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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if parenting really was easier in the past?

343 replies

germanbight · 17/01/2023 19:46

My beloved grandma, who lived on a small farm and really ran it alone, always used to tut at toddlers/small children who were being naughty out and about and always told me that when she had her children it was all much simpler— especially in the baby phase.

Apparently routine kept all 4 children perfect from baby-hood. Baby fed every three hours until it slept through, all children off for an afternoon nap after dinner and bedtime a prompt 7:30 until they were 10. She always used to say that now parents adapt to fit the baby in their lives, but when she was having children they had to adapt to her life.

I just don’t see how it could’ve run on clockwork like that. Was it really that much easier? Just a case of endless CIO?

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 18/01/2023 08:32

watchfulwishes · 18/01/2023 06:49

@DifficultBloodyWoman Many children were hit, and plenty were genuinely beaten, in a way/to an extent we would consider abuse now.

Hitting/beating children was of no interest to the authorities until relatively recently.

I recognize that but how widespread do you think that was? Every family? Most? Some?

With modern values, that it happened (still happens) in any family is shameful . But how many suffered or would have to suffer for it to have an effect on children’s behavior at a societal level?

LizzieSiddal · 18/01/2023 08:34

@Getinajollymood but my Dd wasn’t brought up being taken out every single day and “educated” and managed to get straight As in her GCSEs and A levels and a first class degree! 2 year olds can learn huge amounts at home, and remember there was no CBBCs so they weren’t sat in front of screens. I’m not suggesting they play by themselves for “hours and hours”. But at 2, I would be able to mix up joining in with her play and getting on with stuff I needed to do! She had the expectation of being at home most of the day and so was very happy to do that.

Tescoland · 18/01/2023 08:41

An American lady called Lenor Skenazy explains it very well on various YouTube channels why modern parents are creating a rod for their own backs in terms of expectations.
And yes, it was easier to parent 1-2 generations ago. Of course back then more time was spent on household chores as we lacked today’s modern machines, technology and services, so in that regard it was harder.

ancientgran · 18/01/2023 08:44

Iam4eels · 18/01/2023 08:06

If it's of any consolation, people have always loved their children and loved them just as much as we do now. They have been interested in them, wanted to protect them, cherish them, and while parenting styles may have changed it's a falsehood that loving your children is a modern invention.

In 783, Charlemagne lost his infant daughter. She had a name (Hildegard), a proper burial, and the inscription on her resting place reads “Dear little maiden, you leave no little grief, stabbing your father’s heart with a dagger.”

There is an inscription on a child's grave from Ancient Rome that reads:

Here I commend to you, Fronto and Flaccilla,
your daughter, my joy and my delight,
Let young Erotion not be terrified by the black shades
and the gaping mouth of the Tartarian dog.
She would have completed six cold winters,
had she only lived but six more days.
Let her play happily between her aged parents,
and chatter my name with her lisping voice.
Let the turf covering her bones be soft and not hard,
and do not weigh heavily on that girl, Mother Earth,
For she was not heavy on you

Graves and funerals were expensive, grave markers even moreso. Why would they pay that money for someone they didn't care about? Lots of cultures throughout history had specific mourning periods, even for children - Rome for example had mourning that started at one month for a very young child and then it increased based on age. Who would spend a month in mourning for someone inconsequential?

My aunt died in the early 70s, she was hit by a car on her way to school. Another aunt died a year later, she was only little and choked on something she was eating. My nana never fully got over either of them. When she was looking after us she was militant about us sitting down, supervised, and chewing properly when eating. When she sent us out to play she told us every single time to take care next to the roads. She didn't spend all day every day crying because that's just not possible, grief never fully goes away it just gets less raw, but those losses left a mark.

One of my other aunt lost a baby in the 80s to what we now call SIDS. She also never got over it and for every baby coming into the family she would tell the parents to follow the advice about feet to foot, not sleeping on the sofa, etc. She would ask if their cot mattress was new, if it fitted well. She kept his little grave, the grass on it was always cut, the stone was cleaned, he always had a new plant or a little trinket on his birthday. Again, she didn't spend every day crying but she didn't ever not love him.

