To not want to cook dinner after 8pm?

[mollynolly]

DH commutes often and informs me around 6ish what train he will be getting home. Often he's in around 8pm, and if that's the case I prepare food in advance and have it ready for then. But my cut off is 8pm, because he's rocked up at 9 before expecting his dinner and by then I am pretty much ready to go to bed.

I do the wake ups, breakfasts, school runs home stuff, caring, studying and all meal prep and cooking.

Tonight I'm tired. I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed. I've also deep cleaned the kitchen, tidied and hoovered the lounge, done two hours of admin around sons direct payments, school runs, homework time, made tea for both kids, cleaned up and done the dishwasher.

I'm about to do bedtime.

I don't want to make his fucking dinner at 8pm. I want a hot shower, pjs, something quick and easy to eat (if id known earlier he would be later back I could've got myself a ready meal or something) and I want to maybe watch a bit of crap telly and relax.

So I sent this: 'Ok, I don’t really relish the idea of cooking dinner at 8.30 so if you’re getting a late train I’d suggest maybe getting yourself a ready meal, or ideally letting me know in advance so I can sort myself out or eat with the kids'

And I just got 'yeah sorry'

My next reply will be 'Ok sort yourself out, I'll get something for me'

Is this awful? I'm tired!

@UWhatNow
Nothing handmaideny about me, I earn and work more than my husband. He cooks for the family and we share other chores. My point is that the OP could have presented this scenario in almost any way and some would still suggest, without evidence, that he should do more, alongside his job. There was a thread on here where a woman threw her dinner at her husband's face because she didn't like it - no provocation - one delightful poster suggested he was controlling for cooking it in the first place.

Sorry you are so tired OP. I don't have much to suggest apart from that there are some ready meals which aren't too unhealthy, like the M&S stir fry meal deal. Could your DH pick up one of those before getting the train if working late? It's quick to cook and doesn't make much mess, I rely on those a lot!

I have images of an empty room being steam cleaned, with foam everywhere!

When you do something like chilli/spaghetti Bol then freeze individual portions for this type of occasion. The microwave rices take 2 minutes and cost 35p each if it’s Tesco own brand. Pasta is quick to cook.

I mean make extra. Don’t cook just for this type of occasion.

@saveforthat a deep clean to me is things that don't usually get done everyday or everyweek. So I'd hoover everyday, make the beds, change the bedding once a week, etc
Deep clean would involve the wiping down of skirting boards, maybe washing the carpet, curtains, windows cleaned, tops of wardrobes, cleaning of blinds etc.
Checking toys for damage maybe.
I tend to have a routine but mine are much older so they tidy their own rooms now.

Oh we had that issue for years and years.I don’t want to eat at 6pm with my 4dc, although of course I sit and have a cuppa and a chat with them. And with 4 of them, often they eat literally everything I make
so no leftovers!!!! DH in 8.30-10pm.
Now I buy super duper easy quick
stuff for our late dinner. Mainly M and S. Stirfry meal deals, chicken pies, salmon with soy and ginger, broccoli and rice (M and S Cook range)
It’s expensive though! But worth it for me

Same here. Who wants to cook twice ?!

What type of job does your DH do @mollynolly ?
Is there a cantine at his workplace where he could grab a hot lunch meal for days when he’ll be back late? Then he could just grab himself beans on toast or cheese toastie, cereal et for supper when he gets back?

If DH is late home then he is just reheated his dinner in the microwave I do not cook twice ever

I usually end up cooking two or three meals. Me I've just gone vegetarian and DH and dd don't want to so there's that.

I've batch cooked Thai green curry and tikka masala curry so I will have that or whatever.

My dd has something. Usually something easy like pasta or rice with sone sort of meat and veg in.

DH gets offered a choice of the two. If he wants neither which is often he lives off gym meals from Asda or a cooked chicken portion from Asda or m and s and some veg.

You can get three cooked chicken halfs from m and s. I thinks it's £9. You get two portions from each they are massive. Usually give him a breast for tea and use the thighs and drumsticks for sandwiches for him or my Dd.

Thousands upon thousands of single men (and women) get home from work every day, past 8, and cook themselves something to eat.

OP, get into PJs, chill with your son, and enjoy your evening (tomorrow, that is, as I imagine you're now in bed).

"Really..... the blokes working late..just do him a lasagne that he can reheat. Don't infantisise him by making him eat microwaved fish fingers"

🤣🤣 really? Yeah op, bang out a quick lasagne. Ffs

Haven’t RTFT but OP just cook/prepare when you want dinner and he can reheat the food when he gets home.

The only thing you're doing that's unreasonable is making your DH's dinner! That's insane. If you're making yourself something before he gets in, that he would like, then I can understand it, but waiting for him and then preparing him 'adult' food?

