that has changed - the areas I was able to bring my kids up in are now very gentrified and only for the wealthy. And population has increased so much that many of us have been pushed to live in high rise, or outer suburbs with amenities nowhere near as good as the ones available to me when my kids were small. If I was bringing up my children today, we’d spend more time indoors and in front of screens.

But much as a pp mentioned, less was known about many medical and mental health disorders.

So, what, stay at home with them and just hope they turn out OK?

Because sure, we had Dickens. We also had a huge majority of illiterate children at the time he was writing.

What often gets missed is that most of us aren’t hugely talented individuals. I’m not, I don’t expect any children I have to be either. God given gifts aside, most of us do want our children to have opportunities and to see the world and enjoy being a part of it, in a way that wasn’t always possible in the past.

Until possibly the 1970s, I doubt my grandmother had been further than Blackpool. I don’t think for a moment that children need to be taken on foreign holidays or to exotic places but I am surprised that this idea of parents taking children to farms or national trust or swimming is somehow being seen as a bad thing!

But I do think expectations of parents have become a lot higher, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can be exhausting.

Me and my mum often talk about all the differences between now and then and she says she's glad she had babies when she did. (I talk to her about so much she's the best to have discussions with lol)

But I feel like now, because of social media as somebody mentioned earlier, and the way in which adults interact with eachother, there's added pressure to be that perfect parent, everybody I know seems to plaster every little thing about their kids on Facebook (I don't simply because I think it's horrific to). People know when their kids are in trouble not because of a knock at the door, or word of mouth, but because Linda from the other side of town posted footage of it on the local Facebook group. I think you all know what I'm getting at haha.

People turn to strangers on the internet for advice before they turn to friends, family, etc.

Then celebrities are always sharing their 'mum hacks' and the rest of it.

And people don't post the shitty stuff, they don't openly say how crap their days been (unless it's one of those that check into the hospital at every visit and reply 'pm me Hun xxx' when people ask what's wrong) - but we constantly see a glorified version of everybody's lives and many people will subconsciously try to keep up.

My mum tells me stories of how she'd just 'crack on' with what needed to be done, then every week took me/my siblings (when we were babies) to the cafe to meet her friends who had babies and they'd discuss things there. Which I think is lovely.

It was physically harder, but it seems emotionally and psychologically harder now. Trying to juggle work and home life, more rules about what you should and shouldn't do, less general acceptance of just muddling through.

I wouldn't want to be a parent to young children now because I think my mental health would suffer from the expectations others would have for me.

The other thread about not doing enough with your babies and how it's the mother's fault if the baby doesn't sleep because they aren't stimulating them 100% of their waking hours, is a case in point. I know not everyone is saying that, but a significant proportion are and those voices are loud in your head if you are at all underconfident as a new parent.

I think my mum was very depressed when she had my brother and I. She wasn’t suited to staying at home with little children (neither am I; I work part time.) I’m glad that is now the norm.

I didn't see this before my post, but basically this. It's exactly how I feel about modern parenting.

I am surprised that this idea of parents taking children to farms or national trust or swimming is somehow being seen as a bad thing!

It’s not a bad thing although I think it’s sad that some children are never allowed to just be. But it’s by no means essential which is what you seemed to be saying in your original post. Yesteryear’s children were high achievers having had much less frenetic lives.

But they weren’t, @Blossomtoes . Rates of illiteracy were very high. Special needs were not provided for.

It depends obviously when ‘in the past’ we are talking about, but for preschool children who are unlikely to be reading independently, their knowledge of the world is going to be extremely limited if they don’t get out in it.

I think children ‘just be’ plenty, to be honest - but spending most of the week in the same four walls is pretty miserable for everyone.

I want my children to see the seasons change and to be able to identify the different colours and rhythms of the year. I want them to know about nature and to be able to recognise birds, ducks, wildlife. I used to love pond dipping as a little girl. I want them to know about their immediate environment and also the world beyond it.

There is time for playing independently with toys but all the time? Really?

