To not want to cook dinner after 8pm?

[mollynolly]

DH commutes often and informs me around 6ish what train he will be getting home. Often he's in around 8pm, and if that's the case I prepare food in advance and have it ready for then. But my cut off is 8pm, because he's rocked up at 9 before expecting his dinner and by then I am pretty much ready to go to bed.

I do the wake ups, breakfasts, school runs home stuff, caring, studying and all meal prep and cooking.

Tonight I'm tired. I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed. I've also deep cleaned the kitchen, tidied and hoovered the lounge, done two hours of admin around sons direct payments, school runs, homework time, made tea for both kids, cleaned up and done the dishwasher.

I'm about to do bedtime.

I don't want to make his fucking dinner at 8pm. I want a hot shower, pjs, something quick and easy to eat (if id known earlier he would be later back I could've got myself a ready meal or something) and I want to maybe watch a bit of crap telly and relax.

So I sent this: 'Ok, I don’t really relish the idea of cooking dinner at 8.30 so if you’re getting a late train I’d suggest maybe getting yourself a ready meal, or ideally letting me know in advance so I can sort myself out or eat with the kids'

And I just got 'yeah sorry'

My next reply will be 'Ok sort yourself out, I'll get something for me'

Is this awful? I'm tired!

💯

How has it worked out, OP?
I suspect your energy is utterly depleted and maybe on a different day, different approach by DH you may have been more receptive. Does he generally respect, appreciate and support you in your role at home? DH does need to be more flexible.
Working late? Bring home take away with enough for another meal or two for the next day. Likely your exchange was a perfect storm moment for both of you.
I learned something new, too. I hadn't heard of the eating disorder your DC has so just read about it. I have nothing but sympathy for you. It must be so difficult sinxe as parents we're driven to nuture our dc which

pasta, jacket potatoes, chicken and rice, homemade pizza

Why is an adult man unable to eat any of the above?

Bullshit that's just ignorance

Haven't read all the replies but he sounds like a prick
if your cooking isn’t satisfactory he can cook for himself can’t he

They may not be gourmet preferable adult food, but they're edible and filling.

Fuck making another dinner for a man.

OP, your posts read as if you’re pissed off and looking for a fight. Your husband accepted that you wouldn’t be up for making a fresh meal and your original post suggested a response which was frankly shitty, given that he’d immediately backed down and agreed with you. You clearly have a lot on and are feeling stretched. You will not feel more relaxed by picking fights with your husband or sparring with randoms on the internet.

Many people have agreed with you that cooking a fresh meal after 8pm is a bit late. Great. You have made this a bigger deal than it needs to be, probably because you’re overtired. Next time maybe a reasonable response to your DH would simply be “Ok cool, maybe pick up dinner on your way back, unless you’re happy with something from the freezer”. Curries, chilli, cottage pie, lasagne, casserole etc all freeze wonderfully into individual portions and would work great in these situations.

I'd be suggesting DH batch cooks what he likes at the weekend and freezes so he can chuck it in the microwave when he gets in.
I think your current situation in that you have simple quick meals during the week and family meals at weekends is grand, and there's nothing wrong with not cooking after 8.
Don't push it or feel guilty - if he's out late he can sort something for himself or eat what was made earlier.

And do feel free to apply the same approach to your husband 🙄.

No need to make a separate meal. If he's hungry, he'll eat (be it baked potato, pasta, whatever).

If he lived alone he’d have to sort his own dinner no? I know you’re a team but just because you’re home doesn’t mean you always need to cook! Totally reasonable

Sorry for the essay, btw...
was just going to finish by saying we're driven to nurture which includes feeding. Your whole world revolves around this, I think. Sending you strength. You sound amazing with all you are doing to help your child.

I don't get the problem really. I'd just do something in the slow cooker/casserole those nights and leave his share on very low for him.

OK, I have googled ARFID. I probably had it as a child, as I wouldn't eat most things, and was desperately picky. But it was ignored. And eventually, I ate.

Oh dear, the thread police are out in force.

Quite. Those are our standard “two parents home from long working day, feed the family quickly and easily” type of standard meals. Someone better tell Italy that pasta is kids food too…. Your DH sounds pretty fussy about food as well!

However, your actual question in the OP - absolutely fine to remind him you need slightly more notice and that you are also tired in the evening. FWIW I read “yeah sorry” as an actual apology, as in “yes ok, sorry, I understand, and will do as you suggest”. Wouldn’t need a reply. But you know better what he might have meant I guess.

