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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to cook dinner after 8pm?

387 replies

mollynolly · 17/01/2023 18:46

DH commutes often and informs me around 6ish what train he will be getting home. Often he's in around 8pm, and if that's the case I prepare food in advance and have it ready for then. But my cut off is 8pm, because he's rocked up at 9 before expecting his dinner and by then I am pretty much ready to go to bed.

I do the wake ups, breakfasts, school runs home stuff, caring, studying and all meal prep and cooking.

Tonight I'm tired. I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed. I've also deep cleaned the kitchen, tidied and hoovered the lounge, done two hours of admin around sons direct payments, school runs, homework time, made tea for both kids, cleaned up and done the dishwasher.

I'm about to do bedtime.

I don't want to make his fucking dinner at 8pm. I want a hot shower, pjs, something quick and easy to eat (if id known earlier he would be later back I could've got myself a ready meal or something) and I want to maybe watch a bit of crap telly and relax.

So I sent this: 'Ok, I don’t really relish the idea of cooking dinner at 8.30 so if you’re getting a late train I’d suggest maybe getting yourself a ready meal, or ideally letting me know in advance so I can sort myself out or eat with the kids'

And I just got 'yeah sorry'

My next reply will be 'Ok sort yourself out, I'll get something for me'

Is this awful? I'm tired!

OP posts:
Hellybelly84 · 17/01/2023 21:28

I would put some decent ready meals on the food shop for the nights he’s home late and he can pop them in the microwave when hes home. Better dinners at the weekend when you can all eat together. Or he could just make himself something quick (pasta?). I dont blame you not wanting to cook that late and you’ve not be sat around all day! You do deserve some time in the evening to have a shower!

Familyiness · 17/01/2023 21:32

@EffortlessDesmond You don't grow out of Arfid, or eventually eat. That is not the definition of arfid, it is a lifelong condition. You didn't have arfid, you were just a fussy eater which most kids go through.

MadKittenWoman · 17/01/2023 21:34

Most cultures do not have the concept of ‘kid’s food’. Maybe encourage your children to broaden their tastes, or else tell him to sort himself out.

Sleepless1096 · 17/01/2023 21:35

UWhatNow · 17/01/2023 21:28

Have I been transported to the 1950s on this thread?

Why is a women - already exhausted and worn out from doing a pretty intense caring role all day - being expected to serve the poor hero man as he comes in from work. Why aren’t you all haranguing him as to why he’s not cooking dinner for her?

I’m not surprised you’re done by 8.30 op. Don’t let ingrained misogynistic stereotyping tell you your feelings aren’t real. You are working just as hard and you’re not the servant of another adult.

Some sense at last!!!

You both work during the day. You should therefore split the evenings. He should cook for you half the time, you for him the other half. Failing that, you can eat what you cook for the DC and he can sort himself out.

54isanopendoor · 17/01/2023 21:39

Sleepless1096 · 17/01/2023 20:56

Cross-post.

But I'm just completely baffled that your husband's nutrition is seen as your issue to start with. Why is it your job to make sure he's fed? He's not your child.

Show quote history

I should say that I am a f/t Carer for two disabled kids so I'm somewhat biased as
It involves all the extra admin / appts that come with that, all the extra emotional support, all the extra cleaning / cooking / washing etc. I am also disabled myself.

I would not be able to cook for anyone at 8pm.
I arrange food for us all at about 6pm. After that, I'm done in & can't manage it.

OP you sound fed up. No wonder. your H could batch cook at weekends.
then there's home made food he can chuck in the microwave at 8pm if needed.
If OP is a F/T Carer she works longer hours than her H. So, bugger cooking too.
though I fail to see what is wrong with homemade pizza or pasta or chicken & rice if he is hungry & tired at 8pm. If he has energy he can cook something else.

chezpopbang · 17/01/2023 21:40

He can not want to eat kids food all he likes doesn't mean you should have to complete a separate meal. I'd be saying this is the menu for the week. It will be cooked for kids tea time and you can reheat when you get home or if you don't want it sort yourself out. Sounds like you have enough on your plate with out looking after a man child. No reason he can't cook for himself when he gets in. If he responds with Im tired when I get in go back with yeah me too. And say no more. Present it as this is the way it is going to be from now on.

