Why do people keep having kids?

[EllaEllaEllaElla]

This isn't judgemental. I've got 2 DC and all I think about is having a third.

I have a DH who is rubbish and I think about leaving him on a weekly basis. A 5 year old with ASD who doesn't sleep. And a 1 year old who is the easiest child in the world. I work full time and have a very stressful job.

But all I can think about is a third child. I'm nearly 37 so have to get a move on. I'm finally getting some sleep after years of being totally sleep deprived. I'm finally saving some money again.

WHY WOULD I HAVE ANOTHER CHILD???

But it's all I can think about.

What is this weird psychological thing where you want to keep having kids even though life feels like total chaos already?

Is it ever a good idea to have a kid if you aren't happy in the relationship but you know you'd be a good mum to the kid and have comfortable life/stability in other ways?

Any thoughts/reflections v welcome.

Between the rubbish husband and the 5 year old with ASD perhaps you’re wanting a bandaid or just enjoying the fantasy. I think a third child is a terrible idea in your circumstances. That child deserves the absolute best start in life which you can’t currently provide.

It's partly hormonal, continuation of the species and all that. We might live indoors and have our newfangled gadgets but we're still just animals at heart and Mother Nature wants us to procreate.

It's never s good ides to bring a child into a relationship that's failing, especially if one party wants the child and the other doesn't. It's pretty much a one way ticket to years of resentment towards one another and the child caught in the middle of it.

Nothing to stop you ditching the dickhead and finding someone nicer to have a DC with though.

Honestly, no it’s not a good idea. But, you know that.

So, why do you want another? You say you can’t stop thinking about it - about what exactly? Pregnancy? The newborn stage? The actual existence of another child? What, exactly, is it that you feel a third child would provide that you’re not getting from the two you have?

Zero judgement, by the way. Just it might be useful to drill down into your reasons.

Also, are you planning on staying with your rubbish husband?

Would it help to reframe your desire for another child as a sadness that your existing children are growing up? I do think sometimes that the desire you’re experiencing isn’t about actually wanting more kids, but more that you are acknowledging that you’re likely not going to have any more - does that make sense?

I think it's hormonal or an emotional need which is unfulfilled elsewhere. It was for me and I very much wish I'd spent the money on understanding my reasons and therapy before I'd had kids.

My mum told me it's biological. We're driven by our hormones. I was surprised when she told me because she was never maternal with us, and barely seemed to want the kids she DID have!!

There were times when I would think "maybe a third would be nice..." and I've had to give my head a shake. Even now, with two teenagers I've felt the twinge! I just baby the cat when that happens 😄

I have a 7 month old who doesn’t sleep well and all I can think about is when to have another and sometimes another after that… you’re not alone!

I don't think are having them though as birth rates are very low!

Why do we have the urge? Probably explained by evolutionary psychology. If we didn’t have the urge, the species would die out.

Personally, I wish a few more people would think twice. The world’s population has spiralled dangerously out of control. In the future, assuming humanity/civilisation survive, historians will describe the 20th-century as the century of population explosion. That is what it will be remembered for. In 1900, there were a billion people on Earth. By 1960, that had trebled to three billion. By 2000 it had doubled to six billion. It’s now eight billion and rising. It’s true that in Europe and Japan the birth rate has dropped, but in Africa it is still booming. The average African has between five and six kids, and the African population is going to double by 2050. Also, people in the developed world are living a lot longer. And with a few medical advances (senolytic drugs, nanotechnology, etc) they might live even longer still, possibly to 120 or 130. In other words, people won’t be dying and making room for the next generation.

No idea. I’m 46 this year. The most un maternal person ever. Have a child who’s about to turn 20. Enjoy my life.
yet am massively broody! Witaf?! I can only assume it’s menopause. I literally have to keep telling myself not to be so ridiculous.

Conditioning? (You’re not a real woman unless you have a “brood”… hate that word)
Hormones?
Peer pressure?
Wanting a shiny new toy?

Honestly I’ve never had this, never understood it, pretty sure most of it is forced on us by society and if I am brutally honest, judge it a bit.

No one needs three kids. A lot of people can’t afford them. You know it’s a bad idea. It will probably be the end of your marriage (which might not be a bad thing) and it’s definitely the end of any financial independence you will ever have. And it will limit the life chances of your existing kids.

Loads of people say no one can understand the biological pull of another baby. I just don’t buy that. It’s mainly just boredom and wanting something new to do.

You will wake up one day and thank God you didn’t have another baby.

Unfulfillment

@JoonT the west is far more responsible for climate change than Africa & our population has boomed because people are living longer. Sub-sahara does have high birth rates but shorter life expectancies. Do you really think the kids there have the same carbon footprint as a kid in the UK?

I would not be judgmental about you. I hope whatever decision you make brings you inner peace.

I will judge dirty old men who leave their wife once the unfortunate woman is 40, and have a second, then third family etc.

I want another baby because I want to be pregnant and give birth again.

What I don’t want is to raise another child from newborn to 4 because my word that was rough!

I think it’s hormones - I’m mid 30s now and my body is like OI YOU GIVE ME ANOTHER. Logically I know I have it so good right now and absolutely should not have one more. Won’t stop me obsessing about it though.

I agree.

1.49 children per woman in 2021 my bit of UK - that's after 3 year lower figures.

Fair bit of it is hormones - some social conditioning - and some shocking because some parents actually enjoy being parents.

I think it would be a very bad idea in your current circumstances and broodiness waxes and wanes and does go I found as the youngest gets older around 6/7 for me.

Biology innit.

I can’t empathise - I was on the fence about having a second and had twins and now I am most certainly done - but I think it’s wise to acknowledge and sit with the idea of what you want, even if you know it isn’t a good idea.

My eldest has asd and so when I had my second it was like having a first, first nt child. I wanted a sibling for that child and I wanted to do it again.
My eldest is now 12, likes his own company and is very clearly autistic. The other two, now 10 and 5 are really close, argue like mad but love each others company. It worked well for us.

Don't let your hormones trick you into thinking it's a good idea. It isn't.

Get a puppy. When it matures it will have the intelligence of a three-year old child so you'll hae a toddler for the next 12 years.

@Ostryga

I want another baby because I want to be pregnant and give birth again.

I cannot relate to this at all and I find it bizarre that people actually want this.

I had an OK pregnancy but it’s so limiting. And birth is still by a country mile the worst thing I have ever experienced.

I can't really relate to it at all. I have two and I was so broody before having them. I did want the second because I imagined my life with 2 and I wanted a second go at pregnancy, the first wasn't enjoyable after losses and feeling convinced it would go wrong and the first birth was horrid. Second pregnancy went smoothly and the birth was nice and straightforward and from that point onwards I was cured of broodiness. I can't think of anything worse than being pregnant again or having a baby or small child because they are exhausting. My tween and teen seem about right for what I can cope with.

God, no, not in your situation. Even more than one is bad with a husband like that etc. Think about your kids, and what they'd be stuck with, not what you want. It's not about you.

I'm in a very similar situation to you and I think it's partly because I want to have the excitement of pregnancy and growing a baby, partly because my babies are growing up and I'm sad I'll never have a baby again, it also means I'm getting older and moving out of this phase of my life which makes me really sad and is kind of scary. Plus the whole biological hormones thing.

Biology! We have evolved to procreate.

Absent contraception & baby formula, i think i read that "natural" spacing of children is about 4 years on average. So we've evolved to probably have 4-6 of them between about age 16 and early 40s. Its not really surprising when lots of us feel "not done" after 1 or 2, it takes quite a big mental effort to override the hormones and body signals telling us we have not produced enough offspring!