To not want to cook dinner after 8pm?

[mollynolly]

DH commutes often and informs me around 6ish what train he will be getting home. Often he's in around 8pm, and if that's the case I prepare food in advance and have it ready for then. But my cut off is 8pm, because he's rocked up at 9 before expecting his dinner and by then I am pretty much ready to go to bed.

I do the wake ups, breakfasts, school runs home stuff, caring, studying and all meal prep and cooking.

Tonight I'm tired. I've been deep cleaning one of the kids rooms, and he's autistic so it's super trashed. I've also deep cleaned the kitchen, tidied and hoovered the lounge, done two hours of admin around sons direct payments, school runs, homework time, made tea for both kids, cleaned up and done the dishwasher.

I'm about to do bedtime.

I don't want to make his fucking dinner at 8pm. I want a hot shower, pjs, something quick and easy to eat (if id known earlier he would be later back I could've got myself a ready meal or something) and I want to maybe watch a bit of crap telly and relax.

So I sent this: 'Ok, I don’t really relish the idea of cooking dinner at 8.30 so if you’re getting a late train I’d suggest maybe getting yourself a ready meal, or ideally letting me know in advance so I can sort myself out or eat with the kids'

And I just got 'yeah sorry'

My next reply will be 'Ok sort yourself out, I'll get something for me'

Is this awful? I'm tired!

Ops repeatedly explained she works full time as a carer for her son

Ok but if you're happy to make a different meal if it's before 8pm, why not just make it for 8pm and he can heat it up when he gets it?

I had a colleague who stayed late in the office doing his own thing rather than work, apparently 'to avoid traffic' but we all wondered...

Why can't her husband batch cook on weekends?

Honestly, even when I was working 16 hour days in a stressful corporate role pre-DC, I don't remember anyone saying "Poor woman, outrageous that she has to both work and make her own meals". I had a microwave meal if I couldn't be bothered to cook.

Off the point, but why do you do all that deep cleaning in one day? Couldn't some of it wait till tomorrow? Your exhaustion seems at least in part avoidable.

Nobody suggesting DH batch cooks, then? Mumsnet isn't as 2023 as I thought, obvs.

I actually had a small amount of energy today and decided to utilise it.

Yes I didn't see that in the original post.

So as a SAHP makes sense to cook something reheatable and if he doesn't like it then he sorts himself.

I was thinking the same thing.

It's all just another problem for you to solve isn't it? YANBU.

You have a few options around this.

1. batch cook at weekends, so you and your dh can grab something from the freezer and reheat if time is tight.
2. cook your own dinner and his at the same time, when it suits you. If he is home when it’s ready, great. If not, he can pop it on the microwave when he gets home.
3. he cooks his own dinner when he gets home.

Do what suits you and your time and energy best. I think with him not wanting to eat ‘kids food’ it’s very fussy of him when he’s lucky enough to have you cook in the first place! My partner can come home anytime between 7 and midnight and as much as I will try and make us both dinner for when he gets home, if I’m too tired I will just eat with my DD. Sometimes I make his for him to eat later, sometimes not. He doesn’t expect me to wait up and make it for him

I don’t even know how you have done it so far OP! I only have DS about 18 months old and I’m in bed usually by 8pm every night because I’m knackered. There’s no way I’d be up for starting a new meal to cook at 8pm. What kind of meals does your DH eat? We might be able to help with suggestions to make it easier going forward.

Really..... the blokes working late..just do him a lasagne that he can reheat. Don't infantisise him by making him eat microwaved fish fingers

I think perhaps your DH needs to be firm with work and leave earlier, at least some of the week.

I understand why the OP wants to have food ready for her DH, that he wants to eat when he gets in, but I think the solution is to train the children to eat most things. DS's favourite meal at 5 was frankfurters, baked beans and pasta twirls, and the phase lasted about a year, but that took 10 minutes, and when the phase passed, we ate the same varied meals, stews and casseroles, potatoes and veg, with small variations. As we still do, except that DS is now chef-trained and volunteers to cook a lot of the time.

OP you're not being unreasonable to put up boundaries, be knackered and want a break.

Its bloody hard, relentless work being a carer.

I swore pre children I'd never be the sort of mum to cook different meals for each person but then DS1 was born autistic, no suckle reflex followed by many, many diagnosis, clinics, appointments etc.

The challenges go on, now a young adult .

I think you're hitting on something really important in your post. I've never been very good at saying no, putting boundaries in place and saying cook for yourself if you're going out till late/ do your own washing if you've not put it in the laundry/ I'm a person too. Being the stay at home carer does not equate to being a third class citizen.

Cross-post.

But I'm just completely baffled that your husband's nutrition is seen as your issue to start with. Why is it your job to make sure he's fed? He's not your child.

If I’m shattered and can’t be arsed to make a ‘proper’ tea, my dh gets excited if he can have a fish finger sandwich or other Saturday night kids tea type meal.
😂

Sainsbury's do a palatable microwave one that cooks in 6 minutes. No need for the OP to do anything.

The OP’s autistic child has ARFID - you cannot train someone with ARFID to eat non safe foods!!!

Op I feel you, I have 4 children, mostly adults now, but still my children.
So I have ds1 24, dd1 21, ds2 20, and dd2 17. My youngest has autism, learning disabilities, memory issues, dyslexia and dyspraxia. My younger son has arfid, he is 17 and its very difficult. He eats pretty much the same thing every day, this happened after illness as a baby and despite me begging for help, I got told he would eat when hungry, he didn't.
I am also now pretty poorly myself, inherited illnesses.
Now he is 17, if he doesn't eat what we eat, I have food in that he cooks himself, chicken strips with wraps.
Obviously you can not do that atm, but your Dh could be more understanding and pasta is not kids food, I know plenty of fully grown adults that happily eat pasta.
Your work isn't more or less important than his, or any less tiring, so if he isn't happy to eat what you are cooking then he can get his own.

Do him a lasagne? They take ages to make...

Well, not easily anyway. Food chaining for example can take years to establish for just a couple of new foods. It’s not simply a case of saying ‘eat this’ and the child eats it.

Why not just remind him you don't need tits to make an evening meal....

Since when is baked potatoes not fit for a adult man! I think you need a list of food you can all agree on and rotate them - and he can pick up his own a few nights if he really objects.