DillDanding · 17/01/2023 21:40

I’ve never really got the concept of ‘kid’s food’ either. It’s easier never to go down that route and then they know no different.

Ours just had the same as us. It used to frustrate me that kids’ menus in restaurants were such shit.

AtleastitsnotMonday · 17/01/2023 21:42

Oh OP you sound done in. I wonder if some of this is your mind set rather than your husbands though. It almost sounds that you don't place the same value on your role as to his, maybe society has conditioned us to believe that paid roles are more important. You really need to be kinder to yourself. What you are doing is about as tough as it gets. Although I don't have children with disabilities I have worked with those with both PMLD and ARFID and both are all consuming. I say that as someone who could knock off at the end of a shift, didn't have the emotional attachment a parent has and was being supported by a team of colleagues. What you deal with 24/7 is phenomenal.

Ignore those on here who are ignorant to such conditions, they simply have no clue.

I think you need to sit down and chat this through with your husband, let him know that it's not working for you and work together to find a solution be that batch cooking, ready meals or quick cook meals.

Hang in there OP and I know with dc with disabilities it's hard but do try and secure a small amount of time for yourself on a regular basis.

MadKittenWoman · 17/01/2023 21:43

Sorry, missed the bit about ASD and ARFID. I mean this kindly, but maybe you could have mentioned this in the original post?

Stunningscreamer · 17/01/2023 21:44

Ames85 · 17/01/2023 21:19

I do feel sorry for him not getting in until 8pm each night. He must be shattered and it sounds like you are too. I wouldn’t fancy cooking again at 8pm though. I would get a stash of convenient freezer food if you can and maybe cook the nicer meals of a weekend. I’m done in by the end of the work day so I wouldn’t want to be shopping for dinner on my way home

I do feel sorry for the OP not getting a full night sleep and having everyone to look after and sometimes getting to the end of her tether.

OP I'm so sorry there are so many smug cowbags on this thread who are so delighted to tell someone who's looking after a disabled child she just needs to be MORE EFFICIENT. Hell it must be the final straw for you. It all sounds very difficult and I remember how hard it was getting things done when my children were tiny and I wasn't getting enough sleep. For me it was just a phase, it must be incredibly hard to do it for years.

It sounds like you often cook your husband nutritious meals. On the occasions he gets home late, he can cook himself a meal, have a sandwich or grab a microwave meal on the way home. None of these things will harm him in the slightest and you deserve that early night.

Augend23 · 17/01/2023 21:45

Familyiness · 17/01/2023 21:32

@EffortlessDesmond You don't grow out of Arfid, or eventually eat. That is not the definition of arfid, it is a lifelong condition. You didn't have arfid, you were just a fussy eater which most kids go through.

I thought you could use food chaining etc to expand someone's repertoire even with ARFID (recognising it doesn't always work, may take years and years if it does work, may still be a restricted diet etc). Is that not the case?

Hobbi · 17/01/2023 21:45

As this is MN, you will be told that his 14+ hours commute and work are nothing compared to two school runs and a bit of housework. He probably should immediately do the ironing and get the packed lunches ready for tomorrow, before making his supper and, if possible, allowing himself a few hours sleep. As I said, as this is MN, not a sane world.

Sleepless1096 · 17/01/2023 21:47

I do feel sorry for him not getting in until 8pm each night.

Getting home from the office at 8pm is really not that bad, if you then have no other responsibilities. A few years ago, I would have considered that a fairly early night.

It's conveniently late enough to avoid kids' dinner, bath and bedtime though.

Stunningscreamer · 17/01/2023 21:47

Hobbi · 17/01/2023 21:45

As this is MN, you will be told that his 14+ hours commute and work are nothing compared to two school runs and a bit of housework. He probably should immediately do the ironing and get the packed lunches ready for tomorrow, before making his supper and, if possible, allowing himself a few hours sleep. As I said, as this is MN, not a sane world.