Nah, give yourself a break. He can make his own dinner.

I’ve read the OP replies.

OP if you make meals at weekends could you batch cook? Or get DH to do some batch cooking for the next week?

Actually, a lasagne can be made quite easily in a digital pressure cooker . It's not the prettiest, and I use soft cheese rather than white or bechamel sauce - but a few layers of mince (I use Quorn) - pre-browned in the pot on saute and then removed - lasagne sheets and tomato sauce layered back in, mozarella on the top when it's done. Comparatively quick and easy - can be prepared in advance, or for earlier family tea _ with salad or garlic bread - and keep warm or one minute re-heat - for him, BY him when he gets in later on.

I don't get all this 'kids food'. Mine ate whatever I served- which could have been anything at all. There was no alternative option. 'Chicken or pasta?' only happens in Economy Class on international flights.

Sorry OP, I think it's a bit shitty not to have something that he can stick in the microwave to warm up. That's a long day he's working and if your domestic set-up is that you're doing the home stuff while he goes out to earn, then I think you're being unreasonable. It's not as if he's gone out on the piss and expected you to sit up to cook him dinner. He's out late because he's working, which I can't imagine is much fun for him.

Whether you batch cook so there's always something in the freezer he can stick in the microwave, or you cook something earlier for him to warm up, it doesn't really matter.

I guess it's just that to me, you don't sound that you give much of a toss about him tbh. It's not about little wifey taking care of her man - you've both decided that you stay at home to take care of everything there, and that involves doing dinner for you both. I'm sure your husband doesn't particularly want to be eating or warming up a dinner past 8pm either, but it sounds like he's working hard and needs must.

For context, I am also disabled, and I have two disabled DC, one of whom has high needs which sound on a par with your child. So I do get everything you've said, it's very similar here. I know it's not an easy life, and it can feel relentless.

Maybe you need to take some of the time when they're at school for yourself? You say your children are at school so that's quite a considerable amount of time you have to yourself every day. The house doesn't need to be deep cleaned every day, and the admin for direct payments only has to be done now and then. It's not as if you're not getting a break at all and tbh, I'd argue you get more of a break than your DH. Maybe take some of that time consciously for yourself - no one is going to die if the skirting boards get wiped less often, and you might just feel a bit more rested, and less resentful.

So to answer your AIBU - yes, YABU not to make sure there's something for him to eat/warm up because that's your domestic set-up, and between you there's an agreement that he goes out to work and you sort the house stuff. But if you're an early bird, then YANBU not to wait to eat with him, that's fair enough.

I understand the situation as much as people can. I have autistic children and they eat a limited range of food and if I didn't serve that they wouldn't eat (it's not something I can train them out of unless I want them to be completely malnourished). 1 refuses not only vegetables but sauces, most meats and even bread!
I am not willing to live on that restricted diet so we eat at 8pm or later, usually together as a couple. I wish it was earlier but I can't get the youngest off any earlier. We eat/ prepare meals that can either be left in the oven/ slow cooker or cooked quickly. DH gets home around 8 and will start dinner for us if I haven't managed to. If he is running late then I will either have saved him a portion of what I ate or he'll put on a soup or something easy himself. He doesn't have an issue with this at all. Your job is to look after your children not him, you also need to make sure you look after yourself. I think better communication (not by text) to agree what should happen going forward is needed. From what you've written I don't think he has said or done anything particularly bad though.

You're both knackered. Not surprising that after a long day he wants to come back to a hug and some nice food. Is there any way you can try and mark out (harder mentally than practically :) ) four hours a day for yourself? I know that it's very hard to actually do that. xxx

I feel like this is a lot more than dinner times, you sound very resentful of your husband. Does he do anything at weekends with the kids and house?

This.

His dinner is not your problem. End of.

If there are leftovers from yours and the kids' dinner, then it might be nice to stick them in the fridge for him to reheat. But don't get sucked into thinking that you need to provide an on-demand catering service.

OP don't post on MN when you're pissed off with your husband.

You're all busy and stressed and you are all trying to do the right thing. Give everyone a break, including yourself.

"Actually, a lasagne can be made quite easily in a digital pressure cooker . It's not the prettiest, and I use soft cheese rather than white or bechamel sauce - but a few layers of mince (I use Quorn) - pre-browned in the pot on saute and then removed - lasagne sheets and tomato sauce layered back in, mozarella on the top when it's done. Comparatively quick and easy - can be prepared in advance, or for earlier family tea _ with salad or garlic bread - and keep warm or one minute re-heat - for him, BY him when he gets in later on."

No offence but that recipe sounds very much what you could describe as "kids food".