Show quote history

Thank you, yes people have always loved their children and worried about them. I don't know why people would think anything else. I vividly remember being treated in quite a dismissive way by some staff (40 years ago) when I was having a threatened miscarriage with baby number 4. The attitude seemed to be, "She has 3 so it doesn't really matter." I loved and wanted that baby every bit as much as my other three. Fortunately my GP and Consultant were both far more enlightened.

WhatNoRaisins · 18/01/2023 08:53

For the parents and those closest it's universal human experience to grieve the loss of a child.

I can imagine people further removed from the children who died having more of a "this is just what sometimes happens" attitude towards things that we would see as tragic and preventable.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/01/2023 08:57

LizzieSiddal · 18/01/2023 08:10

The biggest thing I notice between now and when I had my Dd in 1990, is the expectation to “entertain” your Dc every single minute of the day. I worked 3 days a week, (going back to work at 12 weeks, which was heartbreaking for me!) but when at home we had one toddler group per week and that was it! Dd learnt to play on her own while I got on with jobs in the morning then we’d play outside/go for a walk in the afternoon.

My 2 year old granddaughter goes to something like an animal farm, soft play, etc every single day and she finds it so hard to stay in the house and play by herself for even 10 mins!

Totally agree.

I worry about children & toddlers who are unable to be alone with their own thoughts for more than a few minutes. How will they ever develop creativity, fresh ideas and curiosity?

Getinajollymood · 18/01/2023 09:06

Do you think that was brilliant parenting or just that you had a bright child, @LizzieSiddal ?

I know toddlers who are happy just to quietly play with their toys most of the day but not many!

LizzieSiddal · 18/01/2023 09:40

I’m not saying she was happy to play quietly “for most of the day”. I’m saying she was happy to be at home for most of the day, she didn’t have the expectation of going to a farm park/soft play/music group etc etc every single day.

The expectation on parents that toddlers and Dc need to be doing some kind of activity, every single day is not good for the parent or the child! And to suggest if they don’t do these activities then they won’t be learning, is absurd!

Weddi · 18/01/2023 09:43

I doubt it. I think parents used to send the kids off to play outside to get rid of them so they could have some peace, now parents give them a screen instead. Same sort of thing though, placating them so you can have peace and quiet. Parenting as a skill hasn’t changed all that much, children will always be children.

yorkshirepudsx · 18/01/2023 09:48

I think it's a simple case of - it's easier to handle your own children than it is to handle anybody else's.

And as parents, we remember all the good bits and milestones - I can't sit and pinpoint all of the meltdowns and tantrums, but I could rhyme off so many times I've seen other kids/babies have tantrums in public.

If that makes sense?

My little one has some right meltdowns, at home and in public, I'm used to them I know how to deal with them and I just get on with it, almost like I'm in autopilot!! but it still captures my attention when I hear another persons child crying/screaming etc.

crossstitchingnana · 18/01/2023 09:49

My mum said we were fed in four hourly intervals and if it wasn't four hours, we were dry, comfortable then she left us "as we didn't need anything and I wasn't making a rod for my own back".

Heaven forbid if one of your tiny babies WANTED A FUCKING CUDDLE! How dare they request such an unnecessary thing.

That's how it was easier, neglect.

caramac04 · 18/01/2023 09:50

watchfulwishes · 17/01/2023 19:53

It was probably a bit simpler when you didn't need two full time wages to afford even the most shitty flat, your family lived nearby so your sister would watch the kids while you ran your errands and no one batted an eyelid if you left them outside unsupervised all day.

Absolutely made a difference when I was a young mum. Yes I had a series of crappy part time jobs to avoid paying childcare and family weekends were rare as I worked then.
However, I did the school runs, had time to read, bake, play with the dc (did a bit of childminding too). If the dc were poorly I could look after them. I lived in a village and we school mums helped each other out, participated in school fund raising etc.
It wasn’t easy, we were hard up (had 4dc) but I look back and it was the best time of my life.
Mums today have it so much harder imo.

yorkshirepudsx · 18/01/2023 09:52

Plus, I have so many people telling me I have a really happy toddler, he's happy to sit and play with whatever he can get his hands on, but he does have a lot of tantrums, he's a toddler, having tantrums is a completely normal part of development.
I have also, come across older people in public, when my little one is having a tantrum, and noticed that the ladies tend to say "oh mine weren't like that at all" (which pisses me off because they're commenting on such a small part of our day lol) - and older men tend to say "oh he's gobby" 🤷‍♀️
People pay more attention to us when our and about if my little one is having a tantrum, than they do if he's just happy and being quiet lol.