Pity you have the reading comprehension of a five year old. The OP is not a SAHM, she's a parent carer of a disabled child. Shame on you with your nasty judgements and assumptions.

Hobbi · 17/01/2023 21:49

@Stunningscreamer
Bit of a stretch. All very predictable.

Stripperyone · 17/01/2023 21:49

He sounds like he's been reasonable about it I agree, he's apologised and said he'd sort himself out food wise.

In future for your ease, I'd batch cook something you and him both like and freeze in portions, do yours and the children's food and take him a portion out of the freezer. If It's something you need to add rice or such to, cook something with that for you and leave him his out.

I love cooking but when I am tired and cannot be arsed, I need letting know in advance in this sort of situation.

amiold · 17/01/2023 21:53

Why don't you just prepare something when kids are at school and he can blast it or pop it in the oven while he gets a shower.

I think a bit of prep will relieve some of your issues.

My partner can be home all day and then rush around doing tea before he goes on nights (he does tea when he's on rest or going on nights. I do tea when he is days and I'm in first. We split weekends) and I always think why don't you prep something earlier because you're causing yourself this stress.

When it's my turn and I know I have to rush about later on I just throw something in the slow cooker so it taken care of earlier and ready more or less whenever later on.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2023 21:53

MadKittenWoman · 17/01/2023 21:43

Sorry, missed the bit about ASD and ARFID. I mean this kindly, but maybe you could have mentioned this in the original post?

She literally put in the op "I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed"

UWhatNow · 17/01/2023 21:58

Hobbi · 17/01/2023 21:45

As this is MN, you will be told that his 14+ hours commute and work are nothing compared to two school runs and a bit of housework. He probably should immediately do the ironing and get the packed lunches ready for tomorrow, before making his supper and, if possible, allowing himself a few hours sleep. As I said, as this is MN, not a sane world.

Women - know your place! Serving the man of the household, having his hot dinner, pipe and slippers ready and make yourself pretty while you’re at it! He doesn’t want to see your world weary face when he comes home from a hard day’s work.

Fucks sake - what is going on with some of these handmaiden posts…? 🙄

Familyiness · 17/01/2023 22:01

@Augend23 absolutely, you can try that but some can also regress further.
It's not something that goes away though. Nothing has worked with mine, he literally lives on chicken strips, wraps, nuggets, sausage rolls. Stopped eating spaghetti. On a roast dinner he will have a small amount of mash, roasters, chicken Yorkshires and gravy, no veg what so ever, apart from the potatoes.

WineDup · 17/01/2023 22:02

Your husband is more than welcome to choose not to eat “kids food”

You are more than welcome to choose to not cook him dinner.

Batch cooking might help everyone though, but only if it’s not considered an “extra” job for you to do (a good idea might be he takes the kids out for 6ish hours one Saturday and you can Nigella Lawson your heart out while they are gone)

My partner and I both fight about who gets to cook, because it means the other one deals with the kids during the witching hour, lol.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/01/2023 22:03

EffortlessDesmond · 17/01/2023 21:15

OK, I have googled ARFID. I probably had it as a child, as I wouldn't eat most things, and was desperately picky. But it was ignored. And eventually, I ate.

Nope
That's called being picky.

Familyiness · 17/01/2023 22:09

@SleepingStandingUp 👏

saveforthat · 17/01/2023 22:11

I know this is missing the point of the thread but what is deep cleaning?

C8H10N4O2 · 17/01/2023 22:13

Sleepless1096 · 17/01/2023 20:45

Why can't her husband batch cook on weekends?

Honestly, even when I was working 16 hour days in a stressful corporate role pre-DC, I don't remember anyone saying "Poor woman, outrageous that she has to both work and make her own meals". I had a microwave meal if I couldn't be bothered to cook.

Show quote history

Yes exactly. And of course we don't actually know what hours he works - he could be going for a drink or to the gym on his way home from work for all we know.

But his work is paid and Man Work therefore wifey, whose womanly work and caring responsibilities cannot be important or exhausting like man work. She should have a proper cordon bleu adult meal (TM) on the table for him and not go to bed until he does.