She always used to say that now parents adapt to fit the baby in their lives, but when she was having children they had to adapt to her life.

that’s how I remember life in the 1960s & 1970s

i think routine was the crux of the matter though , which today doesn’t seem to happen.

life was in some ways simpler

but even now my grandchildren seem to be harder work than my own D.C. for their mother. Im not sure why though? Did I have very easy babies and I had to be strict as I was a line parent

I imagine these outings with small children wouldn't have been needed in the days when small children played out without their parents supervision. For me staying in all days with small children just doesn't work even with a lot of TV time. I prefer to do something free like the park if I can.

That's interesting because I had my children in the 80's and our lives were very different to that.

No set weekly menus. Would eat out sometimes.

Went out at the weekends and did all sorts of activities - National Trust, fruit picking, animal and farm parks, visiting local attractions.

Our weekday routine was similar to yours, but not set in stone. The rest was very different.

WhatNoRaisins

i used to take myself to the park, I would have been around 7 years old and it was approximately just over quarter of a mile. It wasn’t unusual to go to the park with friends or on your own

@knittingaddict really annoys me sometimes, I just posted in AIBU actually about something similar, but so many people overshare.

We all have good days and bad days and being a parent is no walk in the park (unless I decide to go for a walk in the park with the kids and even then it can be a shit show hahah)

But I never plaster it all on social media, I don't want people knowing what I'm doing and when, etc

But I will admit I've found myself guilty of looking on Facebook/Instagram, and seeing these 'perfect' mums, that have the house spotless, they have a full face of makeup, lovely hair, 100 things planned for the kids and every meal prepped until 2032, and for a split second I think "how do they do it & why can't I be like this " - then I have to remind myself that it won't always be like that for them and they only share the good parts. And I have to think to myself "Behind their camera is a massive pile of washing, their makeup is 50% from yesterday and 50% filters, that song on their video is to drown out their toddler having a meltdown it's okay, you've got this" 🙈🤣

That certainly wasn’t the norm anywhere I lived. That’s just smutty parenting.

Smutty? *shitty parenting.

I want my children to see the seasons change and to be able to identify the different colours and rhythms of the year. I want them to know about nature and to be able to recognise birds, ducks, wildlife.

They’re not going to get that from soft play and petting farms. Children who live in rural or semi rural environments get all that anyway. Do you think nobody older than you loves nature? My son could identify all the garden birds before he started school from watching them on granny’s bird table.

The current parenting style is clearly something you believe in but it’s not the only way or inherently better than the way it was done in the past. It’s different and only time will tell if it’s better.

Eating out only happened once or twice. Really was rare event (Bernie inn)
We definitely had trips and outings but not weekly. Went on Sunday school trips, zoo, Blackpool illuminations but wasn’t a weekly expectation.

I think I was thinking more like pre schoolers. Keeping them in all day is like not taking your dog for a walk.

If your idea of parenting is, at best, benign neglect, then yes, you'll have time to do things around your kids. To be fair, if clothes washing took half a day, you could see why you'd chuck your kids out the door. In urban areas, other adults would also keep an eye out but kids were left to roam much further and just find their way back. Child accident and death rates from things like scalds were much higher though, too.

Child accident and death rates from things like scalds were much higher though, too.

For balance, some of the reasons for this will be improved medical care and clinical response times.

Why on earth wouldn’t they get it from soft play and petting farms?

Soft play provides skills like movement, climbing, navigating, motor skills (fine and gross) as well as good exercise, which never harms anyone.

Petting farms provide the opportunity to see animals and to understand the world around them. See a sheep in a book or television a toddler will learn it’s a sheep and says baa. Touch a sheep and learn words like woolly, soft. Opportunities to learn about colour (black, brown, white.) A lamb is a sheep’s baby, and so on.

I honestly don’t understand why anyone would have a problem with either of those things!

It's also the walk to these places (I don't drive much with them, bonus is that they find the car exciting in of itself) and we look at trees, look for snowdrops, see if we can spot birds nests.

My mum 60s and 70s spent lots of time with us but not playing as such as a small child I remember helping her a lot with the hoover and dusting, drying the dishes, helping on the allotment. All the time we would be talking to each other and I would be learning.
From working with small children I have noticed quite a few with language delays and I think some of this is because modern technology means less talking to small children.
I think that it doesn't really matter what the activity is it's the interaction with an adult that matters. Paid activities are great if you can afford them but a walk and a chat or cooking dinner together are just as good.