I just think it's a social thing. And I think the whole "oooh back in our day, everything was better and everybody was better" attitude can play a part

Getinajollymood · 18/01/2023 09:53

So modern parenting is going wrong by being out and about too much and children are better at home?

Interesting, because I think if you were to do a study of children who achieve the best at school and look at their early years, I doubt the high achievers spent most of their formative years at home.

yorkshirepudsx · 18/01/2023 09:54

crossstitchingnana · 18/01/2023 09:49

My mum said we were fed in four hourly intervals and if it wasn't four hours, we were dry, comfortable then she left us "as we didn't need anything and I wasn't making a rod for my own back".

Heaven forbid if one of your tiny babies WANTED A FUCKING CUDDLE! How dare they request such an unnecessary thing.

That's how it was easier, neglect.

You caught my eye here, I had an older lady a few weeks ago tell me I was 'spoiling' my 1 year old for cuddling him when he was crying lol. (Teething, tired, stood having a cuddle outside the doctor just after his injections minding my business lol)
Wasn't in the mood for it so I told her to shut up 🫢

LizzieSiddal · 18/01/2023 09:55

@Caramia23 agree with you. I had to return to work at 12 weeks as interest rates went up to 15% whilst I was pregnant, but as soon as they came down I stopped working and had DD2. We were the poorest, money wise than we have ever been, (there were no tax credits) but it really was the happiest time looking after my 2 DDs.

Blossomtoes · 18/01/2023 09:55

ancientgran · 18/01/2023 05:53

I'm sitting here in tears, thinking of the mothers of the past being written off as callous as the death of a child not meaning as much to them as it would to anyone now.

I think this thread should be taken down because of that post. I'm truly horrified at the self satisfied nature if that is how modern women think.

I know. It’s incredibly callous. My great grandma had 15 children, seven of them survived to adulthood with most of them dying as babies. It broke my heart, how could anyone survive that? My dad’s sister died of meningitis in the 1930s, she was 12. My grandparents never got over it.

caramac04 · 18/01/2023 09:55

Cuddling your baby is the best and it’s not spoiling them. Anyway it’s nobody else’s business how often you cuddle your baby.

yorkshirepudsx · 18/01/2023 09:56

Getinajollymood · 18/01/2023 09:53

So modern parenting is going wrong by being out and about too much and children are better at home?

Interesting, because I think if you were to do a study of children who achieve the best at school and look at their early years, I doubt the high achievers spent most of their formative years at home.

I'm always out and about with my little one!! He will learn lots of valuable social skills & we're making memories to last a lifetime 🥰

LizzieSiddal · 18/01/2023 09:59

Interesting, because I think if you were to do a study of children who achieve the best at school and look at their early years, I doubt the high achievers spent most of their formative years at home.

Ok, well as most Dc nowadays seem to spend most of their day at “activities” , I’ll look forward to seeing a massive rise the number is children doing exceptionally well at school!

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 18/01/2023 09:59

I feel like it was easier back in day in some ways, as in nobody had social media back then, with silly memes like "your kids come first over anyone and anything and if you don't your shite" and i think parenting is a competition these days, who has this,that and the other Christmas/birthday so over the top, where as back in the day everyone was in the same boat and whatever, I was brought up in the 90s and I had to do everything my parents wanted ie sit the pub for hours on end, didn't dare play up when out and about as I knew what I would get if I did. I was basically brought up children should be seen and not heard, didn't dare scream in the house and defo not in the garden. I wouldn't have dreamed to go into the garden screaming and hollering disturbing the neighbours, never intrupted an adult when talking as I would be told its extremely rude! I was allowed to play out

I bring my children up to not intrupt adults when talking as it is rude not to scream and shout and disturb the neighbours but I would never hit them for it, it's said that children can't really play out anymore, all glued to tablets ipad ect ect!

I also think all generations have/had a low tolance for children tbh. Especially "disruptive" children.

cushioncovers · 18/01/2023 10:02

I was raised in the 70's and In my view babies and children were something parents/adults had control over and had to manage. Children had to fit in with the routine of adult life. 3 meals a day, bedtime set in stone. Both parents had defined roles. The man was often the head of the house and so you did as you were told. There were consequences if you didn't so out of fear you automatically tried to stay within the parameters your parents set otherwise you got punished. You didn't dare refuse a meal that was put on the table or kick off at having to stop playing and get in the bath for example. So yes the older generation probably think it was easier because they just made you too fearful to rebel. As well as just letting you out to play unsupervised for hours on end and older siblings told to keep an eye on the younger ones or else.

creamwitheverything · 18/01/2023 10:03

This is such a lovely thread. I have 2 children and one was born in 1991 the other a mere 21 yrs later in 2011 ! Things are definately different this time round. The expectations on parents now are exhausting and whilst I am lucky enough not to have to work I think life is so fast these days,so many demands and however we may want to resist we can;t. We run just to stand still some times. I was thinking as I jumped into my car to take my dd to Guides last night,how could it only be tuesday? I always seem to be driving her somewhere to some club or other.I didnt do this with my son.He had no clubs,he went swimming with school and weekends with grandparents,holiday once a year and a club trip to Blackpool to see the lights! There was no expectations back then.Who dictated we should be occupied from morning to night when we drop exhaustedly in to bed to get on the treadmill of life again as soon as our eyes open,kids included,When did that happen?My own childhood was similar to others,mothers at home,cooking and cleaning us having all the freedoms we wanted,We used to go on bike rides with our friends,no adult supervision with a carrier full of jam sandwiches and a bottle of lemonade,Not one of us had a watch to know what time it was,we landed home when we did as soon as it was getting dark.We had no friends round for tea,it never happened,everyone seemed to go home to eat at the same time.We had no clothes like today,couple of pairs of jeans and t shirts ,couple of jumpers and that was it,one coat! New clothes at Easter and pyjamas at Christmas! My mum was always at home apart from weightwatchers on a wednesday with her mates! We had a best room no one was allowed in only on a sunday after lunch when dad would bring us pop and crisps home from the pub,what a treat that was.! Mum would cut our hair and next door would perm hers from a box even though she wasnt a hairdresser. My 11 yr old goes every 6 weeks for a trim at 40 quid!!! I think it may or may not have been easier back then but it was slower with less expectations and no envy,No envy cos no bugger had anything to be jealous of anyone else for!!! My world in the 70s was a happier place to grow up in compared to my dds experience now. I was thinking just now as I was driving home from the school run and my dd was telling me about this new flip phone she wanted how I used to sit on the stairs using the corded landline calling my nan but only after 6pm!! Now my dd rings me from her room to ask what time dinner is and i am only in the kitchen! Wonder what our kids will say about us when they have kids of their own?

EmptyWineGlass · 18/01/2023 10:07

Cuppasoupmonster · 17/01/2023 22:58

And also, parents aren’t happier - so many threads about ‘not being able to even shower because of the baby’. What?! Just put them in a bouncer on the bathroom floor and fucking shower! Why such a martyr?!

I think babies have different personalities.

Our daughter wouldn't even be put down without screaming purple in the face. She'd be absolutely distraught before I even got in the shower - because I'd stopped holding her to get undressed and turn the shower on, etc. I obviously sometimes tried having a quick shower anyway, but she would be in such a state by the end that, I swear, made her more liable to further upsets for the rest of the day. If I gave her what she needed (constant holding) she would be calmer for the day. Obviously, though, that meant I couldn't do much else! (Heat wave this year limited sling usage as well, so there was a lot of sitting and holding).

Now she's 6 months old and will let me have a shower, do some washing up, eat my lunch, etc. And she is a giggly, gorgeous, happy little girl - we think she was just a "high needs newborn". Thankfully NHS are quite clear that you can't spoil a newborn, so I'm hoping we did OK 🙂

girlfriend44 · 18/01/2023 10:07

LizzieSiddal · 18/01/2023 09:40

I’m not saying she was happy to play quietly “for most of the day”. I’m saying she was happy to be at home for most of the day, she didn’t have the expectation of going to a farm park/soft play/music group etc etc every single day.

The expectation on parents that toddlers and Dc need to be doing some kind of activity, every single day is not good for the parent or the child! And to suggest if they don’t do these activities then they won’t be learning, is absurd!

Absolutely.

People expect so much more now. How many people have a house party for their children now on their birthday?
Never had to pay for playschemes in the holidays either.