I would absolutely suggest that nice ready meals, or him getting over his “kids food” hang ups would be the way forward, if he isn’t going to cook for himself and it’s late. Would nice pasta sauces or a batch cooked stew / hotpot / whatever, frozen in portions to add to the baked potato / pasta , make that a better easier option? Or if you really don’t mind making it earlier, he can reheat whatever it is?
And yes of course he should be cooking it himself or batch cooking at the weekend. But if he isn’t going to, and that’s not the battle you want to engage in, take the easiest route at that time of night when you need to flop.

This is one of those ' made my bed cannot for good reasons lie on it' posts where judgement isn't going to help you and you are already at the end of a long busy day.
My thoughts, for what they are worth, as the the one in our house who works the longest hours and who for some reason also gets the dinners, meal planning, life admin , bill paying and most DC chauffeuring, is that having made our somewhat uncomfortable beds we can go through the massive inconvenience of changing everything or we can tweak things to make it easier for ourselves.
In your shoes, having already accepted that it is part of your role to provide dinner up to 8pm, I would make a few alternate repeatable meals available in the fridge or freezer for heat up for late arrival.
Boxes or bags of chilli, stew, and so on, microwave rice, giant Yorkshire puddings which cook n 4 minutes etc.
Not every quick meal involves pasta. Btw my husband will also say that pasta isn't much of a dinner but loves a good pasta bake or pasta bolognese once it is in front of him.

Would some kind of advance prep help you both?

I do feel sorry for him not getting in until 8pm each night. He must be shattered and it sounds like you are too. I wouldn’t fancy cooking again at 8pm though. I would get a stash of convenient freezer food if you can and maybe cook the nicer meals of a weekend. I’m done in by the end of the work day so I wouldn’t want to be shopping for dinner on my way home

He sounds very entitled.

Slow cooker or batch cooked meal
from freezer or a quality ready meal but use short cuts to
accompany such as frozen or packet rice-takes minutes in microwave and tastes just fine or frozen mash and bags of microwave steam veg. It isn't cooking-it's heating so a case of just getting up from chilling in PJs to press buttons honest!

Quite a strange, disjointed set up. You should eat with DC and plate some up for him to microwave when he gets home. If he doesn’t like what you eat, he can make his own. It isn’t the 1950s, you are not a stepford wife.

So what would you have done if your DH had called to to say he's coming home earlier? Let's say 6 pm? I don't understand why him coming home at 8 is an issue. He'll be coming at some point, why not just cook earlier and he can eat whenever? It seems the real problem today is that you ran out of time or energy to cook dinner, not him being late?

OP your DH Commute timing is late, I’m a huge fan of the slow cooker dish and leaving DH’s portion under a plate ready to heat up, or oven. I can sympathise with technically cooking 2 or 3x seperate meals DC/ yours and DH, or having Ron clean up the kitchen lte, so make life easier with prepared frozen easy left over slow cooker meals.
Or have an omelette or poached egg - super easy.

@EffortlessDesmond 20 years ago there were still children with eating disorders, they just had no name for some of them. Would you say the same for bulimia or anorexia.
My brother has arfid, for which there is normally a trigger or can come as part of autism. My brother is now 40, still has the eating disorder, he was very poorly from a milk allergy as a baby/toddler which was likely the cause of his food issues.
And I used to have the same view as you, until I experienced a child like this myself.
Children with Arfid do not eat no matter how hungry they are, if they have deemed he food unsafe. Arfid is different in that children will starve themselves, unlike a fussy child which most go through those phases. You are extremely ignorant!!
And most parents with children with arfid have tried in vain, every trick in the book to get their children to eat a normal diet, I know I did. Sat for hours at the table, still didn't eat it, knowing he wasn't getting any treats till he had eaten his food. I was no push over, eventually I was advised to give him what he wanted, as he was going to end up malnourished.

Have I been transported to the 1950s on this thread?

Why is a women - already exhausted and worn out from doing a pretty intense caring role all day - being expected to serve the poor hero man as he comes in from work. Why aren’t you all haranguing him as to why he’s not cooking dinner for her?

I’m not surprised you’re done by 8.30 op. Don’t let ingrained misogynistic stereotyping tell you your feelings aren’t real. You are working just as hard and you’re not the servant